Gamer Girls

When the video opens with this horribly saturated AI-generated femsonic, you already know it’s gonna be shit.

First off, what’s with the name? Blonde Logic? That’s an oxymoron, right?

And from the title, she’s “sulking for a switch 2.” What? There’s something off about that sentence, but I can’t put my finger on it. At first I thought it was a typo for skulking, like she’s skulking around eBay looking for one or something. But no. Sulking. And anyway, the Switch 2 wasn’t even sold out. It’s everywhere. They made millions of the damn things. It meant that all those Mexican scalpers were left holding dozens of them with nowhere to sell them at the usual huge markup prices. It was the one thing Nintendo got right—all while fucking the gaming community in the ass, of course.

But I’m not meant to be commenting on Nintendo’s evil business practices, I’m meant to be talking about this chick, playing Super Mario Kart on what is almost surely an emulator. And first thing you notice is her godawful northern british accent, which makes every word sound like it came from the mouth of a choked cat. The ‘northern’ thing is probably the other third of her personality (the first two-thirds being she has blonde hair and she’s a gamer). Now we have a complete human, or at least a facsimile thereof, onto which we may project our unsatisfied male desires… But frankly, from her other videos, I see she’s in her forties. So nothing doing.

But more to the point, why the fuck is she playing Mario Kart GP on 50cc? Is she fucking retarded? Granted the last time she probably even played this, Slipknot were still popular, but still. 50cc? Even the shittiest Mario Kart player in the world can stay in the game at 100cc. She probably never even played it. She probably watched her brothers play it or something.

And she picks Yoshi. Fucking Yoshi. Good grief.

She says how it’s a ‘tough game’. Oh really? You remember that it’s tough from that one time in 1995 when your brother handed you the controller, for 2 minutes, while he rolled a joint. I bet you she lived in a council house too. Kind of place you can’t walk a block without someone flinging a green glass bottle at you or yelling COME ON THEN LOVE, SHOW US YER KNICKERS! And through that harrowing experience, Blonde Logic learned to turn male attention into material gain…

She’s saying it’s a nostalgia overload. She almost sounds sincere. I almost believed it. With the little giggle and everything. You almost had me fooled, you minx! But then she ruins it all by heaping on blatant lies like she “put in quite a few hours on this game back in the day” Really, bitch? Then why are you playing as fucking YOSHI and why are you playing on 50cc? If horseshit had a name it would be Blonde Logic, and it would carry the same odor as her words.

Now evidently, she doesn’t know how to drift. You press the R button, you bovine dunce. You dimwit. You stooge. Even I remember that, and I haven’t played the game the same amount of time you haven’t. I didn’t even own an SNES. I was a Sega kid. And I still know more about the game than you.

Now she’s talking about the Switch 2 again. This strikes me as an appeal to the horntards. Somebody buy her a $500 device so she doesn’t have to ‘sulk’ anymore. 42 years old by the way, this woman.

She’s saying she put it on ‘easy’ (not a thing, it’s 50cc) so that she ‘wouldn’t make a dick out of herself’. Too late. You are both a dick and a cunt. At the same time. Liberals love you, for you prove their worldview correct.

The thing is, she’s not even playing that poorly. She’s way in front of every character; well no shit—it’s on 50cc. She just fucking lapped Toad. This is more boring than listening to Blonde Logic talk about her trip to Sainsburys.

Now she’s saying the capture card has audio lag so that’s why her reactions aren’t synced to the video properly. Frank told her how to fix it apparently. First of all, just shift the audio track then, dumb bitch. Secondly, who the fuck is Frank? Probably some horntard who helps her with all her technical issues for free, while she makes inane comments about how she ‘can’t do tech’. What a sack. I bet her job is like secretary or human resources. Her real job, I mean—before she started the softcore OF that is retro games YouTube.

Now we have to sit through all the transitions between stages. Good god. Just cut it. It takes ten seconds. Retard. She’s talking about editing while this is happening by the way, for the irony factor. She’s still talking about the audio being out of sync and how she has to shift it. Yeah. That’s something you can do in Premiere—you unlink audio track and hit alt+left a few times. It takes literally 10 seconds. Whereas you just spent 3 minutes talking about it. Heifer.

Now she’s on Ghost Valley, or whatever the fuck it’s called. What’s the betting she fucks up the feather jump? Not that it matters, because she’s ahead of all players, because it’s on 50cc. I know, I’m a broken record. But this hoofed livestock probably is too. I bet she’s one of those girls who says dumb shit when you’re in bed and ruins the moment. Just to open her dumb gasbag mouth. She lapped Toad again. Fuck this, I can’t watch anymore.

She doesn’t show herself at all this video, no little picture-in-picture in the corner showing her cleavage or nothing. And at first I was going to commend her on that, until I saw that on the Minecraft video she does have picture-in-picture (with caked on makeup like a whore). Then realized the real reason she didn’t do it on the Mario Kart video was because Frank wasn’t available. It’s why she put that sneaky little dig in about Frank telling her about audio editing and her having to do it herself. She wanted Frank to be a good little cuckold and do his unpaid job, not to give her advice. Give a woman a fish, that’s Blonde Logic’s motto. Fuck teaching her shit. She’s incapable of learning. It’s why, after 30 years, she’s still playing Super Mario Kart on the weakest difficulty. What a twat.

She is showing low cut in the ‘birthday gifts’ video by the way–presumably that’s the reward to the horntards for buying her shit from her Amazon wishlist. This was 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago she got a bunch of presents and now she’s whining that she doesn’t have a Switch. What a greedy orifice this person is. Also, a dumpy frump too; she looks like the kind of girl who’d have an arranged marriage and wear a potato sack on her head.

Someone put the sack back on. Stop begging for gifts, you hole.