Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie

I never watched this thing.  But then I saw that Robbie Rist is in it.  Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch?  I’m sold.

Apparently, he was also Michaelangelo in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies.  Does that mean that he was the voice or the guy in the costume or both?  I’m guessing it’s just the voice.  But he’s the alien in this shitty AVGN movie.  Does the alien have any lines?   We’ll find out.  Maybe.  Two fucking hours.  I don’t know if I’ll get through this.

By the way, I’m not paying for this shit.  It’s readily available on a certain archive site.  I have to assume that this is authorised.

Wow.  I’m only four minutes in and this is CRAZY egotistical.  EVERYBODY loves “the nerd”.  They all want to give him free blowjobs for all eternity.  I knew that this was a common complaint about this movie but I wasn’t prepared.  This is unbelievable.  How did he think that this was a good idea?  Hey, James, I just watch the videos to pass the time.  I don’t think that you’re some mystical genius..

4:45 – Oh god.  He does that fly shit/pepper thing that his grandfather told him.  This is at least the third time that he’s committed this fucking idiotic expression to “film”.  I have to assume that his grandfather was senile at the time he was saying this but James REALLY loves it.  What a disgusting tribute to his grandfather.  “Hehe…poop…I’ll never forget you, grandpa.”

Holy shit.  And now EVERYONE wants him to review ET.  Or whatever it’s called in this piece of shit…Eee Tee or whatever.  He’s playing fake games, by the way.  I mean…this is fucked up.  This is how he sees himself.  His “fans” are all a bunch of horny dudes who want to suck his dick and they’re all clamouring for an ET review.

In reality, nobody gives a fuck.  You want to review ET, review ET.  I know that people would suggest that he reviews it but it’s not the desperate, life and death pleas that are portrayed in this “film”.

Why did nobody stop him?  “James…this is a bit much.  You should tone this down.”  No.  Everybody loves this guy like they love puppy dogs and sunshine.  Everybody all over the world.  He even taught one guy how to speak English.

Well, not every continent is represented.  There’s a scene that shows all of these horny losers on one screen.  Not a single Asian person.  And only one black guy.  Only one girl too.  Well, two but the other one is there with her boyfriend.

And all of these people are HARDCORE nerds.  Not a single normal person to be found.  Not even REMOTELY normal.  This is how he views his “fanbase”.  A bunch of MASSIVELY socially awkward imbeciles whose sole joy in life is watching AVGN videos.

7:00 – He throws a fake cartridge for a fake game out the window.  The window crashes with bad CGI.  It lands in a garbage can, which then explodes with bad CGI.

This was another big complaint about this movie.  What the fuck?  This is terrible.  Why would the trash can even explode?  Is this funny to somebody?

7:15 – We’re introduced to the camera man.  This is the guy who’s much maligned as a token black character.  I don’t know.  I’ll keep an open mind.

7:30 – Oh god.  And then AVGN is in a little nerd car and he’s giving like mentoring advice to this black guy.  I already forgot his name.  In order to be a nerd, you can’t date women.  That just seems gay to me.  Is AVGN coming on to this guy?

And the expression used is “nerds before birds”, which doesn’t make sense in this context.  “Bird” is (or was…I haven’t seen it used in 20 years) a British expression for “women”.  But it was never used in the US, as far as I’m aware.

“Dicks before chicks” would seem more appropriate.

8:30 – Then Cooper (the black guy) encourages AVGN to review ET.  “You know it’s your most requested game.  You get emails about it all the time.”

James LOVES himself.  And he hates his “fans” who are always clamouring for more.  His fans are just obsessed with basking in his glory.  They can’t get enough of it.

There have also been a number of disgusting scatological “jokes”.  I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never laughed at these stupid doo doo rants.  Not once.

Then Cooper asks AVGN if he’s seen any of his videos.  AVGN has not and asks, “What is it?  Super Video Game Dude?”  Cooper says, “No, it’s Super Rad Video Game Dude.”

This is James showing his disdain to people who have copied his “brilliant” idea.  But everybody, absolutely EVERYBODY wants to be like “the nerd”.

By the way, I know that James refers to the character as “the Nerd” on a regular basis but it’s stupid.  Does anyone else actually use this term when describing AVGN?

9:00 – Then a kid comes in and he too loves AVGN.  I mean REALLY loves him.  Just like everyone else in this piece of shit.

What the fuck was he thinking with this?  How many people saw this thing before it was released?  NOBODY said to tone it down?  Did Kevin Finn actually write this shit?  He must have a deeply unhealthy homosexual obsession with James if he wrote any of this.

When this was being shot, did nobody say, “This is a bit much”?  When it was being edited did nobody say, “Perhaps we went too far with this”?

They just fucking released it like this.  They thought that this was good.  Everybody REALLY loves AVGN.  And the fans are all obsessed uber nerds who will never have sex in their lives.  At least not heterosexual sex.  It’s just…what the fuck?

I’ve never seen anything like this.  Jesus of Nazareth in The Greatest Story Ever Told is a more humble and down to earth character than “the Nerd” in Angry Video Game: The Movie.  I’m not even joking.  James put himself above our Lord and saviour.

I’m fucking done with this shit.  I genuinely wanted to watch the whole film but I think it’s only going to get worse.  There’s the scene with the fans portrayed as mindless zombies who just can’t get enough of AVGN that I wanted to see.  I wanted to see of the awful special effects.  I wanted to see the terrible acting.  I wanted to see the horrible writing.  I wanted to see the convoluted mess of a plot.  I wanted to see (or hear) Robbie Rist.  I wanted to talk about the red-haired woman who had a promising career but never worked again after getting involved in this fiasco.

There’s a lot that I wanted to see and talk about here but I just can’t.  NO TIME!  No time to waste on this complete fucking trash.  No wonder this film completely destroyed him.  Holy shit.  What a disaster.  He spent all of that money.  All of that time.  Disappointed everybody.  He’ll never be taken seriously as a “film creator” after this.  He’s a hugely egotistical autistic man who should have been reigned in MASSIVELY.

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