Gamer Girls

Hello, desperation. That’s some thumbnail there. She has half a box of Kleenex in there or something to make it look like she has breasts.

0:00 – “Howdy partner.”

Fuck off. Zero charisma. Zero acting ability. Zero humour.

0:15 – Cowboys of Moo Mesa. She says of the cartoon, “I don’t remember at all so don’t feel bad if you don’t either.”

Why would anybody possibly feel bad about this? At least she admits that she’s never heard of this instead of her usual lies.

0:30 – She likes the colours. Good stuff, Erin. This is what we need. Which games have good colours?

By the way, in case it needs stating, Erin have never played any of these games. I’m saying that it’s to the point where she doesn’t even play them for the videos. This is all Mike’s footage. It has to be. It looks halfway decent.

So Mike is supplying the gameplay footage (as he openly does for Cinemassacre videos) and writing this shit (as he openly does for Cinemassacre videos). All that Erin has to do is assemble a completely half-assed cosplay outfit and read the script.

0:45 – “At first, I thought this was going to be a clone of Sunset Riders.”

She’s a big Sunset Riders fan, guys. Might have played it once for some shitty Youtube video. She plays it in this one, actually. Spoiler alert.

By the way, she’s clearly implying that she only played this game recently, for the purposes of “reviewing” it in this video. But again, I don’t even think that she’s doing that much. This is Mike playing the game.

1:00 – “There’s Moo Montana, Dakota Duke, Buffalo Bill, and the Colorado Kid. Wow. How long did it take to come up with that one? Here, let me try. How about Bullahoma, Salad Dakota, Buffalovania. I could go on all day but I’d get utterly wiped out.”

Paula Poundstone, look out.

There’s no way that Mike this part of the script. This was all Erin. The names that she came up with are fucking awful, not REMOTELY funny, and have no relation to that character names. It’s just completely “random” shit. And she couldn’t even come up with four examples. She stopped at three.

None of this is funny. There’s not one person who laughed at those names. How could they? How is it even a joke?

1:30 – Erin says that enemies “hiding in a cactus” remind her of Wile E Coyote in Chariots of Fur.

You guys all know that Wile E Coyote short, right? Chariots of Fur?

Erin seems to have this bizarre idea that people know the names of the Looney Tunes shorts. No. NOBODY knows them.

Wait. And this was released in 1994? How? For what?

It was straight to video, I guess. So who even saw this? I assumed that she was talking about the classic Looney Tunes shorts that you’d see on tv. The ones from the 1930s to the 1960s or whatever. No. This is some obscure shit that NOBODY saw. Except Mike, apparently. This was clearly a Mike reference. She’s going to start talking about her fondness for Ensign Chekov next.

1:45 – “This would have been a good addition to my horror levels in non-horror games video if I had known about it.”

Eugh. This is the problem about not knowing anything about video games, isn’t Erin? You tend not to know stuff.

2:15 – Gunsmoke. She’s a big Gunsmoke fan, guys. Mike recently played this on stream, for money, by the way. What a coincidence.

3:15 – “Why were barrels such a thing? I don’t know but Westerns loved them. Regardless of whether the wooden barrels were used for grains, pickles, or whatever, the barrel that’s important here is the barrel of your gun.”

Yeah, that’s top tier wordplay, Erin/Mike. But she’s apparently baffled by barrels. And thinks that pickles were stored in them. What?

I’m thinking that it was mostly for water. For the horses. Let’s look this up.

Oh yeah. They would be used for storing alcohol. But I mean what would be the use afterwards? Because surely they’re not putting barrels of alcohol outside. There must have been a secondary use for them.

https://www.nh.gov/folklife/learning-center/traditions/cooperage.htm

According to that site, everything was stored in barrels up until the 1900s. Wet and dry items. I’ll defer to the New Hampshire government’s expertise but we’re talking about the barrels that you see outdoors in so many Western movies. Is there any historical basis for this? If so, what was in the barrels? I’m saying that it’s water for horses. Because you’re not going to leave anything valuable outside because people will take it.

Why Erin immediately thought that pickles were stores in barrels, I have no idea.

4:00 – Sunset Riders.

4:15 – She’s talking about the various ports of the game. “I first played this back in 2006 in the arcade so I’m partial to that one.”

Uh huh. She’s a big Sunset Riders fan, guys. She was just pumping quarters into that game for years. In fucking 2006. As a 20 year old. In an era where arcades long since stopped existing.

And she’s never played any of the other ports so how can she say that the arcade is her favourite version? Just more idiotic lies from Erin. And POINTLESS lies.

5:00 – Weird cadence for “gunslinger”. She put the emphasis on the wrong part of the word. She clearly has never encountered this word before Mike handed her the script.

6:00 – Shout out to the colours.

6:30 – Cowboy Kid.

She never played this. of course.

7:00 – “There’s actually a lot of little things that remind me of Zelda in this game.”

How fucking transparent is this? Tell us more, Mike.

7:30 – Wild Guns.

“Some people get this confused with Wild Arms and Sunset Riders.”

Eugh. Why would they? If they’re familiar with the games, why would they get it confused with anything?

7:45 – “We’ll be playing as Annie today because she’s wearing a lot of pink and so am I.”

Fuck off.

8:00 – “I love robots so this game grabs my attention even though I’m not that great at it.”

You’ve never played it, Erin. But tell us more about your fondness for robots. I want to hear all the details.

She doesn’t give the slightest of fucks about robots. Why would she? This is a 35 year old woman.

9:45 – She describes one of those railroad things where two people pump a handle as a “minecart type thing”. Then text appears on the screen saying, “Nyaaaa it’s a HANDCAR bitch – Sincerely YouTube Commentator.”

Erin always seems to mis-read what people are going to get offended over. Nobody gives a shit that she called it a “minecart type thing” and nobody knows that it’s called a handcar. What people are upset about are the constant fucking lies in your videos.

10:45 – “There’s so many Wild West games out there: Lone Ranger, Mad Dog McCree, Wild Gunman, and even Barbie Horse Adventures: Wild Horse Rescue.”

Fuck off.

• “I wouldn’t mind checking you for ticks”

What? This retard thinks that this is a come on? Parasite inspection?