7 DATA EAST GAMES You Need to Play! – Erin Plays


Let me start by saying that this makes absolutely no sense.  I’ve played some old Nintendo and Sega games.  I’m familiar with the company Data East.  But off the top of my head, I couldn’t give you a single Data East title.

Now we have Erin.  Erin has never played a video game in her life unless it was on stream, for money, or for a Youtube video, for money.  She started doing this three years ago at the age of 29.  She probably played…let’s say one game a week for three years…150 games.  And when I say “play” I mean no more than four hours.  The vast majority of the games that she’s played have been for less than an hour.  In many cases, she’s played a game for SECONDS and counts that as having “played the game”.

So what possible use is Erin’s opinion on the top ten Data East games?  This is the sort of topic that a hardcore retro gamer who’s played all of these old games extensively, probably in their youth, would MAYBE try to tackle.  And even they should be uncomfortable with it.  Have you really played every Data East game sufficiently to be able to give an informed opinion?  Let me look at how many games Data East released.  Some of that Wikipedia dot com action, that I know Erin will also partake in.

They’ve released 119 games.  Has Erin played all of these?  Extensively?  Or even at all?  You think that that she played Suiko Enbu: Fuun Saiki?  Oh, it’s a fighting game.  No way did she play that.  That memory of watching Erin “play” some Mortal Kombat game is burned into my mind for all eternity.  It was the worst fucking gameplay I have ever seen.  It was worse than her Mario Maker 2 gameplay.  It was worse than her Doom gameplay.  It was absolutely unbelievable.

Anyway, let’s look at how many games on this that I’m familiar with.  I’ve played some games in my time but I’m not some fucking hardcore nerd about it.

Bad Dudes
Bloody Wolf
Bump n Jump
Caveman Games
Karate Champ
Kung Fu Master
Lock n Chase
Magical Drop
Ring King

That’s it.  I’ve played less than 10% of the Data East library.  And this is from somebody who actually plays video games.  NO WAY would I make a video about the 7 best Data East video games.  But here we have fucking Erin, who never played ANY of these 119 games before, as far as I’m aware, and she’s going to tell you the top seven.  How?  How can she possibly give an informed opinion?  Who the fuck is getting their seven best Data East game advice from Erin Plays?  It just doesn’t make any fucking sense.

So this was a promoted video.  It was promoted by the Cinemassacre Youtube channel, which of course is owned by Mike Matei.  He promotes it in the “community” tab.  Who actually looks at the community tab on these Youtube channels?  I have no idea.  But the top comment BY FAR is “Oh hi Mike.” with 71 thumbs up.  For comparison purposes, the next highest comment has 10 thumbs up.  That simply says “Who”.

The thumbnail is Erin in a pink tank top and she’s trying to make a “cute” face and you can kind of see her boobs, such as they are.  I mean…John Riggs has bigger tits than this and he’s not showing them off.  You have to work with what you have.  But whatever.

0:15 – Wikipedia dot com.  Straight up.  I think that she’s reading the article verbatim.

0:30 – Burger Time.  I think that this is a game that she’s played before, on stream, for money.  Erin enjoys games which feature “cute” food.

Is anyone benefiting from these insights?  By what criteria did she determine that Burger Time was one of Data East’s top seven games?  Well, maybe she’ll explain.  I should give her a chance.

Holy shit.  Then she reads the Wikipedia article for Burger Time.

Then she just describes what happens in the game.

Oh here we go.  “Probably one of the main reasons that I enjoy this game was due to the cute characters and food theme.”

Oh.  Do we even need to continue the video?  This is trash.

Imagine that you don’t know Erin.  You don’t give a fuck about Erin.  You just want to find out what the best seven Data East games are.  Time is precious.  You don’t want to waste it on bad Data East games.  Only the best.

So you find this video.  And this is how she fucking starts it.  “This is the best game because it’s cute.”

You’d turn that shit off.  Even if you didn’t know Erin, even if you didn’t know that she has absolutely no experience with video games, you’d turn it off.  This video is fucking useless.

Who’s the target audience?  Horny fucking losers like Joe from Gamesack, John Riggs, Shishi, Sergio from Argentina, and that Russian idiot who always signs off with “From Russia with love”.  That explains the thumbnail.  This is pure jerk off material for people with a bizarre fetish for 32 year old middling attractive women who pretend to play video games.  No actual “gamer” is going to receive any benefit from this video.

What a fucking idiot I’ve been.  All this time I’ve been critiquing Erin’s videos on the basis of them being videos about video games.  I should have been reviewing them on the basis of being pornography for people with a very specific and odd fetish.

It would be like me reviewing The Wizard of Oz porn parody and complaining about it being rife with inaccuracies.  Why is there only one munchkin?  There was no pimp in the original movie.  Did they change actors for the Scarecrow part-way through the film?

NOBODY CARES!  That’s not what they’re there for.  They want to know if the sex scenes are any hot.  How big are the tits?  Any ass to mouth stuff?

So let’s review this seven best Data East games video on that basis because that’s apparently the target audience for these videos.

I’m not jerking off to this.  I don’t find Erin attractive.  I don’t find playing video games, whether real or simulated, to be erotic.

But let’s say you do.  Let’s say that you have this video game sexual fetish.  There’s a lot better out there.  Destiny Fomo.  Some big tits there.  There’s Bobdunga.  Similar body to Erin, if that’s what you’re into, but a prettier face.  Better personality as well.  I think that that counts for something when you’re jerking off.

And then you always hear about these “titty streamers”.  I don’t know any names but I’ve seen some of the videos.  Yeah, some of those women are really packing.  You know what I mean?  Breasts.  And they have them out there, bouncing around, and they’re kind of playing a video game at the same time.  Hot shit if that’s your fetish.

Erin?  No.  You can give this one a pass.  It fails as pornography and it fails as video game content.

Just out of interest, let’s see what the other six games are.

2:00 – Real Ghostbusters.  She tells you why it was called “Real Ghostbusters”.  But her Wikipedia research is faulty.  Yes, there was a 1970s live action show called Ghostbusters but the cartoon “Ghostbusters” (as opposed to The Real Ghostbusters) was made AFTER The Real Ghostbusters, and was an attempt to capitalise on the popularity of The Real Ghostbusters.  At least that’s my understanding.  I don’t give a fuck about this.  I’m an adult.

Anyway, the game looks like shit.

3:30 – Tumble Pop.  Some Bubble Bobble clone that nobody has ever heard of.

4:30 – Bad Dudes.

5:00 – “The game asks possibly the most infamous question in retro gaming history. ‘Are you a bad enough dude to save the president?”

The actual quote is “rescue the president”, not “save the president”.  It’s right there in the video.  So she got that wrong.

But I’ve never heard this in my life.  How infamous can it possibly be?  She just doesn’t have a fucking clue.

6:30 – Windjammers.  Mike recently did a video of this game with Tony.  Gee, Erin.  Where do you get your ideas?

She just gives the world’s worst review.  She clearly only played this game briefly.  Same with all of these games.

8:00 – Magical Drop III.  It’s cute.  That’s her reason.  It was also her reason for all of these games.  I talked about Burger Time.  Ghostbusters has cute ghosts and a cute walking animation.  Tumble Pop is just a generally cute game.  Bad Dudes has cute background signs.  Windjammers has a cute 90s look with bright colours.  This is complete trash.

Really bad gameplay.  She doesn’t have a fucking clue how to play this thing.  Again, she only played it very briefly.

9:15 – Joe and Mac.  Can we just end this already?  Hasn’t it been seven games?  It’s cute.  That’s the reason.

“It’s also available on Zeebo, if that’s your thing.”

I never even fucking heard of this.  But super gamer Erin knows all the obscure consoles.  Tell us more about Zeebo, Erin.  We all want to enjoy your endless depth of video game knowledge.

11:15 – Joe and Mac 2.  I’m not sure if this is a new game for the list or just a continuation.  This seems like way more than seven games.

11:45 – Congo’s Caper.  It’s cute.  She even says that it’s a cuter version of Joe and Mac.

Honourable mentions.  No.  I’m done.  I’m done with this shit.  I don’t care.  Fuck off.

Is it me or there are more downvotes than usual?  No, there definitely are.  She’s already up to 100.  She has about 50 on other recent videos, with the same number of likes.  So yeah, I think the extra downvotes are from people who don’t appreciate Mike advertising this shit.  Of course, I contributed my downvote, as usual.

More views too.  But not that much more.  I think it’s like twice as much.  Instead of 15,000 views, which is about her average, this one will probably get 30,000.

Mike spamming her channel no longer works.  Everybody already knows about the channel.  If they’re not watching the videos it’s because they know that the videos are trash.  It’s as simple as that.

– “I do not understand your haters? I love your content, thank you!”

What is this guy talking about?  Look at the comments.  Not a single “hater” to be found.  Oh.  They all got banned.

– ” I didnt know any of these games ! Thank you for the video”

Really?  You didn’t know any of them?  We might have found somebody with even less video game knowledge than Erin.

– “Make better videos haha”

Yeah.  That’s the secret, Erin.  That’s the secret to get more views.  It’s not about dressing “sexy” or having Mike promote your channel in exchange for butt sex.  Of course, she’s incapable of making better videos because she doesn’t know the first fucking thing about video games.

Why doesn’t Mike at least tell her to stop using the word “cute”?  This fucking shit video was just seven “cute” games that she happened to stumble upon in her search for “content”.  We get it.  Some games are cute.  We already fucking knew this.  We don’t need you to tell us.

– “Wind Jammers is basically just pong no?”

She never played Pong.

– “Your entire fashion aesthetic in this video has such on-point color choices. Your hair, glasses and clothes complement each other strikingly well, they contrast in a vibrant and colorful way.”

Good luck getting a date with that shit.  This guy doesn’t have a fucking clue.  Nobody is going to be impressed with that nerd shit.  This is his fucking idea of a pick up line.

– “How could you leave out Robocop?”

It’s not cute, you fucking dumbass.  Didn’t you watch the video?  Haven’t you seen ANY of Erin’s videos?  You haven’t figured it out by now?  She doesn’t play games.  She doesn’t know anything.  You’re expecting way too much.

– “You could make a series of this… I’m interested in knowing your fav Konami games for example …”

Are you fucking kidding me?  Don’t these people watch the videos?  What are they seeing that I’m not?  How can ANYONE reach the conclusion that Erin is somehow knowledgeable about video games?

And then she replies that she’d like to make such a video.  Fucking unbelievable.  Do something else with your life, Erin.  This is a waste of fucking time.

I went to university for four years.  I remember getting the degree.  I didn’t go to any ceremony, I just picked it up from the “bursar’s office” or whatever.  And I remember thinking, “What a huge fucking waste of time this was.”

It turns out that I was right.  I never had a job that required a degree.  I should have just gone straight into looking for work after high school.  Even if they were shit jobs, at least I would have made some money and got some work experience and who knows what it could have lead to?  Instead, I wasted all of that time and money on a useless degree.

Erin has been doing this Youtube channel for almost four years.  Why?  Doesn’t she see how futile this is?

And she’s not only wasting her time, she’s also getting fucked in the ass over this.  Literally.  At least they weren’t doing that to me in college.

It’s just the world’s worst decision.  And Mike has to take some blame for this too.  He knew that her channel was never going to be popular.  He’s a fucked up person for agreeing to ruin somebody’s life like this.  And for what?  Regular buttsex.  Just go out with a dude if that’s what you’re into.  See if James is interested.

Anyway, another shit video from Erin.  What’s her ratio for good to shit videos now?  Well, she has 121 videos so…she’s 0:121.  Maybe one day.

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