In a recent Nathan Barnatt video that I saw, he was talking about wanting to have a boxing match against some other “Youtuber”. He wasn’t sure who, though. And he was talking about how he wanted to find somebody of a similar skill level so that people would speculate on who would win. I discuss this Nathan Barnatt stuff here:
https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/03/nathan-barnatt-is-kind-of-douche.html
He’s right. It is fun to ponder these things. So I’ve compiled a list of 16 people from Cinemassacre and guest hosts and various hangers on. Let’s figure this out tournament style.
I was thinking about the rules. I don’t want this to be some foxy boxing shit where it’s three, 1 minute rounds and they’re wearing oversized novelty gloves. But it also shouldn’t be like twelve or even six, 3 minute rounds because these people aren’t professional boxers. They’re going to get winded quickly so then it just becomes a cardio contest.
So I think Toughman Contest rules would be the way to go. Hey guys! Remember Toughman Contests? “The 90s”! So three, 2 minute rounds. What about headgear? No, I’m going to say no headgear. Glove size…I’m not an expert, let’s just say 16 ounce gloves.
Also, let’s say that everyone has six months to train for this and the tournament takes place over, whatever, two days. I’m not going to take previous bouts into consideration (e.g. a tough first round battle means that the person is winded for their second round match).
I sort of seeded this by popularity on Cinemassacre. So people who are actually part of Cinemassacre or Screenwave were first, then people who appeared on the channel, then people who were mentioned on the channel, and finally people who don’t have any connection to the channel but I was desperate to think of people to include.
By the way, I didn’t include Bootsy or Kyle because I haven’t seen these people in five or ten years so I don’t know what kind of shape they’re in now. Also, I don’t have some sort of erection for these guys like the homosexuals on Reddit.
Here are the preliminary matchups:
James Rolfe vs Ian Ferguson
Nathan Barnatt vs Jontron
Kieran vs Joe from Gamesack
Justin Silverman vs Boogie2988
Mike Matei vs Chris Bores aka Irate Gamer
Pat the NES Punk vs Scott the Woz
Tony from Hack the Movies vs John Riggs
Ryan vs Macaulay Culkin
James Rolfe (40 years old, 5’11”, 185 pounds) vs Ian Ferguson (35[?] years old, 5’10″[?], 160 pounds[?])
The ages and heights and weights are whatever I find on the internet. In this case, there was nothing for Ian so I just guessed. Can James really weigh 185 pounds, though? It seems high to me.
Obviously, James Rolfe has the boxing experience from Jimmy Rolfe versus the Punching Bag. But the punching bag came out victorious in that bout.
But in the real world, yeah, James had a punching bag so maybe he worked out on it but when you watch the video, you see that the punching bag is like a toy. It’s not a real punching bag. It’s something for children. So he probably didn’t work out on it.
He obviously likes Rocky and shit like that. Boxing was popular in Pennsylvania. You had Joe Frazier and Bernard Hopkins and whatnot. So he might have had an interest in boxing as a child. But where does that get him if he never acted on it? I really doubt that James Rolfe knows how to throw a punch.
Ian has nothing going for him either. He’s king of the soy boys.
So it becomes a battle of who’s the most decrepit?
James Rolfe has a clubfoot or something. That’s going to be a big problem. His footwork is going to be greatly diminished.
As for Ian, he took like six months to a year off from the podcast because he had a tummy ache that he solicited donations for and then the tummy ache just mysteriously went away. I’m not saying that there wasn’t anything wrong. But assuming that this is genuine, it’s probably going to affect him getting punched to the body.
Ian also seems to be dangerously low on testosterone. Not that James is oozing machismo either.
They’re probably equally inept at fighting.
And they would have six months to train but you just know that James wouldn’t do shit. He doesn’t put time into anything other than poop. But I don’t think that Ian would take this seriously either.
So I guess that I have to go with James based on the weight advantage and Ian’s health problems and aversion to anything remotely masculine. James has the problem with his foot or feet but he could just stand and unload on Ian and I don’t think Ian would have any response to that.
WINNER: JAMES ROLFE
Nathan Barnatt (39 years old, 6’0″, 180[?] pounds) vs JonTron (30 years old, 5’10”, 240[?] pounds)
Nathan is in good shape and he works out a lot, as many homosexual men do. He’s also been doing some boxing training. I assume that he knows the fundamentals at least. So that makes him a huge favourite for this whole tournament. Knowing how to box is a huge advantage in boxing matches.
But we’re assuming that JonTron has six months to train for this. That should be enough time to learn how to throw a punch and get the basics down. And I think that he would take it seriously, especially knowing who he’s going up against.
He also has nine years on Nathan but no. JonTron is grossly out of shape. Just look at his most recent video. He’s huge. He’d probably wear a tank top in the match to avoid the embarrassment of going shirtless. Plus, he’s from California, which doesn’t do him any favours. And with Nathan’s boxing experience, albeit somewhat limited, this would be a gross mismatch.
I don’t think that these Toughman contests often end in knockouts because it’s just three, 2 minute rounds, but in this case, I would expect a first round knockout by Nathan.
WINNER: NATHAN BARNATT
Kieran (30[?] years old. 5’10″[?], 220[?] pounds) vs Joe from Gamesack (43[?] years old, 6’0″, 170[?] pounds)
This is a good matchup. With Kieran’s propensity towards making threats of violence, coupled with his alcoholism, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s been in a physical fight within the past year or two. On the other hand, I’d wager that Joe hasn’t been in a fight since he was a child. You know…like normal people.
Obviously, this is a big advantage for Kieran. Even if he’s not good at fighting, he’s at least familiar with taking a punch so it won’t phase him, like it probably would with Joe.
Plus, he has a good youth advantage. He has a good weight advantage. And he lost a lot of weight recently so he’s getting into shape.
I don’t see any particular advantage that Joe has but I don’t think that this would be a complete rout. I think that it would be competitive and I think that Joe would take his training seriously.
Maybe it would go the distance? I don’t think that Kieran particularly has knockout power and he’d probably be pretty winded by the third round, so that’s the only hope that I think Joe would have. Just tire Kieran out for the first two rounds and hope that things go well in the final round. But I think that Kieran could go the distance, particularly with his new physique, and it’s also possible that he’d score a knockout so I’m giving it to Kieran.
WINNER: KIERAN
Justin Silverman (36 years old, 5’9″, 300+[?] pounds) vs Boogie2988 (46 years old, 5’9″, 500+[?] pounds)
I admit to sweeting the matchups a little just to make sure that this one happened. Either one of these guys would lose to just about anyone so it’s basically a “bye”. Plus, it’s interesting to speculate on the superheavyweights.
You look at Akebona’s matches in K-1. This is kickboxing if you’re unfamiliar, and Akebona was an accomplished sumo wrestler. He got to Yokozuna rank. But he got completely destroyed in all of his K-1 matches. And this is a trained athlete.
He also sucked in his MMA matches. In one of his few victories (I think he only won twice) it was by “smothering”. That’s all that he can do. It’s not like he can slap an armbar on. He’s too obese. He lacks the mobility. It’s just physically not possible. He has too much mass.
So Justin Silverman versus Boogie. Neither one of these guys are trained athletes. But Boogie is basically immobile. I don’t think that he’s even capable of throwing a punch or anything even resembling a punch. His torso is just too large to allow this. He also requires a cane to walk.
By comparison, Justin Silverman is in great shape. He has a similar physique to Butterbean. How much did Butterbean weigh? Wikipedia says 378 pounds. Yeah. And he was the greatest Toughman competitor of all time.
This would be a complete travesty. Justin would be dancing around the ring, picking his shots, and Boogie would be completely stationary and unable to even lift his arms to defend himself. This would be over in seconds.
WINNER: JUSTIN SILVERMAN
Mike Matei (40 years old, 6’0″, 200[?] pounds), vs Chris Bores aka Irate Gamer (43 years old, 5’11”, 170[?] pounds)
This was originally a match between Mike Matei and Doug Walker. I wrote it out and everything. But then I realised that I forgot about Chris BORES. And I don’t really know anything about Doug Walker. But for what it’s worth, I had Doug Walker just barely eking out a victory on points.
So Mike has a rare second chance here.
Mike is quick to anger so that could be an advantage but it could also be a disadvantage. It’s important to stay calm and focused. Take a methodical approach.
Both of these guys are fairly pudgy but Mike is clearly bigger and not in a good way. He has a fat stomach and bony girl arms. That’s not good for boxing.
I don’t think that Mike would take the training seriously. He would continue with the fast food and fizzy drink diet. On the other hand, I think that Chris Bores would be all in. This is his big chance to show up Cinemassacre.
So yeah, I think it’s really the diet which is the deciding factor. Not many world class boxers live on a diet of McDonalds and Coke. So again, I think that Chris Bores can win this one on points. I mean, Bores doesn’t have knockout power certainly but I think that he could go three rounds if he paces himself and Mike would be winded after round 2, maybe even round 1.
WINNER: CHRIS BORES
Pat the NES Punk (40 years old, 5’10”, 180[?] pounds, vs Scott the Woz (23 years old, 5’9″, 155 pounds)
Here’s an interesting matchup. I think that Pat goes to the gym regularly so he should be in pretty good shape. But Scott the Woz is a lot younger.
No. I just went to Google Image search and looked up Scott the Woz. That guy hasn’t been in a fight in his life and he wouldn’t know what to do. He’s too slim. Never lifted a weight in his life.
Plus, I wouldn’t be surprised if Pat did some kind of boxing training at the gym or something.
I mean, I know that he’s 40 but an in-shape 40 year old should be able to beat an anemic 23 year old. And I’m sure that Pat can last three rounds so even if it goes the distance, I’m confident that Pat would win on points. Surely Pat could score at least one knockdown too.
WINNER: PAT CONTRI
Tony from Hack the Movies (30 years old, 5’10″[?], 220[?]pounds) vs John Riggs (44 years old, 6’4″, 260[?] pounds)
This is a tough one. John Riggs has a considerable height advantage but he’s 14 years older. Similar builds.
They both enjoy professional wrestling. Not that this directly translates to real life boxing ability but it at least shows that they’re interested in combat sports.
Let me do a Google Image search to see just how corpulent John Riggs is. He seems okay, actually, but these are all professional pictures and they don’t really show his stomach.
I’m looking at a video where he’s showing off some arcade cabinet that some company sent him in exchange for a commercial. He has a pretty big stomach but his arms aren’t that bad. Big but not fat.
Let me check out Tony on Google Image. Have to filter out the gay porn that Reddit makes.
Yeah, again, no real body shots. Let me try his Youtube videos. Well, he’s always sitting behind a desk but I’d say that he has a smaller stomach than John Riggs but bigger arms.
I’m not sure if this got us anywhere. 6’4″ is pretty big. But he’s obese. And a lot older.
They would both gas out pretty quick. It’s just a matter of who would drop first.
I guess that Tony would win just because he’s in slightly better shape and he’s younger. I can’t imagine John Riggs knocking anybody out. Not with that big stomach in the way.
WINNER: TONY FROM HACK THE MOVIES
Ryan (37[?] years old, 5’10″[?], 200[?] pounds) vs Macaulay Culkin (40 years old, 5’6″, 125 pounds)
Not even a contest. Macaulay Culkin has no chance whatsoever. He’s a camp, gay man, short, slim, and has never been in a fight in his entire privileged life. I put Boogie over Macaulay Culkin.
The only question is the finish. I can’t see this going more than one round. Ryan isn’t exactly Max Schmeling but Macaulay Culkin? He’d get destroyed.
WINNER: RYAN
That’s enough for today. I’ll do the rest tomorrow. Unless Erin releases a video or Destiny Fomo starts taking her clothes off. That would obviously take priority.