Let me just try to get through this. It’s the third in his trilogy of reviews and I covered the previous two so…for the sake of completeness. Besides, PVC Bondage Guy is in this one. I can see if she’s done with the seemingly neverending “bulking” phase of her workout regime.
0:00 – I don’t think so. She’s drinking a soda and not looking any slimmer. I don’t care if it’s diet. Just water. That’s all that she should be drinking. Enough with the “bulking”, it’s time for the “cutting.”
0:15 – “I was saying that it’s Pride Month so it’s 28 Queers Later, and it’s the long-awaited sequel to 28 Gays Later.”
PVC Bondage Guy laughs at this unbelievably childish half-joke, just another unfunny pun that even diminishes the low status of puns. But I refuse to believe that she actually finds any of this funny. How can she? How can anyone? She’s laughing to be polite but she needs to speak up. Newt, this shit is not funny. You’re not funny. And you can’t write for shit. Why is nobody telling this guy this stuff? These aren’t friends. This is what happens when you surround yourself with prostitutes and pay them for their company. They just agree with whatever you’re saying.
There were people telling Newt that his ideas are all shit and that he can’t write. Ryan Schott, Justin Silverman, probably Tony from Hack the Movies. So it’s not just me. Anyone with a functioning brain will reach this conclusion. But Newt refuses to accept reality so surrounds himself with prostitutes so that he can continue to live in his delusional bubble.
Then a long story about Newt having to urinate. What the fuck is this? Who cares?
There’s a fly in the car that they keep getting distracted by. Open the fucking window. What’s wrong with you retards?
Then a security guard asks them to leave.
7:45 – So they’re in Newt’s apartment now.
I’m ten minutes in and I don’t think that anything is going to happen. Newt is just summarising the movie now. I don’t want to watch this for another thirty minutes.
What does PVC Bondage Guy do with the rest of her time? There’s the wrestling, I guess. And she works, wherever, some factory or something. I suppose that doesn’t leave much time for anything else. It seems a shame that she spends her precious free time with this fucking loser.
She needs to find a gym buddy. Somebody who’s going to take her exercising seriously. Not weight lifting. Fuck that. She needs straight up exercise. She needs to lose 100 pounds.
What’s a hip exercise class? Are they still doing Zumba? Oh my god. Maybe they are.
https://phillydancefitness.com/zumba/
And look at the size of those women. Holy shit. It doesn’t seem to be working. Why would they use giant fat chicks to advertise this?
“Forget about the workout — Join the PARTY!”
Exactly. There’s fun to be had.
There are classes Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, so it must be well-attended. They also stream the classes if you don’t want to attend in person.
It seems insane to me that Zumba is still around. What about Tae Bo?
“A lot of people, when they hear Tae Bo, they say, ‘Oh, that was done a long time ago,’ ” Billy Blanks tells PEOPLE. “But it’s still one of the most popular exercises that people do.”
Well, I’m not sure if Billy Blanks, the creator of Tae Bo, is entirely impartial.
There’s a Tae Bo Philadelphia Facebook group but it hasn’t been updated since 2020, it’s unofficial, and it only has 60 members.
What else? Jazzercise?
Well, let’s not be ridiculous. We have the exercise. Zumba. Classes in Philadelphia. They also have ballet classes, Bollywood, burlesque and strip tease? And it’s the same fat chicks in the picture. No thanks. Contemporary. Ooh, Dance Party Boot Camp. That sounds…great. Hip-hop, jazz, something called “piloxing”. A boxing thing, maybe. Pilates. Tap. Hey, tap dancing might be good.
Prices are a little…confusing. It’s $85/month for unlimited classes but I don’t think that this includes ballet for some reason and you have to commit to the full year. So that’s bullshit. I think it’s $125/month for unlimited classes, cancel any time. But again, no ballet for some reason. Well, fuck ballet. PVC Bondage Guy isn’t interested in ballet. She’s there for the Zumba. And maybe the Dance Party Boot Camp.
I don’t know. It seems like a lot of money. Is this a viable business? How many people are doing this?
Oh, there’s also an official Zumba app. It’s $14.99/month AND $8.25/month. No explanation about what these fees are for. Why are there two? You can’t get just one. So why not list it as a single price? Oh, you have to pay $99 up front (that’s the $8.25 for the year) and then $14.99/month on top of that. What complete fucking bullshit. Not worth it. To watch Zumba videos at home? You can watch Zumba videos for free on Youtube, presumably.
Oh, this is HELLA gay. Where are the sexy ladies? “Latin dance”? Not a “Latin” lady to be found.
What is this shit? Why is it always some gay MAN leading the dance? Get him the fuck out of there. I just want to see sexy latinas shaking their asses.
Newt finished the video, by the way. Did he like the movie? Oh god, I was barely paying attention. Let’s just say “yes.”
This is more like it. Although, it’s just a “short”. But imagine fucking 250 pound PVC Bondage Guy doing this. Well, I don’t want to discourage her. We all have to start somewhere. And I’m sure she can do it. I mean, she’s wrestling. She must be somewhat flexible and mobile, even in her “bulked up” state.
Anyway, it seems that there really aren’t any Zumba videos on Youtube. Other than that shit where it’s some gay men leading the “class.” So there’s a real gap in the market. PVC Bondage Guy can take those classes at Philadelphia Dance Fitness, or wherever, get good at it, do it for at least a year, and then start making instructional videos. It would be better than what she’s doing now.
It would be a hit. Maybe not in terms of viewers but as far as personal growth and creativity are concerned, it’s a homerun.
Before she starts these Zumba classes, she should take a “before” picture. And chart her weight loss journey. Then at the end, she can hold up a pair of her old trousers and say, “Can you believe I used to fit into THESE?”
Where did I see pictures like that? Jenny Craig ads? Is Jenny Craig still around?
Wow, they apparently shut down two years ago. I’m astonished that it lasted that long. Apparently, people are opting for ozempic and shit nowadays as opposed to eating right and exercising.
Anyway, good luck to PVC Bondage Guy on her weight loss journey, should she ever choose to start it. And, as always, fuck Newt.
Great article, as always, but I’m frankly confused by it. While I love it when you roast Newt and friends, you go in hard on all those gym ladies. It’s funny and fine, but why did you say this under Alfred’s blog (which, to be fair, was a little much)?
“Where was I going with this? Rating fat people for some reason. I’m opposed to all of it. Appearance is of little consequence. Cass Elliot was a fine singer. Nell Carter was a fine actress. And Hazzaween is a fine Youtuber.”
I’m not trying to be combative; I love reading this blog. I’m just curious what the thought process is here.
People generally withdraw in shock at the violence of my words, but only at first. Eventually all embrace the fat girl hate. I am vindicated.
Your complaint is about the gym ladies as opposed to PVC Bondage Guy? What did I say about the gym ladies? All I’m seeing is, “And look at the size of those women. Holy shit. It doesn’t seem to be working. Why would they use giant fat chicks to advertise this?”
I found it peculiar that a “dance fitness” company would use overweight models for their advertisinng because it suggests that the classes don’t work. I assume that they chose large women to show how “progressive” they are but maybe it’s just to encourage large women to join because large women are perhaps the target demographic for these classes.
I wasn’t commenting on the women themselves, unless I’m missing something. It was about the odd advertising decision.
As a rule, I don’t go around making fun of fat people for the sake of it. You go on Reddit and it’s, “Oh, look at Justin Silverman. He sure is a big fat guy.” That’s stupid and irrelevant. But I’m not above pointing out the existence of fat people when it’s relevant.
Or even comments about how big PVC Bondage Guy is. I could ignore it, of course. It’s not really relevant to the videos that she’s doubled in size. But it strikes me as noteworthy. Here’s a woman allegedly training to be a wrestler and her idea of building muscle mass is to sit on the sofa and eat fried chicken the size of her head.
If there’s merit in mentioning somebody’s obesity, that’s one thing. But pointing out a fat person and saying, “Hey, they’re fat” with no additional context is needlessly insulting.
I’m not complaining about the gym ladies at all, I was laughing my ass off. I was just confused.