Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-rZbSyTygc

Oh, this is desperate.  She just released a video the day before.  She usually uploads one video a week at best.  She just wants to get in on all of that Castlevania Dreamcast game hype.  Assuming that such hype exists.  Judging from her view numbers, said hype, if it exists, has not yet found its way on to her channel.  It seems to be on course to get her normal view numbers.

0:00 – “So, you guys, I am super excited.  The rom of Konami’s cancelled Castlevania from 1999, called Castlevania Resurrection has been dumped and we can now play it.”

Oh look at Erin go.  She knows “rom” and “dumped” and everything.  

But is that right?  The nerds back in the day always made a distinction between “roms” and “ISOs”.  Any game that came out on a CD was an “ISO”.  “Roms” were only for cartridge games.  There’s no “rom” to be “dumped” on a CD, is there?

1:00 – After a shitty intro where she pretended to know stuff, we cut to footage of Erin playing this game on stream, for money.  At least I assume it was on stream, for money.  It’s not listed on her Twitch page.  Maybe she just didn’t upload it.  But how else would she have played this?  In her spare time?

So I’m five minutes in now.  All Erin has been doing is stumbling through the game and saying things like, “Oh, I fell down”, “Here’s a skeleton”, “I like Castlevania skeletons.”  She’s just saying what she’s doing or what she sees on the screen.  This is boring as fuck.  Who is this for?

It’s like pornography for the blind.  Pornhub used to have a category for this.  I don’t know if they still do.  But it was just somebody narrating what was happening.  “Oh, now she’s giving him a blowjob.  Now she’s working the balls.”  Shit like this.  

I’m at 7:30.  She’s said that she likes the animation of the holy water at least three times already.  WE GET IT!

8:30 – She sings, “I’m so happy to be playing this.”

It’s all lies.  She’s probably convinced herself at this point.  She’s been lying for so long about her love for video games and Castlevania in particular that she probably actually believes it now.  

8:45 – There are stained glass windows in the game.  “I think that looks so awesome.  It’s so colourful.”

9:15 – “They have the same staff as Evil Lyn”

She’s talking about some enemies in the game.  I had to DuckDuckGo this but I had a suspicion that this was a He-Man reference.  I was right.  

This is what she does.  She claims to be “addicted” to something and will reference this shit over and over and over again for a while and then she moves on.  So for the moment, she’s “addicted” to He-Man.  So get ready for loads of references to He-Man from a 33 year old woman.  At least for a little while.  

9:45 – “If this game was finished and you could actually see what you were doing, I think that I would enjoy this game.  It’s very upsetting.”

It looks the same as Castlevania 64, a game that I think Erin played briefly, on stream, for money and didn’t like.  

10:00 – “That looks like rolled up carpet.  Like what is that?”

I don’t know and I don’t give a fuck.  

10:15 – “Look at the wallpaper.  It’s kind of like the haunted mansion in Florida, like Disney World’s haunted mansion.”

I don’t know because I’ve never been and I’m an adult with no children so I have no intention to ever go to Disney World.

11:30 – “Doesn’t this look nice?  I think this looks nice.”

Ugh.

“I mean, I love Castlevania so maybe I am coming at it from a place of wanting to like it.”

Fuck off.

12:45 – “I’ve never played a demo of anything before.”

Okay.  Let me repeat this.  Erin just said

“I’VE NEVER PLAYED A DEMO OF ANYTHING BEFORE”

How much more proof does anybody possibly need that this is all bullshit?  She never played a demo before.

Wait…what?  Then she gives a weird clarification.

I’ve never played a demo of anything before.  At least I don’t think that I have.  So this is kind of interesting.  You know, like an unfinished demo.  Not one released to the public.  You know, this was only for press.”

Well, using that all of those bizarre additions, I think it’s safe to say that most people haven’t done that.

She knew that what she said made her sound like a total fraud.  “I never played a demo of anything before”.  So then she added a bunch of weird riders.  “Oh, I mean only unfinished demos.  And only ones not released to the public.”

Fucking ridiculous.  She obviously has never played ANY kind of demo before.  Like shit that would come in magazines on a CD.  Or included with other games.  Or included with a console.  Or stuff that you would get in the mail.  Or shit that you could download off of the internet.  She never played ANY such demos.  

It’s to be expected.  People who don’t play video games aren’t going to get this shit.  But just admit it.  Don’t add all of this weird bullshit afterwards.  “Oh, I mean I’ve only never played demos for the Dreamcast, released in June 1999, that were 3d platformers.”

15:00 – “Look at that.  The sun like shining through the stained glass.  That is so pretty.  I’m like so sad that this wasn’t released.”

She’s said this MANY TIMES by now.  THINK OF OTHER THINGS TO SAY!  WE GET IT!  YOU’RE A HUGE CASTLEVANIA FAN AND YOU’RE *NOSTALGIC* FOR 1999 DREAMCAST GAMES.  EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE NEVER PLAYED A DREAMCAST GAME IN YOUR LIFE UNLESS IT WAS ON STREAM, FOR MONEY.

She keeps complaining about the camera.  “I can’t see.”  I suspect that you can adjust the camera with the analogue stick but she doesn’t do it.

21:00 – She thinks that it’s cute how the character (it’s a female character, by the way) wraps up her whip, like in a cord.  Erin compares this to how she wraps up her NES controllers.

It’s just so disingenuous.  She’s always at pains to portray herself as a nerd.  She’s not a nerd.  She’s a loser.  There’s a difference.

Nerds are interested in video games and have poor social skills and shit like this.  

Losers don’t have jobs or prospects or ambition.  This sort of thing.

But she pretends to be a nerd to try to relate to the nerds watching this.  It’s ridiculously obvious what she’s doing.  The mentally challenged people watching this shit don’t know any better.

Then she finishes the game by YET AGAIN talking about how sad it is that the game wasn’t released.

The game looks like shit.  I wouldn’t want to play this.  3d platformers of the era were all awful.  I have no idea how anyone can play Mario 64.  It’s shit.  

I got the Mario game for Gamecube.  Whatever it’s called.  The one where you’re on a tropical island and have to spray everything with water.  I played it but I hated it and didn’t get too far.  You’re constantly fighting with the camera.  You can’t tell where anything is.  The games are not fun.  Fuck all of these 3d platformers.  

Let’s see what the horntards say.

Oh, King Horntard Joe from Gamesack left a reply.

– “Wow this was a quick video release. I played it within minutes of its release and it’s… interesting. You got further than I did. That might be because I got stuck inside some polygons and could not bust my way back out to the normal playfield.”

Good luck stealing Mike’s sugarbaby.

– “Very cool! Did you stream this earlier today?”

Yeah, this guy knows what’s up.  She only plays on stream, for money.

– “Hehehehehe Well done! I could use a mystical, enchanting woman with your talents join my minion.”

The guy is called Lord Skeletor and has a Skeletor avatar.  Erin replies with, “Am I being recruited by THE Lord Skeletor?! 🤯 Oh my!”

It’s Erin pretending to be a nerd again.  No.  You’re a loser, Erin.  Not a nerd.  That guy is both a loser and a nerd, though.

– “Anyone ever play Gauntlet legends?”

What an odd question.

– “Say Erin, you should do a video on wrestling games and (probably) DVDs”

Erin replies, “I don’t know anything about wrestling, sorry.”

When has that ever stopped her?