https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUUdi-KfI54
Erin’s first video. I’m so *nostalgic* for it.
Knowing what we know now, I thought it might be interesting to check out where it all began.
0:00 – “I didn’t discover this game until not that long ago”.
Ooh, the proto “I’ve never played this before.” I wonder when she settled on “I’ve never played this before.”
Obviously, “I didn’t discover this game until not that long ago” is more vague. Frankly, it’s less honest. But it’s still interesting that right out of the gate, she’s playing games that she never played before and she’s almost telling the viewer that.
And she does this with every video. Every video starts with, “I’ve never played this before” or a variation thereof. So how can anyone possibly claim that this is a “gamer”? She’s fucking telling you in every video that she has no interest or knowledge of video games.
“But I’m a big Disney parks nerd so when I heard that existed, I was like, ‘I have to try it'”
She first heard of the game when she was Googling “Disney NES games”, in a bizarre attempt to start a Youtube channel about video games.
And as she’s said many times, she’s interested in Disney. And she originally intended for her channel to ONLY cover Disney games. Obviously, these would all still be games that she’s never played before but I think that that would have been a better course of action. Because at least if she did that, she’s playing this shit because she’s interested in DISNEY. Not video games. I could get behind that. It’s a Disney channel, not a video game channel. She’s being straight up with the viewer that she’s interested in Disney, not video games.
Instead, she quickly went off the rails and started playing fucking Contra and shit. Horribly. I still can’t believe that Contra stream where she had a cheat code that gave her an extra life every time she killed someone and she still died so many times that I thought she’d get a game over.
0:15 – “Here we are at the title screen. It’s a little more HD than usual”.
She then goes on to explain that she’s using a Retron Five or whatever. She then sings the praises of this thing, saying that it makes the games look more “crisp and HD”.
She no longer uses this thing. I think that she stopped around about the time she got with the love of her life: Mike Matei. I believe that the Retron Five is no longer in vogue. Nerds complain about…whatever. “Lag” issues. I don’t know. But “hardcore” retro “gamers” talk about how everything has to be on the original hardware, so that’s what Erin started aping around about the time she got with Mike.
Naturally, Erin is not a hardcore “gamer”. The Retron Five is perfectly fine for her purposes, as it probably is for EVERYONE’S purposes. Indeed, emulators on your computer are perfectly fine for everyone and the Retron Five is useless in that respect. But, for whatever reason, emulators are looked down upon by these hardcore nerds so Erin just went along with it. How can she possibly notice any “lag”? She never played the games on the original hardware. And the difference, if it even exists, is imperceptibly small. It won’t affect Erin’s abysmal abilities. She didn’t suddenly become a pro gamer when she switched to original hardware.
0:30 – “Okay, I’m going to enter my name. I’m not going to do anything funny.”
Indeed. This is something that she always does. “ERIN”. That’s it. She’s not going to do anything funny because she has no talent for comedy. She’s boring. So just put your real name in the game.
I’ve NEVER done this. And I’m not even making a Youtube video trying to entertain people. I’m just playing games in my spare time like a normal person. But I’ve always been “PaulZ” or whatever. A little joke at the handicapped to amuse myself.
I’m not recommending something like that for a public video but something. Come up with something half-way funny. “POO” or “ASS” would even be an improvement. No. Just “ERIN”. Let’s make this as boring as humanly possible.
1:00 – “Oh my god. So I pressed start just out of habit and it sends you right into the game so I don’t know the rest.”
She skipped the introductory scene. And then rather than re-do the video, she just moved on.
Very much in keeping with her later videos. She puts no effort whatsoever into these.
All she had to do was restart the game. She just fucking started. There’s not much to edit out. Restart the game and then press the “B” button or whatever to scroll through the story. No. She just moves on. This is what she does. Who needs to put effort into these videos? I’m a 29 year old middling-attractive woman and I’m playing a video game. People are going to shower me with money. Fame and fortune, here I come!
1:30 – There’s a trivia question about Disney.
Which of these non-Disney character (sic) is not in the film, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
A. Yosemite Sam
B. Daffy Duck
C. Popeye
She doesn’t know. “I’ve actually kind of semi-recently watched this movie and I don’t remember.”
I haven’t seen it and I’m telling you that the answer is Popeye. The other two are Warner Bros characters, so I’ll say Popeye.
But here we have Erin, super Disney fan, and she doesn’t know the answer. By sheer luck, she guessed correctly. It was Popeye.
Next question:
When Goofy first appeared, he had another name. What was it?
A. Horace Horsecollar
B. The Goof
C. Dippy Dog
She doesn’t know. And she finds the word “Horace” hilarious because it sounds like “whores” if you have a speech impediment.
It’s Dippy Dog. I know this and I don’t give a fuck about Disney.
Then she goes with “The Goof”, which was the most idiotic option of the three.
This is a fucking huge Disney fan.
What is she actually interested in? Is there anything? Disney and 90s pop music are the two closest things that she has to genuine interests. But she doesn’t know anything about them. At least not Disney.
McDonalds was another one that she used to give. But remember the time that she didn’t understand why the Hamburglar didn’t have any dialogue in that McDonalds game?
She has no fucking knowledge about anything. Not even things that she claims to be interested in. This goes for Disney, McDonalds, video games, and presumably 90s pop music.
I just don’t can’t understand what she’s been doing with her life. How can you go your entire life and never develop an interest in anything?
I know more about McDonalds and Disney than she does and I don’t care in the slightest about these topics. How did all of this pass her by? Even if she wasn’t interested in this stuff, why doesn’t she know about it?
It’s baffling stuff. It’s like she just emerged from a cocoon in 2017, fully formed, with no knowledge of the world.
3:00 – She plays some racing mini game. The race starts, everyone takes off at full speed, and Erin slowly inches up the screen. She doesn’t know the controls and she doesn’t care.
“What do you press to go fast?”
Well, there are only two buttons. It can’t be that complicated. Maybe play the game before you do the video. Or just edit this first attempt out and insert footage of you playing semi-competently. But again, that would require effort. Just do everything in one take.
3:15 – Then she just falls off a bridge and into the water.
“That seems unfair. To me, that looks like a shadow. Maybe it’s a ledge but to me that looks like a shadow and I think that’s unfair.”
It is a shadow. So why did she try to drive on the shadow? I don’t even…it makes no fucking sense. Why would you be able to drive on the fucking shadow? It just demonstrates her complete and utter lack of experience with video games. Apparently, in her mind, you should be able to drive on shadows.
Horrendous gameplay, by the way. This would become another Erin Plays staple.
And again, she drives straight into the water off of this bridge. She still doesn’t know that you can’t drive on the shadows?
4:00 – A bridge opens and closes. She waits for the bridge to appear and then, about two seconds later, slowly crosses the bridge. Then she continues at her leisurely pace and a beeping sound starts. It’s the universal “time is running out” sound. But Erin says, “Oh, I’m running out of time. I thought for a second that that meant that I beat it.”
Unbelievable. First of all, she doesn’t recognise the obvious “time is running out” sound.
But secondly, she thinks that in video games, you get a beeping sound when you cross a bridge. She thinks that crossing a bridge in a racing game means that you “beat” the game, or at least that section. She expects fanfare for completing the smallest of tasks.
She clearly has never played a video game before. What we’re seeing here is somebody playing a video game for the first time in their life.
“If I run out of time, I’m going to be pissed”
And she continues travelling in what appears to be first gear and running into every single obstacle as the other cars whiz past her.
Did I mention that this game is for young children?
Then she fails the game. Time runs out.
5:00 – She starts over. Again, all the cars take off and she slowly plods along.
“Damn, that was frustrating. I don’t think I’ve been that frustrated playing a game in a long time.”
Nobody can watch this and honestly believe that she’s played a video game before.
5:45 – She creeps up on this bridge again, slowly goes across, and the “time running up” sound starts. “Now I have to haul ass”. And she again seemingly travels in first gear and hits all of the traffic cones like they’re power ups.
Then she completes this game for six year olds and goes into a fake, exaggerated celebration. She does not give a fuck about this. Why would she?
6:30 – She plays some side-scrolling mini game.
9:00 – The same “time running out” noise appears. Erin says, “What’s that noise? What does that mean”
We’ve been through this already.
This is conclusive proof that she’s never played a video game before. She’s totally unfamiliar with the “time running out” sound.
Then she dies.
9:15 – “I hate this level so much, or this section. Well, no, I hate the whole level. Even the parts I think I like, I hate. I just never want to see this ever again but like I have to do it.”
Perfect summary of how she sees video games. She hates them, she’ll never play them in her spare time, but she has to beat them for the purposes of a Youtube video.
Then a montage of her repeatedly dying in the same spot.
10:45 – Then she beats the level and again goes through this fake “celebration”.
This is something that I don’t think she does any more. So thank god for small mercies. Her acting skills are attrocious.
11:00 – She plays some mine cart mini game.
“I’m trying to figure out the controls.”
Yeah. Come on. Couldn’t she have done this before she started the video?
11:30 – “So you are timed but I’m going to go kind of slow.”
Oh. That sounds like a good plan.
“This is kind of cool. I actually like this idea for a mini game. It’s kind of cute.”
The first of many appearances of “cute”.
And she’s blown away by the concept of a mine cart game. They’re extremely common, of course, but she has no experience with video games.
12:15 – The “time running out” sound starts. Let’s see if she figures it out this time.
After a few seconds of this, she says, “Oh, god, am I going to run out of time?”
Then by sheer luck, she ends up at the correct exit. Cue the fake “celebrations”.
13:00 – She plays some other side-scrolling mini-game.
14:45 – “So far I hate this level. I despise it. I never want to play it ever again.”
And she won’t. She has this same exact approach to every single game. She plays it for the video because she’s getting paid. But she’ll never touch this shit ever again.
“But I have to beat it because I hate myself.”
She may hate herself but she’s trying to beat this for the purposes of a Youtube video. That’s it.
Even this she gave up on. There are plenty of games that she didn’t beat. And why is it even necessary? I don’t want to see somebody beat a game on their first attempt of playing it. That just indicates that the game is ridiculously easy, especially if somebody as unskilled as Erin can beat it on her first attempt.
15:30 – She complains about the game “glitching out” and then says, “If you can’t handle that many sprites on the screen, why are you putting so many sprites on the screen.”
I’m surprised that she knows about this issue.
“Let’s do this. Let’s just get this shit over with.”
Indeed.
17:45 – The “time running out” sound starts. She says, “What?” I’m not sure if that’s because she’s surprised that time is already running out or she’s still confused as to what this sound actually means.
Then time runs out and she doesn’t even mention it.
19:15 – She beats the level and does her awful fake celebration.
“Jesus, that was so difficult.”
Again, this is a game for very young children.
20:00 – The final mini game is like Dragon’s Lair where you have to press a button or a direction at a specific time. The game tells you what to press, though. So like those Guitar Hero games or whatever, I guess.
Erin is totally confused. She’s never seen such a game before. Of course. This is her first time playing a video game.
Then she dies and doesn’t know why. It’s because she missed too many of these things.
23:30 – She beats this children’s game and says, “My eyes are just dry, and I can’t even, oh my god.”
Talking about her fake medical conditions. That would also become a staple of Erin Plays videos.
24:15 – After wandering around for a while, not knowing where to go to complete the game, she eventually finds the location and does her fake “celebration” some more.
25:00 – She summarises the game. “I’d only recommend it if you have a tonne of patience”. It’s a game for six year olds. And she again says that she’ll never play this game again.
Then it ends by crediting Joe Baxter for the camera. What does that mean? There was a guy filming this? It looked like a still camera at all times to me. There was a guy just holding the camera all the time? That’s kind of creepy. Just get a tripod. Or maybe it means that he lent her the camera? But that would be weird.
There are also sound and editing credits but no names attached to those. Nobody wanted to take credit for the sound or editing in this thing, I guess. Can’t blame them for that.
But yeah, these closing credits aren’t something that she would continue with.
So that’s…that’s some historic crap. From these humble beginnings, the great Erin Plays empire would grow.
A lot of stuff would remain the same but she would also add stuff to her arsenal: Wikipedia dot com, “X looks like Y”, and taking full doses of rectal dong by Mike Matei in a futile effort to become a rich and famous fake gamer grrl.
– “Popeye! Dippy dawg! Ugh, that racing mini game looked difficult. I vaguely remember this at day care. Space mountain is fun; it’s kinda like that game you and mike streamed recently thumper”
This guy remembers the game from DAY CARE! So I over-estimated when I said that the game was for six year olds. She’s literally playing a game for toddlers.
A lot of the comments are about her appearance. Some things never change. Well, I suppose that these comments won’t continue indefinitely.
Oh, NewWaveJunkie left a comment. And this was from three years ago. She released this video three years ago. So he’s been a fan from early days.
“So I finally finished binge watching your videos and now I don’t know what else to do but watch them all over again. Love your content, Erin! Can’t wait to see more!”
Isn’t this the Lego guy? Yeah. Fucking pathetic.
This guy is actually watching these videos multiple times. Although, this is the second time that I’m doing a review of this video. But I’m doing it ironically. He’s doing it with his pants around his ankles.