0:15 – “Happy Holidays.”
Which holiday, Jimmy?
I hated this shit when I lived in the US. And it’s normal there. This is what people say. It became a big thing certainly by the start of the 1990s. Jews, allegedly, would get outraged over “Merry Christmas”. But here’s one Jewish conspiracy theory that I don’t buy. I don’t think that Jews gave a shit about “Merry Christmas”.
So why did “Happy Holidays” become so ubiquitous in the US? It’s all just part of the general liberal agenda. But to what end? Who’s profiting off of “Happy Holidays”? Why would somebody want to perpetuate this ridiculous phrase?
Of course, right-wing Jesus nuts get outraged over “Happy Holidays”. So maybe this is just another thing to divide the people. But are there enough right-wing Jesus nuts for this to even have any effect? I suppose in the 1990s there were more right wing Jesus nuts than there are today.
So maybe this was all part of a plan to erode Christianity in the US. There’s probably a parallel in the rise of the use of “Happy Holidays” and the decline of Americans who identify as Christians. But how much effect could it have had? I don’t know.
What I do know is that NOBODY outside of the US says “Happy Holidays”. So that just strengthens my resolve that this is the dumbest fucking phrase of all time. And only complete morons use it. Don’t you realise that you’re being taken for a fool? Maybe that’s what “Happy Holidays” is. It’s a test by our overlords to determine who the dimwits are. And with that introduction, I present James “Seven and Half Years in Special Education” Rolfe.
“It’s the season of giving.”
Which season? He’s clearly talking about Christmas, right? He’s wearing a Santa hat. His greenscreen has a still frame from a movie where there’s a Christmas tree. He’s wearing a t-shirt of Snoopy sleeping on top of a Christmas tree. This is CHRISTMAS, right? CHRISTMAS is the season of giving. Not Hanukkah, right? Not Ramadan? Not Kwanza?
Oh, that’s another thing. “Happy Holidays” coincided with the rise of popularity of Kwanza. Remember Kwanza? It was a fad in the 1990s. Fucking nobody celebrates that shit today.
“But haven’t you already given enough of your unencrypted data away?”
This is just offensive. He’s using the birth of our Lord and Saviour to sell shit. I know that this is what happens but this seems particularly egregious. There’s no subtlety here. Just “here’s a stupid commercial for a service that nobody needs.”
1:00 – “As the holiday season approaches, I like to watch the classics like…”
WHICH HOLIDAY? He’s going to mention Christmas movies, right? Not Hanukkah movies. Not Ramadan movies. Not Kwanzaa movies. Not Zartosht No-Diso movies.
Yeah. Home Alone, The Grinch, Christmas Vacation. Or as it’s called now, Holiday Vacation.
What are some good Zartosht No-Diso movies anyway? I’m not seeing any. Oh, wait. Maybe this one.
Wow. A bunch of shirtless Persian guys kicking the shit out of Alexander the Great. This really puts me in this holiday spirit.
Back to Jimmy.
2:00 – So we’re finally at the video, that was a two minute advertisement, and Jimmy gives a shoutout to the Santa hat that he’s wearing to cover up his baldness. Like we’re fucking idiots. Oh, no. James isn’t bald. He’s always wearing a hat. That’s how we know he has a full head of hair. Bald men never wear hats.
2:45 – Jimmy shows off his childhood Garfield book collection.
Garfield was shit. It was never funny. Not once. It was made by a committee of interns. But I can see an idiot like James Rolfe enjoying such a thing.
I was a more highbrow comic strip enthusiast. I had a collection of Calvin and Hobbes books. I enjoyed the likes of Mutts and Fox Trot and Sherman’s Lagoon and Get Fuzzy and The Far Side.
Wow. Get Fuzzy is no longer being produced? Not since 2013? Who knew?
5:15 – Terrible acting, Jimmy.
Maybe James should take an acting class. The Philadelphia Acting Studio has good reviews on Google. People really seem to like this Bernard guy who teaches the class.
It’s $500/month. What the fuck? And I think it’s all by Skype. And all you get is access to their video library of 100 classes and “Weekly live coaching.” So once a week, Bernard (or some intern) will talk to you for a few minutes. Over Skype. FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS A MONTH.
Or you can have twelve classes, which are…maybe in person but I’m not sure, for $1,000. Actually, there’s no address for this “school” so it’s probably done by Skype too. And probably a group thing.
Anyway, Jimmy has the money. And maybe it will help.
5:45 – Now he’s finally talking about the game. Or games. He’s starting with an Atari 2600 Garfield game.
6:00 – More atrocious acting as Jimmy starts rattling off random holidays. It’s sort of a reference to “Happy Holidays” but none of these holidays he’s mentioning take place in December. He’s just giving ridiculous holidays like Arbor Day. Why doesn’t he mention actual holidays that take place in December? Because that’s what “Happy Holidays” is supposed to be referencing? Couldn’t he just say, “Happy Hanukah”?
No because he doesn’t want to be accused of being an anti-Semite. Somehow, saying “Happy Hanukah” would be offensive to somebody so he doesn’t say it. But he had no problem saying, “Merry Fucking Christmas” which is obviously offensive.
7:00 – Now Kieran is reviewing some NES Garfield game.
9:00 – “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
Well, you can start by shaving your arms.
What about having Manscape as a sponsor? And then Jimmy shaves his arms with the product and he’s all metrosexual. Then he shaves his head with it. Just get rid of all hair. I want to see a fully shaved James Rolfe.
11:15 – “I happened to notice that if you scramble the words ‘Garfield Odie’ you can get ‘Fragile Die'”.
Where’s the comedy in any of this? This is just Kieran doing some of that “random” humour.
12:00 – Beatles reference. Who could have possibly written this? Is Kieran a Beatles fan? I guess that he must be. Who else could have written this shit?
12:45 – More terrible acting. You know, maybe Bernard can help with this.
15:15 – Garfield: Caught in the Act for the Sega Genesis. Is he going to make a joke about getting caught masturbating? I’ll say…yes.
I WAS RIGHT! “Caught in the act doing what?” Nice job, Kieran. Not at all predictable. And your “joke” didn’t even go anywhere.
16:00 – He refers to the game as, “Chocolate-covered diarrhoea”. Yet more scat fetish nonsense from this retard.
19:00 – “If you scramble the name ‘Jim Davis’ you get ‘Diva Jism'”.
It’s still not funny, Kieran. It doesn’t help that you have this fucking zombie reading your shit. But it’s still shit. Not even Bernard Glincosky could save that.
19:15 – Now Kieran is playing a Game Boy Garfield game.
23:15 – Somebody in a Bugs Bunny costume does some stuff. A really annoying sound plays for a long time.
25:00 – Then the video ends with Jimmy saying…”Happy Holidays”…to Bugs Bunny. I don’t know what holiday Bugs Bunny celebrates. But it’s just all of them. I guess.
You know what might have helped? Asking Bugs Bunny what holiday in December, if any, he celebrates. Then he’ll say “Kwanzaa” or whatever and Jimmy could have said, “Oh great. Happy Kwanzaa, Bugs Bunny.”
What’s wrong with that? That’s sensitivity. That’s actually taking an interest in people’s lives and showing proper respect for their religion and/or culture.
“Happy Holidays” is bullshit. You might as well say, “Happy whatever the fuck it is that you celebrate, but really I’m talking about Christmas.” It’s totally disingenuous.
Then we get to the credits. “Written, Directed by & Starring James Rolfe.” Uh huh. Sure it was, Jimmy.
Edited by Kieran Fallon. Why does he put with this? Kieran and whatever interns make these videos should contact SAG and see what they recommend doing. Because this is total bullshit. People are not getting properly credited for their work.
James didn’t write fucking shit. We know this. He presumably didn’t direct this either, whatever that would even entail.
So the actual people who are doing the actual work need to be properly credited and paid accordingly.
Then there’s a “special thanks” section which is just like Jim Davis and Lasagna Cat and whatever. Shit that was referenced in the video.
But no credit is given to the person who played Bugs Bunny. We’re presumably supposed to think that it’s Mike but whoever it is, why aren’t they credited?
Oh, maybe it was Sam Beddoes. That’s somebody who works at Screenwave. Why didn’t they just say, “Sam Beddoes as Bugs Bunny”? Or whatever he did. Give the proper credit.
Same with Tara T. What did Tara T do? Who even is Tara T? Must be another internet at Screenwave.
Oh, no. Sam Beddoes was that fat English guy in that Back to the Future episode of AVGN. The 300th episode extravaganza or whatever it was. So what the fuck did that guy do warrant a special thanks? We have no fucking idea because these credits are total bullshit.