Gamer Girls

She’s been working on this one for months. A lazy, zero-effort video where she flips through a catalog looking at games she’s never had from a catalog she was too young to ever have seen. Indeed, she’s not even familiar with the store, as she’ll quickly admit.

0:00 – “I really like the Electronics Boutique logo. I remember seeing…uhh…pictures of it in…uhh…old malls and it’s just neon and it looks awesome.”

Good stuff, Erin. You saw PICTURES of the LOGO. WHO GIVES A SHIT?

And she’s talking about Retail Archeology. He’s one of the beta orbiter Youtubers who talks to her. Think Joe from Game Sack but formulaic videos about dead malls instead of formulaic videos about video games.

0:15 – “I have more memories of Game Stop than I do EB Games but people older than me said that some people would call it ‘ElBo’, you know, because of the ‘Electronics Boutique’. I think that’s pretty clever and a cute little nickname for it.

Cute. Fucking adorable. God, she’s just so fucking stupid. It’s infuriating. WHY MAKE THE VIDEO? You know nothing about this place, you’ve never been there, it’s before your time, you’ve played none of the games in your spare time. Fucking stop this shit.

I’ve been suggesting that she do a video on Montgomery Wards for years so that she can talk about the “cute” nickname of Monkey Wards. When can we expect that video?

Or take a page from Kieran when he expressed disbelief that anybody called the Howard Johnson chain of hotels “HoJo”. Erin can review…I don’t know…old Howard Johnson soaps and shampoos. Do you suppose there are any on Ebay? I don’t think that Howard Johnson really exists any more.

I’m not seeing any toiletries but I am seeing an old Howard Johnson menu. Wow. Look at these prices. Forty-five cents for a crushed coffee sundae. This must be from the 1950s. Three bucks for a steak with “french fried potatoes” and tomatoe slices. Oh, and they even have a menu item called “HOJO cola”. So even as far back as this, they were calling the place Hojo. And officially. I had no idea.

See, something like this could be interesting. But you have to have something to fucking say. I mean, even this stupid fucking catalogue from 1991 COULD be interesting but fucking personality blackhole Erin Plays is going to make this interesting? There’s no fucking way. “I never had this before. This is cute. This is expensive.” Fuck off.

0:45 – There’s an offer of a free sports bag when you pre-order some game. The sample bag is red. Erin insists on telling you the colour of the bag MULTIPLE times and says that she believes that the bag that you get is red. No. The bag you receive probably looks nothing like the picture. That’s just an example you fucking cretin. They probably sent a variety of bags out. Whatever they had in stock. Or maybe they didn’t end up sending any bags out at all.

Oh fuck. Twenty-five minutes of this total banality.

Really annoying pronunciation of “Electronic”, by the way. Long “e” sound at the beginning.

1:15 – There’s an edit and she’s schooling all of us gaming noobs on the Star Wars games on the SNES. She’s a real pro, having played the games one time, on stream, for money.

1:30 – She claims that she misses “guide books”, implying that she ever owned one. Fucking nobody misses them. They were practically a required purchase for the Sierra adventure games that I enjoyed in my youth. Seven bucks or whatever for a little booklet that solved all of the puzzles in the game, including the cryptic bullshit puzzles that they intentionally included solely to sell these fucking hint books. You either used a yellow marker to “magically” reveal the answers in the book or, later, they had little red strips of…there’s a word for it but I can’t think what it is. Plastic see-through windows. You’d hold these up against the book, and it would reveal the answer. The answers were covered by red dots and the lettering was blue so by using the red window thing on them, it would only show the blue letters. I don’t quite know the science behind it.

They had that kind of method in other things but I can’t remember what. But that marker thing was in children’s travel activity books. I remember those. I’d always get some for vacations. They had different age ranges on them, always something like “From ages 7 to 77” or “8 to 88”. I don’t know what they were called. But they different games and shit that required the use of this marker to interact with them. Battleship was one of the games and there were words games I think. Shit like this.

See, this is something that COULD be said in a video to make things at least slightly interesting but Erin doesn’t have any stories like this. Because she never fucking did anything. This is all fake. She never had a hint book or a guide book or whatever she’s calling them. If she did, she’d fucking regale us with a story about them, like I just did. Instead, she just said that they were “cool” and moved on. Not even exaggerating.

Then she says that you can get an NHL watch if you pre-order some hockey game. That’s it. That’s all she says. You want to say anything about watches, Erin?

I find it mildly interesting that they’d offer a watch for pre-ordering a game. What kind of watch was it? Are they worth anything on Ebay? Let’s look this up. Have you ever owned a watch before, Erin? Have you ever watched a hockey game? Is there ANYTHING that you can contribute to this watch ad? No. Not a single fucking thing.

2:00 – She wonders what it would have been like to have been a kid when the 3D0 was being sold.

Erin…just do a video on things that YOU experienced. This is just constant fucking pandering to her horntard audience who are all about 10 years older than her. Fuck them. Talk about things that YOU like. They don’t care. They will still watch the fucking videos. They’re watching THIS for fuck’s sake. They’re watching a charisma blackhole going through an old catalogue for 25 minutes and saying NOTHING.

2:00 – Then she advertises some 3D0 video that she did. The only 3D0 game that she ever played. Briefly, for a Youtube video.

2:15 – If you send 10 Lifesavers wrappers and a receipt, you’ll get a $10 rebate from Nabisco. Now, I find this interesting and I have things that I can say about this. But let’s give negative charisma Erin a chance first.

Erin thinks that you can get ten dollars worth of Chips A Hoy with this rebate and finds this to be a puzzling promotion. It’s “random” according to her.

Not “random” at all, retard. You clearly don’t know what a rebate is and you’re unaware that Nabisco made Lifesavers. Why else would Nabisco advertise this? You fucking moron.

And a rebate isn’t a coupon so that you can buy specific products. A rebate is CASH, MONEY. They send you a fucking cheque. That’s why I found this interesting. Lifesavers were probably 50 cents in 1993. So if you buy $5 dollars worth of Lifesavers, you get $10 back, after purchasing the game. That’s a pretty good deal. Plus, you have five dollars worth of Lifesavers now.

Then she starts schooling us with her expansive video game knowledge again.

3:15 – She’s going over the prices now. $51.99 for Shinobi. She’s schooling us on how video games were always expensive.

3:30 – She’s comparing prices between the “Genesis II” and the “Gensis Core”. What’s the difference? She’s mentioned this “Genesis II” in a previous sleep-enducing catalogue stream. What the fuck is a “Genesis II”? I’ve never heard of this. Walk us through this, Erin. You’re the professional “gamer”. You should know this. Why does one model cost $30 more than the other? From the description in the catalogue, the “Genesis II” has digital and stereo sound and a “compact design”. So it was just a different model. Like the fat Playstation and the slim Playstation. But these companies were calling them different systems and trying to get away with charging more for the newer design. Right? That’s what’s happening? Tell us about it, Erin.

Of course she doesn’t. She has no idea what’s going on. She’s not even reading the descriptions. She’s just looking at the pictures and saying, “That’s cute. That’s cool. That’s expensive.”

3:45 – She’s telling us about how she “always” goes back to playing Cool Spot. This is a game in the catalogue, of course. By “always” she means, “I played it once on stream, for money.”

4:15 – She’s talking about a Dinosaurs For Hire game, based on a comic book that she never heard of. She doesn’t even realise that it is based on a comic book despite the fact that the cover of the game tells you this. Then she misidentifies a triceratops as a stegasaurus. She’s a big triceratops fan, guys.

4:30 – Now she’s on a different page and says that this particular page “blew my mind.” Let’s see what’s so mind-blowing.

A Bubsy game was $57.99 whereas Bart’s Nightmare is $49.99. That’s it. That’s what she found mind-blowing. A slight price difference, presumably due to the fact that Bubsy was a newly-released game and Bart’s Nightmare had been out for a while.

But she thinks that because Bart’s Nightmare is a superior game (which I didn’t think it is, incidently) that it should cost more than Bubsy. Because that’s how game pricing works, doesn’t it? Before a game is released, a governing body plays the game, determines how good it is, and then prices it accordingly. Good games are priced higher than poor games.

Fucking moron. All of the games followed the same basic pricing. Super Mario Bros didn’t cost any more just because it was better than Bad Street Brawler. You took a chance. New releases were all sold for $50 or whatever and the price dropped the longer the game was out. That’s how it worked.

And she seems to think that Bubsy is some obscure, shitty game. I don’t think it is. I’ve never played it but I think it’s pretty well known and at least halfway decent. There were multiple games in the series, I think.

5:00 – She’s totally bamboozled by a controller called ASCII Pad. She’s never seen the word “ASCII” before. Totally unfamiliar with ASCII art. She’d probably find it “cute” if she knew what it was. She’s a big 1990s internet fan.

5:30 – She suggests that finding an unboxed Genesis cable would be rare. Oh, sure. Probably valuable too. Who wouldn’t want a mint, in box Genesis cable? Is there anything on Ebay?

I’m not seeing that exact thing but I do see somebody selling the box only for a Genesis cable and they’re asking $15. Good luck with that.

Oh, here’s another box only Genesis cable for $15.

Here’s another one for $10. The box is pretty beat up.

So not big money and nobody is buying that shit but Erin thinks that it’s rare and probably cute.

Oh, and then she says that she looked them up on Ebay and they weren’t so expensive so probably not that rare. So she actually did something for once.

6:00 – Loooooooooooooooooooooooong, boring story about the colours of some Spider-Man game. I won’t even get into it. This woman needs professional help.

6:45 – Young Indiana Jones. Erin says that she doesn’t like any of the Indiana Jones games. Well, you only played one or two, on stream, for money, so your opinion is worthless.

And she doesn’t even mention the fact that this is a YOUNG Indiana Jones games. She doesn’t realise that The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles was a tv show. A bad one. These are the problems that one encounters when one flips through a catalogue for a shitty Youtube video from before your time. You tend not to know shit.

And even if she was going through a 2003 catalogue, I’m confident that she still wouldn’t know anything unless she stumbled across something to do with Britney Spears, “TRL”, or the colour pink.

6:45 – She refers to something called the “Sega CD 2”. She doesn’t explain what this is, why there’s the designation of “2” because she doesn’t know. I don’t fucking know. But I’d question it. Why are they trying to pass off a different version of the same system as a totally new system? It’s bullshit. It’s a weird quirk of the time, apparently.

7:15 – “So as we continue our journey through the EB Games catalogue, we go from purple to orange.”

She’s a complete fucking retard. Why the obsession with colours? This is pre-verbal shit. Most people get over colours by the time they’re no longer sitting in their own stool. But she has to mention every fucking colour that she sees.

7:30 – “So to get an NES Control Set…I always forget that they were called ‘Control Sets'”

BECAUSE NOBODY CALLED THEM THAT, YOU FUCKING MORON. But Erin “always” “forgets” this. HOW OFTEN IS IT COMING UP IN CONVERSATION?

Is she going to fancy dinner parties, with all of Mike’s money that he earned from puppeteering a retard named James Rolfe, wearing a sequined gown, sipping wine with the high society of rural Pennsylvania, and suddenly the subject of the NES Control Set comes up? And Erin strikes her head, humiliated, and says, “Oh, I always forget that it’s called the NES Control Set.” And Mike puts his arm around her, trying to comfort her, and says, “It’s alright, dear. Nobody’s infallible. Just the other day, I forgot that Carl Barks created Flintheart Glomgold.” And everyone shares a knowing laugh at how easily it can be people to forget even well-known things.

8:15 – Erin is obsessed with a typograpical error like she has autism all of a sudden. She just has fucking nothing to say so she has to obsess over complete minutia like colours and typos.

10:15 – She’s again obsessing over the cost of Bubsy. But she’s not even comparing Bubsy to a game that costs more than Bubsy. She’s comparing the game to Mario Paint, which cost two dollars MORE than Bubsy. So what’s the fucking problem?

10:30 – She claims that if your boyfriend likes Wing Commander, that’s a “red flag.” Why? I have no fucking idea. Nothing is explained, of course. She can’t explain anything. She doesn’t have any fully-formed thoughts in her head.

She then goes on to show truly shitty games that cost over $65, like Tuff E Nuff (which I’ve never even heard of), Clay Fighter, and Plok (although Plok is “only” $60). No reference to how outrageous it is that these terrible games are priced so highly, but Bubsy, which is cheaper than all of these games and undoubtedly a better game, gets a callback.

11:45 – She expresses surprise that the Game Boy games are cheaper than the console games. Yeah. That was the case, Erin. But she didn’t know this. This is all new to her.

12:00 – She talks about wanting a Super Scope. Naturally, she never got one. This is every single one of her stories.

12:15 – She’s talking about a controller that claims to work for both the SNES and the Genesis but doesn’t even talk about that. That’s the most interesting about this. Does it really work for both systems? Didn’t they have different controller ports? Even with an adapter of some sort, is it really that simple to just use the same controller on both systems? The two systems had different button layouts. How is that going to work? There are so many questions and Erin addresses NONE OF THEM because she doesn’t know anything about video games. So instead, she just talks about how “cute” the design is.

12:45 – She’s shocked that the controller has “slow-motion”. She’s never heard of this before. Despite the fact that the NES Advantage, perhaps the most well-known third-party controller of all time, had a slow-motion button. It just repeatedly paused the game. It was shit. But Erin, the super hardcore gamer, doesn’t know any of this.

13:00 Shout out to her fake carpal tunnel syndrome. We haven’t heard about this lie in a while.

13:30 – Now she’s talking about something called the “Super Advantage” which is apparently the SNES version of the NES Advantage. Erin claims to be familiar with the NES Advantage but…was surprised to see a controller that had a slow-motion function.

All that she says about this Super Advantage is that it has “more colours.” Go fuck yourself.

Oh fuck. Do I want to watch the rest of this? I think that I’ve written a lot already and I’m only halfway done. Well, I’ll power through. It’s only 12 minutes more. I’ll only comment on the “gems”.

14:00 – “Surf Ninjas. Never saw that movie and probably never will.” Eugh.

14:30 – “I haven’t seen Robocop 3.” Eugh.

“And of course T2 Judgement Day.”

Well, have you seen that one, Erin? Don’t leave us fucking hanging. Of course she hasn’t. If a movie doesn’t have at least one of the Spice Girls in it, she’s never seen it.

16:15 – “This is the Game Boy battery pack. I actually have never seen this.” Eugh.

“But that’s cool.”

Great stuff, Erin. You’re a real entertainer.

17:30 – She’s talking about shitty handheld games like the Tiger handhelds. “I’m obsessed with the Barbie one…”

Before I continue, I bet that it’s going to be because she likes the particular shade of pink.

Oh. No. She likes it because the art style on the case is “My era of Barbie.” Uh huh. I think talking about the shade of pink actually would have been slightly more interesting.

18:00 – Oh, Air Zonk music is playing now. She’s a big Air Zonk fan, guys.

I remember when Mike streamed Air Zonk, obviously for the first and last time ever, and he was confused why he would “turn into a robot” when he died. Because the character is a cyborg and when he dies, it’s like how in Terminator, his human…whatever…coating is peeled back to reveal his cybernetic skeleton. Duh. Learn your Air Zonk lore.

18:15 – “I like the little heart buttons. That’s pretty cute.”

Fuck you.

19:00 – She’s talking about what’s described as the “Nintendo Challenge Set.” Come on, Erin. Tell us how you “always” “forget” that the NES was called the the “Nintendo Challenge Set.”

21:00 – She says that the Turbo Duo could play CD-Gs.

Well? What the fuck is a CD-G? She doesn’t tell us because she doesn’t know.

22:00 – Microsoft Arcade. Oh fuck. She’s going to talk about the one PC game she owned as a child. I haven’t heard this a billion times already. It was a collection of games that had Pole Position on it. We get it. Move on.

22:45 – After looking at some PC games and not talking about ANY of them because she has zero familiarity with PC games, she starts looking at sound cards. The Sound Blaster, in particular. She says, “You needed this to play games like Doom and Wolfenstein on PCs.”

Pure ignorance. 100% wrong. She doesn’t even know what a sound card is. Absolutely was not required to play ANY game. The percentage of PC owners who had sound cards had to be less than 1%. You’re going to make a game for this 1% of the market? Total fucking moron.

“I like that they call it Blaster so you feel like you’re really getting something crazy, like you’re going to have crazy sound now.”

She’s talking out of her fucking anus. She literally knows NOTHING about this. It couldn’t be more clear. And she’s just making shit up.

Most PCs back in the day didn’t have a sound card. So game music was just shitty beeps and whatnot from whatever primitive sound mechanisim existed in the computer. I don’t know the technical details. But a sound card gave you a much richer sound with various synthetic intruments being capable of utilisation. So music and sound in games, for example, which I think was their main use, was a huge improvement. Companies had to develop the software so that it could use particular sound cards but if they did that, the experience was much better. That’s why you had to choose what sound card you had for games of this era, or “none”. “None” just gave you the shitty beeps that come from your computer.

Erin knows NONE of this. So she’s just looking at the name, a name that she’s never seen before (despite the fact that Sound Blaster is the most well-known sound card of all time), and says, “Oh, this must mean that it really blasts sound out. Totally cool.” She’s just blasting this shit straight out of her ass.

23:00 – “Now what does that look like to you.”

A joystick, Erin. But she’s trying to get the horntards worked up here.

Then she talks about Math Blaster: In Search of Spot. An obvious Star Trek reference. Erin, the mega Star Trek fan that she is, didn’t recognise it.

23:15 – “I didn’t have Mavis Beacon teaches typing.”

You don’t say.

24:30 – Then she ends the video with some complete bullshit about “corporate art” that made no sense whatsoever.

Great video, Erin. I’m glad that I waited four months for this. This was easily four months worth of work that went into this one. Tell us more about Sound Blaster.

Two hundred comments on this absolute drek. Unbelievable. These horntards will watch anything.

• “A game catalogue from ’93 and in the PC game section not a single Sierra game! Wtf”

This was from somebody with the name “sierrakobold6896” so he seems pretty into Sierra. Despite this, he doesn’t seem to know that Sierra had some kind of exclusive deal with Radio Shack. At least I think that they did. The only place I ever saw Sierra games was in Radio Shack and they were basically the only games that Radio Shack sold.

• “Love your Erin!! Your the prettiest of all the gaming girls”

Uh huh.

• “More of these, please! This was great and your commentary was hilarious!”

Which part?

• “Thunder Force 2 music! Axelay music!”

Totally generic comment that doesn’t even make sense. Right? So surely Erin didn’t reply to this one.

No, she did. You know why? Because it was from one of her Youtube beta orbiters Joe from Game Sack. She said “yup”. Good stuff, Erin. And Joe, stop trying to steal the love of Mike’s life from him. It’s embarassing.

• “Did you see the Tetris movie? Gameboy was a pretty important part of it apparently.”

No prizes for guessing Erin’s answer. But she does claim to have played the game a lot. Uh huh. Sure you did.

Not one person corrected her woefully incorrect information about sound cards. Or any of the litany of factual errors that she made. Except for that slow-motion button. A few people told her what that was about.

Anyway, what am I getting from Howard Johnson’s? I think that I’ll just go for the Grilled-in-Butter Frankforts and shove them right up Erin’s ass. Only 95 cents. What a bargain.