Gamer Girls

https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2020/05/angry-video-game-nerd-movie.html 

https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/03/angry-video-game-nerd-movie-second.html

There are my first attempts at this.  I only got to the 25 minute mark.  I have to get this two hours some day.  The movie is just so unbelievably bad, though.  

So I left off with “The Nerd” talking to his black sidekick outside of the black sidekick’s house.  “The Nerd” says that he plans on going to that landfill to look for ET games.  The black sidekick doesn’t want to go because he’s afraid that he’ll get in trouble from his mother.  He still lives at home.  

So to encourage him, “The Nerd” says that if they don’t go, he won’t review ET.  But if they go there and there are games buried, he’ll review whatever games are buried there.  So the black sidekick agrees.  Why?  Because everybody REALLY loves “The Nerd” and they want to hear his reviews.  They’re all just sitting at home chomping at the bit.  “When is The Nerd going to do another review?”

This is how Jimmy thinks of himself and his “fans”.  They’re just hanging on every word.  They can’t wait to hear what he has to say next.  

No.  This is your job, James.  If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.  The world will go on.  Nobody gives a fuck.  The only person who needs to do these reviews is you.  It’s either that or getting a job at Wawa.  My standard place of employment for this half-joke is JiffyLube but JiffyLube wouldn’t even hire Jimmy.  You have to have some experience with cars or be able to learn.  I don’t think that Jimmy has the experience or the ability to learn.

26:00 – It’s the next day and “The Nerd” and the black sidekick are doing something at somebody’s house…carrying boxes…I don’t even know.  What is this?  What are they doing?  Where even are they?

But then a van pulls up and that obnoxious red-haired woman who we saw earlier puts her head out of the car and says, “YEAH!  How do you like the new Nerdmobile, boys?”

She’s really annoying.  And…I’ve never said this about any movie ever but…she’s kind of hard to understand.  She’s speaking too quickly.  

I also complained about the black sidekick stumbling over his lines in a previous scene.  Did nobody notice?  Could they not afford to do another take?  Is this the best they could get out of these people?  It’s just really bad.

The van says “cockburn” on it and has a drawing of a penis.  I don’t know why.  What is this referencing?  Was there somebody called Cockburn in the movie?  Was it the guy who owned the video game store?

Oh.  Yeah, I was right.  I looked it up.  

Then she explains that the van was “Paid for and endorsed by Cockburn, Inc.”  So…the guy who owns the video game store where “The Nerd” works paid for this van and is sponsoring the trip to this landfill.  Why?  What’s in it for him?

Wait.  I think I know.  Mr Cockburn LOVES “The Nerd” too and just can’t wait to see that ET review.  This is every single character’s motivation in this movie.

Then they start putting the boxes in the van.  But…they didn’t even know that a van was going to arrive.  Did they?  What’s in these boxes anyway?

Then “The Nerd” says, “I don’t like the idea of bringing this girl with us.”  And the black sidekick says, “Relax.  She’s not a girl, she’s a gamer.”

This is yet another reference to homosexuality in the movie.  I don’t get it.  Why did James write a movie where he’s depicted as gay?  There was the “nerds before birds” line, there was the scene where the black sidekick signed that woman’s breasts instead of “The Nerd” and now this.  Was this movie just James Rolfe coming out of the closet?

27:00 – “At a time like this, the fans need you more than ever, Nerd.”

At a time like WHAT?  What’s so dire?  These ET games have been buried for like 30 years at this point.  

27:15 – The black sidekick is slurring his lines again.  Was he drunk?  I can’t even understand him.

“You know what, I don’t think this van has a radio and I put a lot of stuff to install up in here.  GPS, mobile internet access, roof camera.  You have to think about music.”

First of all, look at that first sentence.  I’m pretty sure that that’s what he said.  “I put a lot of stuff to install in here.”  Was that written like that or did he just really fuck up?

Then listen to this list of stuff that he installed.  Is he saying “mobile internet access”?  That part is really, really hard to understand.  I had to listen to it about five times.

And I couldn’t understand the last sentence either.  I basically just guessed.  “Music” was the only word I understood clearly.  

Maybe the sound quality is just bad but I’m having trouble with this guy in particular so I don’t know.

And what’s crazy is that I think that the guy who played this black sidekick is the only person in the movie with semi-legitimate acting credits.  He was on 104 episodes of The Bernie Mac Show.  I never watched it.

Oh.  He was a child.  The AVGN Movie is basically his only role as an adult.  Well…it’s starting to make sense.

28:00 – Then “The Nerd” throws something out of the window.  I thought it was a potato at first.  I had to watch it three times to figure it out.  It’s a CD.  

Then they cut back and forth a couple of times to “The Nerd” and the black sidekick driving and the two of them plus that red haired woman playing a video game in the back of the van.  I don’t understand the timeframe of any of this.  Are they taking driving breaks to play video games?  These scenes where they’re playing video games add absolutely nothing to the movie.

Wait.  What?  Mr Cockburn isn’t the guy who owns the video game store.  It’s some guy who owns…I don’t know.  I’m totally lost.  Who is Mandy (the red haired woman) working for?  

Oh.  It was…she’s working for a company who’s making a sequel to ET.  That’s why she wants “The Nerd” to do a review of the original.  It will allegedly drive up sales of the sequel.  So Mr Cockburn owns a software company.  Do I have that right?  Let me look this up.

Yeah.  Okay.  So we’re back on track here.

30:00 – Anyway, they’re in Roswell, New Mexico now.  I guess that the landfill is here?

Then some government agency overhears “The Nerd” saying that he’s looking for ET and sends agents out to kill him or something.  There are security cameras and whatnot around this area with audio recording, apparently.  The cameras also have some kind of x-ray vision because they saw into the Nerdmobile.

 None of this makes sense.  Why is the landfill in Roswell, New Mexico?  Is that accurate?  Let me look this up.

No.  It’s in a Alamogordo, New Mexico.  It’s two hours away.  I can overlook that, I guess.  Creative license.  But couldn’t they have explained something?  I mean, we all know that Roswell is famous for the aliens.  Couldn’t “The Nerd” have mentioned this?  “Oh, it’s buried in the same place as the aliens?  We’d better be careful.”  No.  Nothing.

Oh, it’s a military thing.  The guy in charge is a general.  He was initially going to launch a mini rocket at “The Nerd” but then some lower ranked…I don’t know…woman said…oh fuck.  I can’t.  The writing is REALLY, REALLY bad for this whole scene in particular.  Does nobody have a clue how the military chain of command works?  This isn’t even remotely how anybody in any military would ever talk, at least according to all of the films that I’ve seen.

And it’s not funny.  It’s just horrible writing.  And it could be fixed so easily.  Just replace the horrible writing with good writing.  

33:00 – Now we’re back to “The Nerd” who declares that the whole ET burial thing is a sham.  The black sidekick, rightly, says that it’s too early in the investigation to reach that conclusion.

Then there’s a weird discussion about how if you believe in Santa, you also believe that the earth is flat.  And the black sidekick believes in both of these things.  And there’s really bad animation or something showing Santa Claus falling off of a flat earth.  What does this have to do with anything?

34:00 – The black sidekick starts talking about Death Mothicks…oh fuck…or something.  WHAT IS HE SAYING?  Hire somebody who can annunciate.  It’s something to do with his idea of Hell and the flat earth.

Oh, I looked it up.  Death Mwauthzyx.  This is just great.  The man has a difficult enough time reciting his lines so then you come up with this idiotic character.

And yeah, this is Jimmy’s homage to Godzilla.  It’s a giant monster.

What does any of this have to do with anything?  Look at how we got here.  

“The Nerd” was talking about how the ET burial is a sham.  The black sidekick says, “Give it a chance”.  “The Nerd” says, “If you believe in the ET burial, you also believe in Santa and that the earth is flat.”  The black sidekick says, “I believe in all of that…plus Death Mwauthzyx.”  

It’s stupid.  It’s stupid and it’s bad writing.  Jimmy just wanted to shoe horn a fucking Godzilla homage into his shitty, nonsensical movie.  

Then he just starts saying wacky stuff about multiverses and ultraverses.  It doesn’t make sense.  This is how Jimmy writes, though.  You can look at Wizard of Oz 3: Dorothy Goes to Hell or the finale of Board James for a couple of examples.  He just throws everything he can think of into this shit and thinks that he’s being clever.  No.  It’s shit.  It’s shit writing.  It doesn’t make sense.

Then…I don’t know how we arrived at this, it probably wasn’t explained, but the black sidekick is talking about how the only thing that will exist will be a bologna sandwich.

Then they see the military people and they start running away because they don’t have a filming permit.  

The low ranking military woman who we saw earlier, comes out of the…military vehicle and points a gun at everyone.  She makes weird references to sex trafficking and smuggling drugs up one’s anus.  

36:00 – The red-haired woman says, “Don’t get your panties in a wad.”  This military woman pulls this red-haired woman’s hair and says, “I’m not wearing any panties.”  This is just stupid and unfunny.

Then the black sidekick holds up a copy of ET, a soldier who looks like he’s about 16 years old shoots it out of his hand, and then the general threatens to throw a grenade at them.  The military woman tells him not to do it, again, not following the basic command structure of the military.

Is this how Jimmy thinks the military operates?  The soldiers are constantly trying to convince the officers to change their orders?  

37:00 – He drops the grenade and his arm becomes detached.  By the way, the general drives around in a little tank that’s poorly…what’s the word?  The special effects are REALLY special.

Then the whole Nerd crew gets back in the Nerdmobile and a chase scene begins.  

They run through boxes and fruit.  One of the soldiers said, “Did you see the size of those melons?  Take a note (name of female character).”  It’s just such terrible writing.  There’s nothing funny about this.  She’s supposed to compare her breasts to fruit?  “Oh, I’m inadequate because my breasts aren’t the size of watermelons.”  Is this military guy getting sexually excited over fruit?  It’s idiotic.

So they’re driving around and two guys holding a pane of glass appear.  They get out of the way for The Nerd but the military woman INTENTIONALLY drives into the glass.  And instead of the glass shattering, it just bursts into bad CGI flames.  They couldn’t afford stunt people or the equipment to drive through glass so they did this shitty “special” effect instead, which doesn’t make sense.

The general asks for an explanation.  The military woman says, “Glass, general.  Double pane.”

That’s the end of the scene.  The Nerd and crew got away.  

So I’m at about 40 minutes.  That’s enough.  That was 15 minutes.  Fifteen minutes of AVGN the Movie feels like a full 90 minute movie.  

People talk about ideas for an AVGN movie.  He was too ambitious.  He should have just done a rip off of Wayne’s World or whatever.  

I don’t know.  I think that’s been done.  But what definitely should not have happened is the AVGN Movie that we got.  It’s just the same fucking shit that he always does.  He puts every idea that he can think of, mostly involving time-travel, into a video and then says, “Hey, look at what a genius I am, everyone.”  

No.  That’s film making from the special education school of thought.