Gamer Girls

This is the “season finale” of the podcast. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN VIEWS AFTER A WEEK!

Let me first discuss what on earth comprises a “season” on Youtube. Fucking retard James Rolfe seems to do this as well. And Chris BORES. And I think Pat “The NES Fag”. It’s probably a normal thing.

What on earth does it mean? When does a season start and end? In television terms, at least historically, in the US, a season begins in the fall and ends at the start of summer. Right? Network tv would take the summers off. They’d show reruns.

But…Youtubers don’t take the summers off. And summer isn’t beginning now anyway. So when does Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” Cristal’s “season” end? The second week of November? Why? Why was that date chosen? And when is “season two” going to begin?

It makes no fucking sense. Just release the videos whenever you want. There aren’t any “seasons”. You’re releasing videos continuously throughout the year. It’s preposterous to set an arbitrary cut off from one season to the next. What’s going to change in season two? Is this “season finale” going to wrap up all of the cliffhangers from the previous podcasts in this “season”? It’s fucking stupid. The concept does not apply to Youtube, at least not on any channel that I’ve ever seen.

So she’s going to tell us how to keep reaching your dreams in this video that got 100 views. This woman who totally destroyed her life, her son’s life, and her channel by letting Mr Wright Way II into her life. This woman who marries every black man who pays her the slightest bit of attention. This woman who seems to have a preference for controlling, aggressive men.

Not that I think that Mr Wright Way I or II are controlling and aggressive. I have no way of knowing either way but nothing I’ve seen particularly indicates that. But Zap Cristal herself has talked about how aggressive and controlling Mr Wright Way was and the same with a previous boyfriend/husband, who was probably black, who was so controlling and aggressive that she alleges that he almost killed her, and possibly her son.

You’re picking these men, Zap Cristal. It’s all on you. You obviously like that type. Sort yourself out.

So prepare to be inspired by this woman who’s achieved nothing in her life.

0:45 – Zap Cristal gives herself a round of applause for reaching episode 12 of this dire podcast that has totally killed her channel.

The description to this video is, “When you hit rock bottom…what do you do?”

Well, you’re there, Zap. You’re at rock bottom. So where do you go from here? Tell us.

1:30 – “This started not too long ago and we’re already closing our very first season.”

IT MEANS NOTHING! Typically, in television, at least historically, a season was 16 episodes. So why 12? Why did you pick 12? What does any of this mean? How did you determine what a “season” is? Why should any of us give a fuck about your arbitrary definitions? Just release the fucking videos. Or, better yet, don’t. Nobody is watching this shit.

2:00 – She talks about the “birth” of the podcast. It’s more like an abortion.

2:30 – “So we’ve talked about this off-camera but now we get to open up, we get to talk to the world about it.”

Well…if by “world” you mean the 100 people who have watched this, okay.

2:45 – “What do you do when you feel like quitting?”

If we’re talking about Youtube, and you, I say go for it.

I’m going to go get a sandwich. I’m going to need my energy to stay awake for this shit.

3:15 – “I’m sending you a challenge. Find one person you can share this episode to.”

There’s nobody who I despise enough to be able to recommend this video.

4:00 – Mr Wright Way II says, “I’ve always been a tough love kind of person.”

Ummm…where are we going with this?

Are they talking about suicide or giving up on, say, their job or…a relationship or something? He seems to be talking about suicide.

6:15 – Mr Wright Way II says that he was in a “bad relationship” and felt suicidal. “I wasn’t getting what I want out of Youtube. I wasn’t growing organically.”

WHAT? He’s all over the place. WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? This was supposed to be a positive and uplifting video. That’s what Zap promised.

He says that nobody was listening to his music or watching his Youtube videos so he considered killing himself. I mean…is that really what he said? I don’t want to misrepresent him. But that seems to me what he was saying. But he didn’t want to “give up” because he has a mother and siblings and whatever. I’m still not quite sure if he’s talking about suicide or giving up on Youtube.

I mean…it makes a difference. I would recommend giving up on your music and Youtube but I wouldn’t recommend suicide. The two things should be treated entirely separately. You can quit Youtube but go on living. He doesn’t seem to understand this. He’s linked the two.

No. Just go get a job like a normal person. Realise that nobody is going to buy your music or watch your videos. You can still have a perfectly happy life.

I know that you had ideas that everybody was going to buy your music and watch your Youtube videos and you’d get all of the bitches but that’s not the way that life works for well over 99% of the people. I had dreams of what I wanted to do with my life. I had plans. Things happened. I wasn’t good enough. Outside forces prevented me from achieving what I wanted. It could be anything. This stuff happens to everyone. Get over it, and change your plans to something else. Simple. There’s your uplifting message.

The message should not be, “Oh, no. Keep chasing your dream” because it’s not going to happen. This guy is never going to be Snoop Dog. Newt Wallen is never going to make a movie that anyone wants to watch. Erin is never going to make a dime off of these abysmal videos. Face reality, know your limitations, and go do something that you’re good at.

7:15 – Mr Wright Way II says, “The only reason I am alive is because of you” referring to Zap Cristal. And she looks all lovey at this.

WHAT? That’s PATHETIC. This woman who he barely knows, who he married instantly, is the only reason he hasn’t killed himself.

What was he doing before? What was he doing nine months ago when he didn’t know Zap Cristal?

It’s belittling the real problems of suicide and depression. “Oh, this woman who I barely know saved my life. All of my problems were solved”.

No. It’s bullshit. He’s just saying this to sweet talk the always hot Zap. You don’t have to try so hard. You’re married. Come on. She made a lifetime committment to you. Just like she did with Mr Wright Way, her previous husband, and probably previous husbands.

He’s depressed because he doesn’t like his job and his Youtube channel sucks dick and nobody is buying his music and he doesn’t like his girlfriend. So he’s going to kill himself? And the only thing that saved him was marrying Zap Cristal? Fuck off.

Then he starts talking about how he was going to jump off of a dam. This guy is a loser. I’m sorry. I’ve heard nothing that justifies thinking about suicide. Maybe he’s just not expressing himself well. But nobody is buying your shit music?

Then he got a message from Zap so he decided not to jump off of the dam. So he didn’t.

People were telling him not to give up. He’s talking about his Youtube channel now, not his life. He switches back and forth a lot. But Zap gave more constructive advice and that caused him not to kill himself.

Fuck off. Zap taught him how to do thumbnails and this saved his life. You are a piece of shit, sir. You are demeaning people with actual problems. If you were going to kill yourself over your failed Youtube channel, you’re the weakest faggot in the history of homosexuality.

If the guy was even talking about something like debt or a friend who died or something, and this was the trigger for wanting to kill himself, fine. I’d by sympathetic. But this asshole says that his failed YOUTUBE channel was driving him to suicide. And only the “kind” words of Zap Cristal saved him. She told him to stay the course.

That wasn’t even good advice. STOP the channel. Nobody will ever buy your music or watch your videos.

13:00 – Zap is talking about Mr Wright Way and she questions why she married him so soon after she met him. She claims that she wasn’t safe. Her “kid” wasn’t safe. He was “toxic”.

And then…she married Mr Wright Way II. Immediately after meeting him. She learned nothing.

Fuck this shit. These two complete losers deserve each other. I’m stopping the video at 18:00. She’s talking about how her Youtube videos weren’t as good when she was with Mr Wright Way because she was all sad and depressed at how “toxic” he was and how “unsafe” she and her “kid” were around him.

Even if it’s true, which I’m not saying it is, you picked him, you cretin. And then you immediately picked another black man you didn’t know anything about.

At least when you were making videos with Mr Wright Way, people watched them. NOBODY is watching this shit with Mr Wright Way II.

• “This is a very interesting episode! Yall came OUT heavy…but that’s to be expected with a season finale!”

He’s buying into the idea that this is a season finale. It’s risible. How is the Reset and Zap podcast going to end this season? Will we find out who the murderer was? Oh, it was Mr Wright Way. That toxic piece of shit who put Zap and her “kid” in a state of deep fear every day. And then she immediately married another black man she didn’t know.

• “Very honest episode between husband and wife. Know what all got through things in life.”

Both of these guys who I’m quoting are black. This is her audience. Eager black men hoping to be Mr Wright Way III. But why? Why this woman? Are they that fucking desperate? Look at her.

But they’re saying nice things to her because they hope to have sex with her. And marry her, apparently. That’s the craziest thing about all of this. She’s not just having promiscuous sex with random black men. She’s MARRYING them.

I’m eagerly looking forward to the season two premiere. Maybe she’s going to introduce a new character. Or it’s going to be a different set. What exciting adventures will await us?

Remember when These Friends of Mine was changed to Ellen in season two? That was a big change.

Or what about the season where Ellen came out as gay? And then every single episode was about how gay Ellen is? That was another big change. Can we expect changes with season two of the podcast?

Oh, that was would be epic. Mr Wright Way II is replaced by MRS Wright Way…III? Would it be three or would it be one or…because Zap is Mrs Wright Way, I guess. Well, we’ll figure out the details later. But Mr Wright II is out and he’s replaced by an aggressive and controlling black WOMAN who Zap married. What a twist. You didn’t see that coming. The rating will be through the roof. Maybe 200 views.

What are some other big changes that were made between seasons? Well, Facts of Life dropped half the cast after the first season. Molly Ringwald and so on.

Weren’t there big changes in Star Trek: The Next Generation after the first season? Did Riker grow a beard after the first season? Yeah. Season two was the debut of bearded Riker. Maybe Zap will grow a beard for season two.

Get a Life changed formats after the first season but this might be too obscure a reference. That’s probably my favourite sitcom of all time, though. Nevertheless, maybe the Reset and Zap podcast will become a surreal, avant garde comedy in season two. I’d watch every fucking episode if she did that.

Doug Porter himself.