Gamer Girls

So this is what Shishi and the gang were waiting for all year. THIS. Erin dressed as a “sexy”…security guard? Just slap a couple of patches on an old black shirt and call it a day. She probably just glued them on. Even if she knew how to sew, which of course she doesn’t (having never learned anything in her life) she still wouldn’t take the time and effort out of her day to sew these on.

She has no job, nothing to do all day, but she refuses to put any effort into ANYTHING. THIS is her fucking costume. The ONLY costume she’s going to wear all year. Two fucking patches on a black shirt.

She used to wear “sexy” zero-effort costumes for multiple videos during October. It was the highlight of the Horntard Calendar. We were “treated” to four videos a year like this. At least. There was a point where she said that she was going to wear “sexy” zero-effort costumes even outside of Halloween. And she did so.

I’m not saying that this is the least amount of effort that she’s put into a costume but that’s only a testament to the absolute rock bottom costumes that she’s had over the years. Remember that “mummy” that you only knew it was a mummy because she said that she was a mummy? It was worse that wrapping yourself in toilet paper. Or the time that she put a striped shirt on and said that she’s Freddy Krueger.

Well, it’s not all about costumes. It’s also about top tier gameplay and witty, erudite commentary. So let’s check it out.

0:00 – “Yes, there was a Resident Evil game on the Game Boy Color.”

Something that she learned about very recently while researching shit to play for a Youtube video, for money.

“Does it suck? Well, I mean, I know it’s not a ‘good’ (airquotes) game but from what I’ve played of it…”

Let me stop you right there, Erin. You played for two minutes, at best. On stream, for money. During a “variety stream”. So your opinion is totally worthless. Don’t you get it? Why does she present herself as a fucking expert when she clearly has never played these games before?

You play a game for two minutes, shut the fuck up about it. Discard that two minutes of experience. It’s worthless. Just say that you’re going into the game fresh. Because that’s what you’re doing. Why doesn’t she understand this?

“I actually really liked it. I had a lot of fun with it.”

For that two fucking minutes. It’s ridiculous. It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

0:30 – “I find the vibe really appealing.”

So appealing that she didn’t bother playing it for more than the two minutes that she did.

Now, I’ve already watched the first five minutes of the video so I can tell you that she knows NOTHING about the game. Not even the most basic elements of gameplay. So she CLEARLY has never played this thing before. But even without watching part of the video, I could have told you this. This is what she does. This is every fucking video. She pretends to be an expert and then proceeds to demonstate an abject ignorance of the game, a result of NEVER HAVING PLAYED THE GAME BEFORE.

I don’t get it. 133 comments. What are these people watching the video for? This hastily-slapped together security guard costume? The braindead commentary? The horrible gameplay? It’s just constant lies with her and BAFFLING lies. Just say that you’ve never played the game before. Nobody gives a shit.

0:45 – “You have to bear with me. I haven’t played THAT much Resident Evil.”

You haven’t ANY of it, Erin. Just fucking say it.

“I played through the Resident Evil 2 remake with Mike.”

On stream, for money.

And then I played through a good chunk of Resident Evil 4.

On stream, for money.

That shit doesn’t fucking count. Don’t you get it?

People who enjoy video games play them in their spare time. Erin has never done that even once in her life.

“I’m admitting it. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

You’re not admitting anything. It’s just constant fucking lies about what a fucking pro she is. She played two of these games before. On stream, for money. She counts that as experience with the series. Fuck off.

She must think that this counts. In her warped mind, playing a game on stream, for money, AND AT NO OTHER TIME, makes you a real “gamer”. She thinks that she’s the “gaming” equivelent of these fucking retards who watch this shit and play video games 12 hours a day, every day, year after year. Same thing. A mentally challenged man who plays games 84 hours a week is equivelent Erin who plays games 2 hours a week. A mentally challenged man who played video games obsessively since he was six years old is the equivelent of Erin who only started playing video games when she started her Youtube channel when she was in her late 20s.

This is how she thinks. It must be. Why else would she keep saying these things? In her diseased mind, these aren’t lies. Playing a game for two minutes, on stream, for money, makes your opinion on the game valid. She thinks that. It’s a mental health issue.

1:30 – “It has a place in my heart.”

She’s saying this about a game that she played for two minutes. “It’s where my heart is.” Remember when she was beating that phrase into the ground over other games that she played for two minutes?

1:45 – “You see these like, what are they called, innertubes”?

This is the very first screen of the game. Lifesaver. Like the candy. Let me look this up.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifebuoy

Oh, there’s a list of alternative names.

• Life preserver. I’ll go with that, although I think of the vests or things you put around your neck as “life preservers”.
• Life ring. I guess so.
• Lifering. Ummm…just a spelling difference.
• Lifebelt. Not so sure about this one.
• Lifesaver. Pineapple was the best flavour. Was there a pineapple? I think there was. And they were less common than the other flavours. You’d get cherry, orange, lime, and…lemon, maybe but lemon and pineapple were switched out or something. One time it would be lemon, the next point in the sequence would be pineapple.
• Ring buoy. I mean, I guess but I’ve never heard of it.
• Donut. Fuck no. Especially not the wrong spelling.
• Safety wheel. No.
• Perry buoy. Certainly not.
• Kisbee ring. Go fuck yourself.

Not found: “innertube.”

2:00 – “Okay, what’s in here? Oh, there’s something in here.”

This is the first fucking screen of the game and she’s surprised that she found something. I guess that Erin “always” “forgets” that there’s something in this “innertube” receptacle.

She’s reading. “Bullets. ‘Bullets are used with the handgun.’ I mean, that’s pretty obvious but it’s good they tell you in case you weren’t sure.”

It’s not obvious, you fucking cretin. There are many weapons in these types of games and some bullets may only work with some types of firearm. This message is telling you that the bullets are for the handgun. The bullets may not work with, for example, a shotgun.

Erin doesn’t know any of this because she doesn’t play video games.

2:15 – “Is that anything? Oh, it’s a light. I thought it was like a grenade stuck to the wall but it’s supposed to be a light…I think.”

She still hasn’t reached any enemies. She’s at the very beginning of the game. And she’s surprised by everything. Doesn’t know that the lights aren’t grenades, for example.

How is it possible that she played this for even two minutes? Wouldn’t you figure this shit out immediately? Stuff in the background is background shit. Not grenades that you can pick up. Any fucking moron even WITHOUT playing the game AT ALL would know this. But she’s so inexperienced with video games that she can’t distinguish background shit from stuff that you can interact with.

I remind you of the time when she was trying to interact with the life bar (or something) of some game. I’m hazy on the details. It was an arcade game. It was a shooter, I think. And there was something in the HUD that showed how many bombs you have, or something. She was trying to shoot or somehow interact with that portion of the screen and was baffled at her inability to do so.

See also, “Player 2, press start? What does that mean?”

2:15 – Now she picks up a PDA. First item in the game. And she’s surprised by this. Of course she is.

So she goes on a boring, pointless talk about Blackberries. She didn’t have one, of course.

3:00 – She picks up the second item in the game and laughs. “At first glance, I thought this was a fried egg.”

But it’s not your first time seeing this, is it? I mean, it is but…she started the fucking stream by telling you how much she likes the game, it has a place in her heart, and so on. Thought the second item in the game was a fried egg. Never saw it before. This is all new to her.

3:15 – “I think I remember, I never really understood how to use the target part. Like, I would just run into a zombie and then start fighting them but we’ll see.”

How can you remember that which you’ve never done before? She’s talking about something that you pick up on the first time you play the game. But she’s unsure of how it works. And as the video progresses, you’ll see that she has no idea how to fight these enemies. She doesn’t know the mechanics of it. She’s never played this before. This game that has a place in her heart.

3:45 – Then she explains that she wasn’t sure how a Resident Evil game would work on the Game Boy Color (which is odd because she’s never played a Resident Evil game before so how would this issue even arise?). Then she vaguely aludes to how battles work and that she doesn’t understand it but maybe this time she will. This being the first time that she’s played the game, effectively, but she’s continuing this bizarre lie that she’s played the game before, all the while demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge or experience with the game.

She says that you’ll see how the battle system works in a minute. She’s right. You will. And you’ll see that Erin knows NOTHING about it.

4:00 – “Can we go in here? Oh, we’re going in the doors.”

Linear. Only one way you could have gone. And she’s at the very start of the game. She was surprised that you could enter these doors, the only doors that you can possibly enter.

“So those are zombies. Obviously. Right?”

She’s guessing. She’s guessing at what the FIRST enemies in the game are. She doesn’t know? She says that she’s played this before. She doesn’t know that these are zombies? That the first enemies in the first room of the game are zombies? She had to guess? How is it possible? For this game that has a special place in her heart?

Everything could be explained if she would just say, “I’ve never played this before.” What’s so hard about that? But instead, you get this contant cognitive dissonance because she’s saying one thing but clearly demonstrating something else entirely. This is how she goes through life.

4:15 – She’s showing how battles work. “See, you have to shoot it on that target. Oh, I do have a gun.”

She didn’t know that she had a gun. First enemy in the game.

4:30 – She says that she wants to switch to the knife. “What I’ve learned is that you really have to save your bullets for the boss.”

If she knows even this much about the game, how do you explain that she didn’t know ANYTHING else? She thought that the background objects were hand grenades. She didn’t know that you can enter the only door on the level. She thought that a healing powder was a fried egg.

She doesn’t know any of that, but she knows the strategy for beating the first level’s boss. How? Explain it. Something isn’t right.

So she uses the knife and quickly gets destroyed. She never fucking played this before.

4:45 – First battle. “You have to wait for them to get close to you because you’re using the knife.”

Wrong. The zombie is getting closer because you clearly keep missing the fucking target.

“I think you take hits because you’re using the knife.”

Wrong. You got hit because you let the zombie get too close because you kept missing the fucking target. It’s also just common sense from a gameplay perspective that the game wouldn’t work that way. You take damage because you’re using a knife?

“I’m not totally sure.”

Well no fucking shit. You don’t have a fucking clue. Just admit it.

“Maybe I just suck at it.”

That’s not even really the issue. You suck because you’ve never played the fucking game before. PLAY THIS SHIT IN YOUR SPARE TIME BEFORE MAKING THE VIDEO. GET COMPETENT AT THE GAME BEFORE YOU MAKE THE FUCKING VIDEO. Isn’t this just common sense?

No. Play the game for two minutes on stream, claim that you’re an expert, and then say, “I don’t know what’s going on” while simultaneously proclaiming how much this game has a place in your heart.

You can apply this disingenuous bullshit to how she approaches relationships. She moves in with Mike Matei, knowing nothing about him, solely for the crass explolitation of his Youtube fame. But I have no doubt that she says, “Oh, I love you, Mike. You have a special place in my heart.”

We see how hollow her words are. She says one thing but the reality is something else entirely. “This game that I’ve never played before has a special place in my heart.” “This guy who I’m only using for Youtube fame has a special place in my heart.”

The only good news in the Erin Plays saga is that this was all a monumental failure. She thought that exchanging butt sex for Youtube promotion via Mike Matei and the Cinemassacre channel would be her ticket to fame and fortune. The reality is $6,000/year.

Imagine how infuriating it would be if her cruel, disgusting plan worked. Imagine if Erin was making $100,000/year from this shit. Same horrendous “content”, same blackhole of a personality, same awful gameplay, but just from the Cinemassacre/Mike Matei rub, she was raking it in from Youtube and Twitch. It would be an awful example of cronyism and prostituting yourself out. Actual women “gamers” would be rightly outraged that here they are making good videos and just because they aren’t fucking Mike Matei, nobody is watching their shit.

But fortunately, we don’t live in that world. We live in the world where Erin is making $6,000 from these god awful videos that only a handful of mentally challenged men watch. No amount of promotion can overcome the obvious lack of charisma and video game knowledge and experience that Erin has.

Does this sort of thing EVER work? You see it regularly. A lot of big time Youtubers will say, “Hey, go look at my wife/girlfriend’s Youtube page.” It never takes off. Nobody is fucking going. The person who wants to see a man eating large amounts of food does not want to watch videos where his girlfriend talks about fashion. The person who wants to watch a man smash things with a hydraulic press does not want to watch videos where his girlfriend showcases her art.

These women’s channels NEVER take off. And the relationships never last either.

5:00 – “Sometimes the zombies disappear but sometimes they don’t.”

She doesn’t know why because she’s never played this before.

6:30 – She’s surprised to see three enemies at the same time. Because she’s never played this before.

She gets her ass handed to her, doesn’t know what she’s doing, and then presses buttons in a panic and accidentally runs away. She has no idea what’s going on because she’s never played this before.

7:15 – “This is just getting back into it. I haven’t played this in a very long time.”

EVER, Erin. You haven’t played this EVER. JUST FUCKING ADMIT IT.

8:15 – She dies because she has NO FUCKING CLUE what she’s doing, having never played the game before. But instead of acknowledging this, she blames the controller.

“We weren’t like, anywhere that far so at least if we died there…but it still sucks.”

She can’t even get through the early stages of the first level. And she has no idea how to play the game. Everything is new and surprising for her. She “forgot” everything. For this game that has a special place in her heart.

8:30 – “They don’t start you with full health? They should start you with full health.”

You didn’t know this, Erin? Why not? Why is this surprising. This game has a special place in your heart. You love the game. You’re always playing it.

8:45 – “We’re trying to find security cameras? I don’t remember having to find security cameras when I played this.”

She “forgot” the objetive of the first level.

“Maybe I missed like a key part of it.”

Or, much more likely, YOU NEVER FUCKING PLAYED IT BEFORE.

9:30 – She loses almost all of her health on one battle because she doesn’t know what she’s doing, having never played the game before.

10:45 – She goes into some area and is surprised that there’s nothing in there, having never played the game before.

She keeps describing her gameplay as “wreckless” instead of what it actually is: the product of somebody who’s never played the game before and has no fucking clue what to do.

She’s surprised that you can’t pull the fire alarm or open a door because she’s never played the game before.

11:00 – She goes to the bathroom and is surprised by everything she encounters, having never played the game before.

12:30 – She’s surprised that some of the zombies can poison you but doesn’t know which ones, having never played the game before. She doesn’t even know about the concept of being poisoned in the game, having never played it before.

13:15 – She doesn’t know about the elevator key, having never played the game before.

“If I remember correctly, you can…yeah, you can save.”

She’s a real pro. She knew nothing about anything else in the game, everything was a surprise to her, but she knew that you could save in the elevator. After the game prompted her by saying, “Do you want to save?”

14:15 – “See? I get confused because now we’re in another elevator.”

The map completely bamboozles her because she never played the game before.

14:30 – “I know there’s objectives but whatever.”

She doesn’t know what to do because she never played the game before.

15:15 – She searches some more “innertubes” because she says, “I think there’s stuff in here, if I remember right.” But there wasn’t. There was nothing in those things. She didn’t know this because she never played the game before.

16:45 – She doesn’t know that you can’t search the dead woman or go into the pool because she never played the game before.

17:15 – She gets a key to room 4F and then checks the map. She’s surprised to discover that she’s currently on room 4F. She didn’t know this because she never played the game before.

She also searches every single “innertube” and never gets ANYTHING from them. I suspect that there’s nothing in any of them. Erin doesn’t know this because she never played the game before.

17:45 – “I thought that you were able to find things on the bodies but maybe I’m remembering incorrectly.”

It’s not a matter of remembering or not remembering, Erin. It’s the fact that you’ve never fucking played the game before. You can’t “remember” or “forget” knowledge that you never had.

18:00 – She dies and is surprised to see that the game doesn’t pause when you’re switching weapons. You know why she was surprised by this basic gameplay mechanic? Because she never played the game before.

19:30 – She got poisoned. “I forgot those girls poison you.” You didn’t forget, Erin. You are lying through your teeth about having played the game before. It’s insanely obvious.

“I told you that this is going to be a wreckless playthrough.”

It’s not wreckless. It’s the result of no experience with the game and zero general video skill.

20:30 – She’s surprised by the graphics. “This is a lot better than I thought it would be. When I first played this, I was shocked.”

So today. You’re talking about today. A few minutes earlier when you started recording for a shitty Youtube video.

“This is one of those games that I totally could have seen myself playing on the actual Game Boy Color.”

But you didn’t. And you wouldn’t. And there is nothing in the gameplay here today which suggests that she would like this game. She knows NOTHING about it and she’s horrible at it. She doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. Like, AT ALL.

21:30 – “So if you’re watching this hoping that I make progress in a certain way or if you’re an expert on Resident Evil Gaiden on the Game Boy Color, this might be a little frustrating so I’m sorry.”

Nobody expect expert gameplay from you, Erin. Competent gameplay would be enough. Play it just once in your spare time before you start recording. Learn the mechanics of how the game works. Get through the first level. Why can’t you do that? Why can’t you put even that tiny amount of effort into your videos? This is your job. You don’t do anything else. It’s crying in the bathtub, visiting your parents in Los Angeles, and this. This is all that you do.

She doesn’t want to take away from her crying in the bathtub time. That’s precious to her. That’s where her heart truly is. Her one true passion: crying in the old bathtub. There’s a stream that Shishi would enjoy.

Then she says that she’s not sorry for her awful gameplay because she’s having fun. If it’s so fun, why didn’t you play in your spare time?

22:30 – She doesn’t know how to save because she never played the game before. As it turns out, it’s not from going in the elevators. She didn’t know this, again, because she never played the game before.

23:00 – She still has no idea where she’s going, having never played the game before.

23:30 – “That looks like a vending machine. It doesn’t look like a stairway or a hallway.”

It looks exactly like a staircase but some of that delicious “X looks like Y” “comedy” from Erin Boosler over here. And it looks NOTHING like a vending machine.

I think that this is just one of her streams, by the way. She just rehashed one of her streams for the video.

25:00 – Erin doesn’t know that you can scroll up as well as down when going through your inventory, never having played the game before. Or any game, would seem.

26:45 – Erin died yet again because she’s really, really, REALLY bad at the game, having never played it before.

27:45 – Erin is surprised to have found the security cameras, the only objective of the first level, having never played the game before. A cut scene plays out. This is all new to her.

28:45 – Erin is surprised to find a save location, having never played the game before.

29:45 – There’s a cut scene where a zombie’s entrails come out of it’s stomach and Erin says, “I forgot about that. His guts are just like (does a stupid arm motion)”.

Erin “forgot” about this cutscene, having never played the game before.

30:15 – Erin fights the boss, is surprised that this is the boss, then is surprised by how easy he was to kill. Because she never fucking played this before.

Then she compares the boss to a monster from the Goosebumps series of books but says that the monster in the Goosebumps book was a nice bubblegum pink instead of gray.

Go.

Fuck.

Yourself.

You.

Fucking.

Cretin.

33:15 – She’s near the end of the level but can’t find the exit, having never played the game before, so…she just quits. She quits the game. Can’t beat the first level. Of this game that’s so near and dear to her heart. She “forgot” EVERYTHING about the game.

She “had a lot of fun”, though. But she won’t ever play it again. Unless it’s on stream, for money. She recommends it. That’s a ringing endorsement from a real fucking pro. Pro gamer Erin Plays. Queen of Resident Evil Gaiden.

She ends the video by wishing us a spooky Halloween.

Well, that was some real shit. Let’s check out the comments.

• “Had to sub super cute gamer with a nice (three heart emojis) voice”

What were the hearts supposed to suggest? I guess just that he likes her voice. That’s enough for him. He just wants a “cute” “gamer” with a nice voice. Never mind that she’s a total fraud and clearly has no interest in video games.

• “…and she is pretty”
• “Cool costume Erin”
• “missed your face and vids enjoy your Helloween”
• “Hey Erin, I miss seeing your videos and was glad to see you post one tonight. When you said ‘poisonous erection’ it made me understand how you could get along well with Mike lol (laughing emoji) Hope all is well tho, take care.”

Numerous people mention Erin’s “poisonous erection” comment. Real retards.

• “How beautiful you are”
• “Gamergurrrrl. I lost your website and I can’t seem to find it. If you even still write on gamer girls. If you do and see this hit me up. You were hilarious.”

Oh, sorry. I don’t think there’s any way to message people on Youtube. If anyone can point @Gainoffuntion in the right direction, that would be nice.

• “This game looks fine and fun”

That was from Tony from Hack the Movies. He leaves this message a lot. He’s trying to get something going with Erin.

Speaking of which, did Joe from Gamesack also reply? Let’s find out.

I don’t think so.

But I’ve been checking out Newt “The Ideas Man” Wallen. It seems that he filmed some piece of shit. Maybe two pieces of shit.

He’s basically done with Youtube, though. Him getting shadowbanned and me stopping the blog really did a number on his channel. Nobody is watching that shit.

But have you seen PVC Bondage Guy lately? She’s literally doubled in size since I last saw her. I hope it’s nothing serious. Maybe she’s just taking medication now and that caused the weight gain.

Anyway, I don’t know when I’m going to post again, if ever. I just saw this Erin video and said, “God, the world must know that she’s still a fraud.” Not a single person in the comments to her video seemed to figure this out.

Now for something we can all enjoy: shills.