Let me start by saying that they blatently ripped off my idea, worse than anything Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen ever did. Back when Rental Reviews was a thing, and James clearly wasn’t into it, I would regularly post on Reddit that they should change the title to Rectal Reviews and talk about stool (James Rolfe’s one true passion). I suggested this regularly. It was well-known. This was my idea.
So those plagiarisng buffoons on TheCinemassacreTruth just took my idea and applied it to…Halloween videos? What’s the connection? The title makes no fucking sense as applied to Halloween videos. These videos aren’t reviewing anything and they’re not about poop.
It’s only this minute that I realised that this is a re-hashed Monster Madness of the Assholish Variety. Why didn’t they stick with that name? Wasn’t that the name for the past two years? I was thinking that this so-called Rectal Reviews was something new, like their attempt to do this AI shit for Christmas, which was aborted due to lack of interest. But no, this is the OG. This is what they started with. It started as a parody of Monster Madness after Newt plagiarised all of that shit and they wanted to show that they could make better videos. But they couldn’t. Everything was just, “5:40! No time! Muh homoerotic bullshit!”
These videos got very few comments relative to previous years. Sometimes as few as four comments. I assume that people aren’t watching this shit. And they couldn’t even get 31 episodes, as they had previously. Only 20. Total lack of interest. Nobody is watching this shit. I didn’t even watch it. I haven’t watched any of these and I’m only going to watch them for this article.
In previous years, GarbageStabber and OJ Simpson would make among the worst of these videos but they’re gone now. Banned from all of Reddit. And they were prolific because they had absolutely no lives and didn’t mind churning out shit. So they’d make multiple videos a year to pad things out. With them out of the picture, they couldn’t reach 31 videos. Only 20.
The irony. These people from Reddit would bitch about James Rolfe no longer having the time to make Monster Madness videos. James Rolfe used to make 31 videos and then, as he got lazier, started making fewer videos. That’s exactly what’s happening with these losers on Reddit. The quantity is going down and I assume that the quality is going down too. If that’s even possible. These were never any good. Most of these videos were just cramming every “meme” into the video that they could think of.
And it all started as a promising idea. We have the AI James Rolfe voice, let’s see if we can make a better Monster Madness than James Rolfe and/or Screenwave can do. They should have played it straight. They should have actually attempted to make good, interesting videos. But instead, we were treated to, “5:40! 5:40! 5:40! Mike Matei’s penis!” The videos only demonstrated that Screenwave is more talented than anyone at TheCinemassacreTruth.
So we’ve got this bullshit. The intro has “5:40” in it. Get it? Like that thing that James said years ago and the autistic lunatics at TheCinemassacreTruth can’t let go? That’s funny, right? If you’re mentally challenged, maybe.
It’s an Indian movie. References to James Rolfe’s family, his hair, 5:40, personal errands, suffering, 500 films, logically thinking things through, Rocky, inability to pronounce “mountain”, the last Blockbuster, no crew, no time, natural fact of life. I’m only halfway through and I’m already sick of this. I don’t want to watch any of these. It’s going to be this every fucking time. It’s just a contest to see who can cram the most “memes” into a video. None of this is even remotely funny.
I can see why it’s popular, mute with subtitles, Intendo, I refuse, full fucking force, homosexual obsession with Bootsy, five of them, nothing but good memories, and then it ends with 5:40.
I didn’t even include every “meme” that was mentioned. He got them all in there. Good job, Gaijillionaire. You win the autism contest. You can repeat something over and over again like a crazy person.
These people could not be imaginative or funny if their lives depended on it. And they have the nerve to criticise Screenwave. Nothing that Screenwave ever did is as bad as this putrid pile of mental defective bullshit. Who finds any of this even remotely funny? This is the THIRD YEAR of these idiotic “5:40” videos.
Well, let’s check out the comments to see exactly who wants to out themselves as a retard.
Top comment is from Gaijillionaire. He just crams a bunch of “memes” in there. That’s funny, right? Repeating the same shit over and over again?
A lot of unrelated, unimaginative, homoerotic, AI-generated pictures of James Rolfe.
And people respond with “memes”.
Great. This is comedy. Just repeating the same fucking bullshit over and over again.
There are 20 of these. This one is a 0/10.
Well, at least this one is only three minutes, instead of the six minutes I had to endure with that first one.
For the first 90 seconds I thought, “Well, this might be alright. He’s talking about Godzilla versus Frankenstein. He’s reviewing the movie. Okay, great. It’s like a real Monster Madness video.”
Nope. Watching videos with the subtitles on.
2:30 – 9/11 reference.
Then it ends with “no time” and “5:40”.
Mmhmm. This is the height of comedy.
The shit that wasn’t stupid “memes” was fine. Why not stick with that? REVIEW THE FUCKING MOVIE. Like a non-autistic person.
5/10
Eight minutes? Come on. Have respect for the audience.
Oh, I forgot to check the comments for the previous video.
Homoerotic pictures of James Rolfe. Oh. Glad I checked. Moving on. We’ve got Popeye, one of my least favourite movies. Eight minutes of this shit. 5:40, am I right?
So it starts with a bunch of “memes”, each as unfunny as the last. Then it’s a “parody” of Popeye. “Parody” in the sense of, “I’m going to stick a lot of 5:40 references in here.”
Done. Two minutes. That’s enough for me. It’s just endless “memes” and done in a horrible fashion even by the rockbottom standards of these videos. Fuck the retard who made this shit.
0/10
Comments are all homoerotic pictures of James Rolfe.
The Incredibles. Five minutes. Too bad it wasn’t 5:40, am I right?
42 seconds for this one. Nothing but “memes”.
0/10
Homoerotic pictures in the comments.
Gee, I wonder why this TheCinemassacreTruth Monster Madness thing seems to have lost so much steam even among the cretins who inhabit that sub-reddit. Could it be because it’s a one-note non-joke?
1:20. Done.
Memes plus annoying “YouTube poop”, together at last.
0/10
This one actually is 5:40 in length. That’s been done before, of course. I bet that THIS one is going to be really fucking funny, though.
Oh, he’s using a screaming version of the James Rolfe voice. He wasn’t sure if this was going to be obnoxious enough.
Well, I managed to get to 2:30. There aren’t any memes, which is great, he’s just reviewing the movie but…why did he use this obnoxious screaming voice? I’m not going to listen to this shit.
3/10.
Oh, I’m neglecting to check the comments.
Huh. No homoerotic pictures of James Rolfe. How disappointing.
Wait…what? It…didn’t suck? IT DIDN’T SUCK!
First of all, less than three minutes. Great.
Then he…get this…he reviewed the movie. Can you believe it? It was interesting, it was clever, and it was funny. No need for “memes”. You can be funny WITHOUT saying “5:40”. There’s a WORLD of stuff out there that’s funny beyond the confines of “5.40”.
9/10
Comments are all trash, as per usual.
1:39. Mindless self-congratulatory ass-licking of TheCinemassacreTruth. Goodbye.
0/10
Memes were used sparingly and didn’t detract too much from the review. The memes were entirely unwanted and unneeded, though. You’re able to fucking review the movie and be witty. Why not focus on that instead of pandering to literal retards on TheCinemassacreTruth?
7/10
Only 13 comments but look at this one:
“Pretty good humor in this one! And the references weren’t too shoehorned in. Great job.”
So it’s not just me. People do not want this fucking “meme” bullshit. That’s why this whole Monster Madness of the Assholish Variety thing took such a dive in popularity. How many times can we listen to the same fucking thing?
I mean, I guess that’s the sub broadly. Every day it’s the same shit. “Remember the behind the scenes video? Remember the time he said 5:40? Remember the podcast?”
Yeah. I remember that stuff. It was YEARS ago. Move on.
It went on too long but it was more or less a review of the movie. Or whatever this is. It’s not that difficult. It can be done.
7/10
Oh. I’m still doing this. I took a break for a few days after 10. It’s just so fucking boring. We get it. Five-forty.
Well, it was mostly a review of the movie. A few “memes” that detracted but otherwise, it was fine. There was an attempt at something witty where they spliced in footage of James in his car attempting to recreate the deathrace but it just ended in a pointless “meme”.
7/10
I’m turning it off at 3:00. I gave it a chance but after five “slobs”, I’m done. It’s not even being properly applied. It’s in reference to people who appear in Doug’s videos who aren’t even overweight.
2/10
Virtually no “memes”. The idea is that it’s James Rolfe in a hospital, in a coma, and Ryan is taking the reviews from James’ using some…brain interface. I don’t know. It uses an annoying robot voice. But I watched it because it was largely meme-free and only three and a half minutes.
This is all that you have to do. And this guy at least did something different. He reviewed the movie and the comedy came from the story that he built around the video. Not from the repetition of stale “memes” from many years ago.
8/10
Eugh. This one is from Schiller and something. I saw that name before. He made another one of these videos and I don’t think it was one of the decent ones.
No. It was Popeye. Number three in the series. It got a 0/10. Can he improve this time? I’m doubtful.
He changed the intro. It’s a “Youtube poop” version. You guys like “Youtube poop”, don’t you?
Well, he reviewed the movie. And it was almost “meme”-free aside from the almost obligatory “5:40”.
5/10.
No. Wait. 5.40/10. Get it? Like that thing that James said five years ago! Or five years, four months ago! I’m on fire over here. FIVE-FORTY, GUYS!
Only four comments, unfortunately. His Popeye video got 44 comments. It’s this sort of behaviour that just reinforces bad material. “We want videos that just keep repeating the same three things!” Don’t listen to those retards. Do something clever.
Not many memes but…not much of a review. I have no idea what the movie is even about. He spent more time talking about ancillary stuff like how the movie used to be difficult to obtain but he has a blu-ray of it and you can stream it. Then this segued into an ad, which was kind of funny, and the only laugh so far from me, from any of these videos, was the promo code of “BALD540”. I know it’s a “meme”, and the least funny one of them all but it’s not the “5:40” that’s funny, it’s the surprising nature of the joke and the idea that James, a man who’s self-conscious about his hair, would use such a promo code.
6/10
Fifteen minutes. Come on. When is somebody going to make a feature-length film video full of “5:40” “comedy”?
Okay, I made it to 11:15, which is more than any other video even was in total. There aren’t any “memes”, which is great, but it’s just summarizing the movie. This is the Tony from Hack the Movies school of “reviews”.
There was one bit that I laughed at where he said something like, “He cheats to win like Newt.”
You can make references to things that happened in the Cinemassacre world but they should be somewhat novel and cleverly done. Not just regurgitate the same fucking boring shit verbatim. There’s plenty of material out there. There’s no need to rehash the same phrases over and over again. But these people are deeply autistic and this is their idea of “comedy”.
So Calvera, a moderator and long-time user of the sub-reddit responds, saying, “Haven’t watched the video yet but just had to say this is AWESOME!”
Didn’t watch the video. No time, am I right? But he’s sure that it’s awesome.
It’s too fucking long. That’s the problem. This guy should do parodies of Tony from Hack the Movies. Do a 90 minute “review” that’s just summarizing the movie scene by scene. Have the Horseface AI chime in only to mention every hot chick who appears in the movie.
Or here’s an idea: you can recreate classic Hack the Movies back when Newt was still on the show. Have Horseface there as well and the drunken Newt constantly coming on to her while Tony tries to keep the show on track and the summary continuing.
There’s loads that you can do if you’re creative and have the time.
8/10
Only five comments. That’s a good sign. Maybe there aren’t any “memes”.
It’s fine. I made it halfway through. I’m not watching ten minutes of some weeaboo talking about a shitty Japanese movie that he likes, though. Few “memes”.
5/10
I don’t even know if this is a real movie or what this is but it’s stupid and I don’t like it. No memes, though so…it gets some points.
2/10
I made it to the 3:00 mark. I’m sure it’s fine but I don’t give a fuck about horror movies. No “memes”.
6/10
Big finale. Drive.
I don’t know. It’s a review…I guess…then the last 10 minutes is a musical montage. I just had this shit on as background noise by this time so I don’t know what was happening. I tuned in once in a while and it seemed to be nothing.
1/10
And that’s it. Mostly shit. I note that moderator Great Bowser didn’t contribute any videos this year. In previous years, his were among the better ones.
There was no real shit this year, though. Well, the first one was clearly the worst, which was just a “meme”-fest. But I’m thinking like there was one last year that was…I don’t even know. Just “random” shit. People left comments trying to be supportive like, “I appreciate the attempt at something different” but they clearly weren’t digging that idiotic bullshit.
This is surely the last Monster Madness of the Assholish Variety or whatever they want to call it. Maybe there’s another name of mine that they can rip off. Next year, they can call it “GamerGrrls”. It would make as much sense as Rectal Reviews.
It’s a good idea utterly ruined by the autistic execution. There’s loads that can be done. You can make a funny Monster Madness video. The only limit is your imagination. So what do we get from these cretins? “5:40, guys! Remember when he said that?”
I remember. I definitely remember. You remind us every fucking day. Who cares? It’s not funny. It’s stupid. You’re stupid.
You could make an AI Erin Plays video. Record really poor gameplay footage and have the AI Erin voice make banal comments about colours and Britney Spears and whatnot. Fun can be had. You can do something interesting with it. Maybe Erin starts regaling us with her fabricated fondness for Alf.
I was shocked to see that Benji Gregory died recently. He played Brian Tanner. He overheated in a car. What the fuck could have happened? Wikipedia says that he was bipolar and had sleep disorders. But falling asleep in a car and dying of heat exhaustion?
Did Paul Fusco put a statement out? Not that I’m seeing. It’s an uncaring world.
Maybe things are better on Melmac. I mean, how did he overheat? It was Arizona. I know that it gets hot but that’s precisely why you have airconditioning in your car. Or at least open the fucking windows. He had his dog in there so maybe you can’t open them all the way but open it a crack and turn on the airconditioning. Did the airconditioning not work? How could you have a car in Arizona where the airconditioning doesn’t work?
Why was he even sitting in the parking lot? Maybe he wanted to take a nap. It was hot, you get tired. I could see it happening, I guess. But then why do you never hear about it? I’ve never heard of anybody dying of heat exhaustion in their cars. Only dogs.
Let me look this up.
Like 30 people a year die of heat exhaustion in their cars every year in the US. You’re 10 times more likely to die from a lightning stike.
It’s sad. Well, Benji Gregory, we hardly knew ye. I guess that he’s with Max Wright now, smoking crack with homeless black dudes in the afterlife.
These guys are so far up their own asses with their deep subreddit lore and their shitty references. It is only funny to them and everybody in that sub is a terribly unfunny person cosplaying as a comedian. The sub looks to be shitting the bed as well, as the lack of people watching and commenting on Rectal Reviews plainly shows. Even people that enjoyed being there have become bored.
I can’t believe you sat through all of these, I barely got through the first five and then I went to do something fun.
They have to be mentally challenged. I’ve been browsing the sub once in a while, for my own “enjoyment”, and it’s the same stale old shit every fucking time. How many times can you talk about The Dragon in My Dreams video, for example? Okay, you didn’t much care for it. Fine. He made the thing like ten years ago. How is this supposed to lead to any discussion? Move on.
Helloooo I made the National Lampoon and Nostalgia Critic Christmas with the Kranks videos. That one actually has a proper review and has less “memes” than most of them but ig you’re too bias to give things a proper look.
We have been talking about changing things up for next year though. I think people just found the concept stale, yk it’s hard to keep things fresh sometimes after the 4th run of review marathons. It really doesn’t matter at the end of the day, just thought I’d give a bit of perspective.
Hello. I appreciate the comments. I’ve now watched both of your videos in their entirety and can confirm that they’re almost entirely “memes”.
I’m biased against crap. This was crap. I’m sorry. I’m sure that it took time but you’re not James Rolfe, are you? You’re not suggesting that time spent on a project equals quality, presumably. You can spend a lot of time on something and it’s still a steaming pile of excrement.
You can make funny videos that don’t rely on these ancient “memes” that were never funny to begin with. This was my problem with this shit Monster Madness of the Assholish Variety from the beginning. Even before it started, I knew that this is what it was going to be and I was 100% right. And I’ve said repeatedly, “Make straight reviews.” Had people listened, we could have had actually enjoyable videos by now.
But no. Let’s just say “5:40” a dozen times per video. That will never get old.
*the National lampoon one has a proper review, though the latter at least has analysis in some form
Nice! You’re back! Hope all is well man. I look forward to reading your work again! Cool surprise.
I appreciate the well wishes.