This is sad. First of all, THERE’S NOBODY THERE. She’s giving this “speech” to an empty room.
Just look at the tables. The front two tables are clearly empty. The two behind them are empty. Off in the distance I see a bored-looking girl who maybe is attending this “conference”. The table nearest the camera looks like it has somebody there but that just might be Mr Wright Way II, who I assume is filming this abomination.
So she’s talking about “building a business”. “My name is Cristal (something) and my brand is Zap Cristal. I am an umbrella corporation that covers multiple forms of media such as podcasting, gaming. I have been a Capcom Creator Ambassador for the past five years. I’m also an XBox Ambassador for several of their campaigns as well. And we cover all sorts of topics such as life, gaming, work/life balance, parenthood…I know. I feel old.”
I don’t even know where to stop. Every word is insanity. NOBODY WATCHES HER VIDEOS. That’s the reality. She’s going to some community college to talk to impoverished people who have been failed in life about starting a business when her “business” makes NO MONEY.
I could not imagine doing some sort of a speech trying to motivate people to become better writers. “I have an umbrella corporation that covers blogs and subreddits. I cover topics like Erin Plays and Newt Wallen and jerks who I’ve known over the years.”
First question anybody would want to know: “How much money have you made doing this?” Umm…about £75, I think.
I’ve actually made more money from blogging than Zap Cristal has from Youtube. Certainly what she’s made ever since she got with Mr Wright Way II anyway, when her channel completely imploded. Youtube isn’t paying ANYTHING for these videos that get 100 views.
Wait a minute…can this be right? I’m looking this up and it says that Youtube pays between $0.01 and $0.03 per view. So for these videos that get 100 views, which is most of her videos, she’s get a dollar. That’s way more than I thought. I mean, it’s still a dollar and clearly not worth doing but take somebody like Tony from Hack the Movies who gets like 15,000 views per video and that’s…$150 to $450. That can’t be right. I was thinking that he gets like ten bucks for those videos.
So Rainman with his videos that get a million views is getting $10,000 to $30,000 per video? And he’s too fucking lazy to make any? Plus the sponsorship money?
1:00 – Now she’s talking about staying relevant. What? When has she ever been relevant?
1:30 – We get a somewhat longer shot of the scene here. The guy who was at the table nearest the camera is on his laptop and has headphones on. He’s not even listening to this shit. And all of the other tables are empty.
This is absurd. Why would she even do the talk? If I went to some engagement and was told to give a speech and there’s nobody there except one guy with headphones on, I’m calling it off. It’s just common sense.
Oh wait, no, this is a different guy. The guy who was nearest the camera is somewhat engaged. So, okay. She’s giving a speech for this one guy and that bored-looking girl from earlier. About this “business” of hers that makes pennies.
1:45 – “When I stepped into the scene, I was seen as the oddball. Who’s this girl? Does she know about games?”
NOBODY was saying that because NOBODY knows you. I’m the only person ON EARTH who pays any attention to your videos AT ALL.
But we got another brief wide shot. Let me try to pause this so I can scan the room.
This is the best screenshot I could get. There appears to be a ghostly version of Zap hovering up by the ceiling but no need to call Chris BORES. That’s just a result of the transition shot.
So we have six definite people in the audience and one…it could be a person or it could be some oily rags or something. I couldn’t tell. And that one guy is just on his laptop with his headphones on.
It’s sad as fuck. Why upload this? Why even give the speech? There’s no audience.
And what she’s saying is pure delusion. Her “umbrella corporation” does not make money. That’s not even the right use of the word “corporation”. Isn’t a corporation a specific type of business? A publicly traded business? Let me look this up.
“Corporations come in many different types but are usually divided by the law of the jurisdiction where they are chartered based on two aspects: whether they can issue stock, or whether they are formed to make a profit.”
That’s from Wikipedia. The article seems to be suggesting that issuing of shares is a requirement. There’s typically a board of directors.
Who are the Board of Directors for Zap Cristal Incorporated? Can I buy stocks? I’m short-selling that shit all day.
And those are some red trousers, Zap. They go well with your Ronald McDonald hair style. And for fuck’s sake, can we get some looser pants for this woman? I don’t want to see her crotch fat.
It’s 25 minutes of this shit. It’s insanity. What is going on that anybody even invited her to speak to begin with? I know that it’s a community college, they’re not getting Warren Buffet to do a speech, but this is irresponsible. This woman has absolutely no credentials. She’s talking out of her ass. This is not a successful business woman. This is a lunatic. You might as well have gotten the woman who yells stuff outside of the grocery store to give a speech.
2:15 – “I want to create a community where minorities can feel welcome, where regardless of your sexual orientation, regardless of your gender, regardless of your cultural background, whatever it may be, everybody can feel welcome as we create a safe environment with no judgement.”
Well, that’s marvelous BUT YOU HAVEN’T DONE THAT. THERE’S NO COMMUNITY. She has a handful of horny black dudes, that you can count with one hand, hoping to be Mr Wright Way III. That’s it. That’s her “community”. Where’s the diversity? Show me ONE woman who leaves comments on her videos?
3:00 – Now she’s talking about how she wanted people to know the person behind her “business”. BUT IT’S CLEARLY HER! WHO ELSE CAN IT BE? SHE’S THE “CORPORATION”. SHE’S THE ONE MAKING THE VIDEOS.
It’s complete insanity. She’s talking like she’s the CEO of Chase Manhattan and wants to people to know the people who run the business so that they can feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No. We KNOW who runs Zap Cristal Incorporated. ZAP CRISTAL.
3:30 – She’s talking about how she tries to get the word out so that people will want to “buy her product”. WHAT PRODUCT ARE PEOPLE BUYING? She makes shitty Youtube videos that NOBODY WATCHES. She has to talk about all of this theoretical bullshit because the reality is she doesn’t have a fucking business. So this is what she’s giving a talk on. She’s giving hollow, meaningless buzz words about how to run a theoretical business. Well, that’s great. That’s what I’m paying $3,000 a year for. To listen to this fucking lunatic.
4:00 – She says that she’s from “the island”. WHAT ISLAND? She’s in fucking Texas. There aren’t many Puerto Ricans there. People wouldn’t assume that she’s talking about Puerto Rico. Then she talks about living on “The East Coast.”
This is so fucking tone deaf. These six people have never left their fucking town. Way to connect, you dumb bitch.
Why is nobody checking her Youtube channel? 6,000 subscribers. When you see that, you should walk out. This is a crazy person. What the fuck is she going to tell you about growing a Youtube channel? She couldn’t even grow her own channel, how is she going to grow yours?
And fucking Mr Wright Way II’s annoying as fuck music plays over this entire video. Turn that fucking shit off. We want to hear every word of this speech without distraction.
5:00 – “I think the biggest mistake when we start a business is we just want to fit in.”
NOBODY THINKS THAT WHEN THEY START A BUSINESS. You open a fucking delicatessen, are you concerned about “fitting in”? What does that even mean in that context?
She’s talking about a YOUTUBE channel but she keeps making broader points about a hypothetical “business” because her channel is a completely disaster. So this is all theoretical. Theoretically, Zap’s Youtube channel is awesome and she’s making a million bucks a year. In practice, it’s a piece of shit and she’s making pennies.
And she’s saying all of this in the context of her INABILITY to grow her channel. She’s implying that her subscriber count is so low because she wasn’t chasing trends. No. It’s because your “content” is shit and nobody wants it.
So she’s there giving a speech on how to create a SHIT Youtube channel. Come on. Do we need an expert to tell us how NOT to build our Youtube channels? I think that that’s a pretty easy skill to master. Put out bad content. Done.
5:45 – She’s talking about her “niche” now but I’m too distracted by her crotch fat. That’s the niche that she should be going after. Guys who are into crotch fat. They’re got to be out there. It’s probably an underserved market.
I mean, Jesus Christ…it’s like she stuffed a pair of socks down there. John Holmes had less of a bulge than what Zap is packing.
I’m at 7:45. She’s been talking about some 3DS video that she made that was pivotal to her channel. It really blew up the internet, according to her. Let me see if I can find it.
Her 3DS video with the most views got 17,000 views but…it doesn’t seem to be the video that she’s describing. It’s about the e-shop closing. And 17,000 views? Who gives a shit. But that’s her fifth most-viewed video.
She’s been doing this for EIGHT YEARS. Eight years and six thousand viewers. Her early videos are in Spanish, oddly enough. And they seem way more interesting than her current shit. I’ll take Zap, not knowing what she’s talking about, over Zap speaking a language I understand any day.
8:15 – She says that her “community” “likes” to call themselves “The Zap Squad.”
There’s no community and nobody in this non-existent community calls themselves that. This is completely invented by her. She’s totally delusional.
What must these students be thinking? “There’s this crazy old woman up here. Maybe I should text my buddy and see if he wants to smoke a bowl.” Or maybe they’re high already. Maybe this is the only way one can appreciate a Zap Cristal lecture.
8:45 – She’s going into granular detail about the time when she streamed Resident Evil 7 on the advice of the Zap Squad. The legions of them. WHO THE FUCK CARES?
How is this going to help anybody? What can she possibly say that can help anybody? She has a Youtube channel that nobody goes to. This video that I’m talking about has 100 views after a month.
You know what I’m noticing? She doesn’t have any notes or anything. Is this all just off the cuff? Or is this, unbelievably, what she’s prepared? “I want to talk about my umbrella corporation, I want to talk about how my channel is a failure, I want to talk about hypothetical businesses, and I want to talk about the time I streamed Resident Evil 7.”
How is this ever going to help these people get a job at Walmart?
9:45 – Then she says that she became a hardcore horror game fanatic, after telling you two minutes earlier that she never played any horror games and only did this on the advice of the imaginary Zap Squad. Then she creates a strawman who says, “What do you know about about horror video games? Girls don’t know about horror video games.”
BUT THE STRAWMAN IS RIGHT! At least as far as Zap not knowing about horror games. She just fucking said that she never played any before and only got into it when she saw that there weren’t many “girls” playing these games, on stream, for money. So yes, she doesn’t know anything about horror games. She’s a fraud if she’s presenting herself as a horror game expert. Clearly. By her own admission.
10:30 – She talks about how she “cosplayed” some character from the game and from that, Capcom contacted her asking her to be an “ambassador” for them. She claims that it was a result of her “hard work” but it was CLEARLY as a result of the cosplay. That’s when they contacted her, after all. After the cosplay.
Let’s find out what an “ambassador” even does. Hopefully, she explains.
11:45 – So she said “yes” and “Here we are five years later, hosting charity streams…”
Wait…what? What happened with the ambassadorship? Now I have to fucking look this up.
“You’re basically proving your brand loyalty to Capcom, specifically Resident Evil, by essentially performing actions that advertise the franchise and keeps it on everyone’s minds. Capcom rewards those platinum level fans with things like a possible invitation to play a game in development.”
Pay: $0.
So you’re a shill. You’re a shill in exchange for no money. THIS is what she’s boasting about. THIS is success in her mind.
Then she talks about how the “creators” have grown from “all kinds of ethnicities” and “all different sexual orientations.”
Are we talking about a video game or a fucking gay orgy? Who cares about their sexual preferences or their ethnicities? How is this going to help any of these people get a job after college? Who the fuck organised this ridiculous speaker?
“Everyone can feel safe doing what they love doing.”
WHO WAS GETTING HARASSED WHILE PLAYING RESIDENT EVIL? Is it even a multiplayer game? Even if it is, how would anybody know your race or sexual preference?
12:30 – “I’m done. I’m done.”
You and me both, Zap. This is fucking unwatchable. It’s a miracle that I got this far. It’s just mindboggling that any of this happened. Who green lit this speech, who were the five or six students who decided to turn up to this thing, and why would Zap possibly think that this speech was going to be at all valuable to ANYONE?
She’s crazy. That’s clear. But she has fucking Mr Wright Way II filming this shit. How could he support these delusions? What’s wrong with him? There’s no way that he actually believes her shit. He’s just encouraging this shit because he wants a warm place to sleep every night.
I went to something like a community college. There’s a lot of apathy. Students don’t want to get involved in anything. And a big part of the problem is that the stuff that’s available is shit. “Come see a Youtuber with 6,000 subscribers talk about homosexuals and the time she streamed Resident Evil.” Yeah. No. I’m not doing that. Just give me my fucking worthless degree so that I can get out of here and get a job at Jiffy Lube.
Just out of interest, I skipped to the end to see if she took any questions from the five or six people there. It seems like one of the guys in the front left. Can’t blame him for that. But she’s talking about fucking Mr Wright Way II now. What the fuck? It’s…what’s the point of any of this? Is this just a therapy session for her? These speeches are supposed to be somehow helpful. This isn’t helpful.
24:45 – We get another view of the crowd, this time, it’s a lot more people than what the earlier shots showed. I counted 25. Two of the women are clearly on their phones, bored shitless. And there’s a black guy in the audience. He’s hoping to be Mr Wright Way III.
“I’m going to do what I want to do. If you like it, join me in my journey.”
What a fucking narcissist. Is this all this was? Self-promotion? She gave a speech trying to convince 25 people to subscribe to her dead fucking Youtube channel? These people have their own shit going on, they don’t need to deal with your shit. Take your dead Youtube channel and shove it up your ass. I don’t care what you want to do. You want to play Resident Evil, play Resident Evil, but don’t expect me to watch. You’re a complete clown. You have the hair and everything.
It’s a 35 year old woman with no job talking about her failed relationships and her failed Youtube channel with a bunch of confused college students. What the fuck is the point of this?
Twenty-five people agreed to attend this shit. Attendance must have been mandatory for some class. Who else would go? But what instructor would require this? What’s the class that this joke of a speech would pertain to?
Well, maybe it’s a psychology class. The assignment is to diagnose this woman.
Whatever happened with SupaPixelGirl’s psychology plans? She moved from Washington to…Maryland or somewhere because she had some kind of a job lined up. A job related to psychology. This was…before covid? During? It must have been before. Did anything happen with that?