Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQIyORMuPCA

I checked out Tony’s channel and I saw that he had two new videos up.  One was with Trisha and there was also some dumb skit with Mint Salad and her creepy boyfriend, and the other video was with Crystal Quin.  Which am I going to choose?  

Horseface wins every time.  But I don’t want to give the wrong impression.  I don’t want to encourage Horseface to appear in these videos.  I review videos that feature her because she’s god awful and a source of comedy.  And she’s so detestable that I can go full bore, call her “Horseface McGee” and whatever else, and not feel bad about it.  There’s no need to hold back when talking about the monstrously unlikeable Crystal Quin.

0:15 – It starts with an ad.  Tony is doing an ad for a product that…does something in relation to streaming video.  And the audio is complete fucking dogshit.  He says, “I’m using (the product) right now”.  

This is not an endorsement.  You’d watch this video and say, “There’s no fucking way that I’m using this product.  Just listen to this terrible audio.”

Then he demonstrates some sort of filter that removes the background.  And it looks like fucking shit.  There’s a weird halo around him at all times.  He doesn’t linger on this, he only shows this for a second, but that was enough to show that this thing doesn’t even work.

Then he demonstrates the “auto-framing” and that doesn’t work either.

There is no way that he got paid for this.  

So anyway, Psycho, with Crystal Quin, appropriately enough. She’s wearing a shirt with a hot chick on it who she wants to have sex with.

2:30 – Tony is throwing away his wrestling shit.  He says that he’s doing this because of the recent Royal Rumble.  It’s some dumb skit.  I don’t know.  Then there’s the following bizarre exchange:

Crystal: It sounds like there’s a little jealousy happening right now.

Tony: What would I be jealous of?  I didn’t watch the Royal Rumble.  Did something happen at the Royal Rumble?

Crystal: Just someone proposed to me.  That’s cool.

What?  What the fuck does any of this have to do with the Royal Rumble?  I didn’t watch that shit because I’m an adult but was Crystal on the show getting proposed to?  What does…I mean…why does everything have to be about her?  And why would she say something about jealousy in regards to the Royal Rumble?  None of this makes sense.

Oh.  Somebody at the show had a sign that said, “Marry me, Crystal Quin.”  Here are some tweets about it:

https://twitter.com/PopCultureJunk2/status/1487663401170083840

https://twitter.com/CrystalQuin/status/1488305440559710213

That sign was definitely written by somebody with mental deficiencies.  He had to cram it all in because he didn’t do it in pencil first and space things out properly.

She says that he DM’d her and…yeah, she’s clearly not remotely interested.  These horntards just don’t get it.

Oh, here’s a tweet where she says that she’s buying harnesses.

https://twitter.com/CrystalQuin/status/1487139766399291400

Just insert your own horse joke here.  I’m above that.  

But back to this horntard at the Royal Rumble, why would Tony be jealous?  Tony wants a horntard in the audience to hold a sign saying, “Marry Me Tony from Hack the Movies”?  That would be creepy as fuck.  It’s creepy as fuck as it is.  

3:30 – Tony tries to move on and talk about the movie, but Horseface refuses and keeps talking about this incident.  It’s her favourite topic, after all: herself.

But yeah, Tony is a big wrestling fan, apparently.  This is probably a weird comment but wrestling fans nowadays like cosplaying as their favourite wrestlers, don’t they?  Tony could be the late Mike Shaw.  Not his Bastion Booger gimmick, because he had a shaved head then, but his Norman the Lunatic gimmick.  He was just a big, fat, balding guy with a beard.  Tony could pull it off.

Crystal could be Mantaur but I think I’ve already used that joke.

4:00 – So finally, we’re talking about the movie.  It’s surprising that they’re picking a movie not from the 1990s or 2000s but, unfortunately, it’s the same old fucking horror bullshit that they do over and over and over again.

Let me look up films of 1960.  Spartacus.  That’s a good one.  Their “review” would be four hours long, though.  The Magnificent Seven, another great movie.  The Time Machine, I like that one too.  And that would be a good one for all the nerds out there.  

There’s fucking loads on this list.  A lot of French films, Japanese films.  I never even heard of most of these, even the American ones.  Why not explore some of these?  He could be the first person on Youtube to review The Warped Ones, for example.  Ooh, it’s a Japanese sexploitation film.  Just think of how many times Crystal can point out hot actresses who she’d like to have sex with.

5:45 – Listen to this 15 seconds or so of Crystal talking.  I really struggled to understand the words “high school” and “performing arts”.  She went to a performing arts high school.  Apparently, she skipped diction class.  She has this problem a lot.  And she’s the only person on these shows who went to a “performing arts high school.”

16:45 – Crystal is being annoying as fuck.  I just thought I should chime in because nothing is happening.

18:30 – Again.  There’s not really much I can say about this stuff.  She’s just over-reacting to everything in an annoying fashion.  As she does.

21:45 – Fucking…I don’t even want to transcribe this stuff.  And I don’t think it would come across in text anyway.  She’s just annoying.  In the extreme.

23:15 – She mentions Ed Gein for about the fourth time.  People who are obsessed with serial killers tend to be pathetic lunatics.  That checks out in this case.

Then they start talking about the movie.  Tony described this first 23 minutes as “background.”  I guess that’s right.  So…that’s his intention with this format anyway.  He starts with background information.  Then he goes scene by scene telling you what happened in the movie.  For about 90 minutes in this case.

26:00 – Crystal is making extremely annoying faces and then she mentions that some actor is “super attractive.”

Okay, well I made it to 30 minutes.  Nothing is happening.  Crystal isn’t talking about hot chicks who she wants to have sex with.  I’m bored out of my fucking mind.  She’s annoying.  And…I don’t want to do this any more.  So yeah, we can stop here.  Let’s see what the horntards have to say.

– “I love the energy Crystal brings to the show”

– “Crystal always (fire emojis)  need her on every episode. Good energy too “

– “2022 and Crystal is still FINE af”

– “I’m pretty sure Tony paid somebody to hold up that sign cause he loves her like the rest of us lol. I’m also pretty sure crystal knows and is saying “yes” but only if you were rich.”

– “Nice to see you talking about something classic and old for a change”

But it’s the same old shit.  It’s always a stupid horror film.  This is brainless.  

– “Crystal, if it falls through… I would marry you”

– “The girl in glasses makes me happy”

– “I love Crystal good Lord she is bae asf”

I just don’t get these comments at all.

Well, this was a disappointing episode.  Wasn’t she going to go back to Twitch?  Let me check that.  No…nothing.  

Instagram.  Same old bullshit.  A horseface woman in her underpants trying to be sexy.

Here’s her IMDB.  It’s…not impressive.  All Youtube shit and that “movie” that Newt made.  

Wait…she was in a Rex Viper video?  Oh let me check this out.  I must have missed it.  Of course, that means that I have to watch this Rex Viper video now.  

Well, I skimmed to make it less painful.  She’s credited as “hula hoop girl”.  Is that her at like 2:28?  Here’s the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bmehnwq9tM

I literally thought that it was a man in a dress.  Isn’t it?  

And is that Newt holding all the clocks?  It doesn’t look like him but…if that’s Horseface, it might be.  And that does not look like Horseface.  It’s a guy, surely.  Look at those large, masculine legs.  And the large, masculine arms.  

Maybe there’s a different hula hoop girl.  I’ll keep skimming.

3:21 – We see that guy again, and no, that’s not Newt.  But Tony does make a brief appearance.  Some shitty CGI, of course.  That’s a staple in James Rolfe’s “films”.

3:26 – We get a closer shot of this hula hoop girl and…yeah, that’s Horseface McGee.  And yeah, she has large, masculine limbs.  

Fortunately, we only see her for a second.  She explodes into bad CGI when a football hits her for reasons that aren’t explained.

But that’s really weird.  Never in a million years would I guess that that’s Crystal.  Or even that it’s a woman.  Only armed with the knowledge that it’s Crystal did I recognise it as her.  

This is maybe a weird and totally irrelevant comparison but I was reminded of this.  I had a job and there was a woman from the Philippines who came in.  Smoking hot.  Big tits.  The whole thing.  And she had this like 50 year old English boyfriend with her.  I couldn’t figure it out.

Later in the day, somebody told me that this hot Filipina with the big tits is a man.  Then it all made sense.  The old English guy as a boyfriend, for example.  And once you knew that it was a man, you could see the masculine features.  Big hands, for example.  

Anyway, a little transgender *nostalgia* for you.