Browsing a 1997 JCPenney Christmas Catalog! – Erin Plays

Some more unbelievably lazy content from Erin Plays.  

You know, she hasn’t appeared on screen for her last four videos.  Why not?  Show us that new voluptuous figure when you’re all full of Big Macs.  

0:00 – “Hey guys.”

Oh, she’s totally checked out.  She can’t even bring her fake enthusiasm for her “catchphrase” intro.  She just deadpans the “hey guys”.  

Then she tells us that we’re going to look at a 1997 JC Penney catalogue.  1997!  That was a great year!  Erin was like nine years old and staring at a wall.  

And JC Penney?  Who gives a fuck?  She couldn’t even shell out for a Sears catalogue?  She gets these stupid catalogues from Ebay.  For the purposes of these shitty Youtube videos, of course.  

0:15 – “So in December 1997, I would have just turned 10 years old so this is definitely my era.”

I can’t wait to hear her stories about toys that she wanted but didn’t get.  

0:45 – She points out some Super Nintendo third party controllers and says that she’s never seen them before.  You don’t say.  Then she invites the horndogs to write in the comments if they’ve seen them before.

1:15 – Wait, what?  She says that she had Donkey Kong Country 2 “growing up”.  Why have I never heard of this before?  And why has she never done a stream of it?  Probably more made up bullshit.

“I should replay that.”

Oh here we go.  She’s teasing a future stream.  Because that’s the only way she plays games.  I’ll look forward to that stream.  If she’s half as bad at Donkey Kong Country as she is at Super Mario Bros, it’s going to be some video.

2;30 – “I have never used a wireless N64 controller.”

Oh.  Fascinating.  Tell us more stories about things that you haven’t done, Auntie Erin.

3:30 – She’s talking about some stuffed animals.  “Oh, they were called Nintendo Beanies because Beanie Babies were popular.”

Did you have any Beanie Babies, Erin?  Of course not.  

It’s tragic.  What were her parents doing?  Was Erin some kind of sociological experiment?  Like that rhesus monkey who was “raised” by a wire-framed “mother” but still clung on to the rag “mother”.  Anyone know what I’m talking about?  Let me look this up.

Wow.  That guy sounds awful.  

Speaking of awful people, back to Erin Plays.

3:30 – “So this is what caught my eye.  Right here.  The video game storage device.  I never had anything like this growing up.”


“I don’t remember seeing one before.  These would have been really useful.”

Yeah.  For people who have video games.  Maybe she could have put her Sailor Moon doll clothes and accessories in there.

4:00 – She shows a carrying case for the N64.  “I guess some kids did that.  I don’t know.  I never took mine anywhere.”

Can you show us some thing that you’ve actually done?  Or had?  Skip the video game section.  Go to the doll section.

4:45 – “I have not played the Sega Genesis version of Lion King.”

This is just ridiculous.

5:45 – She keeps talking about the “Sega Genesis 2.”  She did this in a previous video too.  Yeah, here:

There is nobody ON EARTH who called this thing the “Sega Genesis 2”.  It’s just a weird thing that appears in JC Penney catalogues, apparently.  It was just a different…whatever…model of the Genesis. 

Nobody calls the top loader NES the NES 2.  Nobody calls the slim PS2 the PS2 2.  But this is what JC Penney did because the people making the catalogue were trying to sell merchandise to people who didn’t know any better.  And the people making the catalogue didn’t know any better. 

But now we all know better.  It was just a redesign.  It’s still just a Genesis.  Not a Genesis 2.  But Erin is completely clueless.

6:00 – “I have a Sega Pico but I have yet to try it out and use it.” (nervous laugh)

Oh.  Something that you’ve yet again purchased solely to make a Youtube video on.  And you’re so disinterested in this shit that you didn’t even bother to test to see if it works.

7:30 – She’s talking about Gameboys now.  “I never had any of the accessories.”

What are we all doing here?  What are we doing with our lives?  Writing a review about a total fraud who has done NOTHING her entire life.  

She did nothing as a child.  And she’s done nothing as an adult.  

She seems to have had no toys as a child.  She has no childhood memories.  She presumably did nothing as a child.  Then she went to Pink Dog once in high school and threw up.  Then she passed out at a concert when she was 17.  Then she got a degree in English.  Then she got a job in a record store.  Then she started her Youtube channel.  Then she moved across country to live with a man she doesn’t love in a cynical attempt to become a big Youtube retro gaming star.  And failed hard.

Those rhesus monkeys in the lab had more fulfilling lives.

8:15 – Finally.  The fucking Barbie section.  Strap in, boys.  She might actually tell a story about something that she owned.

Barbie Fashion Designer.  She had this.  It was software to make clothes for your dolls.  She couldn’t get it to work…

Oh fuck.  Now we’re back to games.  What is this shit?  Nobody wants this.  Nobody wants to see a 33 year old woman with no experience with video games looking through a video game catalogue from 25 years ago.

10:00 – She’s looking at Tiger handheld games.  There’s a Batman one.  “Why is that figure on there like that?  Does he stay on the d-pad like that?”

It’s obviously a fucking joystick in the shape of Batman.  Poorly designed.  

10:30 – “Oh my god, the Clueless phone.  I kind of remember this.”

Good story.

10:45 – Sabrina the Teenage Witch doll with Salem the cat is “cute”.

13:00 – “I had a remote control car from Radio Shack.  It was cool but the battery would just die so fast.”

Holy shit.  A story about something that she actually had.  And she’s right.  These batteries would die really fast.  So you quickly realised what a shitty toy they were.

“I’ll be back very soon.  Maybe with some more toy catalogues.  I don’t know.”

Please don’t.  These videos are terrible.  But they’re easy to make and she doesn’t have to show her chubby frame in them so that’s why she’s doing this shit.

What about the other sections of the catalogue?  Not just the bra section, obviously but what about the furniture section?  Or the clothes section?  Or whatever.  Kitchen appliances.  Lawn care.  Televisions.  Gadgets.  There’s all kinds of shit.  Why concentrate on the video game section?  She doesn’t know anything about video games.

Maybe she has more interesting things to say about lawn mowers.  I don’t know.  

When I was a kid, our neighbour had a push mower.  He was an old man.  I wonder why he used that.  Maybe it worked.  We didn’t have huge yards.  Maybe that’s all that was needed.  

We had a gas mower for a long time.  And I had to mow the lawn.  So that was a pain getting that thing to work.  You have to keep pulling the cord.  And it was heavy.  

Then later, we got an electric mower.  That was a lot lighter and easier to start but it was weird because you had this huge cord plugged into the socket.  And I was always afraid that I was going to run over the cord and get electrocuted.  

Surely they don’t have models like that any more.  You can just charge them, right?  Let me check.

Well, there are cordless models but also they still have the type that are plugged in all the time.  The cordless models are a lot more expensive.

I wonder what kind of lawn mower Erin had as a child.  Or how about now?  Maybe Mike has a riding mower to take care of his palatial estate.  Maybe Mike makes Erin put on some Daisy Dukes and climb up there to do some yard work.  On the hottest day of the year in rural Pennsylvania.  Erin is getting all dirty and sweaty.  She can barely control that raw 15 horsepower engine.  Her flab is jiggling all over.  And Mike is inside, with the air conditioning on full blast, just watching.  He has a glass of lemonade in one hand and himself in the other.  

2 thoughts on “Browsing a 1997 JCPenney Christmas Catalog! – Erin Plays

  1. Yeah, you have to assume that there have been some serious discussions about this. He promoted her so aggressively for a while. That must have been on her instigation. And that was the whole reason she moved in with him in the first place. It's just sad for everyone involved. Mike is getting taken advantage and Erin is wasting her life with this hopeless Youtube dream.

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