Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPoBMzAkZZM

After an anemic intro, we’re “treated” to a commercial by earbud pitchman James Rolfe.  He’s no Ron Popeil, that’s for sure.

Okay, here’s the deal.  I watched it for eight minutes and I would pause the video every so often to write a comment.  

Then I realised that almost every comment was me talking about how fucking IDIOTIC and UNFUNNY all of these faeces comments are.

So I’m going to delete the review that I wrote up until this point and just time stamp ever poop reference in this thing.  No comment is needed.  We all know that these poop references are stupid.  Then maybe I’ll leave some closing comments.

1:00 – Referring to the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo, he says, “Might as well be a rattle and a diaper full of crap”.

1:15 – Referring now to the 3DO, James says, “This is the real console.  More like a real piece of dog shit.”

2:15 – “The 3DO was price dropped to shit.”

2:30 – The system had “A whole assload of soft stool porn games.”  

Also, way too much needless and awkward profanity including, “Your parents would probably flip you off and tell you to go fuck yourself” if you asked for a 3DO.

Extended “joke”, going in graphic detail about a theoretical man masturbating to Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties.  Isn’t he embarrassed by any of this?  He should be.  I hope that there’s a writing credit at the end of this episode.  

2:45 – “Today, I’ll just be focusing on the shallow end of the cesspool with some piss poor games.”

3:15 – He describes some game as a “futuristic faecal fart fest.”

6:30 – The character “Captain Quasar” is called “Craptain Quasar”.  .  

This is material that a five year old would come up with.  Maybe his daughter wrote this episode.  

6:45 – He describes the game Soccer Kid as, “You play as this little shit that runs around kicking a soccer ball at people.”

7:15 – Jimmy would, “Rather base jump into a flea market port-a-john” than play Soccer Kid any further  Very natural dialogue.  Keep up the good work, Screenwave.

7:45 – He compares the walking animation of the Battle Chess pieces to, “Compacted shit out of a sloth’s shit chute”.

8:30 – “You’d have a better time watching a dog turd turn white.”

8:45 – “Real chess is awesome.  It’s the intellectual shit, man.”

11:00 – “You want to see some shit, right?”

No…

Then he says “shit” two more times shortly after this.  I’m not trying to include every time he says “shit” in the non-literal sense but…he says it a lot.  And there’s just so much bad, out of place profanity.  Like he says, “”What in the fuck hell”.  It’s like a child using profanity, trying to impress the other children on the playground, but not knowing how this really works.

11:30 – “The special attacks are more like shit spectacles”.

12:00 – “This is a rare game that makes you question the very meaning of ‘shit'”

I really don’t want to do this any more.  I have another nine minutes to go and I’m tired and this is complete trash.  I’ll try to continue.

13:00 – “Everything looks like pixelated poo poo.”

13:45 – “This game walked so that Resident Evil could run.  Right now these games are giving me the runs.”

“If Resident Evil has tank controls, Cyberia has septic tank controls.”

14:30 – “It’s like if Top Gun barfed into the ‘where did you learn to fly’ woman’s mouth.”

Not a poop reference but…it’s actually depressing.  It’s depressing that anyone on earth thought that this was good writing.  This is unwatchable.  Why would he agree to do this?  He’s autistic.  Not retarded.  Can’t he see how fucking bad this is?  They showed him the finished product before they published it, right?  He thought that this was good?  

And didn’t he read the fucking script?  It’s unbelievably bad.  Do something else with your time.  These videos are not working.

15:15 – There’s a reference to ice skating after consuming some type of syrup and I think it’s a poop reference but I just can’t do this any more.

15:30 – “How could you have the audacity to spray steamy, foamy diarrhoea on Doom?”

16:00 – “This game was ported over by just one person, armed only with two shit sticks to rub together.”

17:15 – “On to the motherlode of 3DO shit.”

17:30- “This company put out a bunch of awful, shit-stained, light gun games.” 

19:45 – “Without the gun, these games are pig shit in the wind.”

So that’s, mercifully, the end of the video.  I actually feel sick now.  This was fucking unbelievably bad.  

Nobody specifically took writing credit for this thing, but Kieran and Justin Silverman are listed as “crew/edit”.  I suspect that one or both of them wrote this thing.  

Let’s see what the boys on Reddit say.

– “Nice episode albeit Nerd was a little bit bored and the curses where a bit disconnected from the flow but I enjoyed it”

Yeah.  The profanity was completely over the top and not natural.  And why all of these fucking shit references? 

Here’s the problem.  Jimmy is surrounded by sycophantic yes men who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.  

What Rainman needs is for somebody to sit him down and explain to him in no uncertain terms what made the early AVGN episodes work.  Because what James thinks and what the reality is are two totally different things.  James thinks that the series was successful because of the skits, the profanity, and the shit talk.  No.  The series was successful DESPITE the skits, the profanity, and the shit talk.

Just sit down and review a video game.  Familiarise yourself with the game.  Discover interesting little problems with the game.  And then discuss this.  That’s all you have to do, Jimmy.  You don’t have to dress up and do cute skits like you’re back in special education.  You don’t have to show us what a big boy you are who knows all of the swear words.  And you certainly don’t have to share your love of excrement with the world.  Keep that last one to yourself because most people don’t find doody as interesting as you do.

POOP AND DOODY!  FUCKING SHIT STAINED POOPY CACA HEAD!  SUCK A PIECE OF DOG TURD HELL BISCUIT SHIT FUCKER!  

This is funny to people?  Show me who these people are.  Are these functioning adults?  

These Screenwave people always talk about other shit that they’ve done.  Let me look this up.  See what these creative geniuses have done.

Here’s Kieran’s IMDB:

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3266068/

He animated a short in 2009.  Must have a project for university, given the year.

He was an actor in some Silvermania shit.

That’s it.  That’s all that he’s done.  No writing credits.

Here’s Tony’s IMDB:

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1412908/

He wrote four short films, two of which were Mummy Cop.  And he wrote a segment on something called Midnight Show in 2016.  It seems that that was a movie with a $25,000 budget.  It’s not on Wikipedia.  Not noteworthy.  Seems like a student film or similar.

He also directed that segment.  Along with Mummy Cop and the other two short films.  So these short films that he did were all financed and created by himself.  

See here’s what I’m looking for: examples where SOMEBODY ELSE actually PAID these people to WRITE.  I’m not seeing that.

Here’s Justin Silverman’s IMDB:

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm3229679/

He also worked on Midnight Show.  So this is just another fucking piece of shit that they all did together.  

He also has acting credits for two short films, probably created by himself and/or student projects, and Silvermania shit.  

So nothing.  None of these people have any writing credits.  Or for that matter any directing, editing, or acting credits outside of stuff that they’ve all done together just for “fun”.  

I’ve given these Screenwave people every opportunity.  I’m not one of these fucking faggots on Reddit who comments about their appearance and takes every opportunity to insult them.  But this fucking video…whoever wrote it…IT’S FUCKING DOGSHIT.

I don’t put the blame on Rainman for this one.  He’s ultimately responsible because he hired these completely inexperienced people but he did his job for this video.  All he had to do was read the lines and he did that.  It was competent.  I guess.  But the script was pure, unadulterated, fucking shit.  

If it’s just a bunch of friends goofing around and making videos for Youtube, that’s one thing.  But it’s my understanding that this is some kind of a business.  People are getting paid to work on these videos.  Presumably, they’re getting paid at least $30,000/year.  For three people.  Let’s say that’s $100,000/year that James is paying.

How can this possibly be profitable?  And if you have that kind of money to spend, why wouldn’t you hire ACTUAL WRITERS?  

The Simpsons writers are probably getting $100,000/year.  James could hire one of them.  Or whatever is a popular and funny show these days.  Get one of those writers.

Or, I think that you would get plenty of interest from promising young writers if you offered $50,000/year.  Get two of them.  

And why are the Screenwave people even doing all of this shit?  They edit the videos, they write them, they film, they act, they direct, they produce.  Why are they doing every facet of this?  This might explain why the writing is so bad.  They have too many other responsibilities.  

I don’t expect a television level of quality from fucking Youtube videos.  What I expect is to watch a video that doesn’t make me feel sick to my stomach while watching.  I want to watch something that doesn’t insult my intelligence.  Is that too much to ask for?