Gamer Girls

A return to the simple joys of Erin Plays. This parasitic woman has really enriched my life. What would I be doing with my time if it weren’t for Erin?

I used to go to a message board. A pink message board, as it happens. I’d talk to the people there. This was a message board that I went to since like 1998. And I went there up until, well, up until I started with the homosexuals on Reddit five years ago or whatever.

That message board used to be teeming with people. And I’d go there and say, “Hey, this band sucks”. And they’d say, “Boo. No, you suck. Americans are all doody heads.”

But as I got older, I became less antagonistic. I got to know the people who posted there. A lot of people enjoyed me posting there. Some of them didn’t. I stole focus from the subject of the website. I understand, I guess. People went there wanting to talk about the band but really how much is there to talk about? It’s a community. People would talk to and about each other. I didn’t even know or like the band.

As the years went on, people stopped going there. By 2015, the forum was absolutely ancient. The very concept of a forum was ancient. It became a core group of just about three of us. Then it was basically just two. Then it was basically just me talking to myself.

The guy who owned the website wanted to close it. So I took the website over. I paid for hosting and whatnot.

Then covid happened. And I said fuck it, I’m not paying for this. I had the world’s most expensive hosting provider and didn’t want to bother changing. And it was just me posting there, really. Ocassionally, somebody would stop by to say, “You’re still posting here?” or give an update on their lives or whatever.

So I started the blog. When I created it, I chose the same colour of pink as the message board was. And it basically fulfills the same function. I can talk about whatever and people can comment. Unmoderated. That was another thing I liked about that forum. There were no moderators.

It all worked out then. And it’s all thanks to the charisma blackhole, the total fraud, the woman who is wasting every single second of her life: Miss Erin Plays.

So is Mulan the worst Game Boy game ever? No, of course not, you silly woman. It’s probably not even in the top 50. But you want to churn out another god awful, ignorant-as-fuck video to get a few pennies from horntards. God bless your extremely poor decision-making abilities.

0:00 – She compares the game to Hercules on Game Boy, a game that she played one for a Youtube video. She even helpfully links to the video.

We’re off to the races, Erin. Inspire me with your complete lack of knowledge about video games.

“This is going to be my first experience playing Mulan on Game Boy.”

I like that she’s started admitting this after YEARS of me asking her to do this. Has it affected her channel at all? No. It’s as dead as it ever was.

“Look at that sprite.”

That’s a not a sprite. She doesn’t know what a sprite is. Or is it that I don’t know what a sprite is? A sprite is like Mario in the game where you can make him run or jump or whatever. Or the bushes in Super Mario Bros that have that two frame animation or whatever. A sprite is not a static image, though. Because that’s what she’s looking at. She’s looking at a static title screen. Am I wrong? Let me look this up.

“In computer graphics, a sprite is a two-dimensional bitmap that is integrated into a larger scene, most often in a 2D video game. Originally, the term sprite referred to fixed-sized objects composited together, by hardware, with a background. Use of the term has since become more general.”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sprite_(computer_graphics)

Ummm…so I don’t know. But I think I’m right.

0:45 – She dies almost immediately. On the training level.

1:15 – Then she dies again. Same spot. “I don’t understand.”

This is some good stuff. This is entertainment. Who needs Hollywood and their billion dollar blockbusters when you have a woman knocking on 40 stumbling through an old video game that nobody, least of all her, gives a shit about.

2:15 – You have to throw…throwing stars or something at these target boards. And these boards pop up if you don’t run past them quickly enough, forcing you to throw a star at them again. Erin absolutely can not do this. It’s unbelievable. She’s stuck on the TRAINING level.

4:30 – She compares the game to Hercules again. After having played it for about four minutes. And she played Hercules for probably about the same length of time. She’s a real expert, this Erin Play. Her opinions on video games are totally valid and informative.

6:30 – After stumbling through a rope-climbing area, Erin once against meets her most fearsome foe: stationary wooden targets.

7:45 – The game has like Prince of Persia type controls. Erin doesn’t know this. Erin doesn’t know what Prince of Persia. Erin doesn’t know what day it is. Where she’s at. Life is just a blur for Erin. But she’s at a section where you have to jump from a certain point to land on some logs. Erin says “What are you supposed to do here?” after she repeatedly jumped in the same incorrect spot.

8:30 – Erin is perplexed at a character performing kung fu. “Look at his arms, he’s just like” and then she demonstrates a “funny” and/or “cute”…I don’t even know…flailing of her arms. No. It’s kung fu, Erin. Don’t you get it? This thing takes place in China. The guy was shirtless and Chinese. All the clues were there. This is a kung fu master. But fucking retard Erin thinks it was just some guy waving his arms around.

Then she ends the video. She didn’t even get past the TRAINING level. But she still sees fit to proffer an opinion on this game. She again compares the game to Hercules, saying that it’s “Been a while since I’ve played it.” Yeah. Not since you made the Youtube video. Just be honest. Nobody gives a shit.

So she compares this game, that she barely played, to another game that she barely played. And we’re supposed to find this somehow informative. We’re suposed to give a shit about her transparently worthless opinion.

Another shockingly awful video to add to the Erin Plays library. Let’s check out the comments.

• “That picture of Mulan on the intro screen wasnt a sprite Erin, cmon youre better than that.”

She really isn’t. And you should know that.

A lot of horntards commenting on her top. She wore a tight top. We’re supposed to be jerking off to this, I guess. It seems that some people are.

• “Erin, you ever play Snow Bros on the Gameboy?”

What do you fucking think, retard? Have you seen the video? Then no. I don’t get these people.