So he has a book on “creepypasta” which he defines as urban legends that come from the internet. It’s a good thing he defined it because I had no fucking idea.
Before I get into the book, which is insane, let’s look at the promotional video, which is also insane.
0:00 – “Today I’m sue excited.”
I’ve never heard somebody mispronounce “so” before. It’s two letters, Chris. How did you POSSIBLY get this wrong? And I don’t think that this is a flub. I think that this is his pronunciation. But if that’s the case, how did I miss it all these years? “So” much come up a lot. And this is REALLY noticeable. Maybe a ghost briefly possessed him.
“A lot of people have been waiting for this.”
He’s talking about his book. Literally nobody has been waiting for it. The comments are full of angry people giving him shit for making a big multi-day countdown to this. Apparently, this is something that he was doing and people expected a new Irate Gamer episode to be the big news. But no, it was this “creepypasta” book.
Also, what I noticed was weird about this video, one of many things, is that he’s holding the camera with one hand, with his arm outstretched, and constantly gesticulating with the other hand in an aggressive manner. Just put the camera on a fucking tripod. Or a stack of books on your dresser. Something. This is a professional? How many years has he been making videos?
1:30 – “I kind of am like a demonologist. I go out and cleanse houses and I see this thing first hand what demons can do.”
Uh huh. And this isn’t even related to the book in way that I can figure.
“I tear apart all of these creepypastas.”
This seems to suggest that he’s debunking this obviously nonsense but…no. That’s not what the book is about. It’s much more bizarre than that.
2:15 – “I have gotten a medium, like, psychic type person to help me out and channel some of the things about this story.”
He’s talking about the Slenderman “creepypasta” but I think he does this with all ten of his “creepypasta” topics, which include things like Polybius and Chris Chan.
This actually made me lose complete and total interest in the book. Because before I watched the video, I read the sample pages that he has on Amazon and it was…completely mental but I thought maybe it would be unintentionally funny.
But I don’t want to read 150 pages of what some “psychic” things about nerd legends. Who the fuck does? And why isn’t this psychic given any credit in the book? She seems to have played a massive role in this. Why isn’t she co-writer or something? Or at least give her “help” credit like James Rolfe used to do.
It doesn’t even make sense. But he explains more so let’s get back to it.
2:30 – “I know some people are like, ‘Psychics, whatever.'”
Yeah. It’s all bullshit. All of this ghost shit, the psychics, whatever other 19th centry swindles you’re trying to dredge up, it’s all bullshit.
He’s even dressed like he’s from the 19th century on the picture on the book and his Youtube profile. So this is all part of his plan. He’s doing grifts from 150 years ago. What’s next? Horse scams? Selling quack medication? He should get a wagon and a donkey and take his show on the road like Professor Marvel in the Wizard of Oz. And actually, he is planning something like that, which I’ll come to soon.
2:45 – He says that he spoke to this psychic for two hours. I don’t even know what I should be criticising at this point. Is that not enough time to be able to put together a book on the subject or is this all just bullshit and who cares? I suppose the latter.
3:15 – So with the help of this psychic in this two hour session, he was able to make a sketch of gameplay from the Polybius game but he cautions, “As much as we could pull because there are certain things that even the powers that be did not want out there to influence others.”
I don’t know who he’s referring to. Demons? Jews? The Illuminati? Donald Trump? I don’t know. But there’s somebody out there who doesn’t want you to see all of Chris Bores’ shitty sketches of Polybius, a game that doesn’t exist, that he was somehow able to channel with the help of a psychic.
But what would knowing what the game looks like even do? What’s the harm? I guess because it’s like a haunted game. Demons are going to do something or ghosts or monsters or something.
3:30 – “When you hear the description of what this game entailed, you’re going to be like…’Oh my god, that makes so much sense.'”
Chris, none of this makes sense. And what a fucking tease that is. You’re going to think “This makes so much sense.” Who fucking cares? I was expecting, “Oh my god, this changes everything. I can’t believe that this true.” No. Just…”Oh, that makes sense. Cool. They were demons. Just as I suspected. Moving on.”
5:00 – “I’m also doing a museum that I’m taking around to different conventions.”
This is his traveling sideshow scam that he’s working on. Come see…WHAT? What does he have in this fucking “museum”?
There’s the video where he promotes this traveling con show but…he doesn’t show anything. So…what are we…I guess it’s going to be like replicas of the inconsequential shit that he talks about in the book. At best. Who cares about that?
I guess that he can’t show you the actual items in the video because demons wouldn’t allow that. He’s all about those demons. Anything he doesn’t want to explain, demons is his go to answer. It used to be ghosts but he seems to have moved on to demons.
5:15 – “The energy in this thing just blew my mind.”
WHAT THING? What the fuck is in this “museum”? There’s no way it’s anything authentic because he either wouldn’t have access to this shit or the shit doesn’t exist. So why the “energy”? Energy from your shitty replicas?
5:45 – “These items that I have are the avatars for darkness.”
I think that that pretty much confirms that these are just replicas. He calls replicas “avatars for darkness.” Most people just call it “cheap bootleg crap.”
Then he ends the video by telling you to get the book. He wanted to make it as “affordable as possible.” Which is twenty bucks, apparently. Pretty steep for a 150 page book.
Top comment is: “Saying this with love; I’m worried about you and your mental state.”
So we go to Amazon using his affiliate link and thereby giving him a penny. The book is only available as a paperback. Not digital.
There was no reason he couldn’t make this digital. He did this to make piracy less easy, I guess, but who the fuck was going to bootleg this fucking shit?
No reviews.
There are a few sample pages available.
So it starts with SonicChu, which is some medallion that Chris Chan wore. I don’t know or care anything about this or Chris Chan but fortunately, Chris BORES gives a very libelous introduction.
“Anyone who watched his videos, could see that he suffered from a severe case of autism. He showcased himself almost daily and put his disability on display for all to see.”
And it only gets worse from there. I like towards the end he says, “Chris Chan would soon form a condition known as Cognitive Dissonance.”
Cognitive dissonance is a phrase that I’ve used…well, let’s check…five times on the blog. It’s not a mental disability. It’s not a diagnosis. It’s not capitalised either. It’s something that everybody experiences. You hold two conflicting views on a subject and it makes you feel uneasy because you can’t reconcile the views.
Like when PVC Bondage Guy eats a fried chicken the size of her head despite the fact that she’s supposed to be getting in shape for her wrestling “career.” She knows full well head-sized chicken products are not healthy and are going to lead to weight gain but she justifies it to herself by saying, “I’m in the ‘bulking’ phase of my diet.”
Politically. Somebody might think that voting is pointless (which is true) but they vote anyway because it’s their “civic duty.” The two things can’t both be true. Why would it be your “civic duty” to do something that’s pointless. But that’s the argument. This cognitive dissonance leads to feelings of unease. That’s all it is. It’s not a mental health problem like Chris BORES thinks it is.
You believe in ghosts and demons but your “proof” is that your golf cart broke down momentarily while on vacation. You need more proof than that. You’re basing your entire Youtube “career” on ghosts and demons being real but the universe is conspiring against you by offering absolutely no proof of the existence of ghosts and demons. So it leads to an unpleasant feeling. That’s cognitive dissonance. Big fucking deal, you fucking retard conman.
So that’s Chris’ book and traveling sideshow of cheap crap and…whatever else he’s planning. I suspect that he didn’t sell a single copy of that book. How could he? Who’s buying it? The comments are 100% calling him a crazy person.
Speaking of which, let’s move on to Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen.
He’s reviewing Mountain Dew. They’ve got a new flavour. Catch it while you can.
He’s outside of the street where his movie theatre is and it’s actually interesting to me because I checked this street out for a previous article on Google Street View and indeed, this looks familiar.
1:15 – “I’m supposed to be getting in shape and I am down five pounds, getting rid of the double chin a little bit. It’s also the angle that I shoot at.”
This is all a reference to a throw away line that I wrote here:
I mentioned that he has a double chin. Now he has a complex about it.
I wish that he would take the more substantive stuff that I say about him to heart. About being a giant asshole and whatnot. But he’s so vain and self-obsessed that THIS is what he focuses on. This superficial bullshit.
Although, I am pleased that Newt had to read through my multi-paragraph rant against the US in order to get to that double chin comment. He’s reading about the Powel Memorandum and how the US is a nation built on gun-loving cowards and H L Mencken and whatnot and he’s stroking his double chin and thinking, “Oh, fascinating. I’ll have to look into that.”
Just like with this article, Newt had to read all about cognitive dissonance before he got to the juicy part about himself. It’s like I’m punishing him with knowledge. If you want to get to the narcissistic goodness, you must first suffer through my off-topic rants.
Anyway, Newt lost five pounds while sucking down the sodas. Well, good for you, Newt. People gain and lose five pounds on a regular basis. It’s the normal fluctuation of weight in human beings owing to changes in fluid retention. Give us an update when you lost twenty pounds.
And get fucking PVC Bondage Guy in on this weight lose journey. It’s totally irresponsible to let that transmasc individual continue to balloon like that.
This isn’t entirely on point but I was just suddenly reminded of fat lesbians. I had a neighbour who was married to a guy and she had a couple of kids. My sister used to babysit for them. This woman apparently struggled with her weight when she was younger but I only knew her as a fairly slim woman. She talked about food all the time, though, and her kids were overweight because she fed them too much.
Then she got divorced. Almost immediately she gained, I’m not even exaggerating, two hundred pounds. She went from, whatever, 150 pounds to 350 pounds. Like overnight.
Then she got a butch girlfriend. The girlfriend was bigger than she was.
So they’re at my house, they’re sitting on my mother’s three seater sofa, and it’s just the two of them. Nobody else can fit on that sofa. And you hear the sofa creaking. And my mother is looking uncomfortable, just waiting for it to collapse. And this butch lesbian is ranting against this woman’s ex-husband and men generally and god knows what.
Last I checked, her son is HUGE and works as a truck driver in Texas. And she lives with him in a trailer. The butch girlfriend is long gone. I’m thinking that she’s also still enormous.
Anyway, back to grifting. The Music Man. I’ve posted this clip before but it can be enjoyed on many levels. The one you see most often in the comments is, “What the fuck? Gary is a shithole. If this guy ever sang this in Gary today, he’d be shot.”
But the deeper enjoyment is much more fulfilling. The guy is a grifter in the early 20th century. Even at the time, Gary wasn’t a great place to live. And the “facts” he’s giving about Gary are all wrong. That’s the joke. He’s conning this town into buying band uniforms or some shit.