0:45 – He’s talking about some director that he likes. “He did the 1313 movies if you’re into all-male erotica. You know, I’m not but I’m also not opposed to it.”
I…what? Let me look this up.
He was talking about David DeCoteau According to Wikipedia, he’s openly gay. There are 14 movies in the 1313 series and they were all released in 2011 and 2012. He seems to crank out a lot of total pieces of shit.
But getting back to the 1313 movies, this is clearly homoerotica. Dicks and gore, if you will.
None of these movies are worthy of a Wikipedia article but I found some reviews on IMDB. Like this one for Frankenqueen:
The movie has an awesome cast of frat guy style bros who don’t wear shirts, and swim, hang out in the hot tub, drink beer, brag about chicks, work out, and wrestle. That’s not the story, it’s just the backdrop.
The only drawback is the woman wearing the corset. She’s a scientist and she does a bunch of science, and there’s a pretty cool story about her evil plans and stuff. I liked that part, but she was pretty old. The good thing is any time she’s on the screen, so’s a bro, like getting scanned all evilly, walking slowly in his underwear, or laying on a bed or showering or something.
I got a little confused about which guy was which, but it made sense once you figured out which one was well known for what – and that was important for the movie’s story. I really liked this movie. It was exactly the kind of non porny bro movie where you could enjoy some built guys without feeling like you were just watching something weird.
No, no. That doesn’t sound weird at all. It sounds like that guy really enjoyed the movie except for the scenes where there was a woman.
Maybe Newt should do a review on one of these movies. Try to win over the boys from the TheCinemassacreTruth sub-reddit.
2:30 – “Nightmare Sisters I just saw myself a few months ago and myself and two very, very attractive, very out of my league ladies sat down and reviewed it but the footage didn’t look like how I wanted it to look so we’re going to get back together and redo that one.”
What? Why is mentioning these people’s appearance?
Because that’s exactly what these videos are. He’s making these videos for two reasons:
- To attract the horntard demographic
- To boost his own ego by paying women to spend time with him
Newt, you’re supposed to be choosing people to co-host based on their knowledge of cinema and ability to present an engaging review. Not what they look like.
But he’s openly admitting that it’s just about their appearance. This is his selection process. At least he’s honest about it. Tony from Hack the Movies does the same exact thing but he doesn’t state as such.
3:00 – “The plan was, last year, to sit down with some of my very attractive horror-minded friends and start doing reviews.”
Oh. He’s talking about that idea for a show that he had where he was going to review movies with that tatted-up old prostitute and some soccer mom. Yeah, that idea fell by the wayside because now Newt is a big time…what? What is he doing?
On Twitter, he talks about all of these scripts that he’s writing. Comic book scripts and movie scripts. But what’s happening with them? Where is this fucking Florida Man comic? His last failed promise on this was that it was going to be released for Christmas. Christmas is here. Now is the time when people are buying Christmas gifts. Where’s the comic?
Not here. Next Christmas, perhaps.
And who the fuck can possibly be buying these awful, awful movie scripts? He openly admits that he shits them out in two days. “The sooner I write, the sooner I get paid”. This is a direct quote from Twitter. As here:
Oh, no. I got it wrong. He actually said, “Quicker I write. Quicker I get paid.”
Where do I even begin with the mistakes in those two alleged sentences? And this guy says that he’s a fucking writer?
3:30 – He’s reminiscing about the 1990s, before the internet. “You’re in an era for horny, prepubescent dudes to get to see boobs and butts and gore and in that time, I was that perfect age for that kind of kid.”
And he’s obviously still at that age mentally. It’s the same fucking video over and over and over again. Newt in his kitchen talking about some “tits and gore” video that NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN AND NEVER WANTS TO SEE.
Who’s the fucking audience for this? Who is ever going to look for a review of Sorority Babes in Slime…whatever this is called? Nobody. Nobody has ever seen the movie so of course nobody is going to want to look for a review of it.
Parallels can be drawn to the Gamergrrls blog. Nobody on earth is looking for reviews of Youtube videos. Is this a genre that even exists? Certainly, nobody is looking for reviews of Youtube videos for the little-known Youtubers who I cover.
So why do people come here? Because my prose transcends the topic. The videos are just a vehicle to showcase my comedic writing, political ideology, and talk about anecdotes from my past.
I don’t even think that people watch the videos. Who the fuck is watching an Erin Plays video or any of these other nobodies who I talk about? They come here because they like the GamerGrrls persona. They’re entertained by the articles.
Is Newt Wallen transcending the tits and gore genre? Is anyone tuning in because Newt is so charismatic? Or witty? Or he has so many interesting things to say? Do people like the Newt Wallen persona?
He’s a fucking creep. I’m sorry. He’s a creepy man. He pays women to hang out with him. He’s constantly talking about tits and gore. He’s clearly mentally unwell. He quit his job to pursue these horrible ideas that are clearly doomed to failure.
What’s the appeal? There is none.
14:15 – “I hate always talking about tits and gore. Everybody is like, ‘Oh, this is all he ever talks about’. No, it’s just a big part of my fucking upbringing was being a horny little fucking idiot and now I’m a horny old idiot and I like seeing that kind of shit in horror movies.”
We all enjoy pornography, Newt. You don’t have to talk about it in every fucking video. You don’t have to talk about it AT ALL. It’s not an interesting topic.
You ever see Boobarella? That Wendy Whoppers really had some big breasts. And she got fucked. It was pretty hot.
Who cares? This is boring. Nobody wants to read about porn. Or watch some Youtube video where a guy talks about porn. Even watching porn itself, unless you’re in the mood, that shit is boring as fuck. Nobody is watching porn for general entertainment.
Is anybody being titillated by Newt’s videos? “Oh, yeah. He’s going to talk about boobies. Give it to me, Newt. I’m ready to go.”
15:00 – “I watch good shit too but who the fuck wants to see a 41 year old guy sitting in his fucking kitchen talking about art when he could be talking about, ‘Oh, yeah. This shitty movie reminds me of this shitty movie’ and, ‘Oh, there was this really cool kill; and, ‘Somebody’s boobs were big’? The only reason people watch this kind of shit is to see me talking about that kind of stuff or to tell me that I suck.'”
Again, I don’t buy it for the reasons explained above. Not a single person is tuning in, with their dick in their hand, ready for Newt to talk about big boobs. That’s not erotic. To anyone.
If he was reviewing legitimate movies, I can see an audience for that. Maybe not Newt in particular because I don’t know if he has the charisma to pull it off but obviously people watch movie reviews. If they’re funny or engaging in some way, people will watch.
Look at video game reviews. If somebody is knowledgeable and engaging like, say, Joe from Gamesack, they’ll watch the videos. If somebody isn’t interesting like, say, Erin Plays, they won’t watch.
Then you look at somebody like James Rolfe. Nobody was fucking watching the videos because they were interested in hearing James Rolfe’s opinions on Deadly Towers or whatever. They watched because the videos were funny and engaging. He transcended the subject matter. People were entertained by the video itself, not the subject. The game was just a vehicle to showcase his comedy.
I don’t think that Newt is going to transcend shit. Look at fucking Tony from Hack the Movies. Those videos are entirely unwatchable due to the absolute dearth of charisma or comedic abilities of everyone involved. Newt is no different. He’s not a funny guy. I’ve never laughed at anything that he said. And where’s the charisma?
It’s conceivable, although extremely unlikely, that if he was reviewing normal movies he could churn out watchable videos. He was watchable on Hack the Movies. So maybe something like that. Maybe. It’s doubtful, though.
What I would recommend, of course, is to get a normal job like a normal person and put this Youtube shit away. It’s the exact same advice that I have for everybody whose videos I cover. So it’s not just Newt. I’m not picking on Newt. They’re all terrible. They’re all unwatchable. None of them have any talent for this shit. Erin Plays, Bobdunga, Retro Ali, CannotBeTamed, Pelvic Gamer, John Riggs, Tony from Hack the Movies, Horseface, Johanna, Destiny Fomo, Zap Cristal, they should all shut down their channels right now, today, and go out and find a normal job that they’re good at and will enjoy.
17:45 – “Let’s do a gender swap one next time. Let’s do Sorority Hunks.”
Umm…I think that it would be Fraternity Hunks. And I think that the guy who did that 1313 movie already made such a movie. Maybe several of them.
Comments.
- “Newt: who wants to watch a 41 year old man in his kitchen.. Me: me! Newt: I want someone to exploit me.. Also me: hand raise”
That was from Christine Horror. Good taste prevents me from linking to her Youtube channel but she’s a…let’s say rubenesque middle aged woman. But is it a woman? You never know with Newt’s crowd. It might be a man in a dress.
Anyway, Newt replies, “Haha you are the best”. So he’s up for it. But not really. He’s only interested in paying “hot” women for their company.
“ I don’t even think that people watch the videos. Who the fuck is watching an Erin Plays video or any of these other nobodies who I talk about? They come here because they like the GamerGrrls persona. They’re entertained by the articles.”
Exactly this. I haven’t watched a single one for these videos for months. I used to watch Hack the Movies until I realised I don’t need humourless summaries of films I probably won’t watch. Now I’m a weirdo who reads a daily blog about videos I don’t watch and people I don’t like.
I appreciate the comment and…readership.
Haha, same here. HacktheMovies and some of the others were previously in my rotation as background noise while working, but I grew tired of their “formulas” quite some time ago. Now I’m also a reader of a blog about content I did not watch.