Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BwciKSEhv4

I haven’t watched it yet but here’s my guess of what it’s going to be.  “POOP!  DOODY FROM A DEAD GIRAFFE!  JIMMY WENT BOOM BOOM IN HIS PANTS!  SHIT POOPY DIARHEA FART STAIN!”

It’s so fucking stupid.  When Rainman was writing this shit, it was awful but bearable.  With Screenwave doing their best to mimic what they think an AVGN episode should sound like, it’s fucking unwatchable.

You know what they haven’t done yet?  Sharting.  Why not?  I refuse to believe that James doesn’t know about the concept.  

It happened to me once.  I was walking home from work and I don’t remember if I was sick or what but suddenly, I REALLY had to drop a load.  But I just kept repeating to myself, “I’m almost home.  I can make it.  No need to panic.”  And then I decided that if I just let this fart loose, I should feel better.  But when I did so, there was a little more than just gas.  I don’t think that there was an actual chunk but there was definitely something.  Something wet back there.  So this increased the urgency and sense of panic.  

But I got home and I was relieved to not make any scene in public.  And I decided to hurry up and take my shoes and coat off and get changed and then I’ll go to the toilet.  No.  No time for any of that shit.  I had to go to the toilet that second.  So I ran to the toilet, shoes and coat still on, and let loose.  

There was another time when I was dealing with particularly pungent flatulence.  It was a problem for, I don’t know, three months?  Something like this.  I don’t have any medical explanation for this but they had a really powerful odour for a few months.    

So I’m walking to work, out in the fresh air, nobody’s around, so I let one rip.  And I was surrounded by like a cartoon fog of the worst smelling flatulence that a human being can possibly produce.  

Then like ten seconds later, a middle aged, overweight, black woman walks by, she’s like 30 feet away from me, but she gives me a look of complete disgust.  Such was the power of these farts.  Even in the open air, these things had a powerful radius.  

This is what Rectal Reviews should be about.  Jimmy and the boys sharing poop talk.  He’d love this shit.  When are we going to get it?

0:00 – “Fermented pile of zombie crap.”  He’s reading the fucking ad.  He’s actually putting poop talk INTO THE ADS.  Why would any “sponsor” want this?  

The ad is for some VPN server and Jimmy suggests that you can use it to bypass region lockouts from streaming services.  Even though I think that this risks you getting banned from the service.  I might have mentioned this before but it’s irresponsible for James to suggest this during a fucking ad.  If I get banned, is James Rolfe going to give me a refund for the VPN and the streaming service?

1:15 – He refers to the game as an “ass pile”.  Whatever that means.   Good start, Screenwave.

1:30 – “Pissing up a drainage pipe”.

“Blowing hot turkey farts” on Thanksgiving.  What does this have to do with anything?  It’s fucking stupid and not funny.  GET TO THE FUCKING REVIEW, ASSHOLE!  WE DON’T NEED TO HEAR YOUR SICK SCATOLOGICAL FETISHES.

“Then a week later, that week old turkey cloud fart envelopes you.”

2:00 – “You couldn’t even take two shits as identical as this shit.”

It doesn’t even make sense.  Who’s having uniform bowel movements?  

2:45 – “What really wrenches my taint.”

Doesn’t make sense, Kieran.  Your writing doesn’t make sense.  This is bad.  I’m sorry.  It’s just fucking terrible.  I don’t know what to tell you.  Maybe you’re good at editing.  Do the editing.  Stop fucking writing this trash.  It’s not your talent.  It’s fine.  Focus on what you’re good at.

3:00 – “Corpse Killer in high definition?  More like high defecation.”

3:30 – “What’s a Corpse Killer?  How could anybody kill corpses.”

Could this be an actual Jimmy line?  He has these autistic fixations on words.

4:00 – “Shit graphics, piss poor controls, and vomit-inducing sound.”

4:15 – “It’s like making cake batter out of monkey barf and horse piss.”

I want to know if even one person laughs at these bodily function “jokes”.  When they’re writing them, do they think that it’s funny?  At any point in the “creative process”, does anybody find this funny?  

5:00 – “You’d have more fun navigating a DVD menu with your dick tip.”

Oh.  Yeah, we’ve all been there.  This is some excellent writing.  I love the totally natural dialogue.  Kieran is really wasting his talent here.  He should be writing Hollywood blockbusters.  Or get to work on that great American novel.

7:30 – “This really scraped my scrotum.”

Are you trying to tell us something, Kieran?  If you like guys, it’s okay.  This isn’t the 1950s.  You don’t have to hide it.  Be out and fabulous.  You can freely indulge in all sorts of scrotum-related fantasies.  I mean, the gay scene is FULL of weird shit.  You can find somebody to share your passions with.

8:00 – Weird pronunciation of “duration”.  I noticed that Crystal, Newt’s pod-person girlfriend, has the same weird pronunciation.  Must be a regional thing.

11:15 – Awkward fake anger.

11:30 He says, “Mariam Webster”.  That’s not right, is it?  Long “E” sound.  “Meer-ium Webster”.  Why would the “E” make an “A” sound?  

12:00 – “Jizzed lava into your boxer briefs.”

Just download Grindr, Kieran.  Come on.  We get it.  You’re gay and frustrated.  There have to be plenty of guys, even in rural Pennsylvania, who you can have a good time with.

By the way, they mention that the actor in this game was in Ghost but I recognised him from Star Trek: The Next Generation. I don’t suppose that Jimmy would have known this either.  But if Mike was still writing these, I suspect that it would have been mentioned instead of this fucking Ghost reference that he got from Wikipedia.

13:45 – “Imagine trying to build something out of Legos but every five minutes somebody comes into the room, smashes them, and shits on them and you have to start over using the poopy Legos.”

No thanks, Kieran.  I’m not going to imagine that.  But you can go the local leather bar tonight and see if somebody is into that.

15:00 – “This is right up your alley.  More like right up your ass.”

And then yeah, Kieran and Justin Silverman get credit as “crew/edit.”  Why don’t they give writing credits any more?  Don’t you want credit for writing the episode, Kieran?  This is something that you could put on your Adam for Adam profile.  “I write super gay scripts for AVGN.  I’m into scat and Roman showers.”

Speaking of gay men, let’s see what Reddit has to say.

– “2 minutes in and I’ve already had an overload of fecal jokes read from a cue card. Sorry Bimmy, tuning out.”

Yeah, I think that that’s normal.  A normal person is not going to watch something that’s full of disgusting poop references.  There’s nothing remotely funny about them.

– “thanksgiving turkey farts BWHAHAHAHA great writing here Justy”

Yeah, I’d like to know who’s actually writing this shit.  Maybe it’s a team effort but who’s responsible for the shit “jokes”?  Because that person can safely be relieved from his writing duties.  Let him concentrate on other endeavours.  

– “The dvd dick tip line was funny. Other than that this was a verrrryy average as it gets episode.”

Well, I’m happy to get confirmation that at least one person on earth finds this stuff funny.  

– “Is it just me or is this game really uninteresting to dedicate a full episode to? Feels like quite a generic rail shooter.”

Somebody responds that Kieran likes zombie games.  Yeah, it’s true.  That’s why there have been some really out of place games being “reviewed”.  

And yeah, this game is bad.  Who cares?  There’s nothing interesting about it.  You can’t hide this fact with poop “jokes”.  

– “not a bad episode. Not great, but not bad.”

There have been a few comments like this.  Even this level of praise, I can’t fathom.  This was complete fucking dog shit.  But people are saying, “Well, it was alright, I guess.”  

It’s like with television sitcoms.  95% of them are completely awful but people watch and presumably find them funny.  Two and a Half Men was a massive hit.  I just can’t understand it. 

I mean, I think that the dumber you are, the more apt you are to laugh at this low brow bullshit.  That has to be the case.

But I’m not some kind of a super genius.  I’d say that I’m of average intellect.  So how is it possible that millions upon millions of people were tuning into Two Broke Girls every week?  But I’d watch the show and say, “Holy shit.  This is unbelievably bad”?

And it’s not just the obviously bad tv shows.  The entire 1990s TGIF lineup is horrendous.  I watched all of that shit but I never laughed even once.  Even as a kid.  To anything.  Who are these people laughing at these shows?  Or watching this latest AVGN video and saying, “Ehh…pretty good, I guess.  6/10.”

It’s just one of life’s great mysteries.    0/10 for this dog shit from me.