Gamer Girls

Oh. A new AVGN. The gay men on Reddit were posting endless homoerotic screenshots of that John guy. It’s probably only a short section of the video but clearly that’s what they’re into.

Twenty minutes. Do I even want to watch this, let alone watch it and write about it.

I’ve seen some good stuff of late. Zap Cristal posted a video saying that she’s retiring from Youtube, which is absolutely hysterical. I probably laughed out loud ten times. The level of delusion is off the charts. And no, she isn’t actually retiring from Youtube. She’s just complaining that nobody is watching her fucking videos any more.

And Newt did a livestream where he talked about his time at Cinemassacre, described Horseface as his “muse” once again, and said that he had sex with six people who are in his latest tits and gore masterpiece. And he said something like, “If I’m such a bad person, why would these six people still want to hang out with me?”

BECAUSE THEY’RE WHORES AND YOU’RE PAYING THEM, YOU CRETIN.

But it’s just disgusting. He’s constantly talking about people who he’s having sex with. And they’re all legitimate prostitutes.

I also saw a video where a couple of guys were reviewing the AVGN autobiography. I wanted to talk about that video too because one of the homosexual moderators of TheCinemassacreTruth is in there and he says NOTHING but “memes”. It’s fucking embarassing. “5:40! Remember when he said ‘5:40’? Be sure to mention that!”

Tony from Hack the Movies was also briefly in the chat but didn’t say anything interesting. I don’t think that he’s capable of saying anything interesting.

Anyway, moving on.

Blaster Master. I played the game once, off-stream, for no money. So I have Erin levels of expertise on the game.

0:15 – But first a word from our sponsor. And it’s James fucking “Don’t Look at My Bald Head” Rolfe wearing a Santa hat and shilling for…I’ll guess that fucking VPN again.

I don’t think so. He references that humiliating Rocky IV filming video that he did. As here:

Rocky Climbed a Mountain (Rocky IV filming locations) – Cinemassacre

That was over two years ago. The homos on Reddit still reference that video at least twice a day. Hello, autism.

Oh, actually I was kind of right. James is shilling for an “eSim” that’s from the same company that has that VPN that he’s constantly shilling for. According to some message on Reddit, it’s insanely overpriced.

2:15 – James, you are a bald man. Do something with the hair. This is uncomfortable to look at. He has a thin strip of hair on the top of his head that he combs over and uses some hair in a can type product. That’s what I think he’s doing, anyway.

People talk about taking those pills that allegedly give you hair. That shit doesn’t work and the side-effects are…not encouraging. How do I know it doesn’t work? Because if it worked, everybody would be taking it. The main claim seems to be that it will help stop hair loss as opposed to growing hair. How do we fucking know that that works? You can rub faeces in your hair and make the same claim. “Hey, this poop is really slowing the hair loss…I guess…I have no way of really knowing.”

What about a toupee? Bring it back. He’s all about the past. Use a retro method that was popular with coping with baldness.

There’s the surgery. What’s the disaster rate for these surgeries? 75%? And given the nature of balding, you’re going to have to go back to have surgeries again as your hair loss continues. And in the meantime, you’ll have this unnatural, lush area of hair that was taken from your ass or whatever and then this weird bald area…it’s just awful. Plus, it’s supposed to be painful and take ages to do. I don’t think that they take it from your ass but don’t they take the hair from the back of your head? You don’t have enough hair on the back of your head to cover your entire scalp. So then you’d have a huge bald area in the back of your head. I guess that that would be preferable. People shave the back and sides of their hair pretty regularly, just leaving the top. But still. Plus, the many thousands of dollars that this surely costs.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Bald James. He has to do something with this. Just cut it down really short. That’s all you need to do. For fuck’s sake, the guy is in his 40s. Who cares? What is he hanging on to? It looks like complete shit. ANYTHING that he does would be an improvement over what he’s currently doing. This is the worst possible option.

2:45 – He’s complaining about cut scenes. Mike wrote this. One hundred percent. This is something that Mike complains about in every fucking stream that he does.

So anyway, James (or, more accurately, Mike) enjoys the game. Oh, great. So what are we doing here?

Why do they basically limit themselves to Nintendo games? Try something else. This is…well, I’m thinking of times when they did try something other than Nintendo games. That Horse Prince mobile game was the worst episode they ever did. I’m sure that there are some decent ones that I’m not thinking of, though. I’m searching for “sega” on the list of episodes on Wikipedia and there are a fair number but I don’t remember any of them.

4:30 – Now Mike (through James) is talking about Fester’s Quest, another obsession of his (Mike’s).

7:30 – Numerous unfunny scat references from James. I think that these are the only parts of the script that James writes.

8:45 – Jimmy recites the alphabet like a retarded man for some reason. Oh. Seven and a half years, you say?

11:00. Okay. I’m taking a break. For how long? I don’t know. Days? Weeks? Maybe I’ll never come back to this.

It’s a new day. Let’s try again.

11:45 – He’s “angry”. He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd. Just look at his “anger”. He’s “angry” over a game that he’s not even playing. World’s worst acting.

12:00 – So the joke here is that he’s using an “AI controller”. What does this mean? I don’t know. Presumably, this is going to lead to the homoerotic material that the boys on Reddit REALLY seem to be digging. Let me check if they’re still talking about it.

“Cuckface” Transformers, sexy Bootsy, Justin Silverman is a big fat guy. Oh, here we go. Yeah, they’re still talking about it. Two threads about it. Just screenshots of John on a muscular man’s body. They’re loving it.

14:30 – So the review ended. I think. What did we learn from this? Umm…I don’t know. Mike (who wrote the script) seemed to think that the game was okay. So…great. That’s the video.

Now we’re on to the delicious skits. You guys like skits, right? It’s to do with this stupid “AI controller.” But he’s playing Contra III now for some unknown reason.

15:00 – Now he’s “playing” Double Dragon. “What happened in the Contra part of the video” you might be asking. NOTHING. What the fuck was the point of it? It didn’t advance anything.

16:15 – Now John is talking as the AI. Why is there an AI…umm…I don’t know what’s going on. This is all nonsense. This part was 100% written by James Rolfe. This is what he does. He puts a bunch of unrelated, random shit into a movie or a short or a Youtube skit or whatever and thinks that that makes it clever. No. It makes it retarded, Mr Seven and Half Years in Special Education.

I’ve said this before but if you think that AVGN Movie is unique in James’ body of work, where it’s just a bunch of random shit thrown together, just watch Wizard of Oz 3: Dorothy Goes to Hell, James’ retarded animated short that he did with Mike. It’s the same fucking thing.

Oh, I’m going to make a movie where a bird is smoking a carrot and then it starts raining beer and the beer turns everybody gay and then a giant sexy lady appears and she rubs a magic lamp and poop comes out of the lamp and soon half the world is covered in poop but then a meteor hits the earth and the poop all disappears but it turns out that the meteor was just an intergalactic spaceship and James Rolfe clones start streaming out of it and they go on an epic quest to enroll everybody into special education.

That’s not a movie. That’s random bullshit. But this is exactly what James “Sped” Rolfe does. And people humor this literal retard.

17:30 – So now the AI is making Jimmy play video games. Why? I don’t know. Why does James seem to be opposed to the idea? I don’t know.

17:45 – Here we go. Homoerotica to the rescue. Why is John’s face on a muscular man’s body? I don’t know. But the boys on Reddit are loving it.

Maybe that’s the target market demographic now. They’re just going to make openly gay videos to court the TheCinemassacreTruth crowd.

18:00 – James Rolfe is being forced to play Tony Hawk games and it’s really upsetting for old Jimmy. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA.

Then it just ends on a cliffhanger. You know…for this story that didn’t make one iota of sense. Stay tuned for next month’s episode. How will this complete nonsense end? My guess? More nonsense. I bet that Don Bluth teams up with Mike Matei and they fight an army of dung beetles. Then everything is resolved. “Help by Sean”.

Sean got credit for this one, by the way. That means that he did basically the whole thing. Pure garbage, Sean.

Well, I mean, I doubt that Sean did the poop jokes or the skit. That excrement has Jimmy’s name all over it. If something is bad and terrible and doesn’t make any sense, you know that Jimmy did it. What inanimate object will come to life to chase our hero James Rolfe? Tune in next time.

Let me see the actual thread that the boys on Reddit made about this. What are they saying about this other than jerking off to the John scenes?

Somebody mentions AI fixing his hairline. Yeah, that’s something that I was going to suggest but I forgot. Maybe they can run these videos through some AI thing that will give him hair.

• “He’s turning into Linkara with these lames skits and “lore”.”

I don’t know who that is but yeah, nobody likes the fucking skits. I don’t know why Jimmy doesn’t seem to get it. Mike has mentioned 100 times that he doesn’t like the skits. He must have told James about it. James just can’t be reasoned with. He insists on these bad skits that nobody likes.

• “I’m ten minutes in and it is awful. I wish Kieran were back. And my fucking god another something becomes possessed and attacks the Nerd. Can’t he fucking think of ANYTHING else?”

Oh yeah. I think something did come alive. The AI, I guess. I wasn’t really following anything.

Oh, somebody, including a moderator there, posted a bunch of homoerotic pictures of Mike Matei for some reason.

A lot of people seem to say that they quit watching after ten minutes. That’s about where I initially stopped too.

• “I would watch it but I just don’t have the time”

Yeah. Comedy.

• “Were his arms always that hairy?”

I’ve commented this before. Yes, I think they were always hairy. But somebody says:

• “My brother started to take pills to combat hair loss and his arms and (and I assume everywhere else) became super hairy. So my bet would be that Bimmy is on the same stuff.”

I never heard that these pills lead to hirsutism. It makes sense, I guess, assuming that these pills actually work. Which I don’t think that they do.

I’m starting to see positive comments so we must be near the end. All the stuff that got downvoted. Yeah.

• “I was enjoying this episode until he started with the AI skit”

It doesn’t make any fucking sense. None. Zero. Why can nobody reign this retard in? He’s overpowering them with his retard strength, I guess.

• “Jimmy really picking whatever games for the nes at this point. Blaster Master is a great game”

That was my impression as well.

• “I forgot the episode was about Blaster Master.”

Yeah because it just suddenly stopped being about Blaster Master for reasons that make no fucking sense.

• “He’s never went this far on such an unwanted bit. I’ve never been so sad as I was when I saw the To Be Continued.”

Nobody is digging this skit bullshit.

• “You guys seriously have no life this is pretty pathetic”

Indeed. Indeed, Superbombman-65. It’s all pathetic. Why waste time talking about this complete and utter shit?