So we were graced with another 31 shitty, low-effort reviews of horror films this year thanks to Cinemassacre’s Monster Madness. This year, it was Newt Wallen who wrote these. I guess. At least some of them. Like 20 of them according to Newt. But which 20? We don’t know because Jimmy Rolfe doesn’t give people credit for their work.
28 Days Later – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/01—28-Days-Later:2
This is version 2.0. I reviewed the original, plagiarised version here:
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/10/reddits-homosexual-campaign-to-get-newt.html
Weird vaguely xenophobic remarks. Hammer horror films.
2:00 – Weird comment about how there’s male nudity in this movie. Why would Jimmy mention this? Which homosexual intern wrote this one?
There was no mention of coronavirus or 9/11 in this review, which is unlike the original review. I didn’t understand the 9/11 reference until I found out that this was plagiarised from an article from like 15 years ago. So it’s good that that bizarre reference was removed from this.
The Host – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/02-MM-TheHost:2
0:30 – He says “HOME-i-side” for “homicide”. Weird pronunciation. But, oddly, he says “genre” normally in the episode, instead of his usual “JOHN-ra”.
It’s a monster movie. Next.
Mark of the Devil – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/03–MarkofTheDevil:1
It’s just degenerate torture porn from Germany. I’ll plagiarise a comment that I thought raised an interesting point:
– “Unfortunately” when the Nazis took over?. Lol, the National Socialist years were the best Germany’s ever had, especially compared to the degenerate Weimar Republic. The reason why Horror movies weren’t made during the National Socialist era, was because the Government did not want to degrade society with low brow horror flicks filled with blood and violence.
I’m not advocating fascism but it’s true that horror films are a symptom of a diseased society. This shit has no artistic value. Not that stuff that Jimmy seems to enjoy, anyway. Jimmy seems to enjoy talking about the best kills in films, the goriest stuff, et cetera. Who wants this? Sick fucks. It’s not only a symptom of a diseased society, it perpetuates the illness. So I have no issue with shit like this getting banned.
I remember reading an article about “degenerate art” that the Nazis banned. I heard about this as a kid during history classes but they never actually showed the art.
So this article that I saw showed the art. It was art that was banned but now being displayed in German art galleries. The comment section was FULL of people saying, “Maybe Hitler had a point on this one.” And this was on a liberal newspaper’s website.
The art was complete shit.
Who’s making this shit art? Who’s making these shit horror films? I think that we all know the answer to this. Hitler certainly knew the answer.
The Lift – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/04—MM-The-Lift:0
Disgusting Dutch movie about a killer elevator. Jimmy really liked it. Showed a lot of the vile kills. Then he ends by calling the director or somebody “Dick Mass”. His name is Dick Maas and he knows the correct pronunciation, because he uses it earlier, but this is just some autistic word play for old Jimmy.
Mahakaal – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/05-MM-Mahakaal:3
It’s some piece of shit from India.
1:45 – “When I say it (the movie) doesn’t give a fuck, I mean it also doesn’t care about what it rips off. Tell me if this plot sounds familiar…”
Oh, the irony.
He makes numerous similar references throughout this. The movie is a rip off of Nightmare on Elm Street, by the way.
The Ship of Monsters – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/06-The-Ship-of-Monsters:7
2:15 – It’s a movie from 1960 about weird looking aliens impregnating hot Mexican chicks from Venus. And Jimmy REALLY spends a lot of time talking about the mechanics of how this would go down. Maybe jerk off and then do the review. Or tell Newt to jerk off and then do the review.
Troll Hunter – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/07-Troll-Hunter:a
1:30 – Jimmy goes on an extended rant about why physical monsters are better than CGI monsters. And just generally the inferiority of CGI to real footage. He’s made comments like this often and yet everything he does is full of shit CGI. If he knows that it’s bad, why does he keep doing it?
Eyes Without a Face – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/08-Eyes-Without-A-Face:7
0:15 – Jimmy pronounces Hunchback of Notre Dame like he’s talking about the American college. What a doofus. This is the guy telling us about international cinema.
But I’m reminded of telling my girlfriend some story about the college and she stopped to “correct” my pronunciation. Like I spent seven and a half years in special education. No. I know how the French cathedral is pronounced but I also know how the American college is pronounced.
Oh yeah. I remember why I had to turn this one off. This happened to be one that I watched just at random. It’s fucking disgusting. So Jimmy shows all of the goriest scenes because he’s mentally deficient. I’m not wasting my time on that shit any more. I made it to 1:30. Maybe Jimmy said something really profound in the next three minutes but I’m going to risk it by moving on.
Pulgasari – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/9-Pulgasari:5
I’ll just plagiarise the review I did for Reddit.
The message is all over the place. James keeps talking about how dark and depressing the real life background to this movie is and yet uses numerous clips of Kim Jong-Il as a puppet.
He actually advises not watching the film because of the “kidnapping and murder” involved in the making of the movie, although I don’t know of any murder that happened. Then shortly after that, he says, “I hope you enjoyed today’s film despite the dark backstory and if not, Pulga-sorry”.
He’s expressing faux outrage throughout the review but it’s all interspliced with clips from Team America: World Police (some of which are racist, by the way), clips from the 1990s children’s puppet show Dinosaurs, and then he ends with some stupid word play.
Which is it? Is this a serious issue and we should all be crying for the people of North Korea while watching this movie or is it all some big stupid joke?
Grabbers – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/10-Grabbers:b
It starts off the same way that the 28 Days Later review did: by trading on stupid stereotypes. He’s not denigrating the people of the UK or Ireland. He’s just exposing his own gross ignorance of life outside of the US.
Also, Michael Flatley is an American.
0:15 – “If it wasn’t for Ireland, Monster Madness would probably not even be a thing.”
Let’s not blame Ireland for this shit. But he suggests that Halloween stared in Ireland.
2:00 – Woeful shout out to the Cinemassacre podcast. This isn’t going to age well. That podcast will not make it to the end of the year.
Anyway, the movie is a rip off of Tremors. Who cares?
Oh, OSWReview left a long message. Remember those assholes? They reviewed WWF shows from the 1980s. It was sort of like a primitive podcast. But then they ran out of 1980s shit so just started reviewing anything. Cartoons and whatnot. I tuned out.
Getting banned also didn’t help. They did this thing where they gave annual awards TO THEMSELVES. So I called them out on this and got banned.
Their shit was insufferable. Everything has to be about how they’re Irish. We know that you’re Irish. You don’t have to remind us every ten seconds with your Irish slang and your Irish food and your Irish popular culture. Just tell us about the time that Adrian Adonis beat Uncle Elmer at WrestleMania.
Seytan – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/11-Seytan-Turkish-Exorcist:7
It’s a rip off of The Exorcist. Again, there are numerous references to how shamelessly they ripped off somebody else’s material. Considering all that we know not just about Newt allegedly plagiarising for that 28 Days Later video, but James taking credit for other people’s work from the very start, it comes off as disingenuous.
Fangs – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/12-Fangs-Egyptian-Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show:d
It’s a rip off of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and once again, there are multiple ironic comments by James (who’s reading a script that somebody else wrote).
2:45 – “Check this out” then there’s a picture of a man taking a shower, “Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.”
Whoever wrote this is obviously trying to make James look like a homosexual. I’m all for it. It’s hilarious.
Road Games – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/13-Road-Games:2
Nothing to say. This was boring. Maybe James actually wrote this one.
Ghost Killers vs Bloody Mary – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/14-Ghost-Killers-Vs-Bloody-Mary:1
But first, a one minute tribute to some guy who I don’t know who may or may not be from Brazil. I wasn’t really paying attention.
1:00 – Autistic word play from Jimmy. “Like how can you kill a ghost? And bloody Mary? Like the cocktail?”
2:30 – The movie involves having to flush a toilet to combat a ghost and Jimmy “Scatman” Rolfe finds this hilarious. He’s fucking disgusting.
He ends with, “If you want some lowbrow humour with a tonne of blood, this is for you.” And this is clearly the movie that he enjoyed the most. So…that’s what Mr Seven and a Half Years in Special Education enjoys.
Vampire Hunter D – https://odysee.com/@Cinemassacre:b/15-Vampire-Hunter-D:7
It’s an anime. He just goes through the plot. That’s what he’s done for a lot of these. It’s the Tony from Hack the Movies school of movie reviews.
At the end, Jimmy says that he’d like to watch more anime but just doesn’t have the time.
I know the feeling. I was going to do this as one long article, but I’m bored rigid with this shit aka I’ve run out of time. So I’ll do the rest of them in a part 2.
I wonder what Bimmy does all day considering he doesn't have “time” to do fucking anything.