2:45 – It starts with some tattooed douchebag with his cap on backwards teasing the upcoming discussion which will involve a corpse conducting his own funeral and a ghost cow. This better be conducted in a sarcastic fashion. If this is given any credence whatsoever, this is going to be ridiculously stupid.
Speaking of ridiculously stupid, our old friend Crystal “Horseface” Quin is in this one. Maybe they brought her on to lend her expertise on farm animals. Horse. Cow. Zing! I don’t know. She’s so fucking insufferable.
This is a Zoom call. The two guys have a channel where they do THIS every week and the videos rarely get over a thousand views. Hometown Ghost Stories. Who’s the market for this? Retards? Who over the age of ten believes in GHOSTS?
So anyway, we’ve got the two hosts of the show, Bearded Faggot with a Backwards Baseball Cap #1 and Bearded Faggot with a Backwards Baseball Cap #2. For brevity, I’ll just call them “Fag 1” and “Fag 2.” And then we’ve got Horseface as the guest.
Fag 1 says that they don’t have “Jessie” today. This must be the third host. Let’s see who this man or woman is. If it’s a man, odds are they’ll have a beard and a backwards baseball cap.
Believe it or not, yes. It’s a guy. It’s a guy with a beard and a backwards baseball cap. Unbelieveable. Why did they all go with the exact same look? Don’t they know how ridiculous this looks?
3:30 – Fag 1 says, “Crystal, have you been up to anything spooky since the last time you were on?” Horseface says, “No.”
GREAT CHAT, HORSEFACE.
“I’m in Florida now. Just moved in August and it’s been very summery all year round and it hurts my soul.”
Well, that was spookily boring, I guess. Florida is warm, shocker. Why this upsets her, who the fuck knows or cares?
“Pumpkin spice just doesn’t taste the same.”
Fuck off. Bring on the cow spectres.
https://www.patreon.com/hometownghoststories
There’s the Patreon. Three hundred members. What the fuck? Can you join for free? Oh, you can. That makes more sense then. How many of these 300 are paying? Has to be less than 10%, right?
4:30 – So they get to the first headline. “This is from 1910.”
Hardly “news”, is it?
So Fag 1 reads the article, poorly, and then they talk about how preposterous it all is. So at least they’re not taking this seriously. But…what they’re saying isn’t remotely funny.
Shitting on articles from over a century ago that are clearly untrue isn’t really fodder for comedy. Or if it is, they’re not mining any gold out of it.
It would be like looking at old National Enquirer articles from the 1970s about aliens or Elvis sightings (after he died) or whatever. I guess that it COULD be funny and/or interesting, but you’d have to have people who have funny and/or interesting things to say. And these bearded fags and their backwards baseball caps aren’t it.
Couldn’t they at least Google this guy’s name to see if anything comes up? Maybe he’s on Find a Grave.
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/17795345/francis-marion-buffenbarger
Yeah, indeed. This is it. The article was about Ohio and that’s the guy. Fag 1 said that the article was from 1910 but this guy died in 1912. So that alone raises some questions.
The article in Find a Grave explains what happened. It was a guy who conducted his own “funeral” while he was still alive. Big deal. That’s the story. Let’s move on. This was nothing to do with ghosts.
8:30 – Horseface is checking her messages on her phone. What a piece of shit.
Oh my god. Then they just move on. All that happened is that Fag 1 read the story and then Fag 2 said, “I don’t understand this” while Horseface played on her phone. THAT’S IT.
They didn’t spend the two fucking seconds that I did to investigate this. It was just an old guy conducting a mock “funeral” for himself. Who cares? But tell your six retarded viewers what actually happened. It wasn’t a “corpse”. There’s nothing spooky about any of this. It was a bored, lonely old man who wanted to conduct his own “funeral” while still alive.
9:15 – So after that complete NOTHING, Fag 1 moves on to the next article, which is from 1920. And it’s nothing to do with ghosts. It’s about not being able to mail people. And the article references mailing fish, which Fags 1 and 2 and Horseface seem perplexed by. “Who mails fish?”
HOW DO YOU THINK THE FISH IN THE RESTAURANT OR IN THE GROCERY STORE GOT THERE, YOU FUCKING CRETINS? They’re thinking like putting a cod in an envelope and going to the post office. They’re complete fucking retards. We’re talking about SHIPPING. The fish are put into crates or something, loaded onto trucks, loaded onto trains, and SHIPPED.
And in any event, as these people freely admit, this has NOTHING to do with ghosts or any “spooky” stuff. The only thing “spooky” here is their zombie-level intelligence.
11:30 – Then they just move on again. After a complete nothing of a conversation over this complete nothing article. Fag 2 said that he got frozen beef shipped to him from Japan and then that’s it. That’s the discussion. He got beef in the mail so he thinks, “Well, that’s okay, but I still don’t want frozen fish.” Still nobody understanding what the word “mailed” means in this context.
Fucking awful. These people are idiots. The backwards baseball caps was my first clue.
So this next article is from 1897. Let’s see how many seconds it will take me to explain this “spooky” article while these morons talk about nothing.
There’s a “super chat” or something. Nanci says, “I’ve ordered life (sic) fish through the mail.”
Great stuff. These are the people watching this shit. IMBECILES.
So the story is about a man with mental illness and Horseface keeps making annoying faces every time the phrase “coon hunting” comes up. I guarantee 100% that she thinks that this is a racist term. No idea that this is referring to raccoons.
So Fags 1 and 2 suggest that it’s rabies and Horseface agrees. Great so…what is this? So far they have ZERO ghost articles.
14:00 – I live in hope. The next article is from 1898. Guy killed himself and Fag 1 said “unalived” rather than “killed himself.” WHERE ARE THE GHOST STORIES, BOYS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I’ll give them one more chance.
Fag 2 actually pointed out the obvious thing that I was thinking when Fag 1 kept expressing confusion as to why there was a casket in this guy’s house. There was no life insurance and so people would be more prone to buy a casket while they’re still alive so as not to burden their family with the expenses.
17:15 – Next article. Fag 1 says that he laughed at this one so I’m not expecting a ghost story here. It’s from 1913. Somebody with the name of “O. Dammit” wants their name changed. Well, I’m done. I’m just going to watch the rest of this section to see if anybody mentions the OBVIOUS hole in this story of, “Who the fuck refers to themselves by their first initial?”
Then bonus points for anyone who mentions F Scott Fitzgerald or J Edgar Hoover but those are people who used the first initial combined with their middle name. Because they presumably preferred their middle name. This was something that wasn’t that uncommon in the American South and is perhaps still practiced. But somebody with a name like “O. Dammit” would OBVIOUSLY not do this. They’d use their first name. Ollie. Problem solved.
And his name is Orlando. So it’s right there in the article. Surely, somebody will point out how little sense this makes.
Well, they mentioned that his name was in the article and so at least his name wasn’t “O. Dammit” but they don’t point out that this completely destroys the logic of the article.
And then Fag 1 talks about a football player with the name Charles (or something) Otton (or something) and how this makes his uniform say “C. Otton” or “cotton.” Fag 1 then denounces this guy’s parents for doing something so terrible. FOR DOING WHAT? Giving him a normal name when their last name is “Otton”? How were they to know that their son would become a professional football player and the jerseys use the person’s first initial and last name? And even if they were armed with that knowledge, what’s the big deal about having “cotton” on your jersey?
This is awful. Where would I place this? I think that it’s better than the Cinemassacre Podcast but worse than Pam aka CannotBeTamed’s podcast that she does with her lesbian friend, Point and Drink Adventure.
Ooh, what about Zap Cristal’s podcast? Where would I rank that? God, that one must be the worst of them all. Worse than the Cinemassacre Podcast. At least the Cinemassacre Podcast could be enjoyed ironically.
Hack the Movies…as boring as it is, and it’s definitely boring, I’d probably put it above all of these other podcasts. He just summarises the movie but…if you’re into movie summaries, that’s the podcast to go to. I’d rather listen to that then fucking Pam and her girlfriend discussing their wine of the week.
Pegwarmers…it was perfectly watchable back when he was doing it in the Screenwave studio but once he moved to his basement and stopped having guests, that was it. I don’t want to listen to this guy talk about his favourite GI Joe’s from 1988. So I’d place current Pegwarmers…well, actually, even in its current form, it might be the best podcast of them all. Yeah, I’ll put Pegwarmers at the top just in terms of what I’d actually want to listen to, if forced to listen to one of these things.
But yeah, Hometown Ghost Stories…absolutely horrendous. Mercifully, Horseface didn’t say much. But why would I want to listen to bearded idiots with their hats on backwards talking about NOTHING for 75 minutes? They obviously put no effort into any of this. They did no research at all. They didn’t even have basic insights into how society functions. And their ancedotes were irrelevant and uninteresting.
How long have they been doing this? Three years. So this is them with three years of experience. This is not going to work out. Straighten your hats out and go do something with your lives.
Horseface actually advertised this.
Nobody replied. Not even the horntards could get behind this trash.
“Here I am with a hot chick. That makes me hot by proxy, right?”
To the contrary, Horseface. It only shines a bigger spotlight on just how unattractive you are by comparison.
Horseface is wearing her half a top as usual. Now that she’s in Florida, she can wear her half a top year round. What a treat for those people.
One of the horntards asks if Horseface was drinking alcohol. Horseface says that she was not but that her friend had a lot of liquor in her drink. I can understand that second part. Listening to Horseface’s tedious, self-obsessed bullshit probably requires a lot of alcohol. But the fact that Horseface was so eager to point out that she’s not drinking suggests a drinking problem. A person without an alcohol problem is able to drink socially but alcoholics have to completely abstain.
“Producer/Actor/Personality.” That’s Horseface’s description. A woman with maybe the most off-putting personality ever is trying to make a living by her personality. Good luck with that.