Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CixRRG64HM

I watched about half of this for my own enjoyment and had to turn it off.  It’s bad.  The usual autistic shit from Jimmy.  

Then I checked out Reddit and they loved it.  It’s because the video reeks of Mike Matei and they’re gay for Mike over there.  Literally gay.

So let’s try again.  

0:00 – “Thanks for watching the start of a new season of Angry Video Game Nerd.”

When do these “seasons” start and end?  Is it just by calendar year?  But yeah, this is just autistic bullshit from Jimmy.  Categorising and numbering everything.  Nobody on earth cares what “season” any of this is.  Except Jimmy.

0:15 – But first a word from our sponsor.  Some VPN.

He gives the same bullshit about changing your region to bypass region blocked stuff on Netflix, which, as I’ve said many times, I think is against the terms of service for Netflix.  

1:15 – Mike made a title card for this.  It starts with a “lost” episode from 2007 so they’re trying to recreate what an episode from 2007 looked like.  Which season was 2007?  Who knows or cares?  But I bet Jimmy would know.

When I first saw this “lost” episode, I genuinely thought it was an old episode.  Maybe I just wasn’t paying close attention.  But no, he just did shit to the video and whatnot to make it look older.

There’s a carefully cropped shot of Jimmy blowing into an NES cartridge.  They cropped off his hair or lack thereof.  

Yeah, you can definitely tell that this is 2022 James Rolfe.  Maybe I wasn’t paying attention or maybe I didn’t know what this was.  I might not have known that this was supposed to be an old episode at this point.

By the way, I had The Last Ninja for the PC.  It was a bad game but I played it.  The game that they’re playing here is actually the sequel.  They mention this later in the episode.  I didn’t have the sequel, I had the original game, which takes place in feudal Japan.  The sequel takes place in modern New York City which is idiotic, of course.

2:00 – “I love how the energy meters are spirals.”

Mike streamed this game recently.  That’s why this video is happening.  It’s all based on Mike briefly streaming this game.  James never played this game in his life, not even for this video.

Anyway, one of Mike’s bizarre complaints about this game was that the energy meters are spirals.  I have no idea why this is a problem for him.  But here it is in the video.  He wrote this.  I assume that he wrote the entire thing, but he definitely wrote this spiral health thing.

Here’s the video where Mike streamed this game:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuGiv-CQo9w

A lot of the “jokes” that he makes in that video find their way to this AVGN video.

2:45 – Jimmy has a hard time jumping on a moving boat.  You need to land on this boat to jump across the river.  

Mike had a really hard time with this when he streamed this game.  By the way, I’m pretty sure that this was the first and only time that he ever played this game.  The jumping is bad.  Like everything else in the game, it has to be done in a very particular way.  But once you figure it out, it can be done.

3:15 – Then there’s an autistic rant about how Jimmy can’t understand how you can still play a game when you have zero lives.  It’s not that challenging, Jimmy.  You have zero lives remaining.  So this is your last life.  

3:30 – “I also love how the score board has Bert and Ernie, Barney and Fred, and Stan and Oliver.”

Mike made the same stupid comments when he streamed this.  It’s blatantly obvious that Jimmy is just an actor.  He’s just reading all of this.  These are all Mike’s observations on a game that he played one time, on stream, for money.  And Jimmy never played this.  He’s just actor.  A bad actor, but still an actor.

If I was bored out of my mind, I would compare this video to the stream that Mike did and timestamp where each “joke” and comment came from.  

But I can at least do this high scores list one.  It’s at 27:30 in Mike’s stream that I linked to above.

“Hold up.  All of the things that I talk about, all the time, on stream: Bert and Ernie, Fred and Barney, and Stan and Laurel.  Did you see that?”

Back to the AVGN video, Jimmy says, “Who were the target audience for this game?  Kids.  Kids who like ninjas, dinosaurs, robots, and GI Joe.  Do you think any of these kids knew Laurel and fucking Hardy?”

In a recent Talk About Games, which is the podcast that Mike does with Ryan, Mike was talking about jokes and references that developers put into games.  So when you’re playing a game from the 1980s, there will be references to the 1950s because that’s what the developers grew up with.  Actually, I think that I can find this reference.  It’s in this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYhCPRUkhm8

He’s talking about Bart vs the Space Mutants.

12:45 – 

Mike: The mall is all just jokes.  There’s a pair of shoes that go along the ground and they’re doing the Moonwalk and you’re like, ‘Oh, Michael Jackson’.  Then you see stores in the background and one says, ‘The Really Big Shoe’, which is a reference to The Ed Sullivan Show.  Once again, we have to go back in time here because it’s like when we did The Three Stooges.  The developers were older so those were jokes that they put in for themselves but nobody is going to get that now.

Ryan: So the developers were our age now.

Mike: Or maybe even older.  They were probably in their 50s then so they remember that shit.

I find it surprising that Mike things that video game development is something that men in their 50s do.  I’d guess that the average age of a game developer is about 24.  But Mike thinks that it’s doddering old men who are cranking out these games.  

Anyway, it’s the same fucking “joke” that Jimmy made in this episode.  This is all Mike.  Jimmy is just reading this.  And Mike is a lazy writer.  He’s just referencing things that he said recently in a stream, for the one time that he played this game, or something that he said on Talking About Tapes.  

4:30 – Now the time travel bullshit.  Modern day Jimmy is talking to his 2007 self via this “old” review.   Jimmy loves time travel.  It’s one of his autistic fixations.

5:15 – His 2007 self says, “You need to release this video” referring to the 2007 video.  Modern Jimmy says, “Does that mean that the last one is still 200?”

Autistic obsession with numbers from Jimmy.

5:30 – 2007 Jimmy says something about warning the world about how shit The Last Ninja is.  Modern Jimmy replies, “There are plenty of worse things in the world, but okay.”

It’s a veiled reference to covid, I assume.  Jimmy is petrified of covid.  It’s another autistic obsession.

6:45 – Snake Rattle N Roll reference.  Mike talks about this game a lot, having played it not long ago, on stream, for money.  This is all written by him.  

I think that we all knew that somebody other than Jimmy was writing these things.  But this video exposes just how little involvement Jimmy has in the writing process.  This is 100% Mike.  Every reference can be attributed to something that Mike said or did recently.  Jimmy had nothing whatsoever to do with this script.  Maybe he spiced up some poop references or something but otherwise, it’s all Mike.  

This is how it’s always been.  Mike would write an episode and Jimmy would read it.  Then when Screenwave came in, Screenwave would write an episode and Jimmy would read it.  Jimmy has no involvement with this.  He’s just a puppet.  

7:45 – Jimmy is allegedly playing the Commodore 64 version now.  It’s actually Mike playing.  And he doesn’t know the controls.  He played this game once, for the purposes of this video.  It takes a while to figure out the controls.  Or at least it did when I was 10 years old and playing this game.  An adult might be able to pick it up faster.

8:00 – “Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to play the Commodore version for very long because I couldn’t pick up a key.”

You weren’t playing this, Jimmy.  But for Mike’s benefit, I believe that it’s shift and 8 to pick up an item.  Or shift and the up arrow.  Something.  It’s in the manual.  And earlier in this video, we see you making the grab motion so you obviously have some familiarity with the controls.  Too bad you couldn’t take the time to figure things out so that you could write a better episode for your autistic friend Jimmy.

9:00 – “Just ask my generation what a ninja is.  First thing that comes to mind is turtle wearing bandanas.”

Uhhhh…not me, Jimmy.  Because I’m not a complete doofus.

10:00 – Jimmy is at an area that contains public toilets.  He beats up the enemy.  “After all that work, I might as well take a piss.”

Maybe this was a Jimmy line.  Or maybe Mike wrote this too.  

Jimmy is really excited by the fact that you can go to the women’s bathroom.  There’s actually an item in there or maybe a different bathroom but Mike barely played the game so he doesn’t know this.  And Jimmy never played this.

11:00 – He gets a weapon.  “Now that you have a weapon, it hardly does anything.  Scratch that, it does nothing.”

And there’s footage of Jimmy (or whoever is playing this) repeatedly missing an enemy.  The weapons work if you actually hit the person.  This all has to be done in a particular way.  But Mike, having only played the game once, briefly, on stream, for money, doesn’t know any of this.

11:30 – Repeated footage of Jimmy pretending to jump on this boat to get across the river and REALLY bad acting as he gets increasingly “angry”.  He’s not even playing this, of course.  He never played this.  He doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to be getting angry about.  

Anyway, as I’ve explained, it’s totally possible to jump on this boat if you know how to do it.  It has to be done in a particular way.  In the PC game, if you pressed up or down while jumping, you’d jump further, whereas if you pressed nothing, you made a shorter jump.  You had to know which times to use the long jump and which times to use the short jump.  It wasn’t good, it wasn’t fun, but the game worked.  Saying that the game doesn’t work is just exposing your complete ignorance about the game.

12:45 – Disgusting faecal “joke” from Jimmy.  You know the type.  “I’d rather (whatever) with a (whatever) up a (whatever’s) rectum.”

15:30 – Jimmy whisper-yells “dookie”.  It’s cringe as fuck.  He doesn’t want to wake the kids.  And yeah, there’s nothing remotely funny about Jimmy’s scat fetish.  It’s completely disgusting.  

17:45 – Dragon’s Lair for the NES reference.  This is another game that Mike talks about a lot.  

20:45 – Disgusting Taoism-like quotes about urine and toilets.  This isn’t offensive so much as sad.  

22:45 – Terrible acting as Jimmy allegedly beat the game.  Jimmy never fucking played this.  I’d like to know what Justin’s directions are to Jimmy as he’s filming this.  What is he telling Jimmy?  

“Okay, in this scene you’re really happy because you get to play with poop for five minutes.”

23:45 – Jimmy says that this is the worst NES game he ever played and that it’s worse than Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.  He made numerous references to that game during this thing.

First of all, Jimmy never played this game.  Not for one fucking second.

Secondly, Mike only played this game once, briefly, on stream, for money.  Well, maybe he played it twice because there’s footage from all of the stages in this game.  In any event, he’s in no position to say that this is the worst NES game.  He doesn’t know how to play the game.  

The game is bad but it’s not the worst game on the system.

24:00 – More disgusting scat fetish nonsense from Jimmy.  You know the type.  “I’d rather (whatever) the (whatever) from a (whatever’s) anus while (whoever) watches and masturbates.”  

So you go do that, Jimmy.  I don’t want to hear about it.  Keep your sick fetishes to yourself.

24:15 – Now Mike is here with his Ernie puppet.  This is something that he does regularly on Erin’s streams.  It’s the same fucking jokes that he uses on Erin’s streams.  The voice seems really bad.  I don’t know why.

26:15 – Then Jimmy starts fighting the Ernie puppet for reasons that nobody knows but this is how many of Jimmy’s videos are.  He just fights somebody for no reason.  This is funny in his mind.

27:00 – Then suddenly Ernie is in the bathtub, Jimmy throws the Nintoaster in there, and there’s bad CGI electricity effects.  So Ernie died.  For what?  The whole fight started over nothing.  

Now we get the credits.

“Written and directed by James Rolfe”

Oh, do tell.  Every fucking reference with the possible exception of the scat stuff, can verifiably be traced back to Mike Matei.  

“Help from Mike Matei, Kieran, and Justin”

Oh, well that makes it alright.  They got “help” credit.  Mike writes the whole fucking thing and he got “help” credit.  I assume that all of this game footage is from Kieran.  And Justin had to direct Jimmy.  “What’s my motivation?”  “Poop, Jimmy.  Your motivation is poop.”

They get “help” credit for this.  They did the whole fucking thing.  Jimmy just showed up.  

“Ernie puppet provide by Erin Plays”

This is pathetic.  It’s not even her puppet.  It’s Mike’s.  How could it be hers?  She doesn’t make any money.  And why would she want such a thing?  

This is obviously just Mike doing his part to promote Erin’s channel as part of their butt sex for Youtube promotion agreement.  

Oh yeah.  Look at that.  They link to Erin’s channel in the description.  She provided the puppet, after all.  What a fucking joke.  Enjoy the butt sex, Mike.

And how many people are even reading the description and then clicking any links?  Even for the few people who do all of that, you then have to watch Erin’s videos.  That’s where things really fall apart.  Who the fuck is going to be entertained by that shit?  

Anyway, everyone in the comments and even on Reddit talk about how great this video is.  It’s not.  It’s trash.  

Did I ever laugh?  No.  Was I otherwise entertained?  No.  This was bad.  Badly written, badly acted.  All of this shit just came from recent stuff that Mike did, after playing the game a single time, on stream, for money.  There’s no in depth knowledge about this game.  He played it for 30 minutes.