https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=757EgPlhKdE
Hey guys! Remember One to Grow On? The series of public service announcements that ran from 1983 to 1989? 1989. That was a good year! It was the beginning of Heisei period in Japan. I’m so *nostalgic* for Emperor Akihito!
0:15 – Betty White teaches us how to escape from household emergencies like…getting locked in the bathroom when there’s an overflowing toilet?
This is the only one that I actually remember because it was just so weird. Is this a problem for people? I mean, it is kind of a scary situation. You can see the water coming out from the bathroom door. That must be a lot of toilet water. And yeah, overflowing toilets are a cause for panic. But…I’ve never been locked in a bathroom when it was happening.
Here’s an interesting cultural observation. I’ve never had ANY toilet problems since moving to the UK. No clogs, no overflows. Everything always works as planned.
In the US, fuck…LOADS of toilet issues. Why is this? Why do American toilets malfunction so often? If Erin ever took up that plumbing course, like I’ve suggested in the past, this would have been a good question for her.
1:15 – Michael J Fox teaches us not to play with matches. There are numerous fire puns in this one.
“Every year, thousands of people are hurt or left homeless by the careless use of fire.”
Really? I’d like to see some statistics on that.
Then he goes on about how fire is a tool and whatnot. Like we’re fucking cavemen and need to be told this.
2:15 – Kim Fields teaches us about…how to deal with bullies who are sabotaging playground equipment? These situations are all completely insane. Has this ever happened to anyone?
3:30 – David Hasselhoff teaches us about…getting snubbed by your friend. Maybe the friend is just busy and that’s why they snubbed you. That’s the lesson.
Not only is this another bizarre situation but this is ridiculously petty.
4:30 – Nancy McKeon teaches us that nerds can play basketball too.
This one is just too far-fetched.
First of all, two of the kids are black, one kid is white, and the nerd is white. Most of these PSAs are racially mixed. Like in the previous one, it was a white girl and her friend was Asian and her new friend was black. It’s just not really realistic but that’s television.
So this nerd is carrying a load of books. The one kid tells him to go catch butterflies instead. That was probably a popular nerd activity of the day. Then you’d pin them in a little box. It’s fucking gross.
After Jo from The Facts of Life chastises these kids, they let this nerd take a practice shot. And he nails a carefully edited shot. So then the kids are all impressed and want to be on his team.
It’s pretty ridiculous. Where did he learn to become such a pro basketball player? And from the footage I see, even this edited version, he sucks ass. Look at that awful dribbling and that terrible shooting form. Come on. Those black kids are going to run circles around him.
And that one kid is playing with like a newsies hat on?
5:30 – Ricky Schroeder teaches us not to make up completely insane lies. I mean, it’s fine to lie but when you start bringing prehistoric animals into the story, you’ve gone too far. The lesson here seems to only make plausible lies.
And what is this kid from? Not Ricky Schroeder but the kid in the little skit. He’s from something but I can’t place it.
Oh. Mr Belvedere? One of Wesley’s friends?
6:30 – Byron Allen…who is this? He was a co-host on something called Real People. It’s before my time, I guess.
So he teaches us that it’s not cool to steal car radio antennas.
It’s true. This was something that people did back in the day. And as Mr Allen astutely tells us, it’s pointless.
And yeah, this guy is super gay.
What? He’s married with three children? I don’t buy that for one second.
7:30 – Joel Higgins teaches us…something. But first, a Fruity Pebbles commercial. It now has grape flavour. Oh yeah. I remember this campaign. Because Fruity Pebbles doesn’t actually taste of fruit. It just tastes of a sugary mush.
Do they still make this shit? I know there was that John Cena wrestling promo. Holy shit. They do still make it. I thought with people being more health-conscious now, it would have gone the way of Mr Salty.
So anyway, Joel Higgins teaches us to help old men with their groceries rather than making fun of them for being old. But I don’t know about this one. That black kid is still pretty menacing. He rifles through this old man’s groceries and asks what he has in there. That’s threatening behaviour.
9:00 – Dwight Schultz teaches us that if your best friend is a nerd and your mother has some kind of bizarre bias against nerds, you should just talk to your mother and try to reason with her.
The nerd is played by Urkel from Family Matters. They even almost use his real name. Jerry White.
But…this one is more for the parents. This kid didn’t do anything. His friend is a nerd. Big deal. I mean…I don’t even understand what the mother’s problem is.
And the solution is for the kid to sit down and have a discussion with the mother about…being more accepting towards nerds? That’s insane.
10:15 – Tom Gray? Did I hear that right? I don’t know who this is. Tom Bray maybe. He was on Riptide? I never heard of that show. These are mostly actors who were in children’s shows. Well, let’s hear him out anyway.
Whoa. Baby got back. How did this get past the censors?
Anyway, the lesson here is to be a good babysitter. And wear skin-tight trousers.
11:15 – Perry King? Who are these people? Oh, he was in Riptide too. So yeah, this must have been it. The show was on from 1984 to 1986. NBC obviously wanted to make this thing a hit. It was a detective show.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wvHSbwkWRo
From the intro, it appears to be a show borrowing heavily from Magnum PI with all the sexy ladies in bikinis and whatnot. But it also has sex robots. So…there’s nothing about this that doesn’t appeal. I’ll have to track down all the episodes and binge watch them some time.
Anyway, this is another weird one. The mother wants her daughter to go to the aunt’s accordion recital. How old is this aunt? Actually, now that I think of it, I suppose that adults did participate in recitals. Seems weird, though.
So the lesson here is that if you don’t want to do something, you should try to sit down and reason with your parents. Yeah. Good luck with that.
12:15 – Ooh Mr T.
This is another weird one. Actually, I think they’ve all been weird so far. It’s a kid playing baseball and the kid umpire calls him out. The first kid disagrees with the call. So the two of them get into an argument.
So the kid decides to take all of the stuff and go home. And apparently, this kid not only provided the bat and the ball, he also provided all of the bases.
Was this a thing? I never played baseball. But didn’t public baseball fields already have bases like permanently installed? Or if not, wouldn’t people just approximate where the bases are? Use rocks or carve them into the dirt or something? Surely, nobody was hauling bases to these pick up games. This kid can’t even carry them all. How did he get them there in the first place?
So after Mr T calls this kid a chump, he derides him for not finishing the game.
It’s just a weird lesson. First of all, the umpire was a giant asshole. He was escalating the situation, saying that kid doesn’t have a brain, and shit like this. So…the lesson here should have been about good sportsmanship and not needlessly insulting people.
Or what about respecting the call of the umpire? That’s what I initially thought this was going to be about. But even at the end of this skit, the kid still disagrees with the umpire’s call. But again, that umpire was way out of line with his behaviour and this all could have been prevented if he engaged with this kid in a civilised fashion.
13:30 – Soleil Moon Frye teaches us what a horrible actress she is. Just listen to this shit. I can’t even understand what she’s saying. And she’s obviously reading this shit. Badly. She couldn’t even be bothered to memorise her lines.
And she’s making this face like she’s having a stroke. And weird movements. How the fuck did she get such a plum role as Punky Brewster?
Also, you shouldn’t be afraid to go to the doctor.
14:30 – Justine Bateman teaches us that if you get stuck with a nerdy kid for your school project, you shouldn’t be a giant bitch about it. But if you really don’t want to work with that loser, you should talk to your teacher. What a lesson.
15:30 – Lisa Welchel? That’s some bow tie. Was this the fashion or is she coming out of the closet with this video?
Look at that awkward exchange of low fives.
And then…one boy takes a bunch of pictures of another boy. Umm…and the lesson here is not to do that. Good advice.
16:45 – Michael Gross teaches us that loads of people have divorced parents and it’s okay.
Is this Punky Brewster in this skit? The acting and diction are atrocious so I think it is her.
And I can’t tell what’s even going on here. Are these two girls step-sisters or friends? And…they have parallel bars in their bedroom? Or are they in some gymnastics class or something?
17:45 – Perry King is back but first, a Honey Combs commercial. You can get miniature licence plates in each box of Honey Combs. I vaguely remember this. There’s a licence for each state. But…why would you want any state other than the state you currently reside in?
I mean, if you’re in Texas, why would you want a Vermont bicycle licence? Or vice versa? I don’t mean just out of state pride but if we’re modelling this on car licences, you need to get a licence from the state that you’re resident in.
You also have a 1 in 620,000 chance of winning a trip to Disneyland or some shit. Terrible odds for a pretty shit prize.
Oh so the lesson. This is also bicycle-related. Don’t make fun of your friend for having a poor family who can’t get her a nice bike with tassels. And Jesus Christ are these some homely kids. They must be related to the producer or something.
19:15 – Kim Fields is back to teach us not to take up smoking.
20:30 – Valerie Harper teaches us not to look at things that people say are private. That’s fine. I’m down with that.
But then she goes on to say that if you don’t want people to look at your private things, you shouldn’t leave them in places where people can find them. Way to blame the victim.
This girl clearly said that this piece of paper was private. And then she TURNED IT FACE DOWN and left to go speak to the librarian or whoever it was who called her. So the second girl then looked at this paper.
The blame is ENTIRELY on the girl who looked at the paper. But that’s not what Valerie Harper would have you believe. Shameful.
21:30 – Joel Higgins again. This is maybe the most uncomfortable one yet. A girl is abusing a dog. She gets on top of him and starts choking him and slapping him and shit. And this is a real dog. They can’t fake this. The slap might be fake but not the rest of it.
And then, with some still pretty aggressive “kindness”, the dog learns to talk for some reason.
– “Way to read those cue cards like a boss, Punky.”
It’s true. It was just unbelievably bad. I know that she was like seven years old or whatever but how did that possibly get on air? If she can’t memorise the lines and deliver them in a reasonable fashion, find somebody else.
“Her father was actor Virgil Frye and her mother is talent agent and caterer Sondra Peluce (née Londy). She is Jewish.”
Oh. Now I see how she got that Punky Brewster job. But the nepotism couldn’t last forever. Her career was over by the time she was 10. No talent and horse face certainly didn’t help.