https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHaJBxnANXA
Hey guys! Remember Halloween? Well, I have a backlog of shitty Halloween “content” to get through.
Let’s see…I hate Doug Walker, I don’t know the other guy, Tony is okay, and I like the Simpsons but I haven’t seen it in at least 15 years. It’s unlikely that they’ll talk about the newer stuff, though. So…well, I’m not hopeful. Oh, but Crystal Quin isn’t in this at least. So that’s a good sign.
I think that people hate on Doug Walker because there was some internet scandal a while ago but I don’t even know what it’s about. My reason for hating Doug Walker is simple: he’s obnoxious and unfunny. His videos are all totally unwatchable. Indeed, I’ve probably watched less than five of his videos and I’ve known about him for many years. Just everything that I see him in is bad. Really bad. Unwatchable.
But let’s give him a chance.
0:00 – Well, we get a preview of the upcoming show and Doug Walker behaves in an obnoxious and unfunny manner. Oh boy.
Where is this guy even from? I mean the city. Let me look this up. Maybe this will help give an insight into things.
Naples, Italy? I don’t think so. Let me see where he was raised. His father was in the navy and he “lived in many different places.” Maybe that goes some way into explaining his odd and off-putting behaviour.
Jesus god. His wife is 400 pounds. How low does your self-esteem have to be to marry a 400 pound woman? I’m trying to be sensitive but this woman isn’t merely overweight…she’s colossal. Is this a fetish of his? I’d be really surprised. I don’t think that that fetish really exists.
There has to be a medical explanation for this. How can a normal human being even reach this size?
It’s depressing all around. It’s depressing that somebody could reach that enormous weight and it’s depressing that Doug Walker thought that this was the best that he could do. And he married her when he was still in his 20s. He just gave up.
And maybe he was right. Maybe this is the best that he could have done. How many people want to marry an unemployed weirdo? He’s not exactly Brad Pitt either. But still, it’s depressing as fuck .
Well…I’m 12 minutes in. I’m not being entertained, they’re not saying anything that I don’t know, and Doug is annoying but…it’s not to the point where I have to turn it off.
15:30 – This guy is gay, right? I’m just listening to him talk while playing Dungeon Crawl: Stone Soup because this podcast is boring but…what’s this guy’s name? Brad Jones aka The Cinema Snob. He’s surely gay. Let me look this up.
He was married to Jillian Zurawski. Dare I look her up?
Oh my god. She’s huge too. Not as big as Doug Walker’s wife but…probably 250 pounds.
They were only married for two years. These guys have to be gay. Both of them. They married enormous women to try to appear heterosexual but in real life, they’re fucking each other in the ass. What else can it be? Why would they marry such ENORMOUS women when they’re still in their 20s?
I’m at 24 minutes. I don’t know if I can do this. This is boring, pointless, and slightly annoying. I’ll keep going for a bit.
28:00 – It’s only now that I realise what the problem is. They’re just talking about parts in these episodes that they thought were funny. It’s the same shit we did in grade school during lunch. “Remember this part? Remember this part? So funny.”
An hour of this.
I’m at 42 minutes now and they’ve finished waffling about Simpsons jokes that they liked. This was terrible. What is Tony thinking with this shit? What are the guests thinking? Why did nobody say, “We should do something more ambitious than this fucking grammar school lunch table discussion bullshit”?
47:30 – Continuing the theme of homosexuality, we get to see the intern Jessica with her short hair and flannel jacket. She’s in a room with a bunch of firearms on the wall. That’s some baritone voice.
So she gives her favourite Simpsons Halloween episode. But she says right at the start that she’s only seen one episode. So this is really good “content” right here.
What’s the point of this? Just give us your favourite Will & Grace episode. Or Ellen. Remember Ellen? That piece of shit sitcom that Ellen Degenerate had before she got that piece of shit talk show? The 90s!
49:00 – She quotes Homer saying, “His haircut is very queer” and then she puts the definition of “queer” on screen. So don’t think that my assumption was unfounded. She’s clearly a lesbian. Just like these two faggots on the main show are clearly packing each other’s fudge.
Anyway, she just goes through the episode plot point by plot point. Like how Tony does. But somehow, she makes it even MORE boring.
51:30 – Now Johanna is going to go over her favourite episode, plot point by plot point.
Fucking shit.
So Johanna doesn’t know anything about her “favourite” episode, she had to Google a bunch of shit, and she saw it “ages ago.” What a great addition to the show.
Terrible. This should have been edited out.
53:00 – Some other camp gay man. Shawn from Movie Dumpster. Whatever that is.
53:45 – He mentions his wife. Uh huh. Let’s check out this 700 pound beard.
Oh, it’s Sean. And he’s also an editor at Screenwave. I can’t find a picture of his wife, though. Maybe Tony is the wife.
56:15 – Now Kieran. Is he gay too? It almost seems like a prerequisite to work at Screenwave.
He doesn’t know anything about his “favourite” episode either. I guess that doing five minutes of research before doing the video was too much work for these people.
58:45 – Yet another fucking camp gay man who works at Screenwave. I don’t know who it is.
He suggests that he should have dressed up as Lisa.
Oh. He didn’t introduce himself but his Twitter is linked in the description. His name is Adam. I’m reminded of that gay dating site Adam for Adam. Does that still exist? Let me look.
Mmmm…I’m not seeing it. Maybe I got the name wrong.
That’s the video. Well, that sucked dick. No offense to the fairies who appeared in the video.
Where the fuck was that chubby Asian woman? She should be the star of the fucking show.
You get this parade of complete buffoons but no chubby Asian woman? She didn’t make the cut? Tony thinks that we want to hear Johanna talk about the Simpsons in a totally disinterested and unintelligent fashion for 45 seconds instead?
Another thumbs down for me. I’m number 67 this time. I mean, what the fuck? I can’t endorse this video. It was complete shit.
– “I can see why Jessica doesn’t do much work in front of the camera. She sounds like the hosts from the Schweaty Balls bit on SNL.”
I don’t get the reference but it seems that this gentleman also wasn’t fond of Mx Hickson’s on-screen work.
– “these guests are horrible”
I’m inclined to agree but even with the best guests in the world, the format is bad. It’s just Tony giving a plot point by plot point run down of movies, or tv show episodes in this case. Nobody could save this.
– “jessica edits in the closet?WAIT”
I think that this is a gay joke but I’m not sure.
– “muted this one for my mental health. Just here for the comment section”
– “I hope I never see ether of these two in any podcast ever again..”
– “Was gonna watch this but then I remembered how much I can’t stand that nostalgia critic clown”
Somebody replies, “Yeah, it’s almost like Doug Walker isn’t playing a character and that he IS that obnoxious and overdramatic in real life.”
It’s true. He’s fucking unbearable.
– “Bruh of all guests to get you got Doug Walker? That’s a no from me this week dawg he’s trash asf.”
– “Soon as a I saw Doug’s punchable mug, hard pass on the video.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4ztUroFniY