Gamer Girls

Now Newt released a “teaser” video on his channel.

From the description: “I have joined my friend Fallon in production on this cool social media take on Vampires”.

That’s not what she’ll have us believe. According to the IndieGoGo page, it’s all her. She’s doing everything.

Let’s watch the video. Maybe all will be explained.

0:00 – Starts with a bad CGI explosion. Then this prostitute comes out of a casket.

Why would an explosion cause a casket to…or is the casket causing the explosion? Probably best not to devote too much brain power to this shit.

“Well hey there boos and ghouls.”

What? I have to listen to this for a fourth time. Is that what she’s saying?

Boos and boils?

THIS IS YOUR FIRST LINE, YOU HARLOT! YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN FUCKING ENUNCIATE?

Who was directing this video? Newt or the prostitute herself? If it’s Newt, he should have done a re-take. One where she’s speaking semi-coherently. If it was the prostitute herself, this illustrates one of the problems when you’re “directing” yourself.

“For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Fallon.”

I only knew that she said “Fallon” because I knew her name already. If I didn’t know her name, this would be another head scratcher.

And this is being filmed on a tripod, I think. Because her head goes out of frame for a split second. This is…this is not giving me hope that the movie, assuming it ever gets released, is going to be at all good.

Let me crank the volume up. Maybe that will help.

“And I have some really big…ahem…news.”

And she adjusts her jacket. We thought she was going to say “boobs”, right? She has big boobies. You guys like big boobies out there in the blogosphere? All of you blog heads.

What are the popular blogs nowadays? Is The Drudge Report still going?

The Drudge Report does still exist. Very hard to read, though. I didn’t know what was going on. Confusing layout.

Oh, TMZ is considered a blog. And Perez Hilton. Well, I’m in good company then. Wired is also on here.

Anyway, back to this woman’s 40 year old breasts.

“I have some big news that I’m thrilled to share with you about my new (film)”

“Film” was the difficult word to hear this time.

I’m not being an asshole. Look through my fucking 1000+ articles. How many times have I complained that somebody is difficult to understand? Only a handful of times.

But this woman is hard to understand. Maybe there’s a technical explanation. The microphone is bad or something. I don’t know. But it’s a fact that I’m struggling to understand this fucking video.

This is amateur hour over here. This is not the work of Youtube professionals. And I want to know where the blame lies. Is it with Newt or is it with this prostitute?

She then calls the film “Sex to seck”. At least that’s what I heard. And I listened to this three times. This is what I’m having to do with this video. I’m constantly having to rewind and listen again because this is bad.

And this time it can’t be blamed on an audio problem. An audio problem wouldn’t cause mispronunciation. This woman just can’t speak. This is a professional actress? Let’s look at her IMDB.

https://m.imdb.com/name/nm2430892/

A lot of uncredited roles. A lot of “Patient #1” type roles. A lot of these are short films. A lot of these appear to be student films.

But a big picture of her with a lot of makeup and filters with her tits out.

Can we get a date of birth here? No. That’s a secret. But it’s the 1970s. I can tell you that much.

0:15 – “With your help, I’d like nothing more than a happy ending but that costs money.”

This doesn’t even make sense. She made a “sexy” face after saying this so it’s a double entendre. But…oh my god. Maybe it does make sense.

A “happy ending”, for anyone who requires an explanation, is when you go to a “massage parlour” (which is a euphemism for a house of prostitution) and the “masseuse” (prostitute) gives you a handjob. Rubs your dick. Masturbates you to climax.

It’s strictly for men. If you don’t have a penis you’re not going to one of these “massage parlours” and you’re certainly not getting a “happy ending.” It’s not physically possible.

So is this woman saying that she has a penis? I would not be remotely surprised. Newt seems to attract ladyboys. Half the people who comment on his Twitter are ladyboys.

And if she’s not a ladyboy, which I’m not ruling out by any means, WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS? It doesn’t make sense for a woman to get a “happy ending.” It’s a physical impossibility.

Is there a woman somewhere in the universe who goes to “massage parlours” and expects to be masturbated after the massage? Maybe. There might be one such woman in the universe. And I guess for that one woman in the universe, you could say that she got a “happy ending”.

But we’re talking about the 0.0000000000001% of the population who goes to “massage parlours”.

“But not that kind of happy ending. See, this is a horror comedy.”

WHEN DOES THE COMEDY START? Is this the level of comedy we can expect? Shit that doesn’t even make sense read by a prostitute who can’t even speak English?

As for the horror, yes, I suppose that I’m pretty horrified by this. So well done there.

0:30 – “Sex to seck is a huge deal to me personally.”

I defy anybody to tell me that she’s saying “Sucks2Suck”. She can’t even pronounce the fucking title of the movie.

“Not only am I acting and writing but I am taking a stab at directing a feature film for the first time.”

And when she said “stab” an annoying sound effect played. I thought that something fell. No. That was intentionally inserted in post-production. And it made it difficult to figure out that she said “stab”. You’re taking somebody who already has difficulties with speaking clearly and adding shit on top of it to make it even more difficult to understand.

“I wanted to share the experience with my closest friends, who just happen to be exceptionally talented and creative and love horror as much as I do.”

Really? Who? Can we get some names? Do you want to give credit to anyone?

Newt Wallen is not going to mentioned anywhere in this thing, is he? But he’s putting the money up. He’s writing this. He’s directing this. It’s all Newt Wallen. And this whore is just taking the credit.

It’s the same fucking thing that happened with James Rolfe. Why does The Ideas Man continue to allow himself to get used like this?

Then she starts outlining the plot of this movie that Newt wrote. Or maybe he didn’t write it. I don’t fucking know. Who can tell? Everything is a fucking lie with these people. Maybe he just plagiarised it. Who the fuck knows?

In any event, the plot sounds like total dogshit. It’s about a prostitute who has bad luck and then get involved in something sinister. Wow. Bad luck, you say? And they get involved in something sinister? This is something that I have to see. I’m totally intrigued. Does stuff happen in the film? And then it gets resolved by the end? Wow. You are a fucking writing genius.

1:15 – “I am so stoked to be part of such a brilliant cast.”

Radical. You’re really dating yourself here. People haven’t said “stoked” in over 30 years. You might want to watch that.

Then she names some of the actors in this thing. It won’t shock you to learn that I never heard of any of them. There’s no fucking Brad Pitt or anyone like that. And that fat chick, who’s apparently a friend of this prostitute, will also be making her debut as a new “scream queen.” Eugh.

1:30 – “We also are planning on having a C (???) with other celebrities, guests, and horror icons.”

What in the name of fuck is she saying. She had a case of syphilis in her eye after she said the letter “C”. So…we’re supposed to be in on something. I guess. But I can’t understand what the fuck she’s saying. Come on. This is bad. REALLY bad.

Was it “seat”? That wouldn’t even make sense, would it? Having a seat where? Was it “scene”? I don’t think it was. And that wouldn’t make much sense either.

Send your answers on a postcard, please.

“I wrote Sucks2Suck to honour everything we all love about horror.”

Well, first of all, she finally pronounced the name right. So good stuff.

But again she’s taking full credit. Newt describes himself as the “co-writer”. And I’m hazarding a guess that he’s the SOLE writer. He shits these scripts out in one day. Why would he need this woman’s help? This woman who, as far as I’m aware, never wrote anything in her life? And listen to her. She lacks the mental capacity to write anything.

“Plus bring some new things to the…uhhh…chopping block.”

It sounded like “shopping block”. I only figured out what she meant because there’s no such thing as a shopping block. Well, not one that would make sense in this context, anyway. And again, they put an annoying noise in post-production which made all of this even more difficult to understand.

“Allthewhileupholdingthefinalgirl”.

What in the fuck? I had to listen to this a bunch of times too. I don’t even know what a “final girl” is, which made it all the more difficult to try to decipher this shit.

“And smashing stereotypes along the way.”

I…this is exhausting. What fucking stereotypes? Stereotypes about “final girls”? Now I have to look this up.

The last woman or girl alive in a horror film.

So…what? What are the stereotypes about such a character?

God, this is dogshit. She’s saying nothing. She’s saying nothing for three and a half minutes. Do they even have a script? This is just generic bullshit. Oh, we’re making a movie. It’s going to be a tribute to great horror movies. It’s going to smash stereotypes. There’s going to be boobies. You’re going to like it.

Is it about vampires or something? I have no fucking idea. Give us something.

“I’m really fortunate to have a killer crew and creative partner Newt Wallen.”

Well, well, well. Looks like The Ideas Man started kicking some ass. Does the IndieGoGo page still not mention him?

It does not. No mention of Newt Wallen anywhere on that page.

Anyway, she just drops it. She doesn’t say anything about Newt. Maybe list his past achievements. You know…ummm…there’s the comic book. He made a comic book. It’s still not available for sale. But he says that he made a comic book. And…Swamp Zombies 2. He had some kind of nebulous role in that. And Screenwave Media. He wrote some scripts for Monster Madness. Oh. Maybe we shouldn’t mention that last one.

2:15 – “I would like nothing more than to give these final girls the film justice that they actually deserve.”

What does any of this mean? Fucking…I don’t give a shit. This woman is a total moron. And apparently her hands are really cold. They’ve been between her legs the entire video. Newt couldn’t afford the heating bill for this “studio”.

“With your help, we can secure additional talent.”

How about any talent? She should have said, “With your help, we can secure talent. You know, actual actors and directors and writers and whatnot. People who actually know what the fuck they’re doing.”

2:30 – Really REALLY loud sound plays. So I couldn’t understand what this woman was saying. Yet again. But I’m not going to rewind because I don’t want to fucking hear that sound again. Why was it so fucking loud? Why are there all of these bad fucking CGI…effects being overlaid on the video? Confetti and whatnot? This is bad. REALLY bad.

Then she noisily and awkwardly gets back into the coffin, thereby mercifully ending the video.

Oh yeah, and she begged for money for the last minute or so of this video. I didn’t even mention that part.

This is…this is so bad. Let’s just go to the comments.

• “I was aroused, and now I’m broke! Business as usual!!!”

That comment was from “HornDog”, by the way. His actual username. Newt replies, “Then my job here is done”.

No, Newt. You’re not the pimp. You’re the trick. You’re paying this woman. You’re paying this woman unknown thousands of dollars. And for what? To hang out with you. To pretend to make shitty movies with you. It’s completely idiotic. Pay her to suck your dick. That would at least make sense. Don’t pay her to play pretend Spielberg with you.

• “Newt is the man!! She’s way hotter than that crystal chick. Way to go man I’m happy for you”

Newt replies, “Fallon is a great creative partner. And im excited to work with her. But Crystal was with me for 15 years and ill always love her. So dont wanna compare people”

These people are “actors”, right? They’re not his girlfriend.

The reason that these horntards blur the line is because they know that Newt is paying these women to hang out with him. To pretend to be his girlfriend. It’s Newt who’s blurring the line and the horntards are just recognising that.

Newt is a pathetic, lonely man who pays women to hang out with him and pretend to make movies. He did this for 15 years with Horseface. Show us the movies. Show us 15 years of movies starring Horseface.

None. Not one fucking movie in 15 years. She was just preying on this mentally challenged man. “He wants to pay me to pretend to be his girlfriend and make imaginary movies? Okay. I’ll do it.”

All the while, she’s fucking her marine corps boyfriend.

Now Newt found this other prostitute to take advantage of him. It’s pathetic in the extreme.