Gamer Girls

I want to know who these people are, if any, who are watching a 90 minute video of Newt Wallen reviewing an old movie in his kitchen. Give us the analytics, Ideas Man. What percentage of the viewers are watching this video all the way through? Is it more than zero?

Nobody can possibly be interested in this. Two people with serious mental health problems talking about the 1980s version of The Blob. For ninety fucking minutes.

So…fuck. I’ll give it the usual ten minutes and then see where we go from there. That’s how long the whole video should be. Ten minutes. We don’t need a feature film length movie review. It’s ridiculous. And they’re not even going to fucking review anything. They’re just going to summarise the movie and Newt is going to occasionally interject with some fucking creepy comment about tits or whatever.

0:00 – PVC Bondage Girl is wearing a necklace that has a bunch of zippers on it. I only mention it because I saw some horntard in the comments talk about this.

Now she’s brushing her hair. Why? Why is she brushing her hair? In Newt kitchen, especially. I know that he doesn’t cook. He has fucking toys on his stovetop. But still, he presumably eats there. They’re sitting at a table.

In any event, why would she need to brush her hair now? While making a video? She has some urgent tangles?

1:00 – Put some clothes on, PVC Bondage Girl. What the fuck is this. Whatever she’s wearing, it’s extremely low cut.

By the way, I’m at 2:30 and I have no idea what they’re talking about. I’ve already tuned out. We’re supposed to watch this for an hour and a half.

Oh. It’s a discussion about practical effects versus CGI. They’re really breaking new ground with this discussion. They prefer practical effects, by the way. Great.

Where are the vociferous CGI supporters? I’ve never seen one.

7:30 – PVC Bondage Girl is drinking from a tiny cup. What is this? Is she taking her medication?

8:15 – I hear clinking as PVC Bondage Girl is manipulating an off-screen bottle, presumably. So maybe she’s taking shots of vodka or something.

PVC Bondage Girl wasn’t sure if she saw the 1950s The Blob or the 1980s version. How is it possible?

11:00 – Newt says, “All white people kind of look the same.” I don’t know if he’s referencing his casual anti-white comments or if this was a serious comment.

13:45 – Newt prompts PVC Bondage Girl to tell some creepy story about purchasing condoms.

14:15 – Talking about the various terms for “submarine sandwich” has led Newt to mention Grindr, the app for homosexual dating. So PVC Bondage Girl says, “Even though I consider myself transmas (???) I’d feel disingenuous posting on it.”

Well no fucking shit. It’s an app for GAY MEN. Not women who look slightly masculine.

There would be fucking gay dudes on there, swiping away, they’re looking for somebody to have sex in a public toilet of something, nothing wrong with that, you do your thing, and then they’d get to PVC Bondage Girl’s profile. What the fuck? I’m here for HOT DUDES. Not women who kind of look like men.

It’s fucking ridiculous. “Tranmas”. I don’t even know what she was fucking saying.

Oh. I looked it up. “Transmasc”. Short for “transmasculine.” What’s “transmasculine”? I don’t know. Let’s find out together from the Nonbinary Wiki. Probably my favourite site.

“Transmasculine, sometimes abbreviated to transmasc, is an umbrella term that describes a transgender person (generally one who was assigned female at birth), and whose gender is masculine and/or who express themselves in a masculine way. Transmasculine people feel a connection with masculinity, but do not always identify as a man.”

So…a woman who…is a little masculine? Why would you need a name for that? We already have a term for that. “Female sports fans.”

She actually considered going on Grindr because she enjoys watching basketball. How fucking absurd is this? Those guys are looking to suck cock. Not watch a hockey game with some crazy woman.

Anyway, back to this creep story that Newt encouraged PVC Bondage Girl to tell. They were in Wawa ordering sandwiches and some guy asked for extra small condoms. That’s the story.

15:00 – PVC Bondage Girl says, “I want to make it clear that I’m not in any way shaming any size.”

What’s the point of the story otherwise? If the punchline isn’t, “Hey, that guy had a small penis”, there is no point to the story. It’s just a story about a man buying a condom. Who cares?

Then Newt reminds PVC Bondage Girl of a conversation that they had about men who enjoy being humiliated for having small penises and PVC Bondage Girl lights up and gives the name of this particular fetish (I can’t understand what she said) and that she’s really into it, apparently.

15:15 – I…what? I have to type this out.

Newt: I had to recently prove myself to some of my Youtube friends.

PVC: What do you mean?

Newt: They said that I didn’t have what I said I had.

PVC: Why does anybody care?

Newt: I don’t know. So I showed —

PVC: Did they also say that it was aesthetically pleasing?

Newt: They did, actually.

PVC: No. Bullshit.

Newt: No, no. They were all very impressed and then some were a little bit upset. So 8 Bit Eric and Gamesack and RGT and The GameChasers, and all of those guys were like, “Fuck. Newt’s got a big dick.”

What? Newt has not only come out of the closet with this comment, but he’s also outed a number of popular Youtubers. Why are they showing their penises to each other? No heterosexual man does that.

Joe from Gamesack is looking at Newt’s cock? And apparently asking to see it? This is something that interests him?

I don’t really know the other people. Let me look them up.

Oh yeah. 8 Bit Eric is definitely gay. Beard, fat, soprano voice. He’s a bear.

RGT 85, same deal.

The Game Chasers. I don’t know. They seem pretty camp from the two seconds of footage that I’ve watched.

So yeah. These are a bunch of gay “Youtubers” looking at each other’s penises. This is what apparently goes on. And Newt just mentions this like it’s normal. No. It’s fine to be gay. You do you. But I don’t think that those people want to be outed like this. In a fucking Youtube video in Newt’s kitchen.

16:45 – PVC Bondage Girl implies that she used to work at a place called Adult World, that sold condoms. Some sex shop, presumably.

18:45 – Now PVC Bondage Girl is, inexplicably, doing a TED talk on “pegging”. This is putting stuff in your ass. I mean…what is this? I guess that this is a channel for homosexual men? I probably should have guessed when I saw that there were so many men in dresses leaving comments on Newt’s Twitter. Maybe I’m just a little slow on the uptake.

Okay. So I made it to 20 minutes. They’re finally talking about the movie again. Summarising it. Great. That’s enough for me.

Let’s check out the comments, I guess.

• “Newt is packing a 10-inch hog!!! width is 1.5 inches!! It was really newt and not the matei rumors that were going around”

That was from “Horn Dog”. I’ve quoted his comments a few times. Must be some fucking faggot from Reddit who’s obsessed with Mike’s penis.

• “Nice, the video is back up! so the strike was removed!! Anothst win for the good guys!! Can’t wait to check it out now”

There are a few comments like this. Apparently, this video got removed. Somebody flagged it for copyright. Maybe it was one of the Youtubers who he so casually outed as being gay. That’s fucking outrageous. But whatever. Newt is seriously mentally ill.