https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zij97_q_Z0A
0:00 – Some dumb back story. Tony says that people leave “creepy” comments stating that Tony should start dating Johanna “even though we were only together for six months in 2008”.
That’s a weird justification. What about saying that you’re not interested and everyone has moved on? Maybe that’s what he’s suggesting.
4:00 – Tony says that there’s a lesbian character in the movie and Crystal says, “Thank god”. Because presumably the character is hot and Crystal wants to have sex with her.
By the way, I’m only watching this because I skimmed a bit and Crystal is ANNOYING AS FUCK. So maybe I’ll get some good “content” out of this.
4:45 – Tony says that Trisha (the Italian woman) was in a previous episode. Briefly. Horseface McGee says, “Now I have to watch that because I know she’s in that sexy outfit.”
Crystal wants to have sex with Trisha because she’s a hot chick.
5:45 – I’m noticing Tony’s hairy arms and a can of Barbasol on the counter. Maybe he can make use of this product. He can shave James “Ape Arms” Rolfe too.
What do you suppose the hirsute ranking is of Screenwave/Cinemassacre? I’m thinking Tony is number one, then James, then…Justin, I guess. Then Kieran is last. I’m just assuming that Jews are hairier than people of Irish ancestry.
9:00 – Crystal says that she applauded at one point during this movie and then she recreated this event with an obnoxious cheer. She saw this in the cinema. With other people. I’d be asking for a refund about two minutes after that. They’d probably just give you vouchers to see a free movie but that’s still something.
Then they start talking about Jess, the REALLY butch lesbian editor/intern. She’s probably the manliest person at Screenwave right now.
So apparently they saw this movie with her and she puts some obnoxious notes on screen. It’s fucking brutal.
Then Crystal gives an obnoxious recreation of the experience of going to the cinema with “Jess”. Apparently, Jess will constantly emote during the movie. Loudly. Crystal finds this endearing, presumably because she wants to have sex with Jess. Jess isn’t even a hot chick but Crystal seems to have absolutely no standards. She’s just super horny all of the time and wants to have sex with everyone. And everyone wants to have sex with her. Just look at her. She’s super hot, guys (and gals). She’s a professional model for fuck’s sake.
9:45 – Tony says that they could have spread out more because the cinema was empty. Crystal says, “I like being close to Jess. This is okay and she’s fun.”
Again, Crystal just can’t keep commenting on how much she wants to sex with the super hot and super butch Jess. We get it, Crystal. Can you stop this now? It’s gross.
10:30 – Crystal talks about how we should be able to “make fun of everyone” and she gives Southpark as an example of this.
This is somebody who previously “worked in comedy” and she went on an extended rant about a comedian making “homophobic” jokes. Let me see if I can find this.
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/07/josie-and-pussycats-is-great-satire.html
I talk about it there. Crystal says that a comedian who she allegedly worked with or saw or something was “preachy and super homophobic”.
So we should make fun of people of people from being a different race, nationality, religion, or political ideology than ourselves but not sexual preference. I see.
13:30 – Crystal makes an incomprehensible and off-topic comment. I’ll try to decipher it. “Sorry my own tower head (???) just went to Ghosts in the Genie Bikini (???) and I was like, ‘Maybe Johanna and me will have, like, ghost porn or something.”
What? What does any of this mean? Something about hot chicks who she wants to have sex with, presumably but…what is any of this? What does it have to do with what Tony was talking about? What is she even saying? I couldn’t even make out the words.
Tony ignores this, presumably because he had no idea what she was saying either.
Okay, I’m going to take a break at this point. I’m at 15 minutes. I need to get something to eat. Build my energy up for this fucking snoozefest bullshit. They haven’t even started talking about the movie yet.
You know, here would be a great way to trim the runtime down. We don’t need 90 minute “reviews”. This entire first 15 minutes could safely be removed. It’s dogshit. Nothing happened. It was just Crystal talking about various women, none of whom are hot, who she wants to have sex with. Who gives a shit? Go fuck yourself, Rocky Dennis.
Okay, I’m back.
16:30 – Tony is talking about some actress, I don’t know who, I can’t understand anything that anyone is saying. So Crystal, “That was amazing. I love her so much. I want to be (something) with her.”
What did she say? “Best friends”? Take some elocution lessons, Horseface. You’re a fucking professional actress and model, right? Star of Swamp Zombies 2. The audience has to be able to understand what the fuck you’re saying.
I got the gist of it, though. Crystal thinks that this actress is hot and she wants to have sex with her.
17:15 – We finally start talking about the movie. So all of this could and should have been cut out.
What were they actually setting up? What did we learn from the first 17 minutes and 15 seconds? That Horseface McGee wants to have sex with various hot and “hot” women? We already knew that. That’s the only thing that she ever says. In every episode of this piece of shit.
21:45 – “Her and Tara are both stunning. Absolutely stunning.”
This is Horseface McGee talking about two actresses in the film who she wants to have sex with. At the same time or at different times, she doesn’t care.
You know, I was thinking about this over the lunch period that I had a few minutes ago. I think that Horseface McGee says that all of these women are attractive and she wants to have sex with them as a way to reap compliments in return. If she says that every woman is hot, surely some of these women are going to say, “Oh, you’re hot too” or the like. Even if they don’t mean it. Just to be polite. Just to return the favour.
So this is all about her. She just needs that constant attention and validation so she compliments every woman who she sees, hoping that they’ll do the same.
22:30 – Tony says that one of the actresses looks like some other actress and Crystal gets excited, makes an obnoxious face, and says, “Ooooh. I can go for that.”
Another actress who Crystal thinks is hot and she wants to have sex with.
24:15 – Ms McGee says that she was getting popcorn during a scene where some hot chick was introduced because, “I got really hungry because I might have been smoking a little bit in the parking lot.”
She’s talking about marijuana, presumably. What’s the legal status of marijuana in Pennsylvania? I don’t know. It varies by municipality. Well, whatever.
Then Horseface says that she really missed seeing this woman. You know…because this actress is hot and Crystal wants to have sex with her.
Okay, I made it to 30 minutes. I was counting down every fucking second. I’m done. No review should be more than 30 minutes. This is unwatchable. Even 30 minutes was really, really, really, super difficult. It’s just fucking 30 minutes of Horseface McGee saying that she wants to have sex with every actress, as they’re introducing them.
Tony will say, “So then this character arrives” and Crystal will interrupt him to talk about how how hot this woman is and that she wants to have sex with her. It’s this for 90 minutes. Fuck off. I’m not watching this.
Crystal is absolutely horrnedous. It’s unwatchable trash. Get rid of her. She’s human garbage. She doesn’t have a single interesting thing to say about anything.
And if you think that I’m jerking off to this horseface woman, allow me disabuse you of that notion. Not a single stroke.
– “I really only want to watch reviews Crystal is on”
– “Yay Crystal is back. She is so pretty”
– “I love all the Hack the movies ladies but Crystal is still my favourite! Johanna is a close second though! Shouldn’t we call the female co-hosts Hack Queens ? ( a portmanteau of Hack the Movies and Scream Queens)”
– “good episode. glad I will probably enjoy this movie when I see it. I also appreciate Crystal’s matching jacket and earrings”
– “Talking bout milkin cows with Joanna&Tony”
I don’t know what that last one means but I assume it’s sexual.
– “I’m very happy to see Crystal”
– “I’m a simple man. I see Tony and Crystal I click.. Also Crystal is very pretty”
– “Love to see crystal in this review”
– “Crystal so fine”. Horseface replies with “thanks”. Horntard replies with “gorgeous.”
– “I’ve been having Crystal withdrawal thank you thank you”
This is why this obnoxious, brainless woman is going to continue to appear on the show: to appease horny, mentally-challenged men.
Yeah you should start taking a tally of every time she says “oooo I love her!” to like every actress in a film. I've noticed she does this constantly with a lot of melodrama behind it every time.There's this channel called Gallifrey Gals. They watch and react to stuff like Star Trek and Doctor Who. They basically have a Crystal as one of the hosts. One of them, Katrina, is bisexual. She's so bisexual that she makes it so publicly obvious considering her inability to not fap over or say she “loves” only actresses in the shows they watch. She recently cut her hair into this really ugly lesbo short cut and all her simps told her she looked great even though it looks terrible compared to when she had long hair. She also doesn't shave her pits and wears sleeveless shirts on camera all the time so you can see her nasty hairy armpits. She also mainly only cries when female characters die. She's utterly obsessed with River Song for example, which is someone admitting they are either a cringelord feminist or want to have sex with the actress. There's never an in between. Katrina is in fact both of these things scarily enough.So I don't know, I just really get reminded whenever I see one of these chicks or the other how they both do the same thing and they're both bisexual.You should look up that channel and actually consider it another source of content. Katrina alone (black haired one) is an endless source of cringe. Paula (the other one) isn't nearly as bad and can compose herself a lot better, but she gives her cringelord co-host a lot of time to rant and always agrees with her. Regardless of all this however, these women are scholars compared to Horseface. She is leagues less intelligent or capable of analyzing films/tv)
Well…that's a bad channel alright but it might beyond my threshold for crap. A loud, vulgar lesbian yelling over a hillbilly who keeps saying “ya'll”. I watched about 90 seconds in total, covering a few different videos and had to stop.