Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rK7z9GqJqbU

This is a clip from a recent Mike Matei stream.  Mike was playing Dick Tracy for the Genesis.  I watched this full stream.  

Mike was talking about how awesome Dick Tracy is and that he must be seven feet tall.  Shit like this.  So Erin comes in to bring him coffee or something.  Mike tries to include her in the stream, which is always death.  She has NO charisma whatsoever.  

So he asks her the easiest of questions: “How tall do you think Dick Tracy is?”.  You know.  This clip is only a minute long.  And Erin obviously thought that this shit was hilarious as opposed to awkward as fuck.  So let me do a full transcription.

Mike: Erin, how tall do you think Dick Tracy is?

Erin: Hmm…I haven’t seen the movie but judging by this video game, I would say…5’9″.

Mike: Oh, you think he’s shorter?

Erin: Yeah.  Isn’t there like —

Mike: You think he’s a short little fucker.

Erin: I don’t know.  Maybe —

Mike: I thought that he was like seven feet tall.

Erin: Well, I got to see him compared to the other dudes.

Mike: Okay.  Well, I’ll —

Erin: I mean, I’ll be back down in a minute.

Mike: Well, wait.  One second.  Like that guy right there.

Erin: Okay, well, see, that guy looks tall so I think that he’s maybe like 6’2″, perhaps.

Mike: Maybe 6’2″?

Erin: I’m going to go with 6’2″

Mike: All right.

Erin: Ha!

Mike: (laughs)

Erin: I wasn’t expecting that question!

(later)

Mike: Okay.  Let’s see if Dick can take care of Itchy.

Erin: Dick takes care of everything.

Mike: You bet it does.

Erin: (fake laughter)

That’s it.  That’s the fucking clip.  It starts with Erin saying that she never watched Dick Tracy (of course) and it seems like she doesn’t know that it was a comic strip.  

Then she’s asked the simplest of questions.  How tall is Dick Tracy.  She gets flustered.  She’s panicking.  She’s trying to come up with a funny answer and she comes up with NOTHING.  5’9″.  That’s her “comedy” answer that took her like ten seconds to come up with.

She just can’t have a conversation.  She’s not quick thinking whatsoever.  It’s not a moral failing but this is not entertaining.  She has negative charisma.  It’s painful to watch.  

So Mike is disappointed with her answer and tries to help her.  The best that she can come up with is that she needs to see him next to other dudes in the game.  

She knows NOTHING about the character.  So that’s why she can’t make any kind of witty or intelligent remark.  She can’t reference the other villains or shit like this.  All she knows about Dick Tracy is that he was in a movie in “the 90s” (that she didn’t see, of course) and that he’s in this game that Mike is currently playing.  That’s it.

And then the big “joke” of this clip is just Erin basically repeating what Mike said.  She does this a lot.  She’s completely incapable of coming up with anything original.  Watch the fucking videos.  All she does is point out shit in the background and colours and this sort of thing.  She never makes any popular culture references unless, it’s perhaps to 1990s pop music.  She never draws on any life experiences that she has.  She never references things that she read or current events or anything.  She never references other video games unless perhaps if it was a game that she played on stream, for money.  It’s all bland as fuck, “Here are some colours.  Here’s what I see in the background.”

This is boring.  It’s a boring woman who brings NOTHING to the table.  She’s not funny, she doesn’t know anything, she’s never done anything.  And yet John Riggs and Joe from Gamesack are jerking each other off over this.  

How did she possibly think that this was a good idea?  Forget about her not knowing anything about video games and never playing video games.  Even if she was to do videos on something that she knows about (Disney or 1990s pop music) what sane person would watch?  She’s boring as fucking shit.

She quit her job over this.  She actually thought that this was going to be a success.  How delusional can anyone possibly be?  

Here are three responses off the top of my head that would have been better than “5’9″”

1.  Maybe 80 pixels.

2.  Somewhere between Mumbles and Big Boy.

3.  It’s not something that I’ve ever thought about.  To be honest, I don’t give a fuck.

Three better responses to that “Dick can take care of Itchy” half-joke:

1.  I think that there’s a cream for that.

2.  Nobody wants to hear about your fungal problems.

3.   The man’s name is Dick.  Get over it.  This isn’t the fourth grade.