Godzilla VS Kong First Impressions – Castzilla VS The Pod Monster – Tony from Hack the Movies


I’m just going to dissect a portion of a transcript to illustrate exactly the areas that Johanna should work on if she wants to get better at this.

It starts at 8:45.  Tony and Johanna had a bet over this Godzilla vs Kong movie wherein the loser had to read an apology written by the winner.  Something stupid like this.  So it starts with Tony asking the two people in the “audience” (some friends of his who happened to be there, I think) for his phone.  He has the apology on his phone.  Johanna won the bet so he’s just going to read the apology that he wrote for her, that she would have had to read had he won the bet.  Hopefully that’s clear.

Tony: Studio audience, could someone pass me my phone?

Johanna: Oh, what, are you going to read yours?

Tony: I was going to read the one that I wrote for you.

Johanna: Yeah, that’s what I — 

Tony: So just as a consolation, this is what Johanna would have read if she had lost.

Johanna: This is great.  There’s only going to be like, what, 100 people listening to this?

Tony: (laughs) No, our views are good.  They’re going up.

Johanna: No, I know.  I’m being a —

Here’s the problem.  First, she interrupted him, so I don’t even know exactly what he said.  I kind of guessed.

Secondly, she trailed off.  She does this a lot.  She did it twice already just in this section.  She doesn’t finish her sentences.

Thirdly, it was obviously a joke.  You don’t have to then explain, “Hey, I was joking.”

Fourthly, she’s kind of right. This video has 289 views after 24 hours.  So there’s no need to apologise.  She should have stuck with her convictions.

Tony: Okay, so —

Johanna: Someone give me a shoe or something so that I can throw it —

Tony: Here we are.  Here we are.  So if Johanna —

Johanna: Alright.  I got a brick.

Again, they’re talking over each other.  I can’t understand what’s being said.

And the thing that Johanna interrupted with doesn’t even really make sense.  Why does she want to throw a shoe at Tony?  She doesn’t explain why.  I get that she might be upset, at least in jest, at what Tony has written for her to say, but is this how she expresses her displeasure?  By throwing shoes?  It seems a weird outlet for aggression to me.

The brick comment is even more peculiar.  I know that it’s a joke but even as a joke, I just don’t really get it.  She’s going to hurl bricks at Tony if Tony was going to make her read something really stupid?  

I guess that it’s like when audience members are unhappy at a wrestling show or comedy club or something they might throw stuff at the performers.  But she’s two feet away from him.  Why doesn’t she just threaten to punch him in the stomach or slap him or something?  Even those would be weird.  Why threaten physical violence at all?  I don’t know.  It just seems odd  to me.

Tony: This is part of the embarrassment, I now have to read — (laughs)

Johanna: Thanks, studio audience.  I have shoes next to me.

Tony: I now have to read my apology letter for Johanna but I’m reading it so it’s not as funny so it’s embarrassing.  

Johanna: Mm hmm.

More interrupting and continuation of this perplexing shoe joke.  And I thought that she had a brick already.  It’s not worth expending too much brain power on this one.

So this is what you would have said.

Johanna: Mm hmm.

That’s two “Mm hmms”.  It’s not good.  Full words.  Full sentences.  Full thoughts.  That’s what we need more of.  These “Mm hmms” just detract.  It breaks the flow.  

Tony: “Me name Johanna.”

Johanna: You’re so annoying!

Immediate interruption.

And is “annoying” the right word to use there?  How is it annoying?  “You’re so stupid” or “You’re a jerk”, I could accept shit like this.  But what about this is annoying?

Tony: “Me brain small.  Me pick Godzilla in fight against Kong.  Kong is clearly stronger, smarter, and sexier.”

Johanna: What the — sexier?

She interrupted just to point out an obvious joke.  Did she not know that it was a joke?

She does this a lot.  Tony will make an obvious joke, she seemingly won’t recognise it as a joke, and then Tony has to awkwardly explain that it was a joke.  She does it a few times in this thing. 

Tony: “Me no make good decisions.  Godzilla, like me, is sad soul with no eggs.”

Johanna: Why are you obsessed with my eggs?

This is a weird joke that Tony has been making recently.  So here’s an example of something that Tony should stop doing.

But to help Johanna, she shouldn’t be so jocular with it.  Either on the podcast or off the podcast, she should forcefully state that these comments aren’t funny, it’s way too personal, and it’s pretty gross.  

Tony: “Why me no smart like Tony who is also stronger, sexier, and smarter than me?  Me jealous of his big brain.  He also very buff.  Me sorry for doubting Tony’s smarts.  Me apologise for my stupids.”

Johanna: My stupids!

Tony: “Me apologise for letting fans think some reptile could beat up strong, sexy ape.  Me apologise for letting fans think dumb me could beat strong, sexy Tony.  Failed, I have.  Into exile, I must go.”

Johanna: So studio audience, you got that, right?

Woman in Audience: Sounds like he’s illiterate.

(Johanna laughs)

What was Johanna even asking?  What did she want confirmation on?  

And she throws to the “audience”, who don’t have microphones, for some kind of response.  I had to turn the volume up really high and somewhat guess at what this woman in the audience said.  

And then Johanna reacts to what this woman said, even though we can’t hear what this woman said.  

Tony: No, but see, it was supposed to be Johanna reading —

Johanna: But you wrote it and they knew you wrote it.

Tony: Yeah, because I wanted to make you seem stupid.

Johanna: It makes you seem stupid!  You wrote it.

Tony: I know but just imagine that you would have lost —

Man in Audience: All I hear is (something).

(Johanna laughs)

Okay.  Again, Johanna has to be told why this is a joke.  And she keeps arguing.  It’s not exactly high brow stuff either.  It’s obvious why the joke works.  Whether or not it’s funny is down to personal preference but the joke is clear and shouldn’t require any explanation.  Tony is clearly getting frustrated at having to explain this very simple joke and Johanna isn’t getting it.

Then some guy in the “audience” says something, again, I don’t know what he said, he doesn’t have a microphone, and Johanna reacts to it.

Tony: Look, look, look.  Because if I didn’t read it, people would have wanted to know what your apology would have been.

Johanna: And they never would have known because, guess what, I’ll never lose to you (laughs).

It’s some lame, needlessly aggressive half-joke that doesn’t even make sense.  Johanna is telling Tony that people will never know what the apology that Tony wrote for her will be WHILE he’s reading that exact apology.  So what she’s saying doesn’t make sense.  

Tony: Okay, what’s the next versus movie that comes out?  Who’s going to win in Mortal Kombat?  Do you want to take that bet?  

Johanna: Johnny Cage.

(Woman in Audience says something…”You wrote that one too” maybe)

(Johanna laughs)

There’s a lot to unpack here.

First of all, Tony had to just go with Johanna’s dumb comment, knowing that her comment didn’t make sense.  So it’s awkward.

Secondly, why did she pick Johnny Cage?  She gave no explanation.  It was just the first name that she thought of, I guess.  But it’s not funny or interesting or anything.  You have to give a fucking reason.  It requires fast thinking to do this sort of shit effectively.  If you don’t have it, you don’t have it.  It doesn’t mean that you’re stupid.  But this is bad.  It’s bad podcasting.  

Thirdly, this person in the audience again chimes in and again I don’t know what she’s saying.  But Johanna laughs at it.  

If in fact, that woman said “You wrote that one too” it doesn’t make sense.  But whatever it is, we can’t fucking hear it.  These people do not have microphones.  Don’t encourage them to contribute.  

Tony: I win that one.  If you couldn’t hear, somebody asked, “Who broke up with who”?  

Oh.  I think this last sentence was added in post-production.  I don’t know.  Maybe not.  Maybe Tony just had enough awareness that people can’t understand what’s being said by these people.

But yeah, this interjection doesn’t make sense.  I keep repeating this but it’s true.  This weird “female comedy” that everybody enjoys, I guess.

Oh, I probably have to explain.  Tony and Johanna used to date.  I guess.  But who’s going to know this?  I’m probably the pre-eminent Castszilla Vs The Pod Monster enthusiast and I don’t even know anything about it.  They just said something in passing about this before.  But a casual listener wouldn’t have a fucking clue that they dated before so they wouldn’t get the reference at all.

Even armed with this information, what the fuck does the fact that Tony and Johanna used to date have to do with who would win in this Mortal Kombat movie?  Absolutely nothing.  But this is immediately where this woman went to.  Again, it’s weird, aggressive, “female comedy” that doesn’t even make sense.  

Tony: I win that one 100%.  That was the last time I ever won.

Johanna: Who won in the end, though?  Who won in the end?  It was me.

Again, Tony had to go with this bizarre comment that doesn’t even make sense.  I guess that he broke up with Johanna?  So that means he wins?  But…wins what?  What does this have to do with Johnny Cage?  Or have we just moved on from that?

And then Johanna just continues this cavalcade of confusion by claiming that she’s the ultimate winner.  Of what?  

Tony has a girlfriend.  And Johanna is dating some guy who sells used Hyundai’s.  That’s fine.  Nothing wrong with any of that.  What about this requires winners and losers?  

It’s just a continuation of this weird derailment of the conversation from this stupid woman in the “audience”.  

Tony: Technically, Nicki and Ian both lost, really.

Johanna: They really did.  Why are you with us?

(Woman in Audience says something totally unintelligible.  Probably wouldn’t make sense even if it was intelligible.)

Johanna: Ahhh.

So I guess that it’s their respective current partners in the “audience”.  And they’re named Nicki and Ian?  Who the fuck would know this?  All of this shit should have been edited out.  Everything from “Who broke up with who?”  

And if this is right, why would Tony’s current girlfriend say, “Who broke up with who?”  And in response to a question about Mortal Kombat, no less?  She presumably knows that Tony broke up with Johanna.  Is she just a total bitch who wanted to cause problems with Johanna?

And then for Johanna to say that she won in the end, that’s her being a bitch back to Tony’s girlfriend.

This is how fights start.  And look how senseless it is.  It started with a complete non-sequitur from Nicki.  I assume it’s Nicki, anyway.  I don’t know any of the parties in this thing other than Tony and Johanna.  But they’re bringing in new people with no introduction and no microphone.

“Who broke up with who?”  Fuck off.  

You know, this started as a critique of how awful Johanna is at these podcasts, and she is awful, but at least now we can see that there are worse options out there.  Let’s hope that Nicki is never a guest host on any of Tony’s shit.  Holy shit.  It would just be one random, nonsensical, unfunny, needlessly aggressive comment after another.  

Tony: So what did you think of Space Jam?

Nicki: I’ve got a blue shirt on, bitches!

Tony: (laughs) You sure do.  I was really surprised to see Bill Murray in this.

Nicki: I ate some Pringles for lunch.  Suck on that!

Tony: (laughs) I love Pringles.  So then Marvin the Martian…

14 thoughts on “Godzilla VS Kong First Impressions – Castzilla VS The Pod Monster – Tony from Hack the Movies

  1. It's no different from you doing videos talking about movies that you think suck. Who are you to criticise these film makers when you can't make better movies than they've done? We can all watch Mummy Cop. It's a common logical fallacy. I don't need to be a chef to know that I'm eating shit.

  2. Yeah come on man. Sack up and come on the show. Tell Johanna how you feel directly instead of hiding in this site and not getting half her jokes.

  3. She tells jokes? I'm genuinely surprised by this comment. I can't recall her ever saying something that was even intended to be funny. Oh wait. This shoe thing. Is that really a “joke” though?

  4. Well gee golly, you've clearly convinced yourself daily you're not a total loser with this blog and can't comprehend jokes whether they be absolutely hilarious or even the most basic elementary level ones.I mean I've witnessed a lot of really sad people, but this blog is like a testament to just how bad it can get out there.Next you'll be like “oh believe me I know I'm a loser” in some sad attempt to own it LOL.

  5. I mean the numerous times she has responded to Tony when he politically trolls her have been pretty hilarious. She's quick witted enough to catch him off guard once in a while.But really, what point would mentioning any specific “joke” have?Be honest at least. You would poo poo any joke and label anything out of her mouth as unfunny. It's like the common cowardly tactic a lot of couples experience in domestic arguments where one person says “Oh yeah? Well name even one time I did that thing!” and it's some shit from years prior and they act like the whole case should be thrown out because the other person can't recall an exact moment with perfect accuracy.Do you…really think I don't recognize such an obvious last stand ploy? You ain't talking to someone who was born yesterday hotshot :p

  6. Also, and frankly this is getting typical of you at this point, I never actually said originally that Johanna makes hilarious jokes.What I actually informed you of was your fairly obvious inability to comprehend jokes period. Whether they be hilarious, low brow, or as basic as they can get etc. Whether they are coming from Tony, Johanna, Newt, ErinPlays, Mike Matei, or any number of a multitude of people you complain about. It's all the same herp derp coming from you.You apparently have an overall terrible sense of humor and have no rational scale of what “funny” is that makes any real sense. “Funny” to you is the contents of this blog pretty much. Everyone else is unfunny or some inferior person because they're a woman or gay/trans. That seems to be where you get all your kicks. You know, like someone who never mentally advanced past middle school.Hence, cringe.

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