Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-0gvVeuIrQ

I am not going to watch one second of the actual gameplay because I am well beyond bored of watching Erin play Castlevania games for the first and last time ever.  

Fortunately, she time-stamped this video and she did her usual bang up job.  It’s a three hour video and it’s divided into 

0:00 – Intro
0:38 Stream 1
1:11:50 Stream 2 Start
1:12:13 Squishmallows
1:14:05 Back to the game

I’m only going to be watching the intro and the Squshmallows portions of the video.

0:00 – Views must be WAY down.  Erin is showing a quarter inch of cleavage, which is the maximum amount that she can show, given what she’s working with.  

And this intro was just done for Youtube.  It was recorded on the same day as the second stream, because she wears this top on that stream too, but this was obviously recorded after the second stream.  She basically tells you not to watch the first stream because she doesn’t know what she’s doing in the game.  How bad must this gameplay be that even Erin says that it’s unwatchable?  I refuse to find out.

0:15 – “I tried to edit it down a bit so that it would be less annoying to watch.”

Very misguided.  The edits turn terrible videos into unwatchable trash.  I have no idea why she does this.

0:30 – The stream starts and Erin is wearing a Friday the 13th shirt.  I have a vague memory of Erin saying that she didn’t see any of the movies.  Maybe I’m just thinking that because that’s what Erin always says for every movie.  She’s a big Friday the 13th fan.

Oh, and there’s a giant plush novelty behind her.  This is a 34/35 year old woman.

0:45 – “About a year ago, I beat Castlevania 64, just regular Castlevania 64.”

On stream for money.  As usual.  Go on.

“I didn’t hate it as much as I thought I would.  There was just that one platform.  I played as Carrie and the one platforming part with the crystals drove me fucking insane.  That was the first time in my life that I ever threw a controller.”

Oh.  Some historical faux nerd rage.  I’m sorry that I missed this.  Because that’s what “gamers” do, right?  They throw controllers?  And Erin is a big “gamer”.  She gets very invested in the games and then becomes super angry when she doesn’t do well.  

Anyway, fuck this shit.  I said I wasn’t going to watch this.  Let’s move on to 34/35 year old Erin talking about more plush novelties that she got.  With Mike’s money, of course.

1:11:45 – It’s the start of the second stream and she’s talking about a previous stream.  “Remember how I said in that stream, ‘Oh, I think I’m getting sick’?  Well, I did get sick.”

Well, what was the illness?  She doesn’t say.  She just moves on.  Maybe it was explosive diarrhoea or something.  There’s no need to be embarrassed, Erin.  It happens to everybody.

I remember walking home from work once and I just suddenly felt ill.  Like I had to vomit.  But I was only five minutes from my home so I thought I could make it.  Spoiler: I couldn’t.  

Then there was another time, exact same situation, but this time about poop.  I suddenly really had to go but I was five minutes from my home.  I can do this.  Keep it together.  

It really was getting to me and I felt the need to break wind so I thought, “Well, maybe it will help.”  Turns out, this particular flatulence was more solid than normal.  Nothing crazy but…there was something back there.  Not a full on chunk but something.

So I finally get home and I think, “I’ll just take my coat and shoes off, maybe get changed, and then I’ll go to the toilet.”  Nothing doing.  As soon as I get in the door, I have an urgent need to shit right that second.  There’s no time to mess about with taking coats off.  

So that was that.  I had to immediately change my underpants after that due to the incident on the street.  But I wasn’t sick for either of these incidents, as far as I’m aware.  So I don’t know what it was.

Anyway, Erin Plays.

1:12:00 – “You guys, I got some new Squishmallows.”

Let me look this up.  Oh, Google suggests “Why are Squishmallows so valuable?”  Maybe this is Erin’s retirement plan.  

The link compares them to Beanie Babies.  Yeah.  There are a lot of Beanie Baby millionaires out there.  

“The appeal can be because they’re extra cute, part of a unique set, or haven’t been produced a lot”

Uh huh.  Sounds like a sound investment.  

1:12:30 – “This one is a gachapon machine!”

Oh!  You guys all know gachapon machines, right?  Erin’s viewers are mostly in Japan, I think.  Horntard hikikomori.  They have a bowl of ramen in one hand, themselves in the other, and they’re watching Erin play a game that she hates, poorly, for money.

I read recently that that the chubby Asian woman from the Metal Jesus crew finally went to Japan.  Can that be right?  Let me check.

https://twitter.com/KinsZilla/status/1548201950138605568

“At the Beer Fest at Kyoto Tower today!”

So yeah, it seems so.  It’s sad that she seems to be a raging alcoholic.  Who the fuck goes to a country and then just drinks all the time?  

I remember reading a story in a British newspaper about people on “holiday”/vacation to Dubai complaining that alcohol wasn’t available.  This was a story in the fucking newspaper.  People were raising a stink because they couldn’t get alcohol in the Middle East.

Why were these people surprised?  Are they not at all familiar with the religion of peace?  

So I get to the comments and I’m thinking, “Man, these people are going to tear the author of this article a new asshole.”

No.  Everybody was in full agreement that it’s outrageous that people visiting Dubai were denied their right to drink alcohol.

Hey, you fucking morons, there’s more to do than sit in a dank tavern and get blind drunk.  Maybe check out the sights?  Maybe see how people live?  

No.  We just want to get drunk.  You could have stayed home and got drunk in your underpants.  Why the fuck would you go all the way to Dubai for this?  

So anyway, Kinsey.  She’s CONSTANTLY talking about drinking.  Fucking do something else.  You’re wasting your life with the devil’s brew.

Just look at her fucking Twitter.  I’ve barely scrolled down and I’ve already found three tweets about her drinking alcohol.  It’s pathetic.

Anyway, back to Erin who may or may not be an alcoholic.  Maybe alcohol would actually help with Erin’s videos.  Help give her some personality.  Or maybe it’s the viewers who should be intoxicated in order to get through this shit.

So Erin is showing the “gachapon” toy.  “She’s so cute”.  That’s a direct quote.  That’s fascinating stuff.

“She’ll give you a toy…like in Kirby!”

Oh!  Erin is going to namecheck a game that she recently played, on stream, for money.  How unusual.  She never does that.

1:13:00 – “They always have weird names, like human names.  Like her name is Maylene.  I’m probably going to name her something else.”

What’s your name idea?  Don’t leave us in suspense.  I want to hear all of Erin’s riveting name choices.  Each one more riveting than the last.

No.  She doesn’t say.  

Then she mentions other toys in this line but says, “These two captured my heart.”

She really loves heart-based expressions.  Like she used to say, “It’s where my heart is” CONSTANTLY.  There was a period where she couldn’t stop saying this.  She’d play a game once, on stream, for money, and then say, “It’s where my heart is.”  And then never play the game again.

1:13:15 – “This one, you’re going to know why I bought this one.  Vector graphics boy.”

She’s a big Vectrex fan, guys.  She played it once, on stream, for money, and then never again.

1:13:30 – “I was like, ‘Oh my god.  He’s so cute'”.

Oh.  That’s very interesting, Erin.  I’m at the edge of my fucking seat here.  Tell us more things which you find cute.  

Then she reads the tag.  The tag gives you a little backstory about the character.  This is just top tier material.  This is what Twitch was made for.  

She’s still reading the tag.  “‘Are you ready to go back in time Aiden?’  Yeah.  He’s part of our squad.”

What squad would that be?  The unemployed fraudster squad?  

So that’s Erin pretending to be interested in toys based on video game shit.  Then she plays a game from 30 years ago and pretends to be interested in that.  

Let’s check out the comments.

Nothing interesting.  Much like the lady herself.