Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJAKd4hg_m0

0:00 – It starts with a video of James Rolfe tied up with a ball gag in his mouth.

Let me tell you…the homosexuals on Reddit LOVED this.  Justin Silverman posted a picture of this and the boys in Reddit all had instant erections.  Those delightful pansies must have made…fuck…twenty gay porn images based on that one picture.  You couldn’t get away from this shit for a couple of days.  The top 20 posts were all homosexual erotica involving this picture. 

I saw one that had Mike with a ball gag as well.  That guy must have spent hours on that.  Not just the act of making the Photoshop but also all of the furious masturbating breaks.

Indeed, that guy used another “meme” picture that was all the rage for a while with those fairies: the one where Mike is making a big “O” face.  Oh those nancy boys loved that picture.  So many “memes” were made with that.  And by “memes” I mean “homosexual erotica”.  Mike’s dick in his mouth and whatnot.  

If you’re a little light in the loafers, that’s cool with me.  But just come out and say it.  Don’t hide behind Cinemassacre-based “memes”.  “It’s just a meme, guys!”.  No.  It’s gay and you’re gay.  And that’s okay.  

But yeah, James tied to a chair with a ball gag in his mouth.  How much money is he getting from this shit?  Is it worth it?  It’s worth humiliating yourself like this?

It’s some stupid fucking skit.  I don’t even know what it’s referencing.  I thought Pulp Fiction at first but I don’t know.  Because then it switches to some kind of cult.

God.  These skits really need to stop.  This looks like the usual bullshit from Rainman.  He just throws every idea he can think of into every fucking project.  It shouldn’t be long before time travel appears.

1:15 – “Hey guys!  Remember Shrek?”

I do remember Shrek.  I never saw it but I was working in some mental health facility around this time and there was a guy there who watched the movie like every day.  Some people with autism do this kind of shit.  You know how it goes, James.

2:00 – “But first a word from our sponsor.”

They actually use this phrase.  And the words are on screen.  Can this be any worse?  

Then Rainman, wearing a hat, does a commercial for earbuds.  

Just terrible.  He goes on about how affordable they are.  Let me look this up.

Eighty dollars.  Rainman thinks that $80 is an affordable price to pay for earbuds.  Earbuds that any normal person is going to lose in less than a week.  

And that’s just what I see on Amazon, which is marked down from $130.  

I’ve bought earbuds occasionally.  Five bucks?  Ten bucks?  No more than that.  What is anyone doing with eighty dollar ear buds?  

Here’s what I suggest Rainman does with his earbuds: shove them up his ass.

3:45 – He goes on a bizarre rant about how Shrek is in the Library of Congress for being culturally significant.  And he compares this to such “classics” as Dracula.

Rainman…we don’t fucking care about your stupid autistic fixation on old horror films.  You can like old horror films.  That’s fine.  It doesn’t mean that movies that aren’t old horror films are all shit.

Then he says that he asked the Library of Congress for a copy of Shrek and they send him the Game Boy Color game.  Fuck off.  Who’s writing this trash?

Oh.  It’s not even a game.  It’s one of those…movies or whatever that you could watch on your Game Boy Advance.

So then he starts going on about various peripherals.  Reading this bullshit in some kind of weird, depressed voice.

6:30 – Finally, he starts talking about the game that in the title of the video.  Six and a half minutes into this.  What the fuck was the point of that extended diatribe about the movie?  He couldn’t even get the movie to play.  It’s just the world’s worst writing.

Wait…what?  Why is he playing this Game Boy Color game on a Gamecube?  It’s probably easier to capture the footage and whatever but he’s complaining about the controls.  The game was not meant to be played with a Gamecube controller.  Maybe see what it’s like on a Game Boy.

8:15 – “Did Shrek just fart?”

And then Rainmain starts reading a “hilarious” diatribe about this.

Is this my limit?  It might be.  This is the first AVGN in a while that I can’t watch.  This is just stupid.  All of this is stupid.  He’s showing a grainy game that was meant to be played on a tiny screen on a huge widescreen television.  And now’s he’s talking about flatulence.  

I’m an adult.  This doesn’t tickle me.  I mean, good bathroom humour, fine.  But this is shit.  These are barely even jokes.  He’s just making Erin Plays-style observations.

No, I’m done.  I tried to continue but he he immediately gets into an unfunny rant about anuses.  And the character isn’t even farting.  This is just James’ disgusting autistic fixation on excrement.

Let me skip to the end.  See what gay porn material the boys at Reddit might enjoy.

From 10:45 to 15:45 (which is the final five minutes of the video) it’s just a bad skit full of bad CGI and based on some stupid fucking horror film(s).  I didn’t watch it.  Fuck this shit.

Roll credits.  There are credits in AVGN videos?  Well, there are now.  And who wouldn’t want to take credit for this masterpiece?

Oh, Voultar was one of the cult members.  Great.

Produced by Justin Silverman and Grant Duffrin.

Edited by Justin Silverman, Gran Duffrin, and Kieran.  

Kieran, wisely, didn’t use his full name on this.  It leaves room for plausible deniability.  “That could have been any Kieran.”

Crew & Gameplay: Kieran and Tony.  

Co-writers: Tony from Hack the Movies, Justin Silverman, Grant Duffrin.

So…wait.  Why do they say “co-writers”?  I think that they’re mis-using the term.  Because this implies that there was a main writer and these three are just co-writers.  But I don’t think that’s what they mean.  I think because there’s three people, they think that “co-writer” is the correct term to use.  But I don’t think that’s right.

No.  There are only three people responsible for this shit.  And, inexplicably, they actually wanted credit for this.

Special thanks to Eddie Lebron.

Who are these people?  Let’s look up Eddie Lebron first.

“Eddie Lebron is an Emmy-winning editor, cinematographer, and director” 

Well, that’s according to his Linkedin.  It’s nice that he such a high opinion of himself but can we get a non-biased source?

According to IMDB, he was the cinematographer for a bunch of short films.  Great.  

Now Grant Duffrin.  I don’t have to search him.  Screenwave helpfully linked to his Twitter.

https://twitter.com/grantduffrin

“filmmaker, festival runner, master”

Again, it’s good to have a high opinion of yourself but I’m going to look for a non-biased source.

http://the3gi.com/grantduffrin.html]

That’s his website.  He does a lot of Shrek shit.  There’s some embarrassing thing called Shrekfest that he’s involved with.  I don’t know in what capacity.  He claims that he’s a “vfx artist”.  Oh.  Yeah, me too.  Whatever that is.

If you Google him, it says that he’s a screenwriter.  

I mean…well, let’s just look at his IMDB first.  The only things that he’s written have been three short films about Shrek and some short film about Link, I guess.  Student projects, I assume.  Or really, really, really amateur projects.  

This makes him a screenwriter?

It’s delusional.  These people can’t possibly be making a living from this.  

I’ve had things published.  Articles and blog shit.  I mean, I’ve actually been paid.  This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.  We can all see the high quality of my writing.  

But I don’t say, “Hey guys!  I’m a professional writer” just because I got some trivial garbage published on some shit websites.  I’m not living on this and I’m not even trying to do so.  I have a job like a normal person.

Fucking “screenwriter” and “film director”.  You have all of these “professionals” and THIS is what you came up with?  I couldn’t even fucking finish it.  It was a complete mess.  

Oh, and these things are supposed to be funny, right?  Who the fuck was laughing?  Where were the jokes even located?  That poop stuff?  We’re supposed to laugh at that?  Are we all in kindergarten?  

Here’s my proposal to Screenwave: I am a “professional writer”, in the sense that I’ve been paid for writing at some point in my life, at least once.  I will write an AVGN episode for you that will blow your fucking minds.  It will be intelligent, well-written, funny, and I’ll even include GOOD poop talk.  FUNNY poop talk.  Because I know that that’s Rainman’s thing.  

The writing will be of such a high quality that not even you clowns can fuck it up with your incompetence.  Not even Rainman with his suicidal line reading can fuck it up.  The magnificence of the writing will shine through all layers of dog shit.  

I don’t know how many pages this will be.  I don’t even know how to format a script.  But for a script that turns into an approximately ten minute video, I’ll do it for a flat fee of $2000.  I think that that’s reasonable and it has to be worth it to me.  

I’m not getting Celtx or any of that shit.  I’m not going to bother with formatting things “properly”.  But for $2000 you’ll get a legibly-formatted, witty, intelligent script that will take AVGN to a whole new level.