Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB2ATBS9hPM

This is from a new series that horny John Riggs is doing where he talks about what games YOU played in a particular year on a particular system.  Even if YOU personally didn’t play these games.  As, indeed, you probably didn’t.  Who played every game that was released for a particular console for a particular year?  Maybe you didn’t play any of them.  Why is John Riggs being so ridiculously presumptuous?

0:00 – “1989, I remember it well.  It showed it was cool for even the common man to like comic book movies in Batman being number one at the box office.”

What?  As opposed to comic book movies only being enjoyed by the landed gentry?  What are you talking about?  Comic book movies have always been lowbrow fodder for the masses.  

“Your favourite cartoons were replaced by those dumb Ollie North trials.”

First of all, don’t assume that the viewer was a child in 1989.  Or indeed alive.  None of this makes sense.

I happened to be alive and a child but I don’t remember any cartoons being interrupted by the Oliver North trials.  I do remember the scandal but I never figured out what it was about and I still don’t know.

“Lunchables made their debut and I still love these.”

They still make them?  They were disgusting.  I ate the cheese and crackers but could never even attempt those disgusting, slimy, thick slicks of bologna or whatever.  I never ate bologna in my life, why would I start with this disgusting shit?  Why didn’t they have more palatable luncheon meats?  It was bologna and ham, as far as I recall, and always in these thick, greasy slices with a hard skin around them.  It’s fucking gross.  

They’re also unhealthy and popular with lazy parents.  Too lazy to make a fucking sandwich?  It takes 45 seconds.

0:15 – “Imagine a time where Nintendo was your everything.  It was your number one passion project, it was your number one hobby, the number one thing you loved to do was run home and play Nintendo.”

This doesn’t resonate with me at all.  I had a Game Boy and I played it but…I wasn’t some giant nerd obsessed with it.  I don’t think that anybody was.  Nobody who I knew, anyway.  

0:30 – “I loved my Game Boy so much” and there are animated hearts.

It would seem so.  It’s gross and unhealthy.

1:00 – Tetris.  Yeah, I had Tetris and I played it and I enjoyed it but I didn’t run home from school every day and have intercourse with my Game Boy.  What the fuck?  What’s wrong with him?  

2:30 – Super Mario Land.  

3:15 – “This game still feels different overall than like a Mario Bros or a Mario 2.”

Yeah.  Because it was a different design team who made it.  Doesn’t he know the story behind this?  Just do a quick DuckDuckGo search.

https://superjumpmagazine.com/super-mario-land-is-the-franchises-subversive-outcast-85d2f0f5142

“If you have a child with autism, like I do, you might be familiar with the story of Holland.  You can look it up online but to summarise, it’s a poem about Holland, you’re planning a vacation to Italy, fast-action, fast-paced, you’re going to have a whole lot of fun, and when you land, you’re in Holland.  It wasn’t what you asked for?”

What?  Is this about his autistic son?  Did I got too far with that half-joke?  I’m not sure.

But let me look this up.  His explanation made no fucking sense.

https://www.stepsautismtreehouse.org.au/blogs/2019/6/2/welcome-to-holland-an-inspirational-poem

Oh my god.  My cruel comment was accurate.  It WAS about his son.  This is a “poem” which doesn’t rhyme or have any particular cadence.  And it’s about finding out that your child is autistic.  You didn’t an autistic child but you just roll with it and try to make the best of a bad situation.

This is the worst thing I’ve ever read.  This is supposed to be inspirational?  It’s horrible.  

His son apparently bangs his head to the point where he knocks his teeth out and he makes a mess everywhere he goes.  For example, John Riggs said that he can’t have a shelf of games because he son would pull all of the games out.  I believe that his son is non-verbal or has very limited verbal abilities.

I worked with kids like this.  It’s horrendous.  They require monitoring all day, every day.  For their entire lives.  

If I had a child like this, I would send them to a home.  Maybe not the nightmare place that I worked at but no way could I deal with that.  Nobody can realistically do it.  

Anyway, Holland.  I went there once with my girlfriend.  I suggested going to a coffee bar and getting some marijuana but she wasn’t interested.  So instead we went to a petting zoo and a cat art gallery and a purse museum and shit like this.  Whatever.  It was still nice to go.

And she puts mayonnaise on her fries so it’s not just a Dutch thing.  I think it’s popular throughout Europe.  I’ve never tried it.  Maybe I’m missing out.

4:30 – Alleyway.  A Breakout clone.  Or as Erin calls it, a Breakaway clone.

I don’t think that I’ve even seen this game.

Turoid is the best such game that I’ve played.  I played a shareware version for many years and then I downloaded a pirate version from some abandonware site years ago.  It’s great.  It has a level designer and everything.  I liked to re-create the actual levels so that I could play them whenever I wanted.  So if you wanted to play level 10, for example, you didn’t have to go play levels 1 through 9 first.

5:30 – Castlevania Adventure.  Or whatever it’s called.  I rented this.  He mentions that it’s slow but that he doesn’t mind it.  That was my impression when I played the game as well.

7:15 – Baseball.  I never saw this game.

Remember The Bad News Bears Go to Japan?  What a racist piece of crap that was.  Not just the anti-Japanese stuff but the jive-talking black kid is offensive too.  Some nice scenes of 1970s Japan, though.  And Antonio Inoki has a cameo.

8:00 – Tennis.  I never saw this game either.  

Remember tennis?  Me too.