Gamer Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wi6NTLIEhoc 

Where the fuck is he?  This reminds me of those Heaven’s Gate videos.  I assume that it’s just shitty greenscreen as usual with Jimmy.

0:15 – But first, a word from our sponsor: Keeps.

It would be a natural.  I don’t know why he doesn’t do it.  Try the product out as well.  I think that that stuff gives you erectile dysfunction but take a gamble.  It’s for the channel.

Oh, it’s some Japanese knives.  Somebody else had this company as a sponsor recently.  I can’t remember who it was.  Maybe it was Tony from Summarise the Movies.

0:30 – “Dating back to the Edo period.”

He pronounced it “Ed-o”.  With a short “e” sound.  Like the name “Ed”.  That’s not right, is it?  It’s a long “e” sound.  Well, the man did spend seven and a half years in special education.

Oh, and the ad is in front of a greenscreen too.  Where would Jimmy be without a greenscreen?  He couldn’t have a channel.  EVERYTHING is greenscreen.

1:30 – There’s a Valentine’s Day sale for these knives.  You know…that great Japanese holiday of Saint Valentine’s Day.  

I’m just mesmerised by Jimmy’s hair.  The hair has receded to about the middle of his scalp.  And you know that he has a big bald spot at the crown.  So it’s just these few wisps of hair in this no man’s land that he’s using to try to create the illusion of having hair.  

6:45 – Shout out to the late Bob Saget.  Well, Jimmy actually has talked about his fondness for Full House numerous times in the past so I’ll give it a pass.  God, just the fact that Full House is one of his favourite shows of all time really illustrates that this guy belonged in special education.  It’s a show for six year olds.  

8:00 – FINALLY we get to the RE-view.  The first eight minutes was just a commercial and Jimmy talking about reboots or continuations or whatever.

“The one you asked for.”

I didn’t ask for this.  And since when does Jimmy care about his audience?  We want The Cinemassacre Podcast.  That thing was a gold mine of awkwardness.  

13:00 – He starts laughing at the line, “Nostalgia overrides all logic.”

This is supposed to be…I don’t know.  He’s been talking a lot about his creepy deep love for *nostalgia* lately.  Is he having sex with *nostalgia*?  What is this?  Why couldn’t he do another take?  This laughing is supposed to…warm the viewer’s heart or…something.  I just found it bizarre.

So that’s the video.  He just gave a straight review.  There’s nothing I can say.  He was reading a script that Kieran or somebody wrote and/or plagiarised.  

So should I talk about how Newt is a hero for calling attention to Jimmy’s complete reliance on Screenwave or should I talk about James Rolfe’s hair.  The hair, I guess.

It’s bad.  I started losing my hair when I was 21.  By my mid-20s, it was noticeable.  Then one day, when I was in my late 20s, I was using a hand mirror and the bathroom mirror to check out how bad it was.  I could not believe that nobody said anything.  The balding in the front had reached the balding in the back.  Same stage as what James Rolfe is at.  Indeed, maybe Rolfe is at a more advanced stage of baldness than I was at.  

As soon as I saw that, I got my clippers out, put a 4 guard on, and cut it all down.

That’s all that he has to do.  He doesn’t have to shave it, especially at this stage in his life.  Because who cares?  People expect 40 year old men to be bald.  It’s not at all unusual.  Trying to hide it with these weird hair-in-a-can systems that he’s using is the problem.

And if you shave your head, there’s not a single person on earth who’s fooled by this.  No non-black man from the 1990s shaves his head for fashion.  It’s 100% because they’re balding.  So you can shave it if you want, or you can just use clippers.  You do this once a week.  It’s not a big deal.  

People raise the issue of facial hair with baldness.  Should you grow a beard of some description if you’re bald?  No.  Do whatever you want.  Beard.  No beard.  Nobody fucking cares.  

And James is a married man.  He has two children.  Is he still trying to pick up chicks?  Just do whatever with your hair.  All of it.  The hair on top of your head, the facial hair, and your disgustingly high levels of body hair.  

But not this.  Not this hair-in-a-can shit.  You’re not fooling anybody with this.  It’s just desperate and sad.

I know that Jimmy is a big Youtube celebrity but are people tuning in because he has Hollywood movie star looks?  Did Doug Walker’s views plummet after he shaved his head?  

And anyway, think of all of those sexy bald men through the years.  Yul Brynner.  Bruce Willis.  That guy from The Fast and the Furious.  Hulk Hogan.  Stone Cold Steve Austin.  The Rock.  Superstar Billy Graham.  Billy Corgan.  

Actually, going back to wrestlers, there’s loads of them.  Kurt Angle.  John Tenta.  Mike Shaw.  Ahmed Johnson.  King Kong Bundy.  George the Animal Steele.  Keiji Mutoh.  This is just from memory.  Not all of these guys are heartthrobs but it didn’t stop them from achieving their goals in life.

Let’s see what the boys on Reddit had to say.

– “Why is this filmed like a cult introduction video?”

Yeah.  So it wasn’t just me.  It’s a Heaven’s Gate background.

Comments on his hair.

Stupid “meme” comments that don’t contribute at all to the discussion.

Actually, the Heaven’s Gate members were all bald too.  Even the women.  So that works out.  It would have been a natural pairing.  Have the Heaven’s Gate background and shave your head.  

Some of them were also castrated.  That’s another option for Jimmy to consider.  He doesn’t want more children anyway, I assume.

I listened to a whole fucking nine part podcast on Heaven’s Gate before.  It was really good.  Let me see if I can find it.

https://www.stitcher.com/show/heavens-gate

It’s also on Youtube but I don’t know if the guy who made the podcast is also the guy who uploaded those videos.  I don’t think that it is so I didn’t link to it.  But you can easily find it.