Gamer Girls

This guy has a channel with 1,000 subscribers. He posts videos every day. The videos are about current events? I guess? He covers movies, sports, music, and nerd topics.

He also has a podcast. In the podcasts, he’ll talk to somebody over Skype. Some “guest” who nobody has ever heard of.

So Madam Fomo is here. Madam Fomo is here on this channel that has 1000 subscribers. This channel where the videos struggle to get 50 views.

According to the timestamps, he’s going to watch wacky videos with Madam Fomo and then, presumably, discuss the videos. Well, it’s different. Let’s check it out.

0:15 – “This year, my guest says that she’ll get her licence or get in an accident trying.”

Get it? Because she lives in New York and this is a thing that people from New York constantly talk about. Not knowing how to drive. Because New York has has a competent mass transit system.

Who gives a shit? Lots of places have competent mass transit systems. Any major city in Europe, for example. I don’t drive either. Who gives a shit? This isn’t interesting.

0:30 – “She’s a Twitch streamer and a model.”

Uh huh. “Model”. She’s a prostitute and she’s on OnlyFans.

How about an interview of her pimp? That’s what I want to see. Come on, TuanX. Don’t be bashful.

This guy’s name is Jimmy Van, by the way. He’s about 48 years old, according to his screen name.

And Madam Fomo is standing up in…oh my god. Is she in her “play” room? She buys a lot of weird children’s toys and they’re obviously for her clients. She apparently has a room dedicated to this. There’s a giant banana in a kiddie pool full of balls and…she’s getting fucked in there? Who would find this erotic?

She’s also awkward as fuck in this. No charisma.

1:30 – They’re starting with video number seven. As you do.

The video is of a man stealing a tractor. So…the idea here is that Madam Fomo is going give her thoughts on the video.

What thoughts is this guy hoping for? WHO GIVES A SHIT is my initial reaction. It’s just an excuse to talk shit about people from rural communities.

3:00 – This guy mentions that Madam Fomo is from New York for the third or fourth time. That’s at least one time a minute. We get it. She’s from New York. Allegedly. She used to say that she was originally from Florida. That story went by the wayside along with her comic writing story and a heap of other lies.

3:15 – “I don’t even know how to drive a car so I don’t know how anybody would know how to operate a tractor.”

That’s Madam Fomo’s contribution.

4:00 – He asks if Madam Fomo has ever driven on any farm equipment. There’s a joke here but I’m not seeing it.

She says that she rode on a horse.

4:15 – “In what situation did a New York girl ride on a horse.”

Is this guy out of his fucking mind? Has he never met somebody from New York before? There are fucking millions of people from New York. And even if he hasn’t met somebody from New York before, how is it at all noteworthy? By accident of birth, you were born somewhere. Great. We were all born somewhere. Who gives a shit? It’s not your entire identity.

4:30 – Madam Fomo hesitates because the following story is complete and utter bullshit. She had to quickly think of a lie. And her lies are SHIT. CHILD-LEVEL lies.

“I was working retail at the time and a few friends of mine wanted to go horseback riding so we found a place in the BRONX, weirdly enough, that had horseback riding. So we went and we rode on the back of horses.”

Uh huh. What’s the real story, Madam Fomo? Because you’ve never worked in retail. You’ve only had one job in your life: prostitute.

What does working in retail even have to do with the story? Nothing. Because it’s a lie. The real story is probably some really freaky shit involving horses, Madam Fomo, and some degenerate with $1,000 in his hand. She obviously couldn’t tell that story. So she came up with this completely generic story that went nowhere.

4:45 – Oh, then this guy raises the same question that I had.

“You said that you were working retail. How does the retail and horse riding come together?”

It doesn’t. She’s lying. This is what she does. She always panics and gives a completely absurd story that doesn’t make any sense whenever somebody asks about her past. Because the reality is that she’s a prostitute.

Then Madam Fomo gives a stupid, generic, unsatisfactory answer. She provides no further information on this story. No further details. And Jimmy Van over here clearly doesn’t believe a word of it. Because it makes no fucking sense.

6:00 – Oh, SuperGeoff is in here. Somehow he always seems to find these gamer grrls. Super Geoff is a legitimately mentally retarded man who works in a grocery store.

6:30 – So now we’re at story number six. I don’t know why this guy is doing this is reverse order but whatever. It’s a video about a dog. Oh no. Now Madam Fomo is thinking about all of the creepy shit that she’s had to do with dogs and trying to come up with a wholesome lie about dogs.

8:00 – Jimmy Van asks, “With the exception of your hair, have you ever had anything dyed?”

What? What kind of idiotic question is this?

So Madam Fomo thinks about it for a while. She’s trying to come up with a lie. She says that when she was a child she and her sister used to dye each other’s hair and the dye got all over.

Well…it’s plausible. I’ll give this lie some credit for being plausible. It’s still a lie. Everything that Madam Fomo says is a lie. But this lie is at least plausible.

9:15 – Now story number five. It’s about a Texas state senator and food labels or something.

Do you suppose that Madam Fomo knows what a state senator even is? There’s no fucking chance.

I knew somebody who worked in a state senator’s office and people would regularly call in complaining about the US senator. The guy in Washington DC. And she’d have to explain that it’s a different guy and that state senators don’t do shit.

9:45 – Jimmy Van asks, “What is the ingredient that Senator Hall wants properly labelled on food items?”

Madam Fomo says glutton, which was a sensible answer. But the actual answer was aborted human foetal tissue. Then the guy shows the proposed legislation and acknowledges that the word “aborted” doesn’t appear anywhere in it. Nevertheless, he keeps saying “aborted”.

Then he quotes somebody as saying that there is no food that has human foetal tissue in it.

14:00 – Madam Fomo says that the most adventurous food-related thing she did was when she went to Japan and tried different food.

Oh yeah. I saw those pictures. She had a Japanese Domino’s pizza. She had a Japanese gyro. She had a Japanese Big Mac. Really adventurous.

14:15 – Madam Fomo says that she’s never tried heroin. Uh huh. Moving on.

Then the next story is about a banner with a typo in it. Who cares? Who cares about any of this?

Somebody in the chat says, “We know she likes bananas.”

This is boring. I’m skipping to the next chapter.

18:30 – Florida men arrested.

Is he going to ask Madam Fomo if she’s ever been arrested?

What? No. His question is, “Have you ever had to replace something on a vehicle using some kind of makeshift artistry?” What the fuck? As you’ve gone over extensively already, she doesn’t drive.

Yeah. I’m skipping to the next chapter. Missed opportunity to grill Madam Fomo on her arrest record.

23:00 – Gamer butt-dials the police. Admits to murder. He was just talking about killing people in the game.

Next chapter.

27:30 – Russian recruitment video goes viral.

Nothing interesting.

30:15 – “I saw a video of you throwing axes and you’re from New York so this might be an easy one.”

STOP THIS SHIT! WE FUCKING KNOW THAT SHE’S FROM NEW YORK.

If she was from any other city, would this happen? Well, you’re from Sioux City so you probably don’t drive. You’re one of those Sioux City girls, aren’t you? There’s a lot of crime in Sioux City. Did you ever shoot a gun?

Go fuck yourself. It’s insulting and it makes you sound like a fucking retard. Sure, I might be from Sioux City but I know about other places. I’ve travelled. I read. I’m an educated person. I’m not just hanging out on Fourth Street every day. I’m my own person with my own opinions. Not everybody in Sioux City thinks like I think. We’re not a homogenous group. Fucking asshole.

So then this giant fucking penis, who’s from Toronto, by the way. TORONTO! WE’VE GOT A TORONTO BOY OVER HERE! SO YOU PROBABLY HAVE SEX WITH OTHER MEN, RIGHT? THAT’S WHAT THOSE TORONTO FAGGOTS DO, DON’T THEY? DIP EACH OTHER IN MAPLE SYRUP, JERK EACH OTHER OFF, AND EAT THE SYRUP/CUM MIXTURE? IT’S CALLED A TORONTO DELIGHT?

Fucking piece of shit. Expand your mind.

Oh, I got side-tracked. He asks Madam Fomo is she ever fired a gun. Here come the lies.

She says that she shot a gun while taking a vacation in Hawaii. She posted pictures of this. Her mother was in silhouette. It was really weird.

30:45 – “So you travelled 16 hours to shoot a gun. All you had to do was walk out in the street in New York.”

Yeah. And if you want to suck a dude off who’s covered in maple syrup, all you have to do is step outside of your home in Toronto. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t also enjoy sucking dudes off when you’re travelling.

Then Madam Fomo, rightly, alludes to the fact that New York has strict gun laws. Did you know about that, you fucking Toronto piece of shit?

I’m done with this shit.