You know I’ve hit rock bottom when I’m reviewing this shit.
Who do I even have left?
Retro Ali hasn’t uploaded a video in ten months. She’s done with Youtube. Gained too much weight to be seen any more.
Bobdunga hasn’t uploaded in a month and she’s only doing “documentaries” now. Like three videos a year.
Pam aka CannotBeTamed seems to have had her spirit broken following a particularly poor video. She used to upload every week but now it’s just whenever. And these side projects that she does are always fucking abysmal.
Erin is basically done with Youtube. Nine videos last year. The only “content” we get from her any more are her shitty Twitch streams.
Destiny Fomo hasn’t uploaded in three months. She’s also done with Youtube. Three videos last year. She’s just OnlyFans and prostitution now. I’m not interested in reviewing either of those services. And besides, we’ve already had PLENTY of reviews of her prostitution services. They were overwhelmingly negative. The worst prostitute reviews in the history of prostitute reviews. Also, her OnlyFans is fucking terrible. At least it was from what I saw of it, like a year or two ago. Pictures of her in a one piece swimsuit taking a bath and shit like this. Fuck you.
Johanna and Tony from Hack the Movies…it’s unwatchable. Every time I write about them, it’s the same shit. I watch it for less than ten minutes and have to turn it off because I’m bored out of my fucking mind. All he does is summarise the fucking movies. And they’re always horror movies. I have no interest in this.
Pelvic Gamer. Unbelievably boring videos and she’s largely done with Youtube.
Super Retro Gal aka Super Awkard Gal hasn’t uploaded in five months. She’s done with Youtube.
TheGebs24 couldn’t release an interesting video to save her life. How many top ten Amiga games can there possibly be? I’m only interested in her videos when she’s showing what her homelife is like with her obese American girlfriend.
Zap Cristal is equal parts boring and disturbing. I’m not watching that shit.
John Riggs…fuck him. He’s only interesting when he’s going to some nerd convention and I can enumerate the amount of times that he’s stuffing his fat face.
Cinemassacre is just fucking James Rolfe sitting in front of a greenscreen reading the Wikipedia entry for some fucking movie that he’s already discussed ten times. It’s aggressively boring. Totally unwatchable.
Oh, but there’s Newt Wallen. Is there? Every fucking review is just him repeating the words “tits and gore” over and over and over again. I’ve wrung a lot of material out of Newt’s craziness but he has to really change it up.
I’ve got nothing to work with. How am I still writing articles every day?
Wesley Berry…Pushing up Roses…Jess the Intern…Zuvi…Adam the Woo. Yeah, I guess that I’ve been exploring some of the lesser known GamerGrrls topics. The deep cuts. The autobiographical stuff helps pad things out too. God, I can get ten articles just out of crazy shit that I saw at that asylum.
Anyway, Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining. What has she been drinking? I’m dying to know.
A clover club cocktail. Mmm. Okay. What does a clover club cocktail consist of, Pam?
Gin, “simple syrup” or raspberry syrup, lemon juice, and egg white.
Uh huh. Riveting. I have none of these ingredients. And now I’ll have to find a place that sells “simple syrup”. Whatever the fuck that is.
UNWATCHABLE, LADIES. I’m skipping ahead.
10:00 – Pam watched Angel Heart. It’s “a noir-style detective movie but it takes place mostly in New Orleans.”
No. Not doing this. Next chapter.
12:45 – The Lobster. It’s about a world where you have to be in a relationship and if you’re not in a relationship, you go to a hotel where, “You have to find somebody to…be with.”
Oh, Pam is getting excited here. This is right up her alley. A world where you’re required to be in a relationship. No longer would her abhorant personality be a bar to companionship. Somebody HAS to be in a relationship with her upon fear of…I don’t know. What’s the punishment for people who refuse to be in a relationship?
Oh. You get turned into an animal if you refuse to be in a relationship. Yeah, I’d take my chances with the animal transmogrification if I was paired up with Pam in such a dystopian world.
Wait. But what if they turn me into a dog? I might end up doing stuff with Pam anyway.
Unwatchable. Next chapter. Fortunately, Autismo over here puts timestamps in everything. And I appreciate the irony in me saying that.
16:00 – Easter Sunday. Some Filipino shit. Michelle aka Pele is Filipino. I guess. I mean…maybe her parents were from there. Or grandparents. Or at least one of these people. But she’s…she lives in the US. She was presumably born there. She sounds American. She doesn’t sound Filipino. So why so much Filipino shit?
Skipping ahead.
18:45 – Fiddler on the Roof. Really? Is Pam Jewish? Maybe it’s Pele who’s Jewish.
By the way, the real Pele died recently. I mentioned him in a previous Point and Drink Adventure and asked if he was still alive. He was at the time. But no longer. I didn’t see Newt tweet about him, though.
Okay, so I watched this entire section of the video. The part about Fiddler on the Roof. You want to know what they talked about? NOTHING! “It was good. I liked it.”
22:00 – Cabaret. No. I’m not going to be burned twice. Moving on.
26:15 – Thoroughbreds. No. I’m not doing it.
28:15 – Vicky Cristina Barcelona. This is a Pele pick. She says that she took an edible before watching the movie. Uh huh. Maybe take an edible before doing the podcast. It might make this shit approach watchability.
Pele talks forever about how Woody Allen is “problematic” and Pam just nods solemnly.
Moving on.
32:30 – Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Fuck. This is going to be one of Pam’s, I just know it. She’s trying to get something going with Pele. And she’s doing this really misguided, racist thing where she watches Asian movies. You know…because Pele is Asian.
They start talking about how hot the lead actress is. Eugh. Go masturbate before you make the video, ladies. I’m moving on.
37:45 – Halo 2. I could not care less. Moving on.
41:00 – Pentiment. Oh. This is the video that killed Pam’s Youtube channel. I don’t care. I’ve already watched her awful video. Or at least parts of it.
48:15 – Vampire Survivors. Pam says that the game is “stupid” and “all you do is walk around” and “boring.” “It’s just like sitting at a slot machine”.
This is why Erin plays the game so much, on stream, for money. It’s an easy game.
52:00 – Excavation of Hob’s Barrow. Point and click adventure. Pam played this on stream, for money. BORING!
55:00 – Arcadegeddon. These two dullards played the game together during “Wednesday Co-Op” or something. They have a day set aside to play games together…I guess. Weird. Let’s see what else you ladies have.
1:01:15 – Pick ups. Pele bought some records. Or “vinyl” as the hep cats call them. A Kirby “vinyl”. She says that Kirby is cute. Three times so far. No. A thousand times no.
1:11:15 – The merciful end of the podcast. I didn’t even watch this shit and I’m exhausted. I watched like five minutes total of this video. It was still too long. I could not imagine watching this entire 72 minute video.
They encourage you to leave a comment or email. They’re really pushing the email. Pele says that she responds to every email but only a few of the comments.
Well, this video only has fucking seven comments. And nobody replies to any of them.
“It depends how much you make us laugh. If you make us laugh, maybe.”
She wants you to dance like a fucking monkey in order to get a reply. And like a response from this woman is some kind of prize.
Hey, ladies, why don’t you try making me laugh? Why don’t you try to entertain the fucking audience in some way, shape, or form? The miniscule audience. This video has 858 views after a month.
Maybe if you start putting out interesting videos, people will fucking watch them.
“Make me laugh.” Fuck you and fuck your replies or lack thereof.
Then they give a shoutout to polymedianetwork dot com where you can listen to more absolutely dreadful podcasts. There’s a picture of all the people who work on these podcasts. It’s Pam, Pele, and six pathetic middle aged men. Five of these men are in short pants.
Guys…once you hit the age of 12, your days of wearing short pants should be over. Put some trousers on like a big boy. For what it’s worth, both Pam and Pele are wearing jeans. They’re the most masculine people in this lineup.
But yeah, fucking shorts…fuck you. Shorts and a video game t-shirt. You’re grown men. Try to dress as such.
And at least one guy couldn’t even be bothered to put fucking shoes on.