Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TFq_wyYBJU

0:00 – “I guess, you’re probably a fan of first-person shooter games.”

Not me, Jimmy.  You’ve got the wrong guy.

Sure, I’ve played Doom.  It was just what everybody was talking about and I was the right age.  I was in high school.  It was all the rage.

I thought that it sounded stupid as fuck, though, so I avoided it.  I preferred more cerebral games like Sierra adventure games (the ones where you have to type, not really the clicking ones) and grand strategy games like Civilization.  

But I finally broke down and got Final Doom.  I must have been in college at this point.  I played it but I didn’t like it.  It was fucking impossible.  I only played it on god mode and explored the levels.  

I tried other games in the genre.  I got the Duke Nukem Collection which contained a bunch of those games.  That sucked ass and again, I only played on god mode.

Then I got Half-Life.  This must might have been after college or in my later college years.  Half-Life remains the only good first person shooter that I’ve ever played.  I played it on regular mode.  No god mode required.  It has reasonable difficulty.  And I got up to the Xen level and I quit.  You had to make some jumps and…I didn’t know what the fuck was going on and I gave up.  I think that this is a lot of people’s experience with Half-Life.  They quit at the Xen level.

But from Half-Life, I also played Team Fortress Classic and, briefly, Counterstrike.  I didn’t care much for Counterstrike, I couldn’t even tell the difference between my team and the enemy team.  Everybody looked the same.  

I played Team Fortress Classic for many thousands of hours, though.  Are we including this as a first person-shooter?  I guess we’d have to.  But multiplayer.  Half-Life is the only single player first-person shooter that I’ve ever liked.

I also played Day of Defeat a fair bit.  They had so many good mods for Half-Life.  Full games, made by amateur nerds in their parents’ basement that you could play for free just with a copy of Half-Life.  The value of that game was through the roof.  You pay forty bucks or whatever and get thousands of hours of playtime across dozens of games.  

Then I got Half-Life 2.  That sucked.  I didn’t get too far before losing interest.  

But I was able to play Team Fortress 2 with that.  Or was Team Fortress 2 its own game?  I don’t remember.  But I played Team Fortress 2 for many thousands of hours up until just a couple of years ago when I finally quit.  The game has been overrun by hacks.

What else?  Max Payne and the sequel.  Those suck ass.  There was some game from the 1990s, I think, where you could choose from three characters (a sexy lady, maybe a robot, and maybe an alien or a werewolf) and that sucked ass.  Oni sucked ass.  Portal sucked ass.  Oh, that game I was thinking of earlier was Eradicator.  It still sucked ass.  Half Life: Blue Shift…I didn’t play it for long so it must have sucked ass.  Same with Half-Life: Opposing Force.  Quake sucked ass.  I’m not even sure if I played it but I played some Team Fortress mod for Quake or…something.  No, it was Unreal.  I only played against bots because it was years after the game was released.  It was okay but didn’t hold my interest too long.

Oh, Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II and Mysteries of the Sith.  I liked those games.  Definitely in multiplayer, less so in single player but it was still somewhat fun.

I think that that’s every first-person shooter that I’ve ever played.  I went through the list on Wikipedia.  So yeah, I don’t like them, Jimmy.  What’s your point?

Are we expected to believe that James Rolfe likes first person shooters?  Or at least this fucking ancient game Doom?  Is that what he wants us to believe?  This is insulting to my intelligence.  James does not play fucking video games.

0:15 – I…what?  This is just an advertisement?  He’s shilling for a fucking documentary.  What in the name of the fuck?  Is this really happening?

Oh, Deus Ex.  I played that for a bit.  I had fun at the time but I didn’t get too far in the game.

Back to the shilling.

Oh my god.  This is shameful.  

This was just a fucking ad.  It’s a good thing that I filibustered for 15 paragraphs about games that I played.

And it’s so fucking disingenuous.  James Rolfe does not play games.  He doesn’t know anything about Doom.  He gave only the most superficial, idiotic contributions.  “I liked punching demons in the face.  Who does that?  Who punches demons in the face?”  Good job, Mr Autism.

What the fuck is this horseshit?  How could anybody think that this was a good idea?  Clearly label the video a fucking advertisement.

This isn’t worth posting but I already wrote like 20 paragraphs before I realised that it was an ad.  So sorry about this.  It’s a monument to James’ being a giant fucking shill at least.