Space Jam is Stupid! – Talking About Tapes – Tony from Hack the Movies

Okay, I wasn’t going to do a “review” on this but I’ve just been watching this for the past 15 minutes, for my own “enjoyment”, and this is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

First of all, they keep saying, “Michael Jordan wasn’t a bad baseball player.”  The guy in a white t-shirt (I don’t know his name) rightly points out that Michael Jordan never even played in the Major Leagues.  But Johanna and Tony continue to say that he wasn’t bad at baseball.  Johanna saying something like, “He stole 30 bases.  That’s pretty good, I think.”  She has no fucking idea.  

And Tony literally says something along the lines of, “Michael Jordan is better at baseball than I am” to illustrate that Michael Jordan was good at baseball.  AND HE’S NOT JOKING.

No.  Hey, morons, he was not good.  His attempt to play baseball was widely accepted as a failure.  

They’re talking about something that happened when they were like ten years old.  They only have a hazy memory of it.  And it’s obvious and it’s embarrassing for them.  

The man’s father died, the father apparently wanted Michael Jordan to play baseball instead of basketball, so Michael Jordan tried it when he was in the grieving process.  And he was bad at it.  After a year or less, he went back to basketball.

It was widely reported.  The press widely covered his attempt to play professional baseball.  And the unanimous consensus is that this was a failure.  

Now, I’m not some kind of sporting enthusiast.  I haven’t watched an entire fucking baseball game in my life.  Or basketball.  But neither have any of these clowns.  I’m going by the WIDELY REPORTED news at the time. 

Yes, Michael Jordan was a better baseball player than Tony from Hack the Movies.  But that’s not the test.  We’re comparing Michael Jordan to PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYERS.  Not professional…whatever it is that Tony does for a living.  

Anyway, the second insane point that they keep repeating in this “review” is, “Why does nobody point out that the Looney Tunes aren’t real?”

Are we really fucking doing this?  BECAUSE THAT’S THE MOVIE, YOU IDIOTS!  

Oh my god.  They “reviewed” Batman Forever.  NOT ONCE did Tony or Newt or Crystal say, “Why does nobody ever point out that Batman isn’t real?”

I swear to fucking Christ that this is what they’re doing in this episode.  It’s unbelievable.  

Tony suggests that the movie should be more like Roger Rabbit.  You know why it’s not like Roger Rabbit?  Because somebody already made Roger Rabbit.  These people are making a movie called Space Jam.  It’s different from Roger Rabbit.

In the Batman Forever review, nobody said, “You know what I think would have made this movie better?  If it was more like The Joy Luck Club.”  They’re not making The Joy Luck Club, Tony.  They’re making Batman Forever.

It has to be among the top ten dumbest fucking things I ever heard in my life.  “Why does nobody point out that the Looney Tunes aren’t real?”  Fucking unbelievable.

So let’s proceed from the 15 minute mark.  

15:45 – “Why does Warner Bros own the centre of the earth where all the Looney Tunes live?”

I can’t even give the context of this.  Just take my word for it.  Tony is a fucking moron.  And why do these other idiots go along with this?  


22:30 – They reference a line in the movie about Hanes, Nike, Wheaties, Gatorade, and McDonalds and give this as an example of the corporatisation of the film.  It was obviously a fucking joke exactly to that point.  

Let me be clear that Space Jam is not a good movie by any means.  It was entirely a corporate cash grab.  There is no artistic merit to Space Jam.  

We all know this.  But Tony is sitting there expressing faux outrage over this.  What the fuck did he expect from Space Jam?  Did he think it was going to be some artsy independent movie?  Was he expecting Hoop Dreams?

28:30 – Johanna says, “My favourite thing is literally every single one of these characters knows who this is.  Like, ‘Oh my god, it’s Michael Jordan.”  Then Tony says, “So are they watching regular tv?”

I don’t even…are these people fucking retarded?  Michael Jordan is not some obscure celebrity.  HE WAS THE MOST POPULAR SPORTS FIGURE OF THE 1990s!

And then Tony still can’t understand how these cartoon characters are watching television.  Let me explain.  In the universe of this movie, the cartoon characters are real.  This is not hard to figure out.  It’s the same fucking mindset that you have to have with EVERY WORK OF FICTION.  Suspension of disbelief.  

Tony is watching Interview with the Vampire.  “Wait a minute…vampires aren’t real.”

The Green Mile.  “Wait a minute…you can’t resurrect mice.”

Edward Scissorhands.  “Wait a minute…nobody has scissors for hands.”

45:15 – Tony says that he sometimes plays basketball with his girlfriend.  This seems really weird to me.  I mean…good for them.  It’s a wholesome story.  But I just found it surprising given his age and physique and…I don’t know.  It just never even occurred to me to play sports with any girlfriend I ever had.  Of course, I’ve never exactly been a sports guy.

Maybe this is the sort of thing that people do in rural areas.  There’s not much to do.  Let’s go to the local school playground and play some basketball.  It’s an interesting insight into his life.

49:45 – Tony says that he went to Bucks County Community College.  Wow.  $7,700/year.  Do they do four year degrees?  No.  Seems to be associate degrees only.  Who the fuck is getting an associate degree?  

I remember purchasing a car and the salesman said that he has an associate degree.  He was probably in his 40s.  And he said, “I have an associate degree but nobody cares about associate degrees any more.”

This was twenty years ago.  And he was talking about something that happened 20 years before that.  

Who in 2021 is getting an associate’s degree?  An associate’s degree is a two year degree, if you don’t know what I’m talking about.  

And the college’s website says, “associate degree programs at a fraction of the cost of a traditional four-year college.”  $7,700/year is a “fraction of the cost”?  Let me check my university’s current tuition.

I’ll be damned.  It is more expensive.  Just a few thousand more but still.  It’s surprising.

Notable alumni of Bucks County Community College: Terri Schiavo.  Come on.  That shouldn’t be nearly as hilarious as it is.

56:00 – Johanna makes some kind of Jimmy Choo half-joke and nobody knows what she’s talking about.  But they’re all about “the 90s”, right?  

This is the problem.  These people have no fucking idea about “the 90s”.  They were born in like 1986.  

They’re reviewing these movies from “the 90s” and they know absolutely nothing about the decade.  That’s why they make so many idiotic comments.  They don’t know what was happening in the broader culture.  They were children in “the 90s”.

So anyway, that was Space Jam is Stupid aka Tony from Hack the Movies is Stupid.  It’s one of the better “episodes”.  I stayed awake.  I was too busy guffawing over all of the stupid shit they were saying.  Plus, it always helps when it’s something other than a stupid horror movie.

I actually predicted that they’d review this movie back in April:

Maybe he just took my advice.  So what about Lessons of Darkness for the next one?  Fuck Space Jam and the usual shit films that they review.  Give these cinephiles some artsy shit to really sink their teeth into.  Tell us about the editing, the shot composition, whatever.  I don’t know.  I’ll leave it to the pros.  Give us your insights as people in the film making industry.  Take your experiences from Mummy Cop and apply it to what you see in Lessons of Darkness.

Plus, it’s from “the 90s” and we know you’re all about “the 90s”.  

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *