Gamer Girls

0:00 – It’s your girl Zap Cristal wearing a wig. She’s celebrating seven years on Youtube. Seven years and she’s only achieved half as many views as some weird blog that you have to go out of your way to search for. What a cause for celebration. Maybe in another seven years, she’ll pass me.

0:15 – She shows her “community” who are going to praise her. Six middle-aged guys. Most of them have beards. Half of them are black. One is Hispanic. Two are white.

Even the black guys have beards. Is it weird that I find that strange? Am I crazy or do black guys tend not have beards? I’m trying to think of black guys who I’ve known with beards. There must be somebody but nobody springs to mind. I’m just thinking that the hair doesn’t lend itself very well to beards. Maybe this is a completely insane comment.

“I’m going to reveal some of the amazing and astounding people who are part of the Zap Squad.”

There’s no such squad. It’s insane how delusional this woman is. She has unbelievably low view numbers on these videos. Show some humility. Show that you have some semblance of reality.

0:30 – It starts with some Hispanic guy in his like 10 year old daughter’s bedroom. She’s sitting on her bed and he’s pretending to talk to somebody who called (his daughter, apparently) looking for Zap Cristal merchandise. And he’s all like, “Yo, yo, yo. You want da hottest Zap Cristal merch? Well, you came to the right place.”

You mean your 10 year old daughter’s bedroom? This is creepy as fuck. Who on earth thought that this was a good idea.

None of these people are introduced, by the way. There are no links in the description. It’s just…here are some black guys talking about me. And this one complete creep traumatising his daughter with this shit.

Then he shows the various Zap Cristal “merch” that he’s apparently purchased. It’s all trash.

1:00 – “And best of all, that Zap Cristal children’s sweater right there.” And he points to his daughter who’s been forced to wear this. She looks really uncomfortable.

There’s something deeply, deeply concerning about all of this. I’m not saying this for comedy purposes. This is not something to joke about. This is fucking really weird and creepy. He should not be behaving like this around his daughter. He should not be involving her in this bizarre attempt to woo Zap Cristal. Where is this girl’s mother? If she’s around, she can not possible be okay with any of this.

I know that there are cultural differences. There are socio-economical differences. But I don’t think that any of this is right.

This girl has a Youtube channel, obviously set up by the father. I won’t link to it but you can figure it out if you watch the video. She’s like seven or eight when the videos started. Fortunately, they get Zap Cristal view numbers, so almost nobody is watching. But it’s clearly this creepy as fuck father setting this all up.

He also has an Instagram for her. It’s all just pictures of her. And they’re not selfies. They’re pictures that were clearly taken by her father.

Why would a 10 year old have an Instagram? I don’t even think that that’s allowed. I think 13 is the minimum age to be allowed on Instagram. But not only does she have an Instagram, it’s the father who set it up. It’s the father taking these pictures. To what end?

He’s exploiting his daughter in the most disgusting way. And it’s not even working. Nobody is watching these videos or going to her Instagram. What on earth is he thinking with any of this?

1:15 – “Yo. What up, Zap.” And his daughter awkwardly waves in the background, obviously embarrassed by all of this.

This is a grown man filming a video in his daughter’s bedroom trying to woo some hideous woman with 1990s gangsta rap talk. Get your shit together, homey.

1:45 – Then he goes to his daughter and forces her to say her favourite Zap Cristal video. Come on. Nobody has a favourite Zap Cristal video. This is insane. This is abuse. This man should expect a visit from whatever child protective services there are.

So the girl barely stammers out “My top five favourite VHS”. Yeah. That’s what the young people want to watch today. They want to watch a middle aged woman giving a boring run down of her favourite VHS videos.

Everything about this is wrong. But not only did this guy have no problem with any of this, Zap Cristal didn’t see any problem with this video. That’s not surprising because Zap Cristal has a disturbing relationship with her own son. She was making some “sexy” video where she was showing her tits and she was forcing him to film it.

2:15 – He shows like baby pictures of this girl holding various NES controllers and talks about how she was a, “Retro gamer since coming out of the womb.”

This is all kinds of rotten. He’s been trying to exploit this girl from when she was born. She’s not interested in retro video games. Why the fuck would she be? This was all forced on her by her creepy as fuck father who I think has gold teeth. He’s trying to exploit her for profit. Fortunately, it’s not working but it still has to have a detrimental effect on her. Maybe it’s even worse that it’s not working, in terms of her mental health.

And you watch this girl sitting there, with her creepy father talking about, “Yo, yo, yo, I remember when you held an NES Zapper straight after coming out of yo mama’s pussy” and it’s just…you feel so terrible for her. She has this lunatic father. She’s powerless. What is she going to do? This is her life. With this fucking jackass as a father. Talking about private childhood moments like she’s a commodity. “Here are some baby pictures of my daughter, all of you creepy freaks on Youtube. Do you like them?”

2:30 – He says that he plays with toys and video games with his daughter while listening to Youtube videos in the background. He gives shout out to Metal Jesus, James Rolfe, and then suddenly can’t think of a third example.

Then he says that one day he saw a John Hancock video called, “Video Games, Kids, and Tips for Parenting”, which featured Zap Cristal. Well, now I’m intrigued. Let’s see what Mother of the Year Zap Cristal had to say. “When you’re making your son film sexy videos of you for Youtube make sure that he knows to zoom in on your tits.”

Holy shit. This woman thought she was too hot to be an influencer?

She’s filming with her son playing a video game in the background. None of this should happen.

Just think about it. You’re ten years old or whatever and you have your creepy as fuck mother filming a video where she’s talking about you to some other creep for the consumption of yet more creeps. I couldn’t imagine it. There was no internet when I was a kid but never in a million years would my mother have done that. As horrible as she was, she wouldn’t have done that.

I remember her telling me that she said something to my science teacher in the 9th grade at some parent/teacher meeting and I was livid. I don’t remember what it was that she said, it was just some personal thing, but I told her that it’s none of his business and she shouldn’t have told him.

Take that and magnify it by ten thousand. That’s what Zap Cristal is doing to her son. She’s telling the world all about her son’s private moments from childhood and it’s nobody’s fucking business. She has no business saying any of this. But she’s doing this in a fruitless attempt to get Youtube views and therefore Youtube money. Views and money which are not even forthcoming. So she’s exploiting her son for NOTHING.

There’s going to come a time, in the not-too-distant future when Zap Cristal and The Gaming Homey here are living alone. Their children have all moved out. And then Zap and Homey are going to start making videos talking about how ungrateful their children are and wondering why they don’t talk to them any more. “I can’t understand it. I tried to exploit them for personal profit and now they don’t want to talk to me. That’s gratitude for you.”

I hope that Zap Cristal and The Gaming Homey enjoy the worst old folks home in town.

3:00 – The Gaming Homey gives a shout out to the non-existent “Zap Squad”. Then he says that his daughter was six years old when he started making Youtube videos of her, inspired by Zap Cristal.

“We wanted to thank you, Zap Cristal, for being a positive influence for female gamers out there.”

Eugh. No. This is all types of wrong.

Also, this guy’s son is apparently filming this.

Then the video ends awkwardly as fuck. That girl did not want to be there. It could not be any more obvious.

3:45 – So let’s put that unpleasantness behind us and focus on this next guy: a middle aged, overweight, white guy, with a beard, wearing a Star Wars shirt, with extremely hairy arms. I bet he gets all kinds of chicks. Oh, and the baseball cap. Always with the baseball cap. He’s obviously bald and self-conscious.

Oh, this is 8-Bit Eric.

4:30 – Some black guy with a beard. This is her “boy” 2Tall. You guys all know 2Tall, right? This is another guy trying to become Mr Wright Way III.

Why does she attract so many black men? I don’t get it. Maybe just because they know that she’s already married at least two black men in the past so she’s obviously interested in black men.

5:00 – He says that he enjoyed playing or maybe just watching the stream with Zap and Mr Wright Way II recently but he can’t do it any more because he’s not paying for Game Pass any more. Whatever that is. Some console’s online…thing, I guess. So go get a job. That’s what you should be concerned about.

It’s these fucking bums constantly trying to get into Zap’s pants and her house. This is the caliber of men that she attracts: unemployed black men who just want a warm place to sleep at night.

5:30 – Here’s another black man. He’s just called “Geek”. It’s another middle aged, fat guy with a beard but this guy is different. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Oh right. HE’S A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL.

8:00 – The VGMobster. This is a white guy literally wearing a fedora.

He made a music video if you want to torture yourself.

All of these people are saying that their favourite Zap Cristal video is something that she made recently with Mr Wright Way II. She obviously told them all to say what their favourite video is but it’s impossible that they all chose a recent video. The stuff with Mr Wright Way II is unwatchable.

9:00 – He suddenly starts speaking Ebonics. He’s trying to trick Zap into thinking that he’s a black guy.

Then it’s some other guy’s video. He has a Japanese name or something, I couldn’t understand it, but it’s a black guy.

9:30 – There’s a clip of Zap dancing and you get a good profile shot of her body. God damn. Look at the size of her. SHE’S HUGE! She must be 250 pounds. She completely ballooned after the original Mr Wright Way dropped her.

“You have to agree, her videos will never age because they have such a relevancy that’s beyond anyone else’s that I’ve seen right now.”

This guy is just saying words. No, Zap Cristal’s horrendous videos do not have a timeless appeal. They’re not even appealing now, never mind 50 years from now.

11:00 – Some white guy. I can’t understand what he’s saying. Oh. Mr Toon. His name appears on screen because Zap knows that he’s hard to understand.

Actually, I don’t know if he is white. He might be Hispanic. I’m not sure if he has an accent or if he’s mentally retarded. I’m not even saying that as a joke. Genuinely, I’m not sure which it is.

He says that he listens to Zap’s videos in his truck. So I guess he’s a truck driver, so probably not retarded. I don’t know what this accent is then. You would think that he’s from Central or or South America but…I don’t know.

11:45 – Another bearded black guy. Something…Star Master Music, I think. He speaks with a lisp? I don’t know.

12:00 – Mr Wright Way II.

12:15 – “Even before you and me was a thing, I was a fan of what you do.”

Yeah. You were creeping on her even when she was married to Mr Wright Way. Just like all of these other predominatly black guys are doing right here in this video. Are you so blind?

So that was the Zap Squad: a bunch of black nerds who don’t have a single job among them.