Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbwBv_fWrI4

0:00 – He starts by saying that you can watch Swamp Zombies 2 on Tubi.  Swamp Zombies 2 is some movie that he allegedly wrote or something.  Oh, I’m just checking IMDB.  He also appears in the movie, as does the smoking hot Crystal Quin.  

So I go to Tubi and a message appears, “We are not available in Europe due to changes in EU laws.”  And people say that the European Union is a bad thing.  Right here, it’s protecting me from this no doubt horrendous movie.

1:00 – He holds up a signed poster of this Swamp Zombies 2 movie and then says, “You can see the Sharkula poster on my desktop because I was writing.”  You were able to see what was on his computer in the reflection of this framed poster.

So…he’s still writing for Shark Vampire.  He’s wasting his fucking time on this.  Nobody wants to see Shark Vampire.  It’s the world’s dumbest idea.  And apparently, somebody already did a Shark Vampire “movie” recently.  

1:15 – He takes a sip from something called Mosow Mule.  This is, apparently, an alcoholic beverage with a vodka base.  And his hands seem to be shaking.  Get it together, Newt.  

1:30 – He talks about Midnight Show, the “film” that he’s been making for the past ten years.

He claims that this “movie” is finally finished.

2:15 – He says that Crystal plays a “sexy zombie projectionist.”  

Well…a zombie projectionist, maybe.  Not sure about the adjective.  

5:00 – He’s telling a story about how he owned a comic book shop and the Blue Meanie would come in with Jasmyn St Claire, who I guess he was “dating” at the time.  Newt quickly says, in reference to Ms St Claire, “Who I didn’t know at the time was an adult film actress.”  Uh huh.

5:30 – When he found out, he said, “That’s super fucking cool.  Sex work is work, you know?”

Ummm…he’s a bigger scumbag than fucking Tony from Summarise the Movies.  No wonder they all hung out.  Like finds like.

6:30 – He says that in 2013/2014 he was moving “back” from Tuscon, Arizona.  He must be from New Jersey but lived in Tuscon for a while.  And he calls this the worst point in his life until “last October”.  So he’s still going on about getting fired from Screenwave Media.  You know…for something that he did.

It’s not like he got fired because he rejected sexual advances from Ryan or something.  I could see being down about that.  It’s not fair.  You shouldn’t get fired for that.  That situation shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

But he got fired because he plagiarised some scripts.  That’s a fair firing.  My only issue is that he was the only one who received any negative repercussions from this.  

7:00 – Newt starts talking about past trauma and whatnot that apparently caused him to…I don’t even know.  I don’t want to misrepresent what he’s saying.  

8:15 – So he kept contacting the guy who made the first Swamp Zombies movie asking if he could write the sequel.  Newt met this guy…I’m not really sure where.  It was somehow through the Blue Meanie and Jasmyn St Claire when Newt owned the comic store.  I think that the comic store was in New Jersey but maybe it was in Tuscon.  Who the fuck knows?

9:15 – So he pitched this idea of a sequel and he said that he wanted it to be an “anti-sequel” like Gremlins 2.  You know…that movie that everybody hates.  Then he says that his idea was that the movie was also going to be like Robocop, Assault on Precinct 13, Escape from New York, The Running Man, and Smash TV (the video game).

Hey…Mr Ideas Man…get your own fucking ideas.  This is ridiculous.  

I had a philosophy professor who, as some kind of little classroom stunt, said that he would give anyone an “A” in the class if they ever came up with an original idea.  So people would try and he’d always shoot them down.  “God is a woman”, was one of the attempts.  That idea has been done a billion times before so that person didn’t get the automatic “A”.

Anyway, Newt…simply combining existing movies does not create a new movie.  Original ideas.  That’s what we need.  Not fucking Shark Vampire.  We want something NEW.  Not a combination of existing shit.  

One of the boys on Reddit found an old tweet by Newt wherein Newt boasted that he wrote a different script for the AVGN Movie that he showed to Jimmy but Jimmy rejected the script.  Later, Jimmy, allegedly, said that he wished he would have gone with Newt’s script instead.

Then somebody on Reddit replies suggesting that the script was just the script to Schinlder’s List.

10:00 – He’s talking about actors who he had available to him for this movie.  “I knew that I had Mr Lobo who just knocks it out of the fucking park every time I give him something.”

Yes.  Mr Lobo.  That great thespian.  I saw the trailer of this movie and it had Mr Lobo in it and he was horrible.  He was the worst.  Totally camp, hammy acting.

10:15 – “I wrote 90 pages in three and a half days.”

Uh huh.  How many of those pages were good?  My guess: zero.

Anybody can write 90 pages of crap in three days.  It’s not going to be good.  

12:00 – The guy making the movie took Newt’s script, that he wrote in three days, and said that he wanted a nerdy computer hacker character in it.  Instead, Newt gave this part to his “friend” Horseface McGee.  

Newt spent $2000 so that the guy making the movie could stay in a hotel.  This money also went towards gas money for the actors and crew.  

Is this normally the responsibility of the writer?  They have to pay the expenses of the director, actors, and crew?  What the fuck is this?

Then he says that he actually ended up spending $5,000 on this.

Newt…you’re the writer.  They’re supposed to be paying YOU.  Am I missing something?

14:00 – He got into an argument with the director because the director wanted to make changes to Newt’s script and Newt’s professional integrity was too high to accept that.  You know…for this script that he shat out in three days.

Also, a lot of the people in the movie weren’t actors. 

16:00 – He says that he only made this movie to hang out with Crystal Quin, who he thought was losing interest in him.  That’s some of the most pathetic shit I’ve ever heard in my life.  Horseface fucking McGee.  I’d spend $5,000 to never have to see her again.

16:45 – He laments the strippers who didn’t show up for the shoot.  He wanted more nudity in the film.

17:00 – Then he starts giving a sob story about how his father never said, “I’m proud of you, son” like it’s some fucking Quaker Oats commercial.  So that’s why he’s so interested in seeking attention.  Or something.

Then he says that that’s why he did the project.  Because his father never expressed his great pride in him.  But two minutes earlier, he said that he did the project because he wanted to hang out with Horseface McGee.

This is all bullshit.  He did this shitty movie, based on a script that he wrote in three days, because he wanted to make a movie.  Even a bad movie.  Because that’s the only kind of movie that he can make.  He can’t write.  He doesn’t have any good ideas.  That’s the reality.

It’s like there aren’t other jobs out there.  This guy is not a creative genius.  None of these people are.  None of the people in Newt’s orbit have any talent whatsoever.  Not Mr Lobo, not Horseface Mcgee, not the director of this movie, not Tony from Hack the Movies, not Justin Silverman, not Kieran, not James Rolfe.  So why do these people continue to make shitty “movies”?  Do something else.  You clearly have no talent for this.

It’s not a criticism of you as a person.  I’m trying to be helpful.  This is not for you.  Fucking Shark Vampire.  Come on.  How many seconds did it take you to come up with that one?  And this is his best fucking idea.

19:45 – “I was always kind of selling it on wanting to spend time with my…friend [Crystal Quin] and obviously her sex appeal helped as well.”

Eugh.  We’re talking about Horseface McGee, right?  Is this the only woman who Newt has ever seen?  This is fucking demented.  I’m sorry.  He needs to quit this shit right now and just find a regular job.  He has one.  He’s working at the movie theatre.  Fine.  Do that.  Enough with these “cringy” Youtube videos and all the hairbrained movie and comic book half-ideas that he has.

20:45 – He says that he got offended people said that they didn’t like the movie.  He continues that he understands why they wouldn’t like it.  He describes the movie as “cheesy”.  That’s one way to put it.  I’d compare it to a different substance.  He also says that the film’s budget was $5000 so…that $5000 that he spent…that was the entire budget.  Why did Newt pay for all of this?  He was the writer.  

Anyway, then he says, “I made a movie.  I made a feature.  Where’s yours?”

Where it belongs, Newt.  Safely locked up in my list of things that I’m never going to do and have no interest in doing.  That’s where Swamp Zombies 2 belongs.  

Don’t release dogshit into the world.  Don’t spend $5,000 of your own money to make dogshit.  

If you have a good idea and think that you can make a good movie, maybe pursue that.  Maybe.  But you knew that this was a piece of shit from the beginning.  So why do it?  Can’t you think of better things to spend $5000 on?  Don’t you have better things to do with your time?

21:45 – “People who get it, like it.”

Really.  Show me the Swamp Zombies 2 fanatics.  I’d like to have a discussion with them.

And wait a minute.  Newt apparently bankrolled this entire project.  So why was the director able to change so much of the script?  Newt was, I guess, the producer.  Whatever.

23:15 – “I learned a lot that I can use for the next one.”

Please god no.  Just stop this.

I don’t even care that he spent $5000 on a piece of shit movie, that he wrote in three days, that he knew was bad.  If he wants to be proud of that, fine.  He made something.  It’s a piece of shit.  But it’s there and if you want to watch a piece of shit, it’s available.  Unless you live in Europe.

But don’t waste any more time, effort, and money on these shitty projects.  What’s the point?  To hang out with some other ugly skank, for money?  This is pathetic.

23:45 – Now he’s talking about Shark Dracula and apparently he was actively working on a movie for Shark Dracula.  And people wanted to change the script to Shark Dracula and he didn’t like that.  His Shark Dracula script, that he probably spent three days on, is perfect the way it is.

Oh, and you know what they wanted to take out?  “The B-movie elements” which he describes as, “The boobs and the gore.”

Just get a girlfriend, Newt.  You don’t have to keep paying to see women’s breasts.  Just take a woman out to dinner a few times.  Have her get to know you.  Show her your sparkling personality.  

And you know what women like?  Men with jobs.  Real jobs.  Not this Youtube shit or fake movie writer shit.  Real jobs.  The movie theatre job is fine.  Stick with that and find a woman on Tinder.  It’s not hard.

So he got really upset with these people who wanted the nudity and violence taken out of the movie.  Why?  Is that all his script is?  It probably is.  He can’t write for shit.  I’m sorry.  He can’t write and he doesn’t have an original idea in his head.  

25:00 – “The movie started because I wanted to spend time with certain people.”

This is like the fourth time that he said this.  He wanted to spend time with that fucking horseface woman.  We get it.  What about making your father proud?  That went out the window, I guess.  It was all about Horseface McGee.

25:30 – “It’s cool that a no talent asshole from South Jersey can rally a bunch of his friends together like The Little Rascals and put on a fucking show.”

But it’s trash.  It was written in three days.  It cost you $5,000 and you say repeatedly that it wasn’t your vision.  The director changed a lot.  

And your vision was just more tits and gore.  This is what you think a movie is.  Tits and gore.  And shark vampires.  Nobody wants to see that.  

25:45 – Now he’s talking about the work that he did for Shark Exorcist 2.  Again with the shark monsters.   This is garbage.  

Horseface was in this movie but her scenes had to be removed because she doesn’t want to be associated with anything Newt does any more.  I don’t think that the movie industry works that way but whatever.

26:30 – “There’s no such thing as, ‘You’re wasting your time’.  No, it’s not because everything is about getting yourself out there and showing people that you’re willing to work and that you want to have a good time and that you want to make fun schlock.”

Really?  That’s how the film industry works?  “Well, as long as you want to have fun…you’re hired.  We don’t care that you have absolutely no talent.  Shark Vampire?  Sounds good.  Here’s a cheque for $10 million  Cast that horseface woman for the starring role..”

26:45 – I want to create fun B movies.  I want to make the kind of stuff that 13 year old me would have fucking dug at a sleepover or whatever.  If you would have shown me this movie when I was a kid…it starts with tits.  It starts with fucking tits.  You know, it’s got gore in it.”

We know.  We know all of that, Newt.  You’ve said as much many times already.  But that doesn’t make it a good movie.  There were no gore or tits in Citizen Kane.  Make something good or do something else with your life.  Tits and gore does not a good film make.

27:15 – “I’m never going to win any awards but I don’t want to win awards.”

Why not?  Why not strive to make something good.  Because he knows that he can’t.  So why continue with this pointless pursuit?  Why continue to release garbage into the world?

27:45 – “I want to leave something behind.”

You are.  Poop.  

Swamp Zombies 2 isn’t exactly the Sistine Chapel.  

You can find satisfaction in life through being in a relationship, maybe having children, finding a job that you like, finding a hobby that you enjoy.  Whatever.  I don’t think that releasing trash films is going to fill any void in his life.  

28:00 – He’s talking about how much he misses his loser friends from Screenwave.  Yet again.  Especially Horseface McGee.  

“By the way, I know that I keep mentioning Crystal in this one and I haven’t before.  Please don’t blame her for the reason why I’m not on the other show any more.”

Wait…what?  I’m no fan of Horseface McGee but it never even occurred to me to blame her for that one.  YOU’RE to blame.  You’re the one who did the plagiarising.  What the fuck is this?  How is Horseface McGee at all involved?

28:30 – He says that he recently talked to Ms McGee again.  

29:00 – “I’ve seen more people blaming her for things and don’t do that.  It’s not fair.”

Who is doing that?  Who is blaming Crystal Quin for Newt getting fired?  Nobody is doing that.  Not one fucking person.  It doesn’t even make sense.  My understanding is that she just works there.  She’s no in charge of hiring or firing anyone.  It was Justin who said that somebody was going to get fired over this.  Presumably, he’s to blame, in that sense.  But again, Newt was the one who did the plagiarising.  

30:00 – Now he’s talking about how proud he is of himself and psychotherapy and whatnot.

I’m reminded of Sigmund Freud and his concept of pride of production.  This is the theoretical stage of development where toddlers take pride in their toilet droppings.  

You see it in adults as well.  After you drop a giant load, you’re sort of impressed.  

You also see with childbirth.  Women will compare the size of babies when they were born.  “Oh, your baby was five pounds.  That’s nothing.  My baby was eight pounds.”  Same concept.  They’re proud that this big thing came out of them and the bigger the better.

So this is Newt.  He wants to release the biggest piece of shit that the world has ever seen.  That’s going to be his legacy.  A giant turd.

31:00 – He’s listing his recent achievements and he notes that “Nadia White, the adult film actress” is in one of these productions that ‘s involved in.  This goes back to his idea of what a good movie is: tits and gore.  He’s so grossly misguided that…I don’t even…well, it’s good that he’s speaking to a psychiatrist, I guess.

34:00 – He encourages us to watch the movie and “Tell me the good things that you liked about it: sexy girls and fun gore.”

Again…Newt…this is not my idea of a good movie.  It’s not anyone’s idea of a good movie.  

I had to turn this off.  It got too uncomfortable.

Comments are all “cringe.”