Gamer Girls

I spoiled his clickbait title for you.

0:00 – He says that he had a TurboGrafx 16 when it came out. He says that he had China Warrior. And yet wait for this completely ignornant “review”.

I also had a TurboGrafx 16 and China Warrior. The game isn’t good but I played it extensively because, like most people, I didn’t have many games.

Worst TurboGrafx game ever? Umm…maybe? Let me look at the list of games.

Oh, Somer Assault. I had that game. You play as a slinky that shoots and your enemies are based on the Zodiac symbols. That might be worse. Awkward controls. Stupid theme.

I think that Andre Panza Kick Boxing is bad.

Champions Forever Boxing sucked dick. But worse than China Warrior? I think that one can argue but I’d say no.

I bet a lot of these Japanese games are shit. I mean, a lot of the American releases are shit. But worse than China Warrior is what we’re looking for.

I don’t know. So maybe it’s the worst but there are plenty of other bad games for the system. And even if it is the worst, it’s eminently playable.

1:15 – The gameplay begins. He’s awful at the game. Clearly has…I mean…I’m going to say that he’s barely played this. You can’t be this bad at the game if you’ve played it before. He doesn’t even know the controls. And there are only two buttons.

1:45 – “You’re constantly moving forward.”

Yeah. That’s the game. If you moved right to move forward, it would have changed how the game works.

2:00 – “You have a punch button, you have a kick button, but why do you need both?”

Some enemies can only be reached by the punch. And I think you get more points by punching. Next question, John Riggs.

“You can duck and and punch but you can’t duck and kick.”

He just got done complaining about having both a punch and a kick button (which is an absurd complaint) and then he makes the complete opposite that you CAN’T both punch and kick when you’re crouching.

“And you can jump and kick but you can’t jump and punch.”

The vast majority of games only have kicking as an option when you’re jumping. Do people jump and punch in real life? In karate or taekwondo or, I would assume, kungfu (which this game is based on) there’s jumping and kicking. There is NO jumping and punching. Human physiology prevents the effectiveness of jumping and punching whereas jumping and kicking can be effective.

2:30 – He runs into a boulder that bounces along the ground and then says “Oh, that’s right. I can’t just stop the boulder. I can’t just step to the side.”

Well, no shit. You’re supposed to jump over it. Obviously. Why would ducking get you past a boulder that’s coming at you at waist-level and clearly small enough to jump over?

2:45 – He describes an item that gives you health back as “breakfast cereal”. It’s tea, you fucking imbecile. How do I know that it’s tea? Because I played the fucking game. I read the manual. It’s tea. I haven’t played the game in over 20 years and I still know this.

He doesn’t know what it does either. And he missed it so he’ll never know. If he played the game before, he would know what it does.

3:15 – He keeps trying to jump kick the first boss. You can’t jump kick any of the bosses. The boss fights have weird controls, as all of the game has, and you just have to figure out what to do with each boss. I think on the first one, it’s just stand in front of him and keep kicking.

3:45 – “Now that the sun has set on this industrial setting.”

After you beat each boss, the background changes so that it looks later in the day. So the sun sets. This obviously surprised John Riggs because he never played this before. He clearly knows nothing about the game.

But how on earth is this an “industrial setting”? Those are mountains in the background. You’re out in some nature area. What about this is industrial?

Indeed, the game takes place in pre-industrial China. There is nothing remotely industrial about any of this.

4:00 – Then he dies because he sucks dick and the video ends. “Of all the great games on the TurboGrafx 16, this was one of them.”

So it was a great game? Couldn’t be bothered to edit that attempt at comedy out.

Oh wow. According to Wikipedia, there was Japan-only remake on the PS2 with different graphics and gameplay. Let me see if there’s footage of that.

Not that I’m seeing. Maybe some lost media that Bobdunga can uncover.

About 30 people in the comments mention Darkwing Duck as worse. I really doubt it. Let me look at gameplay.

Oh, I think they’re just mentioning it because it was an AVGN episode. Fucking pathetic.

It looks bad but not on the level of China Warrior.

So that’s John Riggs talking out of his ass, trying to get another low-effort video out there to make a few pennies.

What’s the monetisation situation with video length? There was some reason why people used to try to make videos at least ten minutes long. You couldn’t monetise them if they were shorter than that or you were paid at a lower rate or something.