Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqeECrS7kEo

0:00 – “I’m pretty sure that I haven’t played this specific WarioWare game before.”

That’s a safe bet.

0:30 – “I like how you’re like in a little town.”

Cute.

This is edited to shit, by the way.

0:45 – “Oh my god.  Weinermobile.  I miss the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.”

Hey guys!  Remember the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile?

Ummm…no.  Didn’t they retire that in the 1970s?  

Oh.  According to Wikipedia, they’re still active.  Started in 1936.  I’ve never seen one in my life.  I don’t even know what they do.  Are they in parades or what?  Wikipedia isn’t clear.

This is fucking brutal.  I’m one minute in.  The game is just a bunch of mini-games, of course.  Erin never played any of them.  So every fucking mini-game is Erin screaming, “Where do I go?  What do I do?”  FUCK OFF.  Learn the game before you fucking stream it.

1:30 – “What do I do?  How do I go up?  Was I supposed to use the stick?  Like, the d-pad I mean?”

It’s going to be this for two hours.

2:30 – “You tried to make your own WarioWare on the DSI version?  That’s cool.”

That’s all that she ever says.  She has no idea what the DSI even is.  I had to look it up myself.  

But the guy just said that he tried to create kind of WarioWare game for the system.  What exactly does he mean?  A port?  A whole new game?  How did he go about doing any of this?  These are the questions that I would have.  Erin just said, “That’s cool”, as usual, because she has no idea what that guy is even saying.

“This is my first time playing this specific WarioWare.  I don’t think that I’ve played this before.  I’ve played other ones.”

On stream, for money.

3:15 – “This game is so good.”

She’ll never play it again in her life.

3:30 – “Better moustache: Wario or Tom Selleck?  Depends what you’re into.”

Can you just give an opinion for once in your life on something other than 1990s pop music?  You have two options here.  Wario or Tom Selleck.  Just pick one.  Maybe she doesn’t know what Tom Selleck looks like but then just say “Wario”.  “Wario’s zigzag moustache is clearly superior to anyone’s”.  Easy.  But she’s so brainless that she can’t answer ANY question, no matter how easy it is.  Unless it’s about 1990s pop music.

4:30 – “Hey Sergio.  I’m good.  How are you?”

This is that weird guy in Argentina who lives with his parents.  Almost certainly mentally retarded.

But why would he come to every single stream of Erin’s and say, “How are you?”  It’s fucking stupid.  He must know that she gets that question 100 times a day.

On dating sites, you’d often see, “Don’t ask how my day was” on the profile because this is what these fucking braindead guys would ask.  You’re trying to get a date with somebody, you’re trying to differentiate yourself from the hundreds of other guys that this woman is matched with, you’re trying to be a good dancing monkey, and all you can come up with is, “How was your day?”  Unless you look like a young Tom Selleck, you’re not getting a reply.

Erin has a Rugrats hoodie on, by the way.  Hey guys!  Remember Rugrats?

No.  I was too old to watch the show.

In any event, not in a million years would I wear any clothing that has children’s cartoon characters on it.  What normal, healthy adult would?  

7:00 – She starts talking about “cute” Pokemon plush toys that she wants to purchase, after having recently played NEW Pokemon Snap, on stream, for money.  

8:30 – “I think the little cut scenes are so cute.”

Okay.  That’s fine.  We get it.  They are cute.  We all know this.  We can fucking see and we can make our own determination as to whether or not they’re cute.  Can you say ANYTHING even REMOTELY interesting?

8:45 – “I want a potato car.”

So get a job.

9:30 – “I have no played the 3DS one.  I really should.”

On stream, for money.

10:15 – “Do I like Animal Crossing?  I don’t.”

She claims to have bought the game and played it, presumably in her spare time, but you know that that’s not true.  The game doesn’t lend itself to casual play, on stream, for money so that’s why she doesn’t play it.  Same with RPGs.

10:30 – “You made blueberry pancakes?  That sounds fun.”

It’s just a variation of her usual, “That’s cool.”  How about asking him something about that?  Did you use real blueberries?  Did the nice lady at the group home help you?  Are you allowed to use knives?  Can I have the recipe?”  Something.  This is how a normal person has a conversation.  They don’t just say, “Yeah” and “That’s cool”.  She’s as bad as James Rolfe.  

Maybe give your own experiences with cooking.  If you’ve never made pancakes, talk about some other breakfast food that you make.  Or even just breakfast food that you like eating.  Something.  There’s so much that you can talk about from that stupid pancake comment.  But she just said, “That sounds fun” because she’s a total fucking moron.

11:15 – Somebody writes a long explanation on the history of WarioWare and Erin says, “That’s cool.”

13:45 – Erin claims that she had a flip phone in high school and she’d play Tetris on it during class.

Has she ever done a Tetris stream?  She claimed that she liked Tetris 99 while playing that Pac-Man 99 game.  So presumably she played Tetris 99 on stream, for money.  But I’ve never seen it.  Maybe she didn’t upload it to Youtube.

16:15 – She’s at a little boss mini-game and it’s based on Punch-Out.  Erin never played Punch-Out before.  So she just keeps jabbing with the right hand.  I assume that you’re supposed to punch him in the body and possibly with the left hand.  She doesn’t know this, of course.

Oh, I know what the problem is.  No, she was supposed to wait for the opponent to do something and then counter.  Like in Punch-Out.  She just kept punching and he blocked everything.

Then one of the horntards explains just this.

19:15 – Erin calls the game “stressful”.  It’s just the same old shit over and over and over again from her.

20:00 – “Yeah!  We defended it!  We defended the goal!  Is that the word?  I don’t know.”

She’s talking about a soccer mini-game.  She’s not sure if…let’s just move on.

21:00 – She’s back at this Punch-Out stage and does the same thing as before.  Even though the horntards told her what to do.  She’s just completely unfamiliar with Punch-Out, having never played the game before.  She eventually figures it out.

23:15 – “I used to like jump roping when I was little but then I would go too hard and have an asthma attack.”

Oh.  Erin sure seems to have a lot of health problems.  Is that sexy to anyone?  She seems to think that it is.  It’s all made up bullshit, by the way.

25:15 – Erin says that she had a Skip It.  “It was neon pink.  It was like the perfect shade of neon pink.”

What a boring, empty-headed world that Erin lives in.

25:45 – She claims that she had a razor scooter that she would ride to the mall with her friends.  “I miss my razor scooter.”  Then she wonders if riding one as a 33 year old woman would be weird.

31:00 – One of the horntards asks her about her allergies…so she goes on about this bullshit.

32:45 – “Oh, it’s Dr Wario.  I’ve never played Dr Wario.”

She pronounces “Wario” really oddly.  She’s been doing this throughout the stream.

Then she does poorly at the game and says that she “always forgets” how to play it.

35:00 – “What is my favourite arcade game?”

Let me try to take a stab at this.  She hasn’t played many arcade games, on stream, for money.  So…yeah, this is tough.  Has she made any Youtube videos of arcade games?  I can only think of…maybe there was a Splatter House arcade game that she played.

Arcade games…is she going to say Ms Pac-Man?  She claims to have played that once in a steak restaurant with her grandfather.  And there was the recent Pac-Man 99 stream, of course.

Maybe she’s going to say Mario/Excite Bike.  That “red tent” or whatever arcade machine that she talked about in that same Pac-Man 99 stream.

Hmm…I don’t know.  Let’s hear her answer.

After a long deliberation, she said, “I liked playing Sunset Riders in the arcade.”

I seem to remember a video or a stream about this game.  

Yeah.  Right here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGers8NWzkA

Old school.  2017.  Back when she was living with her parents.  I wonder if that’s the same staring wall that she used all those years.

“I like the arcade version of Crystal Castles a lot.”

I remember her saying something about this game just recently.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Yeah, I’m not seeing it.  And there’s nothing on either channel about this game.  Maybe she streamed it but just didn’t upload it.

“Burger Time on the arcade is pretty good.”

I don’t know if she ever played the arcade version but she played the Atari 2600 version a few times, just recently, in fact, on stream, for money.  She always comments on the “cute food”.

Then somebody in the chat prompts her.  “Yeah, Simpsons Arcade is fun.”  I’m not sure if she ever played this one either.

“I’ve never played Neo Turf Masters in the arcade.”

Ummm….yes, of course she never played IN the arcade but I think what she means is that she never played the arcade version.  But she did.  She did a whole stream where she played the Neo Geo game with Mike.  And she talked about how “cute” it was when the girl said, “On the green.”  

She doesn’t realise that the Neo Geo version IS the arcade version.

So those were her answers.  She was confused as fuck.  No clue.  She only played a handful of arcade games and it was always on stream, for money.

Then some horntard suggests the X-Men game.  She claims to like it.

“I liked Spider-Man.  I liked the Spider-Man arcade game a lot.  I should stream that.”

I don’t even know what she’s talking about.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_Y80vd0Qgk

This, I guess.  I’ve never seen it before.  It’s a stupid beat em up.  So we’re supposed to believe that she played this in her spare time?

Oh yeah.  And I think that she played Final Fight, on stream, for money.  Maybe she “forgot” about that one.

Yeah, she’s just reading suggestions from the chat now.  She ran out of ideas really quickly.

Then she claims to like the Jurassic Park arcade game “where you sit in the little thing.”  So we’re supposed to believe that she played the actual arcade game.

Dig Dug is another game that she suddenly thought of.

She claims to have played Crazy Taxi in the arcade too.

“I played Spider-Man the first time at Ground Control in Portland, Oregon.”

Oh.  So this was as part of her YouTube “career”, I guess.

No, it’s a “barcade” called Ground Kontrol.  I thought that it was a nerd convention.  Why would she be in Portland at a “barcade”?  Probably something to do with her shitty channel.

37:00 – “You played that as a Shakey’s?  I always forget about Shakey’s”

Again, the misuse of the words “always” and “forget”.  How often is Shakey’s coming up in conversation?

“Yeah, Ms Pac-Man’s great.  I would like to own a tabletop…ummm…Ms Pac-Man.”

“Cocktail”, Erin.  The word is “cocktail”.  You’re a big arcade fan, right?

“And I’d really like a red tent arcade of…ummm…Super Mario”

I was right!  She mentioned this just recently after Mike talked about how his first arcade game that he bought was a Ms Pac-Man.

So Erin is suggesting getting a cocktail version of a game that Mike apparently already owns as an upright.  That’s a good use of her $200/month.

37:45 – She again regales us with the story of playing Ms Pac-Man at a steak restaurant (she omits her grandfather from this re-telling) and then says that she played it at a “barcade”.

I’m at 40 minutes.  That’s enough of this shit.

In the comments, Erin says that she’s not going to upload her recent Atari 2600 “variety stream” because the audio is messed up.  It seems fine to me.  It’s on her Twitch.  But what a tragedy that we won’t all get to enjoy that one on Youtube.

Oh, she retweeted a comment where Mike is promoting this WarioWare game.  That’s a coincidence.  Erin plays the game and then Mike just happens to talk about the game at the same time.

https://twitter.com/Mike_Matei/status/1390896168603996160

Somebody replies, “Have you been playing those games on stream?”  So yeah.  People know what’s up.  Why else would he suddenly talk about it if he wasn’t streaming it or his sugarbaby wasn’t streaming it?