Gamer Girls

 I tried to watch this about a year ago for review purposes.  As here:

https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2020/05/angry-video-game-nerd-movie.html

How far did I get?  Nine minutes?  Oh fuck.  I thought that I did better than that.  I really have my work cut out for me.  

Well, at least I can skip the first nine minutes.  It’s just James Rolfe self-fellating himself, metaphorically speaking.

9:30 – After a kid says that “the Nerd” is the greatest person in the universe, we’re treated to a painful scene of “the Nerd” talking to his boss at the video game store.  The boss is an old man who says “fuck” a lot and the acting is as poor as the writing.  It’s actually painful to watch.

11:00 – Then a black guy comes into the store and “the Nerd” goes on an extended rant about poop for some unknown reason.

Also, you can see that James is really balding even in this movie.  I’m talking specifically about the security camera footage.  When was this released?  2014.  Yeah.

Anyway, this black guy really loves that James spat on this game so he decides to buy it.  EVERYBODY loves “the Nerd”, after all.  So now this black guy is going to go home and try to create a “the Nerd” clone from this spit.  

How many black guys do you suppose are interested in AVGN?  I don’t know.  Let me see if I can find footage of Jimmy Rolfe doing a panel at some nerd convention.  I can scan the audience.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZUUstFtaMk

This is a Too Many Games panel from 2013, so around the time of the movie’s release.  The first 45 seconds is a montage of the people waiting to get into this panel.  There was one black guy.  Blink and you miss him.  Everyone else was white.  There were a few women but I think that they were all there on “dates” with their boyfriends.

I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be black characters in the movie but it’s just not really reflective of reality, is it?  Different groups of people tend to like different stuff.  I don’t think that AVGN has universal appeal.  This shouldn’t be shocking information.  I suspect that all of these AVGN panels are real caucasian sausage fests.  Unlike “Mrs Nerd”, I don’t have a problem with that but that’s the reality.  

Back to this piece of shit.  This black guy is having a quiet conversation with “the Nerd” about how he should review ET.  And then the other black guy, the sidekick to “the Nerd” agrees.  Then, within seconds, the whole store is chanting “ET”.  

How did this happen?  It was a quiet conversation between this guy and “the Nerd”.  But now suddenly the whole stores knows about this?  Why are they chanting “ET”?  They don’t know the context.  They didn’t hear the fucking conversation.  Is this what happens?  When somebody hears a chant starting, they just mindlessly join in?  I guess in some respect, that’s true but not like this.

Oh yeah, and they’re doing this because everyone and I mean EVERYONE loves “the Nerd”.  It’s unbelievable.  Why did nobody tell Rainman to tone this down?  It’s fucking ridiculous.

Then an impromtu conga line starts while the chant continues.  

14:00 – We’re treated to numerous instances of James saying “buried”.  Oh fuck.  It’s a regional thing, I guess, but it’s annoying and I fear that this word is going to crop up repeatedly.  The film involves buried copies of ET in a landfill, of course.

15:30 – So now they’re in an arcade.  Wait.  “The Nerd” just left his job in the middle of the shift?  And this black sidekick, who I think also works there, did the same?  Won’t they both be fired?  Maybe this will be addressed later.

Oh, and everybody is high fiving “the Nerd” in this arcade and asking for his autograph.  We all know why.  Everybody on earth LOVES “the Nerd”.

It wasn’t actually an arcade.  It’s a bar.  But it had arcade machines in it for some reason.  So people in bars all know and love “the Nerd”.  

16:15 – Then a 40 year old woman asks “the Nerd” to sign her breasts.  This is all that they could afford?  Let me see if I can find any information on this woman.  She literally must be about 40 years old.

“Barcade Babe”.  That’s probably her.  Jessica Rockwell.  Yeah.  

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2676972/

She was in a few things.  Small roles over the years.  They don’t list her age, though.  

Not to be ageist but it just seems out of place.  Why would this 40 year old woman know “the Nerd”?  And want to have her breasts signed?  

Anyway, the black sidekick signs them.  Why would this woman think that that’s acceptable?  

Wait.  What?  Then the black sidekick says, “She had some big ass titties.  I’d like to bang that booty like (grunting noise while he dry humps the table)“

Why did I not know about this?  I knew about the breast signing scene but why does nobody ever talk about this particular line?  It’s ridiculously out of place.  It’s also crude, disgusting, and an example horrible writing.  He’s talking about anal sex for fuck’s sake.  

Then James repeats that “nerds before birds” thing that we heard earlier in the movie.  Somewhere in the first nine minutes.  I mention it in my previous review.  It’s pretty gay.

Then a red haired woman just walks over and starts talking to “the Nerd”.   The black sidekick says that this is a tremendous business opportunity but I don’t know why he knows this.

17:15 – It’s Mandy.  She says, “I’ve been talking with Cooper on email for so long.”

Is this how people spoke in 2013?  You talked to somebody ON email?  Not “via” email?  I’d even accept “by” email.  Or…”I’ve been emailing Cooper”.  But no.  Talking ON email.  Who wrote this shit?  Or if this was a mistake, why didn’t they do another take?

Oh.  And Mandy also loves “the Nerd”.  “We at (her company…I can’t understand what she’s saying) have obviously seen all of your videos.  They’re brilliant.”

Then she shows him a demo of this fake ET game that her company made and she wants him to do a video on and he vomits on her.  Why?  The footage didn’t even look that bad.  But let’s say that it’s the worst game ever made…why would he vomit?  Is this a normal reaction to bad video games?  I’ve never experienced this.

And the vomit is green.  Is that the normal colour for anyone else?  I don’t want to DuckDuckGo this.

Oh.  This is a new ET game that she was showing.  I thought that it was supposed to be footage of the actual Atari game.

18:45 – Then there’s a racist “joke” where the black sidekick has to be home before the street lights come on.  Then they suddenly come on and a sassy old black woman starts yelling for him to come home in a very stereotypical fashion with Ebonics and profanity.  

Wait.  What.  And then she says, “You was at the young girls’ titty bar.  Didn’t I tell you to stay away from the titties.”

Am I mishearing this?  The black sidekick really muddled his lines right before this, by the way.  It was hard to understand.  That should have been re-shot.  But…what?  What an insane thing to say.  What an insane thing to write.  Does anyone talk like this?  

And why does this black sidekick have a curfew anyway?  He’s an adult, right?  He works.  He’s able to get into bars.  

19:15 – James is now asleep and dreaming about the time that he got ET for his birthday as a child.  

This kid is really, really annoying.  And his actions don’t match up at all with what’s happening in the game.  He doesn’t even use the joystick.

This kid was played by Isaac Sherman and Noah Sherman.  This was the only film that they ever did.  How did these two Jewish kids get the job?  Are they related to somebody involved in the movie?  Did James or whoever just go to a casting agency and these are the people they sent?  

Then James wakes up and there’s a really bad horror segment with jump scares and shit involving ET.  Just out of nowhere.  

And right after that, James wakes up in some kind of field.  So…he was sleeping in a field?  How did he go from talking to his black sidekick in a residential area to sleeping in a field?  This must be all part of a convoluted dream sequence.

Yeah.  Now he’s in a carnival and for some reason the carnival is promoting AVGN reviewing this ET game.  And the people there are zombies.  They start chasing him.

This is trash and doesn’t make any sense but Jimmy just wanted to make a zombie movie so he threw this in there.  This is what he does.  He just throws every idea he can think of into his shit projects even though it doesn’t make sense.

Then a black zombie bites him and wakes up.  For real this time or are they going to do a THIRD fake wake up?

23:15 – After waking up, “the Nerd” says “I have to save the fans.”

What does this relate to?  Did I miss something?  

24:00 – James turns his computer on and then we cut to the black sidekick on his computer saying, “Come on, they nerfed PVP.”

Do they even know what that means?  “Player versus player”, right?  How can you “nerf” (downgrade) player versus player?  Who the fuck was writing this?  It doesn’t make sense.  Why did nobody say, “Wait.  Nerf PVP?  That doesn’t make sense.”  This was written, shot, and edited, and nobody said this in this entire process.  

Then he’s talking about being “level 15” and shit.  It’s like this was written by somebody who doesn’t know anything about video games.  Can that be right?  

It’s like these fucking sitcoms from the 80s that I reviewed where they do an episode about video games and it’s obvious that the old Jewish men writing this shit never played a video game in their lives.  Did old Jewish men from the 1980s write Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie?  

Oh, here’s what’s happening.  This is like a parody of World of Warcraft.  Kind of like that Southpark episode, minus the humour.  On the black sidekick’s screen, it has modern graphics but on “the Nerd’s” computer it has like 8 bit graphics.  Obviously that’s not the way that video games work but I’ll chalk this up to “humour”.

Then “the Nerd” asks to speak to the black side kick outside.  And the black sidekick says, “Let me just finish this level”.

Again, did the person who wrote this know ANYTHING about video games.  You don’t “finish levels” in RPGs.  You gain levels.  “Level” has a completely different meaning than in, for example, a platformer.

I’m at 25 minutes.  I think that’s enough.  

So in a year, I managed to watch 25 minutes of this piece of shit.  At this rate, I should complete the movie in about four or five years.  

It’s just really bad.  Did anybody think that this was remotely good?  They were editing this for a long time.  I think that they even did some re-shooting.  James must have known that this was bad and was doing what he could to turn it into something halfway decent.  

This was like $500,000 and three years of his life.  For this fucking piece of shit.  This ridiculously self-congratulatory, horribly written, mindless, senseless, amateur bullshit.

Let’s just look at it from the point where the movie is shot and he’s editing it.  He has all of this horrible footage.  The movie doesn’t make any sense.  It’s insanely self-aggrandising.  It’s not funny.  It’s not entertaining.  What should he have done at this point?

I don’t know.  It’s a difficult one.  He already took everyone’s money.  He has to release something.  But if he releases this piece of shit, there goes his dream of ever making another movie.  

Rainman fucked up big time.  The movie is exactly the same as everything else that he’s done: a convoluted mess, full of a bunch of random ideas that don’t fit together and don’t make any sense.  But on a bigger scale.  

Well, at least he got to meet that MILF with the big fake tits.  That’s something, I guess.