Gamer Girls

I did a running commentary on the book over on Reddit for the past four days. I’m just going to compile all of the comments here. I’ll do a review of the book tomorrow, giving my overall impressions and whatnot.

—

So April says of her husband, shortly after meeting him, “Everyone who knew him seemed accutely aware that he was bound for greatness and exuded pride in him and his craft.”

Holy fucking shit. How some humility? This is James Rolfe, not the second coming of Jesus Christ.

How could they put something like this in the forward? This is who James Rolfe is. He thinks that he’s the most important guy in the world. Just look at the AVGN Movie. It was two hours of James sucking his own dick. Everybody loves James Rolfe. At least in the movie. And this is how he thinks of himself.

—

“He eats breathes and diarhrea dumps filmmaking.”

What the fuck? So…his wife also has a scat fetish? Why would they put this in the forward? It’s insane.

And why is his wife even writing the forward? It’s like getting a job reference from your mother. Find another “Youtuber” who’s willing to write a little something about you. This is fucking embarassing and I’m still on the forward.

—

There are a lot of weird grammatical errors in this forward. At first, I thought I was the problem but…no. Who proofread this? It’s weird stuff like this:

“He is unapologetically authentic and has worked relentlessly, belief unfaltering in his passion and deserves every ounce of his success.”

More prose about how James is bigger than Jesus but it’s the “belief unfaltering.” What? Did somebody use the wrong words or something? And this happens a few times. Just in the forward. I’m still at the forward.

—

So I’m finally at the first chapter. It says, “I’m flattered that anyone would want to read this.”

Why the sudden humility? Your wife was just talking about how you’re the best thing since sliced bread. Why did you agree to include that ridiculously self-aggrandasing forward? Why didn’t you tell her to tone it down a little? “Hey, come on, April. I’m just a man. I’m not god’s gift to poop videos.”

—

He thanks his wife, his parents, his “Mom and Dad #2″ (what he calls his in-laws…hehe…”number two…like poop”.

Then he says, “Thanks to everyone who has worked with me on videos and whether your name is mentioned in this book or not, I greatly value your contribution to my life.”

But not enough to mention them in the book. So Bootsy, Kyle, whoever else, go fuck yourselves.

Oh….and he thanks his kids…

—

I….what? This is fucked up. The first chapter…it’s all fucked up. There are missing words at the beginning of a lot of these paragraphs. I think that the missing word is “I” but it’s not there.

DID ANYONE PROOF READ THIS???

—

The book literally starts with his birth. He theorises what it was like to be in his baby carriage. What the fuck?

—

Oh my fucking…what? This is…he was describing a dream that he had AS A BABY. And it’s that fucking “dragon in my dream shit.” He had this dream AS A BABY. That’s the word that he uses. “Baby.”

He remembers dreams that he had as a BABY? FUCK OFF!

—

Page 12 starts with half of the paragraph missing. What the fuck? I’m not doing anything wrong. I know how Kindle works. Page 12 has half of the first fucking paragraph missing.

WHO PROOFREAD THIS? NEWT THE INTERN?

—

He talks about going to special education but only for about five pages. Says that he had ADD but also his academic progress was slow so he failed the third grade. Then he went into special education. It’s kind of interesting. I would have liked to hear more about it. But instead, he moves on to his movie making “career”.

—

There’s more missing text between pages 23 and 24. What the fuck. How did this happen? Is it going to be fixed? Can I just get a refund?

—

He describes Jimmy Rolfe Versus The Punching Bag as, “below amateurish and embarrassing”. I found this hilarious.

—

So I’ve finished chapter one. He just talks about his childhood “movies”. He admits that they were all really bad.

Then the chapter ends with him deciding that he wants to go to a normal high school. But on the day before he’s supposed to leave special ed, he gets mad at a bus driver. The previous day, he forgot to tell the bus driver that he got a ride home from somebody else. So the bus driver says, “Nobody tells us anything. We’re the bottom of the totem pole. The balls on the dick.”

James gets really upset by this and kicks a window in school. Then the teacher and principal ask him what happened and he tells them what the bus driver said.

ADULT James Rolfe seems happy that these people probably lost their jobs. I can see as a kid not appreciating being spoken to like that, and even as an adult recognising that it was inappropriate, but to revel in people losing their jobs over this? It’s distasteful.

So I’m moving on to chapter 2 now. I’ll start a new thread for this.

—

He’s in high school now. The book still omits every “I” and I think “A” from the start of every paragraph. I have no idea why. Some formatting problem, I guess. Nobody proofread this.

It’s also very common that a word or even half a fucking paragraph will be missing between pages. It’s another formatting problem, I guess, but why was this not caught?

—

He talks about his moustache. He had it in high school. As a 16 year old, I guess. And everybody told him to shave it but he didn’t want to. He admits now that he should have shaved it because it looked ridiculous.

Draw your own parallels to his current hair situation.

He also is talking about his grandmother who died. If you expect a heartfelt sendoff, remember that James Rolfe has a scat fetish. The first thing he says about this woman is, “One time she farted so loud, the room went pitch black.” It set off The Clapper.

RIP DeeDee. You deserved better than this shit.

—

Oh, it doesn’t end there. He also tells a story about going to a farm with DeeDee and watching the pigs eat their own excrement. DeeDee called it “shit” and James was fascinated by this word.

Who the fuck edited this? All of this shit should have been taken out. We don’t want to read this. Nobody wants to read this. Pigs eating shit? FUCK YOU.

—

He’s talking about his seminal masterpiece Droppings wherein a neighbourhood kid gets bird shit dropped on him. He calls it “comic gold” and he’s not joking.

What’s also weird (other than his scat fetish) is that he doesn’t use the neighbour kids’ last names. He’ll just use the first letter of their last name. So “Joe M” in this case, is the star of Droppings.

But their full names are on IMDB. I don’t know. Maybe James doesn’t want to get sued by putting their full names in this book. Maybe he’s trying to spare people some embarassment.

—

On page 67, he talks about a neigbourhood actor wanting to “take a dump”, whicch resulted in a pause in filming. More scat fetish bullshit.

—

He got a car. It was his grandfather’s car. He drove a girl home one day and couldn’t understand what she meant when she said “turn left”. I…don’t quite get it. It has something to do with his autism. He takes things literally and couldn’t understand something. So they almost died.

Oh, it also took him three times to pass the driving test.

His first job was at “Shit Mart”. More scat fetish nonsense. He did it for a few months. He was bad at the job. He didn’t like it because it took away from his “filmmaking”.

Then he went back ten years later and saw the same people working there. So he thought about how lucky he is.

Yeah. I don’t know. The same people working at a retail store ten years later? People his age? Doing the same job that they did in high school? I don’t think so.

—

He started listening to music but didn’t like the contemporary 1990s stuff. He got into 1980s heavy metal instead.

His first concert was Metalica. He went with a friend. James was 18 at the time. The friend scored some beer and weed but James wasn’t interested. “The only drug I needed was music.”

Fuck off, you square.

—

A girl asked James to go to the junior prom. This was his first date. He didn’t kiss her. Then he also went to the senior prom with her.

What the fuck happened in the intervening year? He says that he never told her that she looked pretty or anything like this. So…were they dating? I guess not. But they just went to the prom together. Twice.

Then he tells a story about another girl he went out with. She was a co-worker as “Shit Mart”. She gave him a note saying that she likes him and wants to go out.

What follows is a story so preposterous that it was clearly inspired by some 1980s television sitcom. She said, “Have you ever kissed a girl before?” Jimmy said, “No” so she kissed him. Yeah, I think that I saw that episode of Saved by the Bell.

Then it ends with this girl wrapping her legs around Jimmy, unbuttoning his pants, and then a fucking police chase ensues. FUCK OFF. This didn’t happen.

—

He talks about meeting Kevin Finn. This is another sitcom-esque story. He was in school. Just fucking pay the eight bucks and read the book if you’re interested in what happened. It’s not an interesting story, though. Just sounds kind of fake to me.

—

Chapter two ends with him filming The Head Incident. This was his last “movie” of high school. He thinks that if you take out the comedy, it could have been a serious horror film. Yeah. No. It sucks.

You know what I would have liked to hear? More about his fucking school days. This “movie” stuff bores the shit out of me.

He briefly said that he was worried about being bullied in high school because people knew that he went to special education. But…we don’t hear anything about any bullying. He’s just making movies and almost losing his virginity while being chased by cops like he’s in some fucking Porky’s movie.

—

What wacky adventures are in store for James in college? Is the crusty old dean going to going to foil his plan for a bra bomb? Let’s find out together.

—

Oh, Kevin Finn, his BFF from high school, just happened to be his next door neighbour at the dorm. What a wacky sitcom coincidence that was.

“The chance of him attending the same college, living in the same dorm, and assigned the room next to mine was incredibly slim.”

I’m inclined to agree, James.

But Kevin didn’t want to hang out with James because James was a boring fellow. Kevin wanted to hang out with a faster crowd.

So James started hanging out with some random dudes who were friends with his roommate. He went to a bar and almost vomited a white Russian. That was the drink he decided to get. “I’ll have what he’s having” is what he said. When James Met Some Random Dude.

—

He had an assignment in some film class. They were allowed to make a two minute “film” in class. You had to make the video in one day, in class. It was just a little throw away thing to teach you how the camera works.

So James wanted to recreate one of his childhood movies. It was obviously way too elaborate for this fucking two minute video.

The professor told him this. Too elaborate. So James told the professor, “I already made 70 films at home.”

Unbelievable. This is something that he still believes to this day.

—

James started a “film festival”. With the help of his friend, who did all of the work, they managed to get some submissions from other students. James screened The Head Incident.

He says, “I continued the film festival annually until junior year.”

So…twice. You did it twice.

—

The first time he smoked weed, the very first fucking puff, the Dean of Students saw him and threatened to expel him.

Fuck your 1980s anti-drug PSA bullshit. These are fucking hackneyed stories. There’s no way they’re real. He’s getting this shit from 1980s television sitcoms.

—

Okay, I’m at page 116 and I’m starting to doze off. It’s just James telling endless stories about stuff that his wacky roommates did and he observed them doing. None of these stories involve James. It’s his roommates who were living it up. James was just watching this shit.

So I’m going to stop here for now. This chapter goes on and on. There’s at leaset another 20 pages. Twenty pages of James talking about stuff that OTHER PEOPLE did. This is his college experience.

I mean…it’s mine too but I wouldn’t write a fucking book about it.

I’m 36% done with the book, by the way. Hopefully, it picks up.

—

He keeps calling his roommates his “roomgoers”. He explained why earlier in the book but I didn’t get it. It’s just weird.

—

At the end of freshman year, one of James’ “roomgoers” got expelled for smoking marijuana.

Then before the year’s end, James interviewed some of the people in the dorm. They seemed to give stupid, uninteresting comments. “Fuck this school” and whatnot.

James also decided to take part in this “movie” that he was making. But because James didn’t do any crazy shit, he just made it up. He told stories about doing crazy shit. He was playing a character. He ends this part of the story by saying that this will later come back to haunt him.

But yeah, James didn’t do jack fucking shit. He’s telling all of these stories about the drug and alcohol use going on and he’s just a passive observer of this. He keeps talking about how he doesn’t want to do anything illegal. He also says that he didn’t want to turn these people in and be a “tattletale”. “Tattletale” is an actual word used. Fucking Cindy from the Brady Bunch is rolling over in her grave.

—

The next part of this chapter is entitled. “The Summer of Nothing.” So a sequel to the “Freshman Year of Nothing”.

I mean…what the fuck? HE DID NOTHING IN COLLEGE! Not the first year, anyway.

This is a fucking deeply autistic, withdrawn man talking about his wasted life. He never did anything.

—

What James did over the summer was edit these interviews into a 40 minute “documentary”, using two VCRs. He claims that the end result was “Just as entertaining as Jackass”. And he’s not joking.

How about a little humility, James? Are you capable of that? If these interviews of your stoner friends from college are so epic, why don’t you release the video? Sell it for $15 on Amazon. Or sell it to Netflix if it’s so great.

—

He says that he mailed these videos, in VHS format, to the “principal players”.

Nice proofreading, Kieran. I’m going to put the “PAL” back in “PRINCIPAL”!

—

James needed an apartment for sophmore year. But he also needed a roommate because he couldn’t afford his own place.

So…because he did absolutely nothing freshman year and didn’t make any friends, he had to put an ad in the paper asking for a roommate. This is how he met Kyle. Kyle responded to the ad saying that he needs a roommate and he plays the guitar.

James also worked in a movie theatre for a month and he talks about how awful it was and how lucky he is that he doesn’t have to work a normal job like a normal person. Working is beneath James Rolfe. He’s a fucking superstar.

—

Jimmy got expelled from the school because the crusty old dean got a hold of this tape where everyone is talking about all of the hijinks they got up to (and James lying about the hijinks).

So then Jimmy went to his room, tore down the poster that had his university logo or something on it, kicked his video camera, and started screaming like a mental patient.

Seven and a half years. This explains the behaviour.

—

Then James talks about the world’s worst suicide attempt. He went to the beach with his parents, went to the ocean, and decided that maybe he should just drown himself. But then a wave hit him and he decided, “No, I’m going to live and fight this expulsion.”

—

Jimmy’s parents wrote a letter to the school asking the expulsion to be repealed. The school responded by saying that they would only suspend Jimmy for a year and he can re-apply next year. They also said that Jimmy has to see a psychologist.

This last part really outraged Jimmy. “Do they think I’m a psycho? I’m already seeing a psychologist because this.”

Ummm…moving on.

Everyone else in the video, bar one, was expelled. James takes no responsibility for this. He shows no remorse. It’s was his video that got them all expelled. He doesn’t give a fuck. He only cares about himself.

—

He’s at community college. He has an assignment to make a little video with some other classmates. James is just the cameraman, not the director. But James keeps giving the director advice on what he should do. The director doesn’t like this and makes his feeling plain to Jimmy.

Jimmy doesn’t understand this. Even today. As an adult. He says, “My peers probably weren’t even pursuing film” and “I had made about 90 films by now.”

No, James. You had made ZERO films at this point. Kung Fu Werewolf is not a fucking film. It’s a piece of shit.

This is…just delusional.

—

Oh my god. James Rolfe played Lenny in Of Mice and Men at this community college. If you’re not a big John Steinbeck fan, Lenny is the MENTALLY CHALLENGED man in the book. It’s the role that James was born to play.

Anyway, James was great as Lenny. All of his classmates and teachers loved his performance. “They stood on their chairs.” That’s an actual quote.

Everybody loves everything that James does. Even that classmate who was the director of their project ended up apologising to Jimmy after the professor told him that Jimmy was right.

What a cunt.

—

Then…what? After the year at community college, James goes back to talk to the crusty old dean. With his parents. James goes on a rant against this dean, telling him what an injustice this suspension was. Then the dean says, “You know what, James? You’re right! I’m a total dope and you’re a fucking filmmaking genius. You’ve made 120 films. Please come back to our humble university.”

That’s only a slight exaggeration of what James actually wrote.

But here’s the really weird thing. Jimmy writes, “I was redeemded! And I’d go on to graduate! So this concludes a suspensful chapter of my life.”

Then that’s the chapter over.

What the fuck happened in the next three years of his crazy college days? NOTHING, presumably. But nothing happened in his freshman year either and he wrote fucking forty pages on this nothingness.

God, this is fucking bad.

Oh, and this “movie”, the one where he interviews his classmates, the one that was better than Jackass, it no longer exists.

And what did James learn from any of this? That he shouldn’t have associated with these “troublemakers”.

What the fuck? So he wanted to do EVEN LESS than he already did.

No, James. You squandered your youth. You should have been out drinking and smoking and fucking bitches. Having a good time. The people were there. You were invited to these crazy parties. You kept declining the invitations because you’re a pussy.

I get it. I was the same way. But I regret not doing anything. I don’t say, “Boy, I wish I would have been even more awkward and withdrawn.” Fucking mental.

—

Oh. He actually is going to talk about his second year of university. So why did the previous chapter end with him saying that he graduated?

Kyle and James moved to different apartments. The previous year, when James was suspended, they shared an apartment but James was barely there because he was suspended. He was living with his parents. But he still paid the rent because he didn’t want to put Kyle in a bad situation.

I don’t know if this is noble or idiotic. Maybe pay the rent but try to find a replacement roommate. Whatever.

—

Oh my god. James’ parents were helping him move because he’s incompetent. But the day they moved was September 11, 2001. A September 11 reference! Just like in that Monster Madness video that Newt Wallen plagiarised. Hilarious.

He describes being in traffic when the attack happened and “the most terrified I’ve ever been”.

What? He thought that they were going to attack a fucking bridge in Philadelphia.

Seven and a half years.

—

James got a job as the assistant to the crusty old dean. His former nemesis who got a newfound respect for the Rolfeman after Jimmy stood up to him.

Fuck off.

—

James says of his social life, “Sitting in my apartment by myself got boring and lonely. My only social interaction came from telemarketers who would call periodically.”

This is what the the book is going to be about? Or at least the next several chapters? James’ not doing anything in college?

Yeah. Then he’s just telling more stories that people told him that they did. And James says stuff like, “I’m glad I wasn’t there.”

It’s unbelievable.

Then he was walking with a very drunk friend. James, of course, hadn’t been drinking. This friend ran into a pillar, broke it, and was hurt. James feared the police being called so he ran away.

WHAT THE FUCK? And even today, as an adult, James thinks that he did the right thing. “Based on past experience, I now avoided trouble whenever I could.”

Yeah. And you left your friend to die. James even suggested that he wasn’t sure if this guy could make it home.

This is an autobiography of a man who never took a single risk in his entire life. He’s never done anything. He’s a total pussy. Why would I want to read an autobiography from somebody who’s NEVER DONE ANYTHING?

—

This next section is headed “The Vodka Night”. James turned 21 and decided that he can drink alcohol now because it’s legal.

This is a theme throughout the book. James is terrified of authority figures, and the police in particular. When he’s driving, he’s careful to obey all of the traffic laws. He doesn’t jay walk. He’s careful to never loiter. He just sits in his empty studio apartment all day and talks to telemarketers about what a great filmmaker he is. He’s made 150 films so far.

—

He talks about meeting Bootsy. He showed Bootsy a picture that he took the same or previous day with Ozzy Osbourne. It was similar to those like wrestling events where you pay $100 or whatever to take a very awkward picture with the “superstar”.

“Bootsy introduced me to his roommate, who asked, “Aren’t you the guy who made 90 films?” “93”, I said.

Oh my god. James has absolutely no self-awareness of how awful this makes him sound. At best, he’s a total mental patient. At worst, this is extremely narcissistic.

These are the two strongest elements that you get from James through reading this book. He’s a mental patient and he’s a narcist. Is this the image that he wants to portray? Because obviously, none of this is flattering.

WHY DID NOBODY READ THIS AND TRY TO CONVINCE JAMES TO TONE THIS SHIT DOWN? Or if it can’t be toned down, if this is just how James is, DON’T RELEASE THE BOOK. Because this is damaging.

The more we know about James Rolfe, the more we realise that this guy is a total asshole. And he’s never done anything with his life. So this feeling of superiority that he has is totally groundless.

—

He also met Mike Matei. Mike was Bootsy’s roommate. He was impressed with Mike’s video game collection. No mention of the size of his penis. Sorry, boys.

—

James is talking about his sophomore film. It Came from Beyond the Toilet. “It’s about a shit monster who comes out of a toilet and shits on people.”

That’s another horrible personality trait that we get from this book. His raging scat fetish.

—

James showed his junior year film at some school convention and everybody loved it. Of course. They were screaming. Fists were being pumped. It was the greatest thing they’ve ever seen.

Fuck off.

—

In Jimmy’s last year of college, he still never had a girlfriend so he decided that chicks dig guys who play music. Well, it’s true, I guess. But sitting in your studio apartment all day talking to telemarketers isn’t going to get you a girlfriend. Maybe just go out more.

Anyway, the band sucked because there was no time to practice. Literally, this is his excuse. No time to practice. He played drums, by the way. Poorly.

So…I don’t know…somehow Jimmy got a date. It’s not explained. And he showed this woman one of his shitty movies. Guess what? She loved it! She jumped into his lap and they started making out.

Fuck off.

—

This woman broke up with him after a few months and it destroyed Jimmy for some weird, seven and a half years reason.

But he still made his senior year movie. And even though his heart wasn’t into it…guess what….EVERYONE LOVED IT!

“It screened to an ecstatic crowd.”

“It was praised by my classmates and professors alike.”

“It even had an encore screening.”

“Everyone loved it.”

Those are all actual quotes.

Fuck off.

—

So then Jimmy graduated. But he was still depressed about this girlfriend who dumped him.

Then he moved back in with his parents. Then he got a job at a liquor store.

I’m going to stop here for now. The next section is called Prelude to the Nerd.

I’m 56% done with the book. So more than half of the book is just about his fucking student life. The shitty “films” that he made as a child and in college.

In any normal autobiography, childhood and college life is maybe 10% of the book. Maybe 5%. But because James has never fucking done anything with his life, other than stumble into this AVGN shit, he had to devote more half of the book to his shitty childhood “movies”.

And none of these stories are interesting. The kids didn’t want to be in the movies. He edited with two VCRs. His movies in college were awesome, but we’re not told why.

And if these college movies were so great, where are they? Where can I see these alleged “films” that had audiences roaring in approval? Fucking ridiculous.

—

He made the first AVGN video because he was bored. He sent it to Mike and Bootsy who then sent it to a few other people.

Great story, James. I’m glad that I paid £8 for this shit.

—

He also “made peace” with his ex-girlfriend. He called her up, crying, and she told him to move on.

So he says, “I truly thank her for that. All those hard feelings are ancient history. And if I saw her today, I’d give her a hug and tell her everything worked out just fine.”

Well…for you maybe. You’re not interested in what happened to her?

No. He’s not. James Rolfe only cares about James Rolfe.

—

This next part is about meeting “Mrs Nerd”. How fucking cringe is this? The woman has a name. We all know her name. Her name was in the fucking foreward.

He met her on some dating site. He doesn’t specify which one. She was an art student in Philadelphia, so same as he was. I guess.

“From the moment I first looked at her, I was dazzled. My head was knocked into the clouds. I was all hers!”

The cringe isn’t stopping with this guy.

He says that he wanted to marry her on this first date.

Then he skips ahead and lists all of the places that he went with her on vacation. He says that she planned them all. “She’s the planner”. Well, yeah. Seven and a half years.

—

He got a job as a video editor. He moved out of his parents’ house. Doesn’t say where he moved to but he moved somewhere.

He got into a car accident on the way to his new apartment.

James didn’t like his new boss, who was a former police officer, because he was angry. Then Jimmy makes comparisons to Donald Trump, which seems bizarre to me. There’s a clear political message that he’s inserting into this. Not a cogent political message but a political message nonetheless. Jimmy doesn’t care much for Donald Trump. Well then don’t vote for the man. Who gives a shit?

“This was long before I ever imagined such a horrible man could become the president…anyway.”

James didn’t like the computers at this job SO HE BROUGHT HIS OWN FROM HOME! He would lug his own fucking computer from home every day. Back and forth. And I don’t mean a laptop. I mean a full-sized computer. Did he also bring the monitor? We don’t know.

Seven and a half years.

—

He spent a year making some shitty movie with volunteer “professional” actors who he “hired” from an ad he put on Cinemassacre dot com. The Deader the Better. I’m sure that that’s a classic.

Then his parents got divorced. He offers no explanation as to why.

James would send his “movies” to film festivals, and you also had to pay a fee whether or not your film was selected to be shown. He never got a response to any of this.

So then Mike told him about Youtube. Youtube will take anything, no matter how bad the quality may be. This changed everything.

With standards in place, James’ shitty “movies” had no hope of ever seeing the light of day. But now with Youtube, it doesn’t matter. Cat videos, graduation videos, vlogs. They’ll take anything.

—

He repeatedly refers to Mike Matei as just “Matei”. So not “Mike”, for example. Kind of weird.

So Jimmy made some other Angry Nintendo Nerd video and this one was more cinematic. Most dumb skits. This was a turning point. Jimmy LOVES dumb skits.

And he says that “Matei” made the Youtube channel and also made the MySpace page. James was too inept to register on these sites. You know why.

ScrewAttack contacted Jimmy and/or “Matei”. So Jimmy agreed to release videos on ScrewAttack. For no pay.

“As if I were the voice of a generation.”

Jimmy bigging himself up again.

Yes, Jimmy. You’re a hero. You took a fake dump on your college friend. Finally, somebody isn’t afraid to tell it like it is.

—

Jimmy credits “Matei” with the title cards and appearing in some of the videos but NO mention of the fact that “Matei” wrote loads of episodes. Jimmy files this unimportant bit of trivia under “help”.

Mtv had a news item on AVGN. “They used a scene from my Back to the Future (NES) review, in which I stated that if I shat in a bag and wrote “Back to the Future” on it…”

“I would never have imagined that one day I’d be on Mtv talking about shitting in a bag.”

More scat fetish nonsense.

—

With the success (but still no money) from AVGN, and with the encouragement of his saintly wife, Jimmy decides that he’s going to quit his job. But there’s NO TIME to find another job while he’s still working. So he has to quit first and find a job later.

Not sure how everybody else manages to find a job while still working but okay.

But Jimmy only had enough money saved up for one month. Despite the fact that his video editing job had a free fucking apartment and he lived like three minutes away from the job.

What was he spending all of his money on? Poop? How expensive can poop possibly be?

—

Oh my god. Then he starts listing his reasons for wanting to quit. He says that the place was full of cigarette smoke. The boss smoked. James says that this is probably illegal.

James is absolutely petrified of the police. It’s bizarre. Throughout the book, he’s talking about his fear of doing stuff because it’s illegal. Drinking while under the age of 21, for example. Dude. Fucking relax. The police aren’t going to kick the doors in because somebody is smoking in there.

So James says that April could smell the smoke on him and that his health was at risk.

He’s also a hypochondriac. You saw the way that he reacted to covid. Everything had to stop. Everybody had to work remotely. Everybody had to wear a mask. He was terrified of covid.

This is somebody who’s terrified of absolutely everything. He quit his job because he thought that he was going to die from his boss smoking cigarettes.

—

So James quit his job and then went home and smashed a ceiling light. He apologises to April for having witnessed this.

He has a lot of weird stories like this where he gets upset and destroys something. It’s toddler behaviour.

Oh my god.

So then James went back into work and told his boss that he’s quitting. The boss, who Jimmy has repeatedly told us was an angry and scary man, “Almost began to cry and begged me to stay. ‘I love you James. I love the work you do'”.

Go. Fuck. Yourself.

EVERYBODY loves James. According to James.

Nobody loves James Rolfe more than James Rolfe. This is fucking bullshit. He is completely incapable of ANY humility. He genuinely believes that he’s the greatest person who ever lived. You see it in everything he does. You saw it big time in The AVGN Movie.

I’ll stop here for today. I’m 65% done. I should finish it tomorrow. There’s a bunch of AVGN shit coming up. There’s his wedding to his beautiful bride. There’s his cat. There’s The AVGN Movie. There’s his children. There’s Jimmy cowering over covid. There’s three glorious pages on Rex Viper. And then I never have to read this shit again.

—

This is sub-titled “Self Employed Nerd (Part 1)”. There are three or four such parts. I don’t know why he didn’t just make this a new chapter. Because this chapter seems to go on forever.

—

“I sacrificed my job, my free apartment, and health insurance. All gone.”

Well, that was your fucking idiotic idea. He quit the job. He quit the job without having another job lined up. Because the boss smoked and James thought that he was going to get lung cancer from secondhand smoke. Also, James had NO TIME to look for another job while still working.

Anyway, he got a job editing wedding videos. He got the job through some “friend” from college.

Jimmy also got married.

“I felt that we were already married since we had been living together.”

Weird comment.

They took some pictures for his wedding, including at a gazebo which he describes as, “The same spot where we sat down during our first date. Where the magic first happened.”

Does he know that this is a euphamism for intercourse? He had sex with Mrs Nerd on their first date? And in public? Pretty freaky, James. Who could have guessed? I would have liked to hear more about this.

—

He talks about some interview he did with Mtv where he was “in character”. He was with Kyle. And he says that it didn’t work. He needs to be scripted.

I think that I’ve seen this video. If it’s the one I’m thinking of, yeah, it’s awkward as fuck. At least Jimmy admits it. For once, he’s not saying that everybody loved it.

Jimmy complains about fans who tap his car window when he’s trying to park or bother him at dinner or follow him to the bathroom. I think it might be the boys from TheCinemassacreTruth who are following him into the bathroom.

Then he talks about mobs of fans tracking him down, following his car, shit like this. He compares himself to The Beatles in this respect.

Fuck off.

—

He’s talking about how he never made much money from this. “When it comes to money, I’m not very smart.”

Ummm…just when it comes to money?

In 2008, he got a new contract with ScrewAttack or GameTrailers or somebody. For actual pay this time. So he was able to quit his job editing wedding videos. He also hired “Matei” to edit the videos. Still no mention of the fact that “Matei” WROTE the videos. At least some of them. I’m thinking most of them.

They also hired Ryan at this time. And they started selling DVDs. He describes Ryan as the “business mastermind” behind Cinemassacre.

No mention of firing Bootsy and Kyle and whoever the third guy is. Kevin Finn, I think. Did it not happen yet or is he just not going to mention it?

—

Then he starts talking about the tax implications of being self-employed. You have to set money aside because you pay the taxes at the end of the year. Well, yeah. No shit.

But he says, “The good side is that with my particular job, I’m able to deduct video games as a business expense. Pretty wild.”

Ummm…I think that the IRS might be interested in this statement. MAYBE if the video game is actually used in a video it can be deducted. MAYBE. But it can’t just be in the background. It has to the subject of the video. And even then, I’m not sure if that’s a legitimate business expense.

“Time management is the toughest thing of all”.

We know, Jimmy. It’s a real problem for you.

Then he says that the best episodes are the ones that took the longest to make. No, James. We all hate the fucking dumb skits. Get rid of that shit.

—

He says that he was chronically ill and had immune system problems. This was around the time that he bought a house. I don’t know what he’s referring to. Some more hypochondria, maybe.

He talks about getting another cat to make him less lonely. “At the time of final proof-reading this text, she’s still going, as of 2020.”

You probably should have kept proof-reading a little longer.

—

On the subject of “haters”:

“Most of the things I’ve seen people write me are super nice! But of course, on the internet some people write nasty shit. The good outwighs it, but obviously it’s the internet, and if you’re putting yourself out there, you’re goign to attract people who act negatively. Some of them just want to hate you for no reason. Complete strangers you never met, let alone harmed. It boggles my brain to wonder why some people, with so much free time on their hands, would rather start shit on the internet than use that time to do something creative like I did. I’ve been told jealousy plays a strong part. Jealousy is an emotion I’ve unesterimated. When you get successful, you become a target for that. But my wish is for them not to feel jealous, but to feel inspired!”

Maybe your videos just suck cock, Jimmy. Have you considered that possibility?

Or maybe it’s just a matter of people having different tastes. Let’s assume that your videos are all awesome. Not EVERYBODY is going to like them. Not everybody likes MASH. Not everybody likes Citizen Kane. Not everybody likes the Sistine Chapel. People like different shit.

But no. Jimmy puts all criticism down to jealousy. How could anybody not like watching a grown man taking a fake dump on Bugs Bunny? Or sticking a BFG up his ass and pretending to take a shit on a daemon? Or doing a faux defecation in a dolphin’s blowhole?

Jealousy. You’re all jealous. You’re jealous of all of the fame and success that a man who spent seven and a half years in special education has achieved.

—

He ends the chapter by briefly talking about Board James. He liked it because he could do his stupid “lore”. He gives a particular shoutout to the AWFUL finale that was just a convoluted mess.

He also mentions that there are people who don’t like the dumb skits. But he says that they’re necessary because otherwise, he’d get bored making the videos.

He also can’t understand people who say that his anger is “forced” now.

Well, watch the fucking videos, Jimmy. Your acting is atrocious now. What happened? I suspect that it’s because “Matei” isn’t directing shit any more.

He ends the chapter by going to this park that had the concrete dragon in it. Says that he made over 300 movies by this point and he was turning 30 so it was time to say goodbye to his childhood.

Well, you were 30 years old, Jimmy.

—

Eugh. I don’t even want to do this. I’m feeling the same way now that I did when I tried to watch The AVGN Movie. I tried to watch that thing THREE TIMES. I’d stop, wait a few weeks, and then try to watch from where I left off. I couldn’t fucking do it. I don’t even think that I made it halfway through. It’s a giant piece of shit. Sorry to be a jealous hater.

So…Jimmy says that The AVGN Movie was intended to be like the ET video game or Plan Nine from Outer Space. Kind of a so bad that it’s good kind of thing. He was setting out to make a cult movie.

But obviously that doesn’t work. You don’t TRY to make a shitty movie. ET and Plan Nine from Outerspace were attempts to make something good.

This is just Jimmy’s excuse. “Oh, no. I was TRYING to make something bad.” Well, if that’s the case, mission accomplished. That fucking movie is rotten on every level.

You should have tried to make a GOOD movie, Jimmy. That would have been a better idea, right?

He did try to make a good movie. This is the shit that he makes. He just throws every idea he can think of into a project as a substitute for writing something good. He did the same thing with The Wizard of Oz 3: Dorothy Goes to Hell and the Board James finale and you see this in just about everything that he does. Just a bunch of wacky, unrelated ideas, throw them into a blender, and the result is…comedy?

No. The result is shit. WRITE A GOOD SCRIPT. That’s how you make a good movie. But he obviously can’t. The man spent seven and a half years in special education. I get it. But…then don’t make movies. Know your limitations. Focus on what you’re good at.

—

On page 225, he says that the “subliminal message” of the movie is “love your neighbor”. And he says that the film has an anti-xenophobia message. He says that immigrants aren’t to blame for the problems in the US.

What? Where is any of this in the film? Maybe I didn’t get to that part yet.

—

Jimmy and Kevin Finn spoke to studios to try to get them to finance the film but, wisely, nobody was interested. So they went to IndieGoGo to shake down the fans for pennies.

He gives a very cursory breakdown of where the money went. 30% went to taxes and $8000 went to headshots for him to autograph as one of the perks of donating. That’s it. That’s the breakdown.

Then he addresses allegations that he kept some of the money for himself. He denies this. He says that he didn’t spend the money on cocaine or hookers. I’ve never heard those allegations. A house is what I’ve always heard.

Did Jimmy use this money to buy a house? I don’t know and I don’t give a shit. If people were stupid enough to donate, that’s their problem.

—

There’s a brief shoutout to “Matei” running the channel when Jimmy was in California making the movie. No reference whatsoever to the videos that “Matei” made.

Jimmy was stressed about the film, so he decided to, “Get as close to the Hollywood sign as I legally could.”

Again, Jimmy is expressing his abject fear of law enforcement. He thinks that if he gets too close to the sign, a SWAT team is going to descend and haul him off to jail.

—

They decided to film one of the scenes in a water treatment plant. This really gets Jimmy excited.

“There was a looming smell. A horrid stank that permeated the air all throughout the facility. It was none other than feces. Yes, we were in a shit factory. There was a pipe which read ‘waste activated'” — and then it cuts off. This was not the end of the sentence. Just Jimmy was too busy jacking off at this part to proofread anything. It’s fucking gross.

Then in the next paragraph, he’s getting excited talking about bird shit that he saw there. I’m not making any of this up.

—

“My wife’s dream was always to have children but she had to postpone her dreams because of mine.”

What? Why? Usually, women delay having children because they’re interested in their career. But Mrs Nerd doesn’t work. So…I don’t know. James was too busy to work and take care of children. And Mrs Nerd was too lazy to take care of children. She needed James to assist. And James had NO TIME because he was working on this god awful movie.

But when Jimmy was at an amusement park for some film location, he suddenly became broody and decided that he wants children. Umm…good for you, Jimmy. I guess. I didn’t need to know this.

—

Fuck. I think I’m done for the day. This is awful. I’ve only got about 60 pages to go but it’s soooooooooooooooooo boring. The next part is about the actual filming.

He also talked about the casting. He just said, “Well, we got Cooper and Sarah and whoever and they were great.”

No mention of their previous credits. No mention of WHY he hired them. No mention of other people who auditioned. It was just, “We got Cooper and Sarah and they were great. I’d hire them again.”

Well, that might be difficult Jimmy because they’re no longer in the business. And you’re not making movies.

There’s so much stuff in this book that he could have expanded on but didn’t. And there’s a lot of complete dreck. Did we need 40 pages on his freshman year of college?

The only parts of this book that I found interesting was the special education. As far as I’m concerned, that should have been the whole book. He never fucking did anything after special education. He peaked at special education.

It’s a book about a man who did nothing. I know that he’s talking about making a movie now but…the movie sucks dick. I don’t care how it was made.

So…I have to stop here for today. I just don’t give a shit.

—

Jimmy is talking about the possibility of having children. He says, “I was afraid that something could go wrong. Some possible medical issue.”

It’s true. The mentally challenged are discouraged from having children because…you know…the children might be mentally challenged. That’s what he’s talking about, right? What else could it be? Why would he think that there would be some other medical issue?

But April “talked him into” having children. It’s just weird. April isn’t mentally challenged, is she? Maybe she is. I don’t know. You kind of have to assume that she is. The mentally challenged sometimes have “girlfriends” or whatever but the girlfriends tend to also be mentally challenged.

I don’t want to dwell on this but…why would a woman of normal intelligence be interested in a man who’s mentally challenged? It’s just weird. I don’t know. We aren’t going to get an answer to this from the book.

—

Oh god. Jimmy. What? We don’t need the disgusting details of your wife giving birth. I won’t even repeat them. I don’t want to think about it. But he says some pretty gross stuff. Stuff that surely his wife doesn’t want shared.

Oh my god. Then his scat fetish…I…oh, I’m getting dizzy. This is nauseating. *Trigger* warning for the following:

“They said the baby passed meconium meaning she took her first shit inside the womb.”

James…what in the name of fuck are you thinking? He’s getting sexually excited over his baby taking a shit in his wife. What…this might be the single most disgusting thing I’ve ever read.

And does his wife want this information to be shared? Why the fuck would he put this in an autobiography?

Because he’s getting off on this. This is his thing. His baby taking a shit in his wife. I know that it’s vile beyond all imagination but I’m not making this up. This is in the fucking book.

—

Ohhh ohhh ohhh. I don’t want to read this. He’s going into excurtiating detail about all of the terrible, awful, painful medical procedures that had to be used during this difficult delivery. WHY IS THIS IN HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY? DOES APRIL WANT THIS INFORMATION TO BE SHARED?

I’m fucking skipping the next few pages. Fuck this fucking degenerate. I don’t want to fucking read this.

—

Oh fuck. More unbelievebly horrible scat fetish stuff.

“They rushed the baby to a table, and all of a suddent she screamed out and vomited an Exorcist-0style projective of meconium. Never in my life was I so happy to see somebody puke shit.”

I…I just want Jimmy to shut the fuck up. I want him to go away. I want this book to end. He should be deeply ashamed to write shit like this. The police, who he’s obviously terrified of, should be taking his children away. You can’t have a fucking mentally challenged guy like this raising children. WHO THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA TO INCLUDE THIS SHIT IN THE BOOK?

—

hen…oh fuck. Jimmy. WHY? WHY IS THIS SHIT IN HERE?

He’s going on and on about the horrible injuries that not only the baby but also his wife suffered during the pregnancy. He’s giving WAY too many details. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too many. WE DON’T NEED TO KNOW THIS! WE DON’T NEED TO KNOW HOW MANY FEET OF BLOODIED TISSUE WERE COMING OUT OF YOUR WIFE’S PUSSY. YOU SICK FUCK.

—

Now…thank the almighty fuck…Jimmy is no longer talking about horrible injuries and medical procedures. He’s talking about not having time to make a movie.

“I became painfully aware of the amount of time this movie was stealing from my life.”

“It was a crazy revelation for me, to suddenly feel like my lifelong dreams was my own personal trap within an eternal vacuum of time.”

Then don’t make the movie, Jimmy. Nobody gives a shit. Go see if your job at Wawa is still available.

—

A light got too close to the smoke detector, which caused the fire department to come over. He has some system where the fire department gets dispached if the smoke detector goes off, I guess.

The fire marshall gets there and Jimmy is afraid that he’s going to get in trouble for having too many consoles hooked up to one power strip. Or something.

Yet another example of Jimmy’s irrational fear of authority figures. The fire marshall is not going to haul you to the fire station jail for having too many consoles hooked up to one power strip.

—

Jimmy talks about an army of unpaid workers who did a bunch of digital effects shots for the movie. Just random fans. He didn’t even pay them in exposure. They got no exposure. He just straight up took advantage of idiots who wanted to be involved with this horrible movie for whatever reason.

It seems like half the movie is the result of these “volunteers”. They didn’t shoot much of anything when they were in California because they had NO TIME.

I’m just glad that Jimmy isn’t talking about his baby taking a shit in his wife any more. Remember that? What the fuck was he thinking?

—

James urinated on a piece of paper that…I don’t know…something to do with the movie. Then he flushed this paper down the toilet.

Toilets don’t handle paper very well, Jimmy. Just toilet paper and human waste. Nothing else should be flushed.

But Jimmy doesn’t know this. Seven and a half years.

—

His mother and sister came to the premiere but no mention of his father.

Guess what? Everybody loved the movie!

Wait…are we still talking about The AVGN Movie?

Yeah! That’s the one. Everybody loved it! According to James Rolfe, anyway.

Fuck off. It’s a piece of shit and everybody knows it.

“The film was a crowd pleases, as we clearly witnessed in all the theaters. But on the internet, it attracted some negativity. You gotta expect that, as a filmmaker. No matter how hard you work on something, no matter how hard you try to make it excellent, no movie is above criticisim.”

Yeah. Especially the movies that suck dick. Like The AVGN Movie, for example.

“We all critique movies. But some people go too far.”

What are you talking about? Who went too far? The movie was HORRIBLE. I’m not saying that Jimmy didn’t try. I’m not saying that a lot of time wasn’t spent on this. I’m not saying that a lot of money wasn’t spent on this. I’m simply saying that the movie sucks cock.

Jimmy seems to think that if you spend a lot of time on something, it has to be good.

No. It’s not the number of hours spent that determine how good something is. This thing had a horrible script. You can’t write. You spent seven and a half years in special education. Come on. You should have hired a writer. A competent writer. And you should have scaled this way, way, way down.

—

“My granpa died. He was the last of my grandparents to go. He may have been the original Nerd, having introduced me to video games. He told me the quote, ‘Pick fly shit out of pepper while wearing boxing gloves'”

Jimmy loves this quote. More scat fetish nonsense.

This is all that he has to say about his grandfather? This disgusting scat fetish thing? It’s deplorable. He did the same thing with his grandmother.

—

He mentions Screenwave. Briefly. But only to announce that he’s still in charge.

“His (Ryan’s) company Screenwave has helped me produce videos more efficienetly, including more help on the AVGN episodes in recent years. They handle a great multitude of things from fixing my equipment to editing the videos, under my direction. Though the process of makign episodes has never changed. I still always have full creative control.”

Yeah. Jimmy is in full control. Jimmy is the boss.

Then explain why the videos are fucking horrible now. Why the sudden drop in quality after Mike was no longer in charge?

Because Mike was better at managing Mr Seven and Half Years.

—

Oh fuck. Now Jimmy is talking about the horrible details surrounding the birth of his second daughter. This is unbelievable.

He’s talking about blood splattering on the ground. It’s just…why? I get it. Seven and a half years. But why did nobody of normal intelligence tell him not to write this shit?

Then he talks about scaling down the number of hours he works because he has two children now. Fuck off.

—

He says that his older sister says to the younger one, “My beloved sister. You’re the best thing in my life.”

Who talks like this? No offense, but you might want to start checking out some special education programs.

—

“It didn’t take long for things to get stressful. The main issue was time.”

“We couldn’t shoot for more than 12 hours a day. This was mostly due to union laws and overtime pay.”

Then he complains that there’s a mandatory one hour lunchtime.

Who would want to work for this guy? He think that you should work MORE THAN 12 HOURS A DAY. AND you only get 25 minutes for lunch or whatever.

Fuck off.

Who doesn’t know that 12 hour days are a lot? They didn’t work this much in Dickensian times. Complete asshole.

—

He complains about the portable toilets. Not being able to shit. More scat fetish nonsense.

He talks about people threatening to call the police if they stepped over the boundary of where they were supposed to be filming. Another example of Jimmy’s all-consuming fear of the police.

Here’s a DIFFERENT example just two paragraphs later:

“One time, we had a police helicopter come out of nowhere and shine a spotlight down on us! Nothing happened and they might have just been playing around, but it scared the hell out of me.”

Relax, Jimmy. Nothing is going to happen.

They hired some incompetent guy to supply the props. This guy basically just pocketed all of the money that Jimmy gave him to get the props. This guy was also prone to violence. Jimmy refused to fire him because he was afraid of him.

Eventually, he was fired. Then after shooting, somebody said that this guy changed his ways because he saw what a gentle soul Jimmy was and that Jimmy just wanted to make a movie. Jimmy wasn’t interested in money, he was just doing it for the art. And this so inspired this thug that he became the world’s greatest prop master.

Everybody loves James Rolfe. It’s just how it is. At least in Jimmy’s mind.

—

The next section is entitled, “Time Runs Out.” Uh huh. We get it, Jimmy. You have a real problem with time management.

Basically, Jimmy didn’t shoot a bunch of scenes because he’s incompetent. Then when he fucked up some scene, the guy who played the General said, “You know, I was Splinter in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

Jimmy found this inspiring. Like it was Splinter urging him to go on. But no. The guy was telling him that he was Splinter to illustrate the downward trajectory of his career. He went from being Splinter in a big Hollywood movie to this fucking piece of shit.

At least that’s how I took it.

Then that’s the chapter over.

—

Jimmy was terrified of covid so stopped working on everything. But he decided that he wanted to make another movie. He had to do it all by himself because of covid. Everybody is diseased.

So he made The Head Returns. I did a review of this on my BLOG. It’s fucking god awful.

Then Jimmy says that he wants to make another feature length film one day but it would have to be scaled back because he has children. I’m not even joking. This is what he says.

It’s apparently going to be that haunted amusement park thing that he talked about before. He just stole the plot from every third episode of The Scooby Doo Mysteries. But anyway, he won’t work on this until his children are in school. Again, I’m not making this up. This is what he says.

—

Rex Viper. Hoo boy.

“Finding bandmates was easy because I already had friends who were equally excited.”

He goes on to say that these people were on different coasts and different countries. And that they all recorded separately.

How is this a band? Just get some local people. Put some flyers up. “Looking to form a band. I’m 40 years old and don’t play any instruments. Anyone want to join my Youtube novelty band?”

Then some high school kids would show up. It would be kind of like when he was making “movies” as an 18 year old with the 12 year old kids from the neighbourhood.

But at least it would be an actual band. Kind of. Assuming that Jimmy actually took time away from his children to practice with the band. As a group. In person. In his garage. Covid be damned.

No, I’ll just get my friends, who we never heard of before, who live THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY. And we’ll all record separately and then I’ll spend 100 hours editing the video. And that makes it good. At least in Jimmy’s mind. Time spent on something = quality.

—

He doesn’t even give the names of the people in the band. Just their first names.

Wait…maybe that’s because the other people in the band don’t want their full names to be known.

So they had their first “gig” at Too Many Games. It was the first time that they even met. They practiced for three days.

But guess what? EVERYBODY LOVED IT!

Fuck the fuck off.

—

Then he ends the book by talking about the concrete dragon in a park and the mysteries of time. What a cunt.

I’ll have a full review of the book on my BLOG…probably in two days. But I’ve already got 950 articles on there that you can enjoy. Can you believe it? I’ve published 950 articles.

Mark Twain only had 110 articles published. Think about it. I’ve got 950 of them. Mark Twain doesn’t have shit on me.

https://gamergrrlsofficial.wordpress.com

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