New co-host. I can picture how this came about.
Johanna: Hi Tony. Sorry for calling you so late. I’m in Disney World again so can’t film one of your little videos.
Tony: Fuck. Now I have to find another fat chick with no charisma. Which one of my scumbag acquaintances can I scrounge up for this one?
Ohhhh. I’ve read the description. It’s his cousin Monica. How nice.
What are the odds that Horseface is going to talk about how hot this woman is? And do you suppose that she has a “sexy” Instagram? Or even an OnlyFans or Fansly? Let’s find out.
Well, here’s her Twitter:
Nothing interesting there. She also has an Instagram.
https://www.instagram.com/storyintheend/
It’s private. And the public picture is her at her wedding, I assume. So maybe this is a normal person for once. How refreshing.
I also had the same jacket as this woman, back in 1994, when flannel was fashionable. So it’s a good start. I’m cautiously optimistic.
I’m six minutes in and Crystal is REALLY OBNOXIOUS. She keeps talking over everybody. I don’t want to fucking hear it.
I’m thinking I might take a nap already. Let my subconscious deal with this shit.
I think that Tony is cutting his hair shorter. Maybe he should just buzz it all the way down. Because his hair is thinning.
I’m at 14 minutes. Horseface HAS NOT SHUT UP. She’s ranting about homosexuals in Hollywood and how it’s wonderful that they create their homosexual visions so openly now. Wow. Horseface is really progressive. Extra brownie points for Horseface here.
17:15 – Horseface interrupts Tony to talk about an orgy scene. She is fucking awful. And she CAN’T STOP TALKING. It’s AWFUL.
God. I can’t with this. She’s not shutting the fuck up. At all. This fat chick hasn’t said ANYTHING. She’s not given a chance.
Let me check out the comments while Horseface drones on about hot chicks or whatever.
- “Damn, Tony’s cousin is hot.”
Dude. Come on. Is this a joke? I can’t tell. It very well may not be. These horntards have no standards whatsoever.
- “I was gonna say your cousin was cute, but then I found out she loved Hellraiser 4”
No. They weren’t joking.
20:45 – Back to the video. Tony asks what the term is when a man solicits a prostitute. It’s “John” but Tony isn’t sure. Horseface doesn’t know either. She says that she doesn’t know enough about sex work.
Uh huh. But anyway, yes, of course it’s “john”. How can you not know this? It’s common knowledge.
23:15 –
Tony: Then we have our main character Riley. She’s getting ploughed by her boyfriend.
Horseface: Yeah, she is!
Tony: Then he pops the “L” word out a little too early for her.
Horseface: Don’t do that. Guys, don’t do that. Oh, can I just tell you, the most awkward thing that’s ever happened to me during sex was this guy literally said, “We make cute theatre babies together.” I was like, I don’t know what the fuck was that.
Tony: What the fuck does that —
Horseface: Because he knew I liked theatre and…like, that was it.
Horseface. Please. Listen to me. NOBODY FUCKING CARES! Take your boring, pointless sex stories and shove them right up your fucking ass.
Horseface: This was right after I graduated high school.
Tony: (clearly exasperated) Okay…
Horseface: And I was going to school for theatre, and he’s like, “Ummm…naked girl, she likes theatre”. Just, you know what, just don’t talk?
This is advice that Horseface should be taking right now. This fat chick clearly doesn’t want to listen to this shit. Tony clearly doesn’t want to listen to this shit. And I, along with everyone watching this who isn’t a horny retard, also don’t want to listen to this shit.
The story is fucking stupid and goes nowhere. She just has to talk about sex constantly. She has to promote the illusion that she’s a hot chick and people want to have sex with her. She’s not and they don’t. Fucking look at her. We’re not blind.
24:00 – Tony asks if Horseface is in therapy. Horseface says, “I actually am. I have a Fansly now and it pays for my therapy.”
They bleeped “Fansly” out because, apparently, you can’t say that on Youtube.
Then Tony starts talking about how hypocritical it is for Youtube to say that they support women but not when women want to make porn. I’m not sure if Tony understands the full argument but let’s move on.
Then Horseface says that Fansly isn’t a porn site and attempts to continue this absolute bullshit lie but Tony interrupts her. You know why? Because this is supposed to be a review of Hellraiser. Right? Why are we talking about a horsefaced woman having sex? I don’t want to hear that. It’s revolting.
I’m going to have to stop here. Will Horseface talk about hot chicks in the movie? Almost certainly. Will she give some more nauseating and pointless sex stories? Yeah, probably. But I don’t give the slightest of fucks about any of that. This is supposed to be a fucking movie review. Get rid of this loud, obnoxious, narcissistic retard so that maybe people can actually get a word in edgewise and perhaps discuss the movie.
Let me search the comments for “Crystal”. This is how Horseface reads the comments as well.
- “Thank God Crystal is back without that mouthy Newt guy.”
Did this guy just wake up from a year long coma?
It’s like on Reddit, I saw a comment asking what happened to Rental Reviews. It’s been gone for like three years, you fucking moron. How can you not know this if you’re such a big fan of the show?