Oh my god. This? THIS is what she’s been teasing for months? THIS is her grand masterpiece that’s taken her six months to make? THIS is the video that she’s been talking about how great the SCRIPT is? This fucking cookie cutter, bland, bullshit from her tedious, lazy “series” that she stole from JOHN RIGGS where she just gives the Wikipedia descriptions of the games made from a particular developer for a particular console?
FUCK YOU!
No matter how low Erin seems to sink in terms of creative bankruptcy, she always seems to top herself. This is fucking unbelievable. Does anybody give a fuck about these games much less Erin’s mindless “opinion” on the games based on her playing these games for five minutes on stream, for money? NO!
But let’s check it out. And bear in mind that this is SCRIPTED. She tweeted about how she was working on the SCRIPT for this video. It went through multiple revisions. So it’s got to be good, right? This is six months in the making. This is going to be the best Color Dreams video of all time. For the six people who give the slightest of fucks about Color Dreams.
Maybe she just chose this because the company has the word “color” in it and she got excited. “Hey, there’s going to be hues. Let’s check it out.”
0:00 – What in the name of fuck is she wearing?
Before we continue, I’d like to reiterate my complete bamboozlement that Mike allows any of this to happen under his roof. He must see the videos before they’re released. He must see the process. Why doesn’t he offer to help? Does he offer but Zombie Gums refuses? Because he knows full well that this is all shit.
I’m not even one second in. All Mike had to say was, “Hey, Erin, don’t wear that. Whatever the fuck you’re wearing, go change. To anything. Just not that. For the love of Christ, what are you thinking?” Problem solved.
So…god fucking damn it. I don’t even know what she’s wearing. Some blue leopard skin full body suit. And a bunch of necklaces. How did she possibly think that this was a good idea?
She’s in her filming little…room. Garfield poster in the background about his contempt for computers. She’s a big Garfield fan, guys. A little Sears poster for some reason. And some Britney Spears fucking bullshit. Fuck off.
“Welcome back to another episode of Erin Plays. This time, I’m going to be looking at Color Dreams games and there are a ton of them.”
Eugh. Thirty fucking minutes of this trash.
0:15 – “These games always stuck out in the NES library because of the colour of the cartridges.”
Unbelieveable. Fifteen seconds in and she’s talking about colours. Like anybody gives a fuck. Mike…CHECK THE FUCKING SCRIPT OF THIS THING before it goes into “production”. “Erin, colours, we get it. Nobody cares. Maybe we can talk about something more interesting.” That’s all you had to say, Mike. You can’t keep this fucking moron under control?
“They either came in baby blue or black while most NES games were obviously gray.”
WHO CARES? FUCK OFF. YOU’RE A FUCKING RETARD.
Bear in mind that this was SCRIPTED. She wrote all of that out. She wants us to know about the colours. That’s central to this whole video.
0:45 – Wikipedia description of how the company called themselves Bunch Games for later titles.
1:00 – Menace Beach. “The colours are vibrant with pops of neon.”
SHE WROTE THIS.
Think about what’s happening here. Imagine yourself sitting down to review a game. Maybe for a school assignment or something because what adult does this? So you’re in the fourth grade and the assignment is to review a video game. Let’s say, I don’t know, Punch Out.
“Punch Out is an NES boxing game but interestingly, it plays kind of like a puzzle game. You have to figure out the patterns of increasingly difficult opponents and dodge and punch accordingly. You can punch high or low with an extra powerful uppercut punch being earned through skilled play. You face a variety of enemies from all over the world as you climb the ranks, eventually leading to a showdown against Mike Tyson himself.”
You want to know when colours would come into my review. NEVER. But it’s the FIRST THING that fucking retard Zombie Gums talks about. Because she knows absolutely jack shit about video games. She CAN’T do a review without mentioning colours because it’s ALL THAT SHE KNOWS.
“Of course you start out on the beach because it’s 1990 and everything was very…beach.”
THIS WAS SCRIPTED!
There’s a clip of a Barbie commercial where she’s on the beach to illustrate her point. Oh sure. 1990, where everything was “beach”. You remember 1990? You remember going to the beach?
No. I don’t, Erin. I grew up in the Midwest. 1990 was no different from any other year in terms of beachness. There was none. What the fuck is her problem?
There’s the commercial she used, by the way. 1989. Go fuck yourself.
Had she said 1989 was “very…beach” I’d be with her 100%. I was at the beach every fucking weekend. But by 1990? Fuck off. The beach was totally played out. Beaches were a fad. The world had moved on.
1:15 – “I even like the name of the name of the game: Menace Beach. Being a play on Venice Beach? It’s cute.”
Erin was sitting down at her computer, hunched over it, her fingers flying as she was writing this script. And THIS is what she came up with.
This is the script that she’s so proud of. Let me look for this tweet that she wrote.
“The video I’ve been working on 4ever is DONE! It’ll be out soon. I know I said I’d release smaller vids 1st to get “back in the algorithm” (if that’s even a thing) but fuck it. I don’t want to sit on it. I’m so proud of it and it was so much fun to make! so it will prob bomb lol”
In what universe would THIS video be at all successful? But she’s proud of it. She read that line about how the name Menace Beach was similar to Venice Beach and therefore “cute” and then gave a chef’s kiss and said, “Erin, you magnificent bastard, you’ve done it again.”
For the life of me, I can’t fathom a universe where ANYBODY would think that this is good. But she’s typing this shit, fully scripted, and proud of it. She thinks that this is going to knock everybody’s fucking socks off. “Boy, when the masses hear my views on colours, minds are going to be blown. This is some revolutionary shit right here.”
3:15 – After some absolutely bizarre bullshit that I won’t even get into, Erin says, “I just noticed that it says ‘Meanwhile at Demon Dan’s’. Who is Demon Dan? Anyway…”
And then she just moves on. Don’t bother doing any fucking research, Erin. Or, I don’t know, playing the game.
https://bootleggames.fandom.com/wiki/Menace_Beach
“According to the game’s instruction manual, the player controls Scooter, a skateboarding hero whose girlfriend, Bunny, has been kidnapped by Demon Dan.”
Done. Two seconds of research. Demon Dan is the antagonist of the game. Erin didn’t know this.
3:30 – “In this case, the main enemy is an Elvis impersonator, which, again, makes sense for Venice Beach.”
Earlier in the video, she said that ninjas and clowns, earlier enemies, aren’t seen at Venice Beach so it makes sense that they’d be at Menace Beach. That made no sense but am I supposed to comment on every stupid thing that Erin says? I’d comment on every fucking sentence. But here she’s saying that Elvis impersonators make sense for VENICE Beach. How? There are Elvis impersonators there?
3:45 – “That is where I almost always turn it off because it drives me absolutely insane.”
She’s suggesting that she plays this game regularly (clearly a lie) and turns it off because this Elvis impersonator on the second level just so enrages her. Does any of that make sense? This woman sat down and SCRIPTED this.
For a lark, let me look up “venice beach” and “elvis”. Maybe there are Elvis impersonators there. What do I know?
Well, there’s one. Is this a normal thing? I have no idea. We’re supposed to be familiar with the California beach scene? Fuck off.
And that’s the end of that “review”. She was so pissed off at this Elvis impersonator in the game, which she said MADE SENSE, at least in the context of VENICE Beach, that she didn’t want to play any more. And this is something that she regularly does. She fires up her NES, puts Menace Beach into the slot, gets to level two and says, “Elvis impersonator? That makes sense for Venice Beach. But I don’t want to play any more.”
4:00 – So we’re moving on to Baby Boomer. How much would you like to bet that she talks about colours, cute things, and then ends the game after the first level or two with some nonsensical excuse?
5:00 – “There also appear to be clouds of urine that you shoot repeatedly until you make a bridge made out of frozen urine. Seriously, could they have chosen a worse shade of yellow?”
Ding! Colours!
But let’s talk about colours. I would describe the shade of that cloud as green, not yellow. And to further illustrate my point that it’s green, when the cloud flashes, it clearly turns DARK green.
I wonder if there’s any way to prove what colour we’re all looking at. Like an app that detects colours.
Oh, I know what I can do. I’ll take a screenshot and then do a colour grab in Paint or something.
Hmm…Paint describes that colour as “dark yellow.” I’d like to get the RGB for this, though. Let’s get a second opinion.
194, 206, 1
Just so we’re all on the same page here, this is the colour:
Let’s see what Google describes that colour as.
https://www.htmlcsscolor.com/hex/CCCC00
They describe the colour as “La Rioja”. Where does that get us? I have to learn fucking Spanish now?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Rioja
A municipality in Spain. Do we need all of this? Is is green or yellow? That’s all I want to know.
https://encycolorpedia.com/cccc00
“Medium dark shade of yellow-green“
Fine. I’ll take it. My point stands. If you’re peeing that colour, see a doctor immediately.
Then she moves on after that revelation that she pisses green. I don’t even think that she played one level.
By the way, I’m not a doctor but dark urine is an indication that you’re not getting enough fluids. Urine should be fairly clear in colour. Maybe Erin has some sort of urinary tract infection. Does the urine have a strong odour? Shishi, were he still alive, would want to know.
5:30 – Castle of Deceipt. How much have I written so far? I got off track talking about Zombie Gums’ fucking disgusting green piss. Jesus Christ, I’ve already written enough for a full article. And that’s with me skipping a pretty big chunk. I’ll go to ten minutes. Do this in three parts. This is Erin’s big return to Youtube, after all. It warrants a multi-part treatment.
5:30 – “I’ve stumbled into playing this game a few times in my life.”
Yeah. On stream, for money. That’s not “stumbling”, you fucking smelly-pissed, zombie-gummed, retard.
5:45 – “Speaking of wizards, isn’t that Gandalf’s hat?”
What? Isnt’ Gandalf a wizard? She’s talking about a wizard character having a wizard’s hat. Gandals is a wizard, right? Let me look this up.
Yeah. He’s a wizard.
So Erin is surprised to see that a WIZARD has the hat of a WIZARD. She wrote this all out. It was scripted. Rewrites were made.
Wizard. Now I’m just thinking of “wiz” and Erin’s green piss.
“At least that’s what I’ve gathered from the amount of time that I’ve been able to stick with this game.”
Which is nothing. You played it, at best, on stream, for money. Briefly.
And she’s admitting, not to that specifically because she never does, but to the fact that she only played the game briefly. So…why should we give a fuck about her opinion about the game? She doesn’t know anything about it, as she’s clearly telling you.
6:30 – She’s talking about the doors in the game. Repeatedly. And the doors are green. Like the colour of a green crayon.
Now, she doesn’t mention the colour of the doors, somewhat surprisingly. But all I can think is, “What if somebody was peeing that colour? The colour of a green pea?” How green does your pee have to be before the average person says, “I better get this checked out”? For Erin, La Rioja isn’t quite green enough. She’s standing up after taking a piss, looking in the toilet, and saying, “Eh, it’s probably nothing.”
6:45 – Shout out to the “purple cigarettes up top”. We got a two for one in Erin’s repertoire of comedy. Colours AND “X looks like Y”. And in this case, Erin thinks that cigarettes have a filter on BOTH ENDS.
“And when you die, you turn into a vagina.”
Erin, please. I’ve thought about you urinating enough for a lifetime.
“I like how all of a sudden here I’m fighting a giant fly in a totally different perspective and that was actually kind of fun.”
Oh. So exactly like Contra. You remember Contra, right, Erin? It was your first video on Youtube, I believe.
In case you haven’t seen that video, it’s worth seeking out. She uses some GameShark or whatever code that gives her a life EVERY TIME SHE KILLS SOMETHING. Let me repeat this. She kills an enemy, she gets a life. So you quickly rack up lives with this ridiculous code. Because you’re constantly killing enemies. It’s basically an infinite life code.
Nevertheless, she was so fucking bad at this game that I thought she was going to run out of lives. She gets to a point where she dies REPEATEDLY without killing anything.
7:00 – The Adventures of Captain Comic. Oh, by the way, she only played that last game…well, she got to part that was a different perspective so assuming that was another level, she MAYBE got to level three. But I suspect that this was all just level one.
7:15 – “Bright green worms.”
I’m not doing it any more. Just insert your own urine reference here.
7:30 – “The music is the most generic bit of nothingness..”
Oh the irony. ERIN, the queen of generic nothingness, is calling out a game for doing the same. At least the people who made that game aren’t pissing green. Probably. I don’t know.
Let’s see what A. R. Henderson is up to these days. His named appeared in the credits in a lot of these games so far, a fact that Erin didn’t bother to catch. She was too busy looking at colours.
I’m not seeing anything. What about Michael Denio, the programmer.
https://www.angelfire.com/realm/thewarpzone/denio.html
There’s an interview on an Angelfire site from probably 25 years ago but they don’t ask any important medical questions.
Another site says that he works at Texas Instruments now but who knows how old that information is. He’s surely retired by now.
Here’s a project that I’d like to complete some day. Assemble a bunch of game designers, artists, and musicians of retro games. Rent out the banquet room at the Holiday Inn or something. Give them each an opportunity to talk about what it was like working in the industry back then, how their lives have turned out, what they’re doing now, et cetera. Have an audience. Film it. Put it on Youtube. Whatever. Let these people know how much their work is appreciated. Because these are all old men now. They’re not going to be around forever.
Then I’d get out a range of colour swatches, spread them out across the table, and say, “Gentlemen, which colour most closely matches the colour of your urine?”
8:00 – Challenge of the Dragon. Erin played almost nothing of that previous game. Again. That’s going to be a theme here. In fact, I’m not even going to say it any more. Just assume that she barely played any of the game unless I say otherwise.
8:15 – “It’s a side-scroller where you continuously walk right while fighting guys.”
So…like the vast majority of side-scrollers. What a moron.
8:30 – Extended idiocy about the character’s attire and how stylish it is.
8:45 – “The hearts up top are totally from Zelda 1.”
Maybe? These could be any hearts. There are only so many ways to make a heart given the limited pixel allowance. In any event, this was a Mike reference which only makes things more baffling. If he has a hand in these videos, why…why didn’t he rewrite the whole fucking thing? This is pure trash.
9:00 – “I wonder what the inside of Suzette’s looks like.”
She’s got absolutely nothing to talk about. It’s all colours, clothes, and background shit. And she plays these games for five minutes absolute maximum.
This took her SIX MONTHS to make.
9:15 – “Even the colour schemes get switched up, which I appreciate. This one features a lot of bright pinks and greens, which I wasn’t expecting for a game like this.”
Colour reference number…I don’t know…five so far. In nine minutes, she managed to talk about colours FIVE TIMES. Who is this for? Who gives a shit about colours?
AND THIS WAS ALL WRITTEN OUT. Mike was sitting there with his reading glasses on, casually swirling a glass of sherry with one hand, and nodding enthusiastically as he’s reading the tenth draft of this script as Erin sits nearby nervously awaiting his feedback. Mike says, “I love the colour references, dear. It’s sure to bring in the oft overlooked retard demographic. Butt sex later?”
I’m at the ten minute mark. Just another completely shit, pointless non-review from Zombie Gums.
It’s totally beyond me. She’s PROUD of this video. It’s six months of work. How is it any different from the trash that she’s been excreting for the past 5+ years? The shirt? Okay, the shirt is definitely different. But is that enough in her mind? “I’m really proud of his bizarre shirt that I’m wearing?”