Gamer Girls

I watched this already, it’s only two minutes, but it is shocking in it’s low quality. I mean, for a Youtube video, it’s his usual quality and it’s fine for Youtube but from what I gather, from what little information the Ideas Man gives us, this is going to be shown in a cinema before a screening of Swamp Zombies 2.

0:00 – So it starts with Newt in his living room pressing “record” on his phone, like he usually does for his videos, and then he picks up his fucking cat and says, “Say hello to the people of Australia.” And the cat meows.

Then he says, “Starting an international incident”, which I don’t understand. How is a cat meowing at all controversial? Then he sarcastically says, “Starting this video off great.”

If he knows it’s bad, which it is, WHY RELEASE IT? Unless I’m wrong, this is going to be Newt Wallen’s introduction to whatever drunks and low-lifes stumble into some sleazy cinema at midnight in some town in Australia. THIS is how he wants to introduce himself? With this totally amateur video that he did NO preparation for? He’s presenting himself as the fucking writer and director of the movie.

“How we doing uh…Perthians, Perthanites. Can you tell I did no research and I’m just winging this.”

Yes. Of course. Why not put effort in? Why is he so afraid of effort?

I’ll tell you why. Because he knows that everything he does is fucking shit. He knows that he has no talent whatsoever. So if he did something that he put effort into, people would say, “This is fucking dog shit” and that would hurt his view of himself as the fucking Ideas Man. But if he just churns out shit that he didn’t put any effort into, he has a built-in excuse. “I was TRYING to make something shitty.”

0:15 – “I like these kinds of things because I’ll hit record and just start talking and then when it’s over, my brain goes, ‘I would have never thought of that'”

This is going to be on the big screen, in Perth, as the director and writer and star of the movie introduces it.

0:30 – “Hello, everyone. I am Newt Wallen. I am the co-writer, the producer, and the ‘actor’ but I don’t think there’s enough sarcastic quotations to go around for that one.”

He made air quotes around “actor”. If the movie is shit, which it is, why even promote it? You’re just rubbing the fact that the audience wasted their money in their face.

0:45 – “I’m super excited that this film is out there and it’s playing in the Land Down Under, which is still bizarre to me. I grew up so…I’m 43 years old so I was alive in that perfect era where Australian things were like really, really popular in America.”

He goes on to talk about seeing Yahoo Serious, which was, effectively, the end of the Australian popularity in the US. What year was this?

He’s referring to Young Einstein (1988). So Newt would have been…five? Six?

This is the perfect era to appreciate the mid-1980s Australian chic? I’m a few years older than Newt and I barely remember it. How the fuck is he in the “perfect era” for this? Even by his own admission, he was five or six when the LAST Australian movie that was at all popular in the US was shown.

And he remembers this? He remembers being five and six and asking his parents to see Young Einstein? I’ve mentioned this many times over the years, in reference to this fake fucking *nostalgia* that these shit “Youtubers” invent, but I remember NOTHING from when I was five or six years old. Am I weird or are they weird?

Well, let me think about this. I remember stuff from kindergarden. You’re probably about six then. But I don’t remember anything from my home life. Maybe I just wasn’t doing anything. That’s a very real possibility.

But no, Australian chic is CLEARLY before Newt’s time. It’s before my time. When was Mad Max released? 1979? That’s earlier than I thought. But Mad Max 2 (1981) is when the franchise took off. You’d have to be at least 10 years old in 1981 to be able to appreciate the movie and the whole cultural awareness around Australia. So to make the arithmetic easy, let’s say you have to have been born in 1970 AT LEAST to be in the “perfect era” for this. That would make you 55 years old today.

And here’s another thing, WHO GIVES A SHIT about Australian chic in the US? The audience for this thing are Australians. They don’t care about your patronising bullshit about how Americans haven’t cared about Australia in 40 years. They have their own shit going on. Do you think Australians are sitting around worried about what Americans think about their country? They don’t give the slightest of fucks, just as Americans don’t care what Australians think about their country. Why should they?

And Newt clearly knows nothing about Australia. He’s getting all of his information about Australia from a shitty movie that he saw as a five year old, nearly forty years ago. I don’t think that Young Einstein was representative of Australia in 1988 and it’s certainly not representative of Australia today.

“But I grew up with Ozpoloitation films.”

A phrase that nobody has ever used. Let me look this up.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ozploitation

They attribute the first use of this term to a 2008 documentary.

“I was literally just talking about Stone and Chain Reaction the other night at work.”

Oh, sure. Those classics. Never heard of them. Let’s look this shit up too.

Stone (1974) and Chain Reaction (1980). Newt (1982) must have asked his parents to see those movies when he was still in his dad’s ball sack. That was the “perfect era” for enjoying “Ozploitation.”

Not even Newt’s parents were watching this shit. Newt’s mother was 17 when she had him so she was born in about 1965. She probably wasn’t watching Stone or Chain Reaction but okay, it’s feasible that she would have watched Mad Max and the Facts of Life season that had Pippa and whatever. Although, actually, what season was that…she surely had Newt by then. It was the final season so 1988. Same as Young Einstein.

So maybe Newt was chilling with his 22 year old mother, when he was five years old, watching the final season of the Facts of Life. Newt is whining about how his mother never says that she loves him and Mrs Wallen says, “Please, Newt, can you quiet down? I get the feeling that we’re in the final year of Ozploitation. This is my era. I want to enjoy it.”

Mrs Wallen would be right. This was her era. It sure as fuck wasn’t Newt’s.

1:30 – Newt talks about how he was “Facebook friends” with the director of Swamp Zombies 2 in 2016, and that he’s still “Facebook friends” with this guy, and this lead to Newt getting…whatever nebulous role that he got out of this.

“I was very much at a crossroads in my life. I went to film school. I wasn’t very successful there. I was part of different Youtube shows over the years but nothing really took off.”

Well, the plagiarism kind of took off.

1:45 – “I had a lot of friends who were kind of losing faith that I could ever produce a film so this movie really came about as a — not a goof but as a, ‘Oh crap, if I want to keep people in my life, I kind of really need to figure out how to make a movie really fast.”

He’s literally talking about Horseface in this thing. Horseface. His need to make a movie so that he could still hang out with Horseface. Because Horseface, like the rest of the whores he surrounds himself with, only hang out with him in exchange for money and to be in these zero budget “tits and gore” movies, almost none of which ever getting released.

Newt…the drunks in Perth who are there for this screening of an old shitty amateur movie don’t need to hear about your personal hangups in regards to HORSEFACE. It’s completely irrelevant. TALK ABOUT THE MOVIE.

Then the clip just abruptly ends mid-word. This was just the “teaser”, after all. Or “tease” as the illiterate Ideas Man says. If you want to watch the full video, up there on the big screen, of this dimly-lit video in Newt’s living room where he rambles about red-haired women who don’t talk to him anymore, you have to travel to one of the seedier areas of Perth, find the last remaining porno theatre, and pay the five dollarydoos to see the movie. Bunch of dudes in hats with those corks attached to the brim jacking each other off while Newt drones on about how unjust it was that he got fired from “that place I used to work at.”